Sorry to hear about your difficulty with your mom. It must be extra frustrating because you're already stressing about the exam.
If you and your mom get along and she wants to help, try talking to her about what would be helpful for you. It sounds like she's telling you what to do- focus on your work- which you already want to do but it's difficult. First, you want her to understand the difficulty you are going through, then what would be more helpful is being reminded how to focus. Like helping you remember to exercise, eat well, set up a good environment for work.
This book is helpful for having those kinds of conversations. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Nonviolent Communication! A straightforward formula: 1) “when you (specific action, non-evaluative), 2) I feel (emotion, not thought or sensation, 3) “because I need/value”, 4) “Would you be to willing to (concrete, specific action)?” 5) Check in to make sure they accurately heard what you’re trying to say. Example:
“When you point out how this issue has already been discussed, I feel angry and hurt because I really value doing well at my job and need to make sure I understand this topic. Would you be willing to help me come up with other solutions so I can understand this topic while making sure we use our meeting time efficiently?” I’m really over-simplifying this strategy and I’d recommend reading the book or listening to the audiobook (I chose the latter) to fully understand and apply it’s concepts. It’s definitely helped avoid misunderstandings and helped get my needs met.
100% agree with this.
OP, this relationship will only survive if you’re able to find a way to communicate productively with each other, and without her shutting down. You could try going through Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication together (note: the “together” part is critical), to see if that makes any difference. Regardless of who is the better communicator in the relationship right now, it could help your communication become a bit more equal and balanced, if you’re both willing.
If she’s unwilling, you’re best off finding a new partner - I hate to say it, but I don’t think this relationship will survive as-is.
The two of you clearly have different ideals about what your roles should be in a marriage. You're looking for more of an equal partnership, with team decisions, and your husband sounds like he wants specific gender-based roles.
This is a tough gap to close. I recommend (strongly) seeing a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (MFT). This neutral third party may be able to mediate your marriage-related conversations, which can understandably get emotionally charged, and he/she can help you to navigate the process of negotiating a possible solution.
If you wanted a book to dig into, try "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg. It can really help to take the heat out of conversations like these, even if only one of you is practicing it (though ideally, both of you would be).
I wish you both the best as you tackle this!
Edit: Typo.
if that hurts her that means you are lacking in skill of communication. Read this book and use it https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=nonviolent+communication&qid=1598188556&sr=8-3
And walk the path with a mighty help from your mom.
Not a "trick", but consider reading Nonviolent Communication. It offers a method of conflict resolution that is really challenging to adopt but works remarkably well.
I'm curious to why you would say that. I agree that many of my points certainly do overlap with Jordan Peterson and his philosophies, but the main motivation for this post was actually Marshall Rosenberg and his book Nonviolent Communication. After putting into practice and seeing how effective this type of communication is, I saw just how futile all of my attempts at changing other people have been and I realized that I am never going to change the world for the better if I attack others and complain about what they are doing wrong. I certainly could do that but it just doesn't seem to give any results.
Favourite book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
A great book to reflect on your own take at feeling, connections with family, friends, and love partners. An incredible experience in changing your relationships with the world and yourself.
Thanks for the chance, I really hope you get at least a glimps of this book. You can also check Marshall Rosenberg on youtube. His talks are great too if you want something shorter.
Might be a good place to recommend the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It essentially takes this idea and expands it into a simple yet powerful framework to communicate and resolve conflict with others. I highly recommend it.
There's a heuristic/aphorism that once you break up it'll take X months to get over it, if you were in the relationship for X years. So by that guideline, moving on after 2 months post a 2 year relationship seems about right.
That isn't a "should"--like I'm not saying you "should" be over it by 2 months given the time you were together. That's personal, and up to you.
I'm just saying that it's an average that you can use to double check whether something is approximately normal for a random person to do.
Separately, I have a book recommendation for you that I think will have this situation make a lot more sense for you if you read it: Nonviolent Communication.
Good luck!
Hey! Am I hearing that you're not emotionally satisfied with your relationship, and maybe feeling stuck, with no good way forward? Consider looking through Rosenberg's NVC book. He discusses, a lot, how to frame requests in non-judgemental ways. If you're not familiar, you might find it helpful - your situation sounds similar to some of those Rosenberg discusses. If you don't find it helpful, no worries. Cheers!
Thank you, but I don't think I am. I'm a man who loves my wife. I'm no angel. I fuck up this list all the time. But my wife fucks up the list for "Good Wives" too.
That's part of the secret. We know we both will screw things up all the time. But its a matter of NOT reacting to those moments in an aggressive way. Just to reset, try again, and be good partners. Life isn't easy. It's an ongoing challenge every day. But we want to work together to improve things.
I highly suggest this book, as it can help you in reframing your statements. The other half of this is not trying to imply what you want, but to give them the CHANCE to do what you want. IE: You want to be touched, lay your head on his lap.
https://smile.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
Delivery is everything. This book has been helping me. It's possible to express your feelings and needs without coming across as critical or overfunctioning.
I love it ... so much from the Non-violent Communication style here!
I am poly myself, but even in poly community, many people don't practice healthy communications. You sound like an amazing person to be around - whoever you are Uncensored :)
The part about riding the feelings through is right on the mark with what we call "new relationship energy" - it's basically infatuation at the early stage, with a dose of hormones and the brain connecting dots that might or might not exist along with dreaming up what the future might bring with the new person.
We always recommend not fighting it, but directing it in a healthy manner - like acknowledging it, setting time aside for your lover, no big changes in your life till it settles down. No attacks & no demands - because even though I'm not totally on board with "emotions are reality", the emotions are real to the person feeling them - to take that from someone is to remove their agency.
Even if not nurtured, the new relationship energy can last the full two years that relationship counselors say is the standard honeymoon era for couples.
It's unconventional, but the advice in this post overall seems to match what I'm about to suggest...
I suggest that you read this book and incorporate its teachings into your everyday life, but especially into dating. This will help people around you to open up.
Incidentally, that book is also helpful for anyone struggling with mental health issues, as it provides a structure and a process by which to address your thoughts and feelings.
When you say "devastating" is that hyperbole? If not, that's a little worrying. I understand wanting your kid to avoid the sorts of struggle and hardship many people encounter related to weight, but being somewhat overweight at some point in life is very common among people in first-world nations, and there are more important things with regard to health and well-being.
It's worth seeing a doctor. Knowing or believing something doesn't make it so. Your son is overweight or not whether you know it or not. A sudden change in ability to satiate could be related to medical problems, so it's worth a check-up, even though most likely nothing unusual is going on.
Obviously, it's not unusual for adolescents to be very hungry and somewhat impulsive. You clearly want to teach your son good habits grounded in good long-term goals, but that takes time. (Counseling patience is easier than actually being patient, obviously, I recognize how difficult it is.)
It's also worth trying to deescalate any power struggles you have with your son over food. From what you say elsewhere, it seems that winning isn't worth it (while you probably have the power to substantially deprive your son of opportunities to overeat, you probably can't do that without putting a lot of stress on everyone). Not that deescalating conflict is an easy problem. Probably the best advice I've seen for that is in the book Nonviolent Communication.
I personally find that present moment awareness, or mindfulness of others is crucial in these situations. It takes a little practice, but once you get the hang of it, you can condition that same equanimity in all sorts of situations.
The way I think of it is, this "other" person or set of circumstances has its own karma imbued into it. There is a whole other bundle energies that can emerge from it, all of which are ripe for observation. That way, the emotional content can be observed "en route" as someone or the situation is in the process of handing it off to you. There is even a formalized skill called Nonviolent Communication that can be used to give people the tools to handle difficult and emotional communication situations.
In terms of objects, mala bead bracelets are good. However, the caution is that the object itself can become more of an object of attachment, instead of a symbol or reminder.
Sounds like you need NVC.
Click here.
I highly recommend this book. It will help in all human relationships, not just in your love life. Seriously, give it a shot.
Probably extending beyond anything that's my business, but this short book REALLY helped me start asking for things from my SO in ways that did not trigger defensiveness, resentments, etc.
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Ignore the misleading/unhelpful title. This is a book about listening, understanding, really interacting with fellow humans. This is one of those "yeah... that's it" books, the kind of stuff you realize you always knew but didn't really appreciate or use.
I am a better person thanks to this book. My friendships and relationships are richer.
This book might be helpful. I find that working on mastering assertive communication makes me feel much better. Just making this effort really helped me remember that when someone is being a complete ass, it says more about them than it does about me. It also gives you something constructive to do in an intolerable situation.
The anger you are experiencing at odd times may be a displaced response to stress, but you may have some medical issues relating to hormones. I'm assuming that you are not taking roids. There are other medications that can result in this sort of thing. Oddly enough, some are prescribed for depression that can result from anger inducing stress. People experiencing this are well advised to switch medications. Other medical conditions can contribute to this experience. A pre-diabetic condition of low blood sugar can cause this. Insulin insensitivity can cause a bounce-crash effect which the body tries to stabilize by using adrenalin to stimulate the recovery of glucose from stored glycogen by the liver. If you are not physically active when this adrenalin rush hits, it can cause overpowering emotions, including anger. In any case, you would not be an alarmist for talking to a doctor about this situation.
So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.
​
Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.
​
That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:
​
(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)
​
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
A book with an overall good perspective. A little sappy and cloying at times, but in general the intentions are in the right place with this one. Could come off as a little bit squishily academic, but an ok read and a good perspective.
If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?
Author: Alan Alda (From M*A*S*H, The West Wing, and much more)
I'm actually reading this book right now and it is a funny take on Alda's life and work and he relates his stories through (and about communication). Alda is actually pretty smart about communication and comes at it differently than most anyone else on this list. Funny and witty, what you might expect from such a great actor and comedian. Definitely worth reading.
Simply Said: Communicating Better At Work and Beyond
Author: Jay Sullivan
More about work than other contexts but good advice overall. I only skimmed parts of this one so can't speak to every aspect, but appeared to be decent enough quality when I reviewed it.
The Art of Communicating
Author: Thich Nhat Hanh
Different from the others on the list, this one is written by a Buddhist monk who takes a more spiritual view of communication. It is a good philosophical approach. I found parts of this book enlightening. It is not scientific-ish enough for me and it makes no claims to be. It is a philosophy book on communication, but an easy, accessible read and worth your time.
Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
Author: Kerry Patterson
A good enough book if you're looking to navigate conflicts/difficult conversational things at work or in relationships. Deals more with the challenging aspects of communication, but for what it is, good enough advice.
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
Author: Liel Lowndes
Similar to the book above, but more about making conversation with people. As far as these types of books go, this one is ok enough and actually has some good advice on things to try when attempting to communicate with others.
Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
> then he freaked out and yelled at me and cried and was all like “is this what you wanted?”
It sounds like he's afraid. Afraid of what exactly, I can't say; I don't know him, of course. Maybe afraid of losing his partner, or afraid of being alone again, or afraid of not being able to handle work and raising his kid. I say all this not to guilt or shame you, but to bring up some possibilities to hopefully understand him better.
> Any time we argue he puts the blame on me like “why do you have to do this?” Or “why do you have to turn this into something?”
I suspect this is from some unhealthy ingrained past ways of communicating. A.k.a.: it's probably not 100% his fault that he phrases it that way. But you need to let him know that this is hurting you, for there to be any chance of him changing.
> But yes I would love the name of that book bc idk if I suck at communicating or if he’s just being manipulative. (He’s so good at making it seem like he’s not being manipulative tho, like it’s for the sake of his kid so I should be more accommodating)
The book is called Nonviolent Communication. IMO it's a bad title--what the author defines as "violent" communication is any communication that intends to cause negative feelings: blaming, shaming, etc. And using NVC helps you lay out your feelings and your needs so you can get them met. You can buy the book on Amazon for $16, or you can get the audiobook, or sail the high seas to get it free.
Now, I'll admit that from the second comment, your situation sounds even worse than I thought. What I'm thinking is that everyone can stand to communicate better (very few people talk with perfect NVC all the time)... but he is still more at fault than you are. Of course, I only have your side of the story, but you're suffering a lot here. Fortunately, NVC can also allow you to ask questions and empathize in a way that encourages him to share his feelings and why he acts the way he does, even if he doesn't read the book. I really think this can help.
Good luck, and also feel free to talk to me about it more :)
This is exactly what I was about to link!
I have a two young stepkids that don’t have access to their BM. I’ve tried to be there for them, and I guess I’ve done a good job... They keep picking up my mannerisms and speech and I have had a wonderful experience growing close to them. They openly adore me, and I adore them back and then some 💚
However, I can’t stop myself from thinking about the kid I always wanted. It gets complicated... The more I love my stepkids and SO, the more time I give my SO to decide if he can make room in our family and in his heart for one more child... the more I feel that child slipping away from me, and it hurts so bad. I’m definitely not ready to let go, and I know I never will be.
I don’t have much else I can give you, but here is a podcast on childless stepmoms that considers our situation from multiple view points. Be advised that is does have a religious slant to it. Maybe you’ll have better luck than me and can even get your SO to listen with you. Childless Stepmom Podcast
If you like reading, I also found learning nonviolent communication through Marshall Rosenberg’s book a huge asset. I got into it to hoping to shed some hatred that was eating me up, but ended up learning that I have an even larger problem of lacking compassion for myself.
We’re all still learning, so be kind to yourself and Godspeed.
Here is something I typed up previously. The book I am writing will talk about most of this stuff. I'll be posting some articles I'm writing about communication here soon. For now, my old post. I endorse these books:
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So this is a bit of an area of expertise for me. I'm actually a writing a book about communication and it is kind of a skills book, but not as you might traditionally think of one. I can tell you more if you like, but don't want to bore you.
Here's the thing with skills books when it comes to communication...most are ok, some are even good, but most are essentially the same...they put together some combination of "do these things" and "do not do these other things" and market you a book that ultimately isn't going to help you a whole lot...at least not to communicate better in the aggregate. (How to Win Friends and Influence People is an example of this.) I call these any "Do these 10 things to communicate better" books. There is no magic list of skills that if you just learn these things, you'll communicate better. Communication doesn't work like that.
That said, there are a few decent enough communication "skills" books out there that are worth your time. It really depends on the type of communication skills you're looking for...for example, there are books out there entirely dedicated to how to give a good presentation (say, at work). There are books on conflict resolution. There are books on persuasion. All of these, which I don't think is what you're looking for only give you part of a very big puzzle. As far as more general communication books there are a couple you might consider:
(A note that most of these are not likely to be at your local library, but if you as your local friendly librarian how to they could get you one of these books, they can probably easily help you. Ask! Librarians are awesome! Also, most of these should be available on Amazon for not much money.)
Books like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, which comes up when you look for communication books should be avoided entirely. That book, and other books like it, are trash. You might as well get your advice from Cosmo.
Sorry for the length here, but like I said, this is an area of expertise. I hope you found this helpful. I can answer questions about any of these books if you like.
That's not quite what I mean--I'm sure that you've been compassionate. Lemme try to explain. The book I'm referring to is called Nonviolent Communication. I don't like how the title implies physical or threatening violence, like yelling and insults and such, which is why I phrase it as compassionate communication. But what the author means by "violent" is any language that would place judgment on other people or otherwise try to force them to feel negative emotions. Here's a quick example:
> You don't text me often enough. I deserve to be treated better than this.
Instead, nonviolent communication may look like:
> You haven't texted me a single time in the last 3 months. I care about you a lot and I feel sad that we've lost the connection we used to have.
From an example or two it seems easy, but the exercises in the book show that it's actually pretty damn hard to recognize violent communication and use NVC instead. Even something like "I'm scared that you don't trust me" is still attributing that judgment to the other person--maybe they completely trust you and other factors caused the behavior. Hence, reading the book.
The book itself is 200 pages, but it's a tiny book--each page is about 2.5 paragraphs--and moreover the main process is covered by the first 60 or so pages already. It's $11 on Amazon as I linked above, and it's also on the high seas--you can be reading the ebook in 5 minutes. It's helped me a lot, anyway. Well, it still won't help if she doesn't actually read your messages or if she's somehow committed to never replying again ever, but I still think it's worth a shot. If nothing else, it'll help you in your other relationships as well.
The CEO of Microsoft makes all his managers read this book.
There's ebbs and flows of the worst times. When my kids were 1.5 and 3 it was by far the worst for me because, both were screaming constantly for one thing or the other. I found myself underslept and angry all the time. But as the oldest got more independent and less a three year old and the youngest worked herself out of that crappy want everything but can't communicate phase it got better. There really wasn't a way to fix the situation, it's just part of the worst cycle. It's okay just to endure things and just get through it with no thoughts to doing better at parenting. Don't put pressure on yourself for anything but survival of you and your kids. Worry about doing better than that as a parent once it eases up.
The thing you tell yourself is that it's changing. Rapidly. There won't be a "normal" for you for almost 3 years. Some of those phases are definitely better than others, and both your kids will take there turns being the worst. It's the winter months coming up and you're facing isolation and PPD. You need to grab someone to help now, because it's not going to get easier. And six months was where my babies always sleep regressed and cried through the night so it could theoretically get worse on the sleep end. As hard as it sounds, now is the time of action.
For me, being a professional, my friends moved on with their lives fast when I took a break. But if I found that if I focused on one or two friendships and do what I can to accommodate them while giving myself a break from the kids, it really helps. Even if it irritates your spouse somewhat (though poisoning that well will never make you happy either), you need to figure something out. Likely you need to both go out together first, but you need to develop friends as well.
Need to find a mix of setting appropriate expectations and finding common ground with your partner. They're likely not having the easiest time either, even if the grass seems greener. Adding stress of fighting with your partner only worsens it. If you're having a hard time expressing yourself to your partner without causing a fight, I find Non-violent Communication to be an excellent method of talking to your them without causing unnecessary problems. I can't claim to be perfect at it, but it's definitely reduced the number and severity of fights for me.
I've been working on getting back to work full time, and feeling like I'm doing a shitty job of both work and caring for my kids. I'm angry and sad pretty constantly, and my partner with a steady long term job just doesn't really understand except academically. There's no great answer to anything, mostly just surviving until it gets easier.
I am glad to help.
Final note, because I started life as an English teacher and if I don't finish off with a book recommendation the Gods will strike me down: If you're a reader, Brene Brown as a few books on vulnerability. If you're not a reader, she's got some Ted Talks. I have found her stuff to be really helpful, as well as Marshall Rosenberg's way of Non-Violent Communication. The latter is technically aimed at how we engage with others, but there's an important message about how we use language to communicate with ourselves regarding our own needs. I tend to have two copies of it on my bookshelf so that I've always got one to lend out. You strike me as an analytic, so if you've got a reading list, these authors are great additions.
I hate the term "thicker skin." Why should sensitive people have to bend their shape in order to fit in better to a world filled with unkind people? Certainly, it is important to listen to what the people are around us saying because those with experience are critical for growth and are necessary for providing valuable, but if a message to improve yourself is delivered in an envelope that is covered in thorns, how are you going to open it without getting hurt? If the impact is destructive, the intent doesn't matter because you won't be receptive to the information anyway. I read a great article on impact vs intent a few months ago that may be relevant.
Retail can be tricky. People are mean, there's a lot of pressure, and it sounds like you're in a place that emphasizes the "customer is always right" mentality. To top it off, if your boss is yelling at you over singular mistakes, it's possible that you're in a bit of a toxic situation. It is inappropriate for a manager/supervisor to yell at a staff member. If an outside observer were to have walked in on the example you gave where your boss was yelling, would the observer agree that your boss raised their voice? Was the action inappropriate/unprofessional? And do things like this happen often? If so, these behaviours are not something you should be asked to tolerate because they are unacceptable and completely inappropriate. If not, you may want to look at your overall stress and burnout levels. Things are so much harder to cope with if you're already starting your day at the max level of your resources. I love using spoon theory as a visual example: If spoons represent your emotional state and you start off the day with one spoon but everyone else is starting off with ten, it's no wonder you're feeling so emotionally taxed.
Setting boundaries might be a good place to start with your coworkers, and also for yourself (ie spending less time on facebook, or unsubscribe to groups or friends that stress you out). Think about what types of messages are difficult to hear, and why? What are the triggers? From there, it's either a matter of learning to self-regulate when you hear these messages (ie some mindfulness practices or self-reflection about why this person might be saying these things) , or putting boundaries around the people who are delivering them. You can unsubscribe to a Facebook group for example, but work is a bit different. Everyone needs constructive feedback, it's not something you can avoid and sometimes you won't like what's being said or the way it's being delivered. How might your boss be able to deliver that in a way that would allow you to be receptive to and improve? There is no harm in making a request. Whether or not your boss is willing/able to honour that request is up to them.
In consideration of toxicity levels: A message delivered in anger is not one that is meant to help an employee improve. If this person is pissed off, this isn't feedback, it's venting and it isn't appropriate. This is the type of message you need to put boundaries on. It might even be helpful to ask your boss some questions in the moment or afterwards. "What did you mean when you said xyz?" "I notice you're feeling very strongly about..."[when boss raises voice. If you call out the yelling the boss will lose face and you don't want that] or something like, "I'd like to get some feedback on this so I can improve, but right now you're raised voice is making it seem like you're upset. Is this a good time for you?" Practice some scripts if your boss has patterns so you can rattle them off without thinking, because as soon as you think you'll over-think and then immediately forget. It's a fight-or-flight thing.
In terms of communication strategies, I have always been a fan of Marshall Rosenberg's NVC. It is, hands down, the best communication framework I have found and the strategies are effective both for internal and external communication. I've worked in...challenging situations with some challenging folks, and I always find myself coming back around to this one.
>creating an understanding or teaching men it's alright to be men.
Welcome to /r/NVC.
Another way to explain NVC is as the science of empathy according to Marshall Rosenberg; human emotional needs, understanding them, listening for them, and communicating understanding.
My only recommendation is to read the book given that it is by default a space for practicing the book's teaching. It might appear odd otherwise to the uninitiated, but it is by no means a requirement.
In person practice groups are also abundant.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1892005034/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_tCuqBbTV6F3S9
Edit: as far as "changing men" seems analogous to "fixing" which according to many traditions, but at very least Jiddu Krishnamurti in The First and Last Freedom would require certain "expectations" that put one out of touch with reality from which experience can not be changed. He is a little harder to read then Rosenberg, but I got a lot from him with respect to approaching the appearance of conflict.
I really like this book: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034
I see a bunch of links about Non-violent communication on the page you shared. Marshall Rosenberg's book (link) is a must read for any one who is serious about Buddhism.
"Do you have ears of a Giraffe?": Marshall asks in a video (link) . Don't waste time trolling on /r/zen. Instead spend some 3 hrs listening to that video. Must watch. Don't miss it. The book is much better though. IMO, Marshall Rosenberg nails empathy much better than many authors I have read over the years.
I would recommend looking into Nonviolent Communication - Marshall B. Rosenberg, which has a number of examples of deescalating angry conversations.
You're not being ridiculous. It sounds like he's... responding to you in a damaged way / caught in a negative automatic feedback loop / triggered by something in his past. It's not a healthy pattern for either of you.
Example of what may be going through his head, using your post below:
You: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?" Him: "no" You: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed."
He may have been assuming you were going to get mad at him after he said "No", because (in his past) people have gotten mad at him when he didn't do something. When you said that you'd do it after you got changed, he may also have thought "Oh, now she's not only calling me lazy / forgetful / whatever people called him in the past, she's also saying I'm incompetent / incapable / stupid / unable to do this task" (working off his "old" mental script), and exploded.
By the time he stopped reacting emotionally and could think rationally again (cools down enough to apologize), he's probably feeling guilty (apologetic), and apologizes. But when you're not immediately okay, he probably takes it personally as a sign that you're still mad at him. ("I apologized, why is she still upset? Why isn't anything I do enough for her?") and blows up again.
I have a similar response as you do (I need time to cool down). These are some of the strategies that I've used to break this type of cycle:
Instead of saying: "hey, did you do XYZ chore?" Try: "Hey, when was the last time we XYZ chore'd?" or "Have we XYZ chore'd lately?" ("When was the last time we washed the dishes?" or "Have we washed the dishes lately?" - this asks for the same information - when was XYZ last executed - but using "we" instead of "you" reinforces that you two are a team, while making the question less accusatory / personal to him.)
Instead of saying: "oh, okay. I'll do it after I get changed." Try: "Oh, okay. I wanted to finish XYZ tonight / tomorrow / <some period of time>, because <reason>. I can't do it because <other reason>. Would you help me XYZ ?" This makes it clear when and why you wanted to have XYZ done, why you aren't doing it yourself, and lets him choose whether or not to help. (If he's a good guy, and it's his usual chore, he'll likely say yes.) )
Instead of leaving: First, try saying: "I think we're both upset right now; I need to take a walk / go to <location> to relax and clear my head. Can we take a quick break and talk about this in <some unit of time>?" This makes it clear what you are doing, and (more importantly) when you'll be back and ready to talk. Overestimate the amount you need; he'll probably be happy to see you if you come back early, but more upset if you come back late.
If he starts interrogating you when you leave: Try: "I can see you're upset; I'm upset too. I really need to go <location / activity> to calm down and clear my head. I will be back by <time>. Let's talk about <first reason for the fight> then. I'd also like to know why my <going to location / activity> is so upsetting to you - when I get back, can we talk about that too?" This acknowledges his distress / separation anxiety and makes it clear it is important to you, while emphasizing your own needs.
If he gets upset that you're not immediately bouncing back after an argument: Try: "Yes, we're good - I'm not mad at you anymore. However, my body's still flooded with adrenaline and it takes me a while to cool down. I should be back to normal in <x period of time>. I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but <some activity> together would help me feel better." This gives him some idea of how long you'll be in the upset-state, a path forward for him to make it up to you (that also would actually help you feel better), and reassurance that your relationship is okay using a make-up ritual. (ex: "I'm not ready to cuddle right now, but getting some ice cream / playing Mario Kart / watching some Game of Thrones / seeing XYZ chore done would make me feel better.") (He's probably used to relationships where the other person cuddles / kisses as part of their make-up ritual, and assumes that because you're not cuddly / kissy, it's not a real "make-up" and you're still mad. That's why communicating your discomfort, with a timeline, and giving him an alternative "make-up ritual" is important - so he can identify and get used to a new normalcy signal.)
It's basically communicating your needs / points of view, in a way that is not threatening / personally directed towards him. I found this book to be very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034/
Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
Great for creating emphatic connection. This method is absolutely brilliant and will immediately improve understanding for oneself and other people. The book & Youtube videos
Not sure you know what NVC is, apologies if you do and have literally done it
Its not about reasoning with a person, but opening up to them and being vulnerable
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/4partprocess.htm
Or the book
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034
It works very well with people who get defensive, because it is about your emotions rather than his badness
http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034 helps a lot with self expression and not being judgmental about yourself. When you speak
If you're a man, http://www.amazon.com/Guyland-Perilous-World-Where-Become/dp/0060831359 does too, and helps spot what is going on and what went on earlier to make you a bit that way
Lastly, http://www.amazon.com/Your-Point-Across-Seconds-Less/dp/0671727524 is a short book on quick communication
Here is a list of my current resources in my ongoing quest to become more of a critical thinker.
Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality - Link
Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
Start to Meditate - Link
Philosophy - The Practical variety - Creat better habits of thinking
Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. Very practical, will increase understanding of oneself and help in living a happy life.
Or if you prefer video Philosophy: Guide to Happiness , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. If you want it bite sized School for life:s youtube channel is also very good.
Read about rationality/critical thinking
Less Wrong is a community blog devoted to refining the art of human rationality. Video, Text, Audio.
Online E-book by Greg R. Haskins, A Practical guide to critical thinking Link
Learn about the common cognitive biases and logical fallacies
Create some rationality habits
Memorize the Rationality checklist. anki deck (anki is an app for memorizing facts)
Center for applied rationality have workshops (mostly in the USA).
Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
Probability, Statistics and Bays Theorem
Understanding of Probability can greatly help in Critical thinking. Khan Acedmy have a good course on probability & statistics Link
Bays theorem is very useful for critical thinking. It is used to compare the relative probability of two theories. Text1, Text2, Video
The Trivium, Grammar, Logic & Rhetoric - Link
Online Courses / Resources
A online course for Critical thinking - clearerThinking.org
Khan Academy & Wireless Philosophy - Course on logic & critical thinking Link
Austhink - Directory of online resources. Link
Check out harry potter and the methods of rationality - Link
Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
Start to Meditate - Link
Philosophy - "love of wisdom"
Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. Very practical, will increase understanding of oneself and help in living a happy life.
Or if you prefer video Philosophy: Guide to Happiness , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. If you want it bite sized School for life:s youtube channel is also very good.
Read about rationality/critical thinking
Learn about the common cognitive biases and logical fallacies
Create some rationality habits
Memorize the Rationality checklist. anki deck (anki is an app for memorizing facts)
Center for applied rationality have workshops (mostly in the USA).
Learn about the ways Marketing/propaganda is used to influence you
The Trivium, Grammar, Logic & Rhetoric - Link
Online Courses / Resources
A online course for Critical thinking - clearerThinking.org
Course on logic & critical thinking Link
Online E-book, A Practical guide to critical thinking Link
Austhink - Directory of online resources. Link
Probability, Statistics and Bays Theorem
> than done, but I have a suggestion that may help overall, if you have the ability of truly follow through with it. First off, I know that the forces at work in you are going to be pretty compulsive that you may not be able to contain them, and that no matter what you do, you may find that you jealous energy may blot out all else…BUT…First off, you really should step up the sweet nothings. I have read posts on many poly message boards from women who have primary partners who have forgotten to bring the special things that they used to when the relationship was new. Leave her some little notes to find; in her sock drawer, in the pocket of her coat. Just simple, supportive, loving notes. Let her know that you can see that you have been a bit neglectful, and that you care. Second—and this one may be completely unattainable:
I love that he's touching on the vicious & self feeding cycle of fighting. There's a point in there where all the good things stop, because both sides are at war with each other trying to stake their claim and be heard - eventually there's a point where neither side will step back to let the other speak first.
I definitely try to remove the sides. I hear others talk about removing the the I & Me...making it "we" instead. In situations like these blame only holds people back. My one note, is you are not a punching bag, you are simply trying to listen to the other person first ... you need to let them know, "I am trying something different and going to listen & hear to your concerns first - but we can not be done until you have listened and heard mine too."
The book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is very well thought out. Check his website first, if you like it get the book ... its money well spent.
None Violent Communication
Language shape our thinking, this method is absolutely brilliant and will immediately improve understanding for oneself and other people. The book & Youtube videos
Meditation
Start to Meditate. I have meditated on and off for 2-3 years. mostly using a biofeedback device from Heart math called Emwave2. I have become noticeably less judgmental and more compassionate. i can strongly recommend it. here are 2 short guides to get you started. text & Audio
There are a myriad of benefits from meditating (76 Benefits of meditation)
> "increased personal qualities of open-minded curiosity, kindliness, empathy, compassion, acceptance, trust, patience, and non-striving, and the skills of focusing, and paying and switching attention"
None violent communiction
Philosophy
Learning about the difference between events and your thoughts about them
The stoicism (a philosophy) have some great tools for dealing with anger. they view anger as a result of unrealistic expectation. for example when your driving your car you expect other people to be able to drive well, which is a recipe for rage. If you instead assume everyone driving are completely incompetent you will not get angry and probly decrease the risk of being in an accident. Book, Documentary , Youtube channel
Other - "possibly dangerous"
> single high dose of the hallucinogen psilocybin, the active ingredient in so-called “magic mushrooms,” was enough to bring about a measureable personality change lasting at least a year in nearly 60 percent of the 51 participants in a new study, according to the Johns Hopkins researchers who conducted it.
>"Lasting change was found in the part of the personality known as openness, which includes traits related to imagination, aesthetics, feelings, abstract ideas and general broad-mindedness. Changes in these traits, measured on a widely used and scientifically validated personality inventory, were larger in magnitude than changes typically observed in healthy adults over decades of life experiences, the scientists say. Researchers in the field say that after the age of 30, personality doesn’t usually change significantly."
Start to Meditate
Read/Learn Non Violent Communication
Check out some stuff on Philosophy
Philosophy for Life and Other Dangerous Situations: Ancient Philosophy for Modern Problems , Is a great introduction to Philosophy.
or if you prefer video Philosophy: Guide to Happiness , Is a great introduction to Philosophy. If you want it bite sized School for life:s youtube channel is greate.
Read this book, and try that way of communicating with him http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034/
Sounds rough. If you can't make the counselor thing happen, I at least suggest you read this book (or one like it) and offer it to him as well: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034
Well, that really depends on the gf. Some gfs might actually want you to do that. Some really really wouldn't want you to and are saying it out of frustration. It's more important to find out why she said that. Figure out her base emotions (if she doesn't know, ask her to think about it). Nonviolent Communication might be a good book for both of you to read if when she says that she expects you to just sit there ans assure her that you wouldn't do that. Also, give her time to calm down if she's obviously upset if you can (or give yourself sometime to calm down if you need it). Remember to take into account the half-life on the autonomic nervous system.
If we're recommending books on communication, my pick is Non-Violent Communication (Wikipedia article, book).
There are a couple of books that are very helpful with developing options for communication. Nonviolent Communication and The Assertive Option are worth a look. Try being a modest pain in the ass sometime. Stiff the server on the tip, leave the restaurant and come back in and apologize that you lost your mind for a minute and don't know why you just filled in the total without tipping. Give them the same tip you would have anyway. Counter service is where you walk up to the counter to order and the servers only bring your food to you and clear the tables. Tips are typically 10% but the staff still gets minimum wage.
This is a first time thing for you, I get that. These conversations aren't easy to start, but they get easier with time and practice. If it helps, you might try writing down what you want to say ahead of time - this gives you time to really examine your feelings and what you're wanting to say.
You might want to look into the book Nonviolent Communication. Silly title, but it has some really good ideas and techniques for effective communication.
This is good advice, though. Your wife isn't trying to communicate like men communicate. She's trying to express her feelings. Figure out what she's feeling (or make an educated guess) and try to empathize with her.
I'd suggest looking into reading nonviolent communication. Good luck.
I really recommend this book for you: Nonviolent Communication. I think it would help both you and your girlfriend with communication. It definitely helped me and mine a lot (obviously we aren't perfect, but we have greatly improved with time) :)
Communication is non-punishing dialogue. It's uncompetitive and cooperative. I'd like to recommend this book. It will surely make you more effective in furthering your causes.
Projecting much?
You literally linked selling out or get out as the only two options followed up by mentioning the reason you cant work at Amazon is your entire future would be unfulfilled.
Don't make me use those silly quotes. May I suggest a communication course or two at the Community College? I hear really great things about being able to bring out top notch communication skills. Or better yet, buy from Amazon a self help book: Nonviolent Communication