It's a good book, but I prefer this one:
Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself byAziz Gazipura
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M
It goes more in depth about why are you a 'nice guy' and gives you much more practical advice and exercises to change it. Always found the latter lacking in No More Mr Nice Guy.
Read <em>Not Nice</em> by Aziz Gazipura.
It's about this exact thing. It draws a distinction between kindness and niceness and offers lots of real world examples you can apply.
NP. One of the things I want to warn you is to not fall into the trap of becoming a "nice guy". I suggest reading https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M ; basically, it's good to be grateful and polite, but too much can be a bad thing.
Also yeah, I just meant the account wasn't made specifically to throwaway for this purpose. I had an account that I stopped using too, but it wasn't meant to be a throwaway at the time so I don't consider it a throwaway.
Another thing is, at the risk of sounding too much like someone high above lecturing you... but I've learned a lot these past months and I really want to share what I've learned.
I think you should accept all of yourself, the good, the bad, the past, the present. If you are ashamed of your past, then you still haven't solved your low self-esteem problem and that will extend towards bad feelings/depression and also be an obstacle in finding fulfilling relationships.
I'm 34 now. My parents are both narcs but my mom actually more so. It's come to light a lot lately with behaviour toward my sister in law and I'm starting to see it with my wife as well.
I tend to be more assertive than my brother with my parents and my wife is more sociable than my sister in law so they've become the targets more often - they also have the only grandchild so far. Problems around this dynamic is where we're at as a family but I was very much in your shoes throughout my "prime" dating years.
I know our problems may not the be the exact same, nor have the same causes, but I was very much a people pleaser as a result of my upbringing and to some extent still am. This translated into being a pushover with friends, passive with women and low self-confidence in general despite having great social skills and a wide variety of hobbies and interests.
My suggestion is to not focus on just women and dating per se, but focus on you as a person in multiple aspects of your life. I think a strip club would only give you a skewed view of women because they're paid to show you the exact attention you want - you didn't "earn" it by being yourself and learning how to interact with people who aren't just performing to get your money.
Since my parents always knew better and were judgemental control freaks, I found I basically had to figure the more social aspects of life out at 26 when I moved out of my parent's house for the first time. That's when I grew some balls and did things on my own where I gained a lot of confidence. Online dating was a huge help because it's different from the traditional way - you learn about each other a bit then you meet in person if you both want to. It's important to develop chemistry ASAP in person but at least the ice has sort of been broken via emails, texts and phone calls first. You can develop your own style for meeting people and get to a comfort level around women and dating this way if it works ok for you. You'll be on plenty of first and only dates with people but treat them as learning experiences because that's what all dating is anyway.
Other things that helped me was hitting the gym, a podcast called "The Art of Manliness" and this book that I heard about on said podcast - https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1537974726&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=saying+no&psc=1
I'm no expert, just sharing my experience in hopes that one little tidbit of info helps. Best of luck!
Based on the final sentences and how you said you want her to learn to say no, how about the book "Not Nice"?
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M
That’s awful. You’re a kid that is growing up too fast. You’re treated like the adult in relationships and no one sees you aren’t an adult, you don’t know all the answers, and you need help and care.
This is long, definitely skip around. I hear your pain, it resonates with me.
I just want to explain my background. I was 5 foot 10 as a girl whenI was 13-14. I felt out of place compared to everyone else. I grew up in an emotionally and psychologically abusive family. I became the adult listening to my mother and trying to comfort her and never upsetting her. I listened to her problems but she thought I had none. I didn’t have the chance to make mistakes and have someone be there for me. I couldn’t express my feelings because either they were ignored or were treated as if I was hurting them with my feelings. When I was sad and crying I was sent to my room to get over it and only come out when I stopped. My mom made it about her feelings of uncomfortableness rather than my pain. She was basically saying my feelings weren’t important and that I was actually being inconsiderate while expressing them.
My solution was to turn off my feelings and approach everything like a robot. I dissociated from feelings so I could be numb. I didn’t completely succeed because I was still hurt by rude, dismissive and downright abusive comments and actions. It was good I didn’t succeed because it made it easier to get my feelings back as an adult. But it hurts having to suppress your emotions to make family and others comfortable. And to always be the listener and try to give advice and fix their problems. This is so wrong. It’s neglectful and abusive and none of this is your fault. You’re feelings and pain are valid and important.
I feel your pain and you are hurting a lot more. You’ve actually had suicide attempts because you feel alone and hopeless your life will get better. If you can’t get help and your pain is dismissed, I see why you went to suicide. Have you told your family doctor this? Don’t have your parents in the room. You won’t get sent to a hospital unless you are an immediate risk to taking your life. In fact, you’ll get screened for depression and have therapy recommended and to see a psychiatrist. Tell the doctor your parents won’t do this for you. Tell him your health is being neglected. Tell him you would like the help of a social worker. They will hold your parents accountable. They won’t take you away from your family but will work with them.
In the mean time, you can look up narcissistic parents and see if that describes them. Mine were and they don’t have empathy and everything is about them. There is a sub for that and you can get ideas of how to deal with them. You may have a problem with confidence right now. I found this book helpful. Maybe you can ask your parents to give you a credit card to use. Or it may be in a library ebook form. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=Dr.+Aziz+Gazipura+PsyD&qid=1609648020&s=digital-text&sr=1-2
And for CBT and ACT therapy, try https://www.amazon.com/dp/0380731762/ref=nav_timeline_asin?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1 and https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841/ref=pd_ybh_a_5?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=Y9G4Q5MZB6AKMD6S9MW3
And you may want to look into CBT and ACT therapy while you wait to get help. And you really do need help that a therapist can help you with. You need to talk to a real person that cares. That’s healing. Look for books on cbt and act therapy. There are some video courses online on udemy.com. If you wait for one of their frequent sales, they cost about 10-20 dollars. I know it might be tricky to pay for but contact them to see if you can give cash. Or maybe your parents will at least let you buy a course with a credit card. If you have any friends, tell their parents no one is helping you in your fa,ily and you would like to pay them back if they could buy some courses and books for you. Or a teacher or neighbor or relative you think may listen. I know it could be scary to ask, but you need to put your mental health first. You are asking for the bare minimum of help.
You can also call the suicide crisis line to see what they suggest for getting help. And if you feel lonely and sad, try calling a warm line which is talking to a peer. In the US, here is a link to them https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/BlogImageArchive/2020/NAMI-National-HelpLine-WarmLine-Directory-3-11-20.pdf
If you want to talk more about this, get supportive listening, or ask for other possibilities of help, let me know. It helps if so done listens to you and acknowledges your pain.
I'm currently reading Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. I just started but you can check it out.
From what you've said, i can actually kind of identify with your husband. It can be really difficult to improve some of these things... For me it's going well, based on some books about assertiveness. Basically I've lived my life struggling to please other people, and feeling guilty when I let them down. I also have a difficult time believing I am worthy of things (jobs, promotions, etc). When my wife is upset, I am terrified. When she praises me, I feel safe. It's not healthy.
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If this sounds like him, I'd recommend he reads this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M
I have similar issues, mine is being too much of a "nice" guy. Yes we hear that term thrown around on the internet a lot, but what does that mean? Won't we be loved if we're nice and go with the flow? No. Probably not.
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Give Not Nice by Gazipura a try.