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Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides)?
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I have my moments... There is another path that forked at another comment of mine you responded to if you want to read a headache of a novel. Let's just say it didn't go as well and I kept coming back to my interactions w/ you to restore some faith in humanity and try to regain my center. I try to take the social-karma path of putting into the world that of which I hope to get out, even if my yield is less than my investment w/ the hope that if more people end up putting in towards the better then maybe the better will prevail. It's a naïve notion based on the belief that there is more good in humans than not, but its my way of trying to contribute while remaining sane, so even if I disagree down to a fundamental level with someone I try to take the "Non-violent Communication" approach. Even I get caught up in poor, underhanded and sarcastic language when I forget to give the person on the other end the benefit of the doubt. It really takes work to try and be the better after a life of learning to be snide, sarcastic, cutting and cunning in our language to gain the upper hand when communicating. I still need lots of work, but after nearly 40 years of learning the wrong way, it's going to take awhile to unlearn all the bad ways we were taught to communicate and I owe it to my infant daughter to be better by the time she can talk. https://smile.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4/
Language is polymorphic. What that means is English is highly context sensitive. People say X, but mean Y. It's easy to misunderstand what people mean and misunderstanding from this causes wars, arguments, relationship problems, and most other negative things under the sun.
If you don't know what their needs were when they said that, you're only guessing at what they meant, and you may have misheard what they said too.
I recommend checking out the book Nonviolent Communication. It's a quick read that explains in detail how easy it is to misunderstand others and how to better understand what people are actually mean when they say something. It could massively help you out, and it's a quick read.
>An enlightening look at how peaceful communication can create compassionate connections with family, friends, and other acquaintances, this international bestseller uses stories, examples, and sample dialogues to provide solutions to communication problems both at home and in the workplace. Guidance is provided on identifying and articulating feelings and needs, expressing anger fully, and exploring the power of empathy in order to speak honestly without creating hostility, break patterns of thinking that lead to anger and depression, and communicate compassionately. Included in the new edition is a chapter on conflict resolution and mediation.
It's really good at concentrating on needs, both yours and the people you're talking with!
Here's a book that can teach you how to make requests of people without being demanding:
https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4
You guys have a lot of talking to do. May I recommend: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?\_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
The best book on communication you can read: https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4
First of all, for me it's not unusual to have problems with doing things, when I am overwhelmed with my feelings.
A book 'Nonviolent Communication' by Rosenberg B. Marshall has helped me a lot with managing my relations with other and my relations with me. The book is a foundation for NVC movement.
In nutshell, NVC has 4 steps:
what are the observations (facts)
what are my feelings
what are my needs
what are my strategies / requests to fulfill the needs
Based on these 4 steps, I try to communicate with myself or with someone else (sometimes it even doesn't have to be a real conversation with that person - I find peace with just writing it down as if the person was present).
Here's an example of ephatic communication with myself.
When I hear my boss speaking to me loud and in impatient manner.
I feel anxious, iritated, nervous, insecure.
What I need is to be calm, be respected, be recognized, be listened
I ask myself
- to go for a short power walk with some breath excersises after this kind of conversation happened
- to write down facts, feelings and needs I am having and read it aloud to myself
- to write down several things I have achieved or words of appreciation I have been getting from my co-workers and read it aloud to myself
- to look at my boss in empathic way and try to guess his / her observations, feeling, needs and requests
There are some ground rules:
Feelings are neither good nor bad. They are present and they either comfortable or incomfortable.
Feelings signal fulfilled or unfulfilled needs.
Needs are universal and my needs are not in opposite to someone else's needs.
Strategies (request) to fulfill needs can be in opposite.
Finding my needs is hard, when it's done, finding strategies to fulfill the needs are rather simple.
Link to the book: www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4
If you have any questions considering NVC, feel free to ask, maybe I will know to answer coming from my experience.
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Calmly written in Difree
https://www.freetoattach.com/ is a great resource for moving from avoidance to secure.
Learning about Non-Violent Communication can help you understand what you're feeling and why: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Dr. Stan Tatkin is one of my favorite people who teaches about attachment, becuase he does so without pathologizing or shaming people. Wired for Love is a great place to start: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006HY0PH6/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Youtube can introduce you to his ideas too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-m754uvhrKM
And here's a golden nugget to contemplate: Perhaps underneath your avoidant attachment is an anxious-preoccupied aspect of yourself.
Read chapters 9 and 12 of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
Read this book, it changed my life:
Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_sW1BFbYQGV084
Audible version:
https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Nonviolent-Communication-Audiobook/B00TJO3RKI
Hi,
I don't know any specific resources about how to talk with someone with anxiety. But I can recommend general books about communication. I like Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg.
Here's the link to amazon and a summary in Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sjA90hvnQ0
Good luck!
no problem! let me explain, but first do some research about the 5 love languages, it seems to me that the way you show love is through physical affection, maybe you can explain it to her and also find out why she doesn't like it?
but about the nonviolent communication thing, well sure it's just a book so you need to do all the work, but it offers a new perspective. i used to get angry at people all the time, thinking that they are doing things to hurt me, taking things personally and that made me really mad and hurt, this book changed my views on the situations, to not focus on me, but to try to listen to what the other person is trying to tell me, like for instance if i schedule going out with a friend and that friend cancels at the last moment that would have made me super sad and even mad, but now i understand it has nothing to do with me, maybe their anxiety prevented them from going out, maybe they are going through some other stuff. also during arguments we tend to take things personally, and say things in a way that just creates more hurt, the book can help you learn how to say things in a better way for both people, so that you can convey what you're trying to say in a clearer and less violent approach.
even if you don't want to read the book, take a look at the sample, or even the reviews on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships-ebook/dp/B014OISVU4/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Nonviolent communication. Marshall Rosenberg's book would be a simple and cheap place to start, and may be plenty for your situation.
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