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So this is, uh, a completely separate topic from the whole teenager situation. I'm content just reading everyone else's discussion about it and not contributing to it.
But I found out about a month ago that I have ADHD, so I've naturally been researching everything to do with it. I found this book, and it's a little bit blowing my mind how much harder I've been making getting my place under control. Reading that and then looking at CC'S insta... Imagine how pretty the Tableaux could look if she followed the rule of "inventory must be less than storage"
Very much agree. This kid isn’t “FuckingStupid,” she has some form of ADHD.
Honestly, even if the parent/child choose not to go the medication route (a good choice), it’s so helpful to have the diagnosis to get rid of the guilt and shame. Just knowing that “focusing” is going to be a primary challenge, even though most people can do it without trying, is a huge help. Having the freedom to accept that the “easy stuff” isn’t going to be easy is life changing in a good way.
I would not have wanted to be medicated, but if someone had taught me in middle school how to use something like Getting Things Done, I think it would have been a huge help to me in College and my early professional years. I do OK now, but I wish I’d spent my teens developing reasonable planning habits, none of that “put the date the huge project is due into your planner on that date!” bullshit that helps nobody.
Second big change: make sure the physical environment is geared toward an ADHDer. This book is a fucking godsend: https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128. Seriously, it is just the best. Rule number one: ease of stowage trumps ease of retrieval. Bear that one thing in mind when organizing and planning physical spaces, and 70% of the frustrations of day-to-day life with ADHD just go away.
I think the next change, to the “ADHD” diagnosis will be to add the slash into the acronym (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder for AD/HD) because hyperactivity is not always present. The next change will be getting rid of that last D, because it’s not a disorder so much as a difference that those who have it need to take into account.
I’m honestly not sure if we aren’t in our own way more suited to life in Consumer Culture and Attention Economy land. At least we feel the pain and anxiety right away rather than “powering through it” and bottling it up.
Medication is the most effective tool for treating ADHD, for sure, but it's not the only thing you can do. Make sure you eat and drink enough through the day and get plenty of sleep. Figure out what coping mechanisms and lifestyle interventions work for you. Russell Barkley has written books full of evidence-based tools you can use: Taking Charge of ADHD (for parents) and Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (for adults with ADHD). You might find both of them useful. Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD might also be helpful.
While it’s ADHD specific, the tips can apply generally to everyone as well: Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD. It’s about organizing your physical space, time and task management, and more.
I don't do well in clutter because it overwhelms me so I honestly throw away as much as I can possibly get away with and embrace minimalism. The less stuff you have the less there is to clean. Having fewer clothes forces you to do laundry more, for example, but have 15 pairs of pants makes it pretty easy to ignore laundry. I found this book to be amazingly helpful. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592335128/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_iHaTFbDW68WRC
In adition to the podcast idea there is a book by Susan Pinsky called Organizing solutions for ADHD, its pretty good
organizing with adhd
I highly suggest this book for the organization side. It works through specific rooms and common problems in an easily digestible way. It also espouses the "do what works for you, not what you think should work for you but doesn't" point of view which is SO valuable for us.
I this this book is totally worth it:
Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592335128?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
The section on email/digital info is totally out of date now, but I’ve implemented several other things and the philosophy the author uses really changed my perspective. Like a few others have posted, it’s important to find solutions that work for you and your brain, which is their philosophy. I remember reading about how you could just have a basket for socks and toss them all in without making pairs and… mind blown. I do that now, it’s great.
I have heard excellent things about "Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD" from people struggling with undiagnosed or untreated ADHD
I haven't read it yet because I keep forgetting about it but I literally just bought it for kindle for 3CAD.
I also use an app called Tody to make a list of chores that will auto-generate the next time a chore is due after I check it odd. Setting it up was tedious but when I actually use it, it helps a LOT.
Also check out the app Brili — there's one for adults with more cleaning oriented routines pre-built that you can just modify to your needs, but I use the original one for-kids to keep me doing routines. I am working on making it a habit to use my Brili "coming home" routine each day, which includes a custom task of "Do everything in the Tody app for today".
If you're struggling with household division of labour, Tody can sync two devices and then track who does what chore how often, so you can see if the perception of one person doing everything is accurate or not.
Do you mean scientific literature? Or just written materials?
I found the first 3 or so chapters from the book linked below EXTREMELY helpful. But then I got distracted and never finished the book. Whoops. Now I’m not sure where it is…
Your house looks perfectly fine, just a little cluttered. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. Here’s some tips that help me.
When bringing in groceries I immediately take them out of their bags. The bag obscured the items for me and my brain forgets about them. By removing the items I am able to account for what I have and where it needs to go.
I’m not sure how old your kids are but try to get them to help. Make it a game if you can. Time them to see how fast they can put their toys away.
Set a 15 min timer and work on a chore you’ve been putting off. If you feel motivated to continue after the timer then do it! If you don’t then you’ve at least made progress.
Check out the book Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD by Susan Pinsky. A lot of storage and organization solutions are pretty but not convenient. Focus on easy access over aesthetics.
And last but not least set longer time frames to get tasks done and forgive yourself when a task doesn’t get done. I struggle with this myself.
Best of luck to you dear.
Hey! Here it is! Thanks for asking, apparently I totally forgot the name! https://smile.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2MQDZAG6PG184&dchild=1&keywords=organization+for+adhd+adults&qid=1633624204&sprefix=organization+for+ADH&sr=8-3
This booked helped me!
Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD, 2nd Edition-Revised and Updated: Tips and Tools to Help You Take Charge of Your Life and Get Organized https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592335128/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_AE7QBQYS3937G4GQVS68
Gosh I can relate with this so much . Literally this is so story of my life doing well being organized for a while and then slipping. I typically have to go on a long drive or exercise to focus enough on regrouping and getting organized again . Once I get back home i write out my goals for getting back on track. ( I know it will be only as long as I can stay on track it is exhausting ) I recently read this book called Organizing Solutions for people with ADHD and it is pretty amazing . The lady is a professional organizer for people with ADHD ( and also has a daughter with ADHD ) and it have never heard someone break down the ADHD organizational problem better than this author . ( Susan Pinsky )
I really liked Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD.
Also the KonMari method helped me a lot, especially the 'tidying by category', so no 'clean your room' but 'we're going to put all the clothes away and after we'll do the toys'.
Great job! I also have ADHD, and the book Organizing Solutions For People With ADHD is a lifesaver. It makes things way easier, and has a bunch of tips for pretty much every section of your house you could think of. I'd highly recommend taking a look!
Good book: Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD
Try this book that comes highly recommended from other people with adhd it just might help: https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128 (I don’t have adhd btw and therefore haven’t read the book myself I just follow some authors who do on social media) NAH
Don't know what that book was, but this one on Amazon seems to have good reviews, and looks like there are others out there too - googled organization ADD and there were a lot of sites and results
To add, start your house together by setting up organization. Our brains have trouble organizing things and maintaining a system that may work for NTs. This book is an amazing reference! It could save you a lot of headaches later on.
Yep, sounds about right. Welcome to my brain & life. I was recently recommended this book, I checked it out from the library, and it's already helped me a ton: Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD
What I like is the author (a professional organizer) understands that organizing is, really, REALLY hard for us. Her goal for people with ADHD would be to have a neurotypical person's "before" photo.
Honestly, I'm seconding this. It doesn't matter what age he is or what generation he's from, this is not an equal partnership. You need someone who is willing to understand your mental illness and help you however they can. I can tell you from past experiences that people like this aren't going to want to understand, all they see are excuses.
BUT I can suggest some help for the home stuff. I personally haven't read it but several people I know have raved about Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD and how it helped them defeat their cluttered homes.
I’m not sure what resources you’ve tapped into for your ADHD kiddo but I recommend this book to anyone fighting the good fight.
Edit: I have an ADHD 7 year old and two pre school aged kids so I definitely feel your pain.
I know this is not the advice you're looking for, but I always found tidying (and cleaning) very difficult but I implemented the advice in this book and I've found it way easier now, I can do it without thinking! Might be useful if you're looking for other solutions? :)
So you don't eventually get a nasty surprise, think Bose is a ~~50%~~ partial trade in credit on malfunctioning headphones once you're out of warranty. I'm not sure you have to buy directly from them initially--think you can trade in a set from anywhere though obviously you'd have to buy the new set from them.
Stellar post, btw. Some of your solutions resemble things I learned in Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD. I'd recommend it as a good read to people wanting to simplify.
* looking online, depends on age of the headphones.
I didn't mention, but it did take 3 months between when I made my first appointment and when I got my diagnosis. First, I have ADHD. Wait for 3 months just to be told what I already know? GRR. Add to that 3 months of desperately trying not to lose my job - very frustrating. I can give you two pieces of advice here. First, lean on the help of this subreddit. The people here really helped me through those 3 months.
Second, start looking in to strategies for coping with ADHD now. Most ADHD coping strategies you'll find will work great for people with ADHD - but also realize that most things people without ADHD do won't work for us (and can be extremely frustrating). A good example is this book which is all about organizing a home, for people with ADHD. Anybody could benefit from this book, but it's great for someone with adhd.
The point being - you don't need a diagnosis to start changing your life for the better. You do need one for medication though. Medication isn't magic, but it sure does make your life easier, once you find the right medication.
I live in Canada so I can't speak much about the insurance. I would suggest making a separate post and asking for advice, I think there are many people in your situation. Whenever someone asks this kinds of question they usually get tons of great advice.
In Canada, the government pays for your psychiatrist visits, but I did have to pay for my psychologist visits ($180/hour). I ended up applying for financial assistance at the insistence of my psychologist despite my belief that I would never qualify. I make 50K+/year, and I qualified for a reduced rate of $20/hour (thanks to my massive debt). All I'm saying here is don't assume you don't qualify, even if it seems obvious.
No matter what you do, you are making progress! Even a single tissue being tossed. Now, round two of mess is coming but think of it like waves in a video game. You're still progressing.
Anyhow, cleaning is one of the worst things to deal with more ever. Unfuck Your Habitat exists and has an app, basic rule is 20 minutes work then 10 minutes rest and don't do it all at once. Also put shit away. Less cursing filled is FlyLady which is more ongoing and advice like how to clean
Step one, is clean. This is how I clean when alone.
Step 2 is don't let it get dirty, I mean it'll get dirty but if you leave things it never ends!
There's a video on cleaning advice and book on organizing that have helped me. Not all work for me, but a lot do. Separating rooms to do once at a time also helps.
ALSO ALL THE COFFEE.
Organize: Make lists of daily tasks (be reasonable!) and work to complete them. Use a daily planner, leave notes for yourself, and set your alarm clock when you need to remember an appointment or other activity.
Books: These are the highest rated books regarding ADHD:
Most popular Youtube videos:
There is also a subreddit you can join, where you can find people with the same issues and that can answer specific questions you have: /r/ADHD
Here's a list of symptoms associated with depression. See for yourself if they apply to you or not.
Here are a number of things you can do yourself, to improve your depression symptoms:
For the below advice, take your phone and set repeating alarm clock reminders, with labels of what to do. Train yourself to either snooze or reschedule the reminders if you can't take action right away, but never to ignore them. The intention is to condition yourself, to build habits, so you will start healing yourself without having to think about it.
Sleep: There is a complex relationship between sleep and depression.
Go outside: If you haven't been outside much lately, you might just need some sunlight.
15 minutes two to three times a week is enough. This will fix serotonin levels as well as vitamin D deficiencies.
Meditate: Depressions can be significantly reduced by meditating. The best types Of Meditations For Depression Relief.
Exercise: The effect of exercise on depressions
Give lots of hugs: Hugs release oxytocin, which improves your mood and relaxes you. So find people to hug. If you are single, hug your parents or friends. If you can't, see if a dog is an option. Most dogs love to hug. Another solution that provides the same benefit is a weighted blanket will provide a similar positive effect at night. You should try to aim for 12 hugs a day (if you currently don't hug a lot, I suggest you slowly build it up over time).
Music: The right music can improve your mood. The genre is not important as long as it is: "Upbeat, rhytmic and energetic". What this means differs from person to person, depending on their music taste. I have a special playlist for this. One way to measure the effectiveness, of the songs is your ability to listen to it over and over (if you can listen to it hundreds of times it likely has the highest positive effect on your mood). The effect can be amplified by using headphones and playing it LOUD and can further be enhanced by closing your eyes (doi:10.1177/0305735617734627, doi:10.1093/jmt/50.3.198 and doi:10.1177/0305735617751050).
You are not your depression: For some people (often those that have been depressed for a long time), their depression has become a part of who they are and they assume a victim role. But that is a big problem, you have to will yourself into someone that sees themselves as a person that is actively fighting their disease, that no longer identifies with it, or else you will unconsciously obstruct your own healing process. As Eckhart Tolle expressed it in A New Earth:
> A very common role is the one of victim, and the form of attention it seeks is sympathy or pity or others' interest in my problems, "me and my story." Seeing oneself as a victim is an element in many egoic patterns, such as complaining, being offended, outraged, and so on. Of course, once I am identified with a story in which I assigned myself the role of victim, I don't want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its "problems" because they are part of its identity.
Jordan Peterson: How To Deal With Depression (50 minutes). Jordan Peterson is a clinical psychologist, that's specialized in mythology. This is a compilation focusing specifically on depression.
Practice gratitude: Take 5 minutes every day to practice gratitude.
Volunteer: Study after study shows that helping others without expecting anything in return will lessen depression and has other health benefits. Let me know if you need some ideas.
Highest rated books:
Phone Apps: Two popular free apps used to help fight depressions, are Wysa and MoodTools. These will track your mood, give you advice, even listen to your problems. The most popular meditation app is: Calm - Meditate, Sleep, Relax
Free support options:
There are several subreddits, where you can post additional questions:
If you are not sure if you really have self esteem issues, then here's a page of 10 warning signs that you have low self esteem. Read it and you can confirm yourself if the below advice applies to you or not.
What is self esteem?
self-esteem is the overall sense or feeling you have about your own self-worth or self-value.
Causes of Low Self-Esteem:
Here is a short overview of how to improve your self esteem:
You’ve got a few confounding factors with your sampling group:
You’re on Reddit, and dealing with ADHD by being on Reddit is like self-medicating with vodka for cirrhosis-induced liver pain.
You’re on Reddit, and Redditors are a whiny bunch.
You’re on Reddit, and this website’s primary purpose is to distract people from the work they’re supposed to be doing.
In general I think the key to not being depressed and anxious is harmony with your lifestyle, and ADHD people have different brains which needs to be accounted for. Living in society with ADHD is like trying to drive a snowmobile and being told to drive it like a car. Accept that your challenges and strengths are going to be different than other people’s, and you’ll do much better.
Pharmaceutical interventions are great, but lifestyle changes are usually just as helpful. If your bedroom gets cluttered to the point where it is uncomfortable, make changes to the way it’s layed out; do not just say: “eh, ADHD, I can’t keep things organized.” You can keep things organized, you just need to make the high-level organization match your brain rather than brute force a “normal” household. Rule number one: it must be as easy or easier to stow something as it was to retrieve it.
Pursuant to that, make sure you are comfortable cooking, sweeping, doing laundry, etc. on autopilot. Clear a weekend to learn the ropes if you must. My dad had excellent executive function until he was 50. After that he did OK for a few years while he still had his habits to get him through the day; when those went away he spiraled. Make sure your life is set up so you don’t spiral. This is another Reddit confounding factor, btw; lots of large children who think they are adults on here who aren’t willing to put in the work to make their domestic life comfortable. That’s a huge drag on your brain. Like I say, I think there’s some overlap with OCD. It might have “Attention Deficit” in the name, but my presentation is best described as “Notice fucking everything, all the time!!!”
Finally, most people with ADHD end up in a job that suits it, and are happier for it. Make sure you can make that happen, and you’ll be fine. I was not anxious or depressed in High School, where problems were easy, discrete, and solvable very quickly. I had a real hard time in college, and again in graduate school before I started working with myself rather than trying to be normal.
TL:DR - Don’t try to be normal, work with the brain you have. At home, this is your bible: https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128
You are already starting to make good choices - you recognize that things are tough and your taking steps to get better. That is awesome and worth celebrating. And starting with free and cheap things like a day planner or to do app is a good start, as is trying out books like this one https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128
But if you are describing your life as chaos just keep in mind that things like these may not be enough, and that is okay. Don't be upset if you can't bootstrap yourself out of your current situation. Just keep trying things out to see what works, and if nothing works remember that there is a reason, even if you don't know it yet.
Have you considered that you may have an undiagnosed issue that's creating the chaos? ADD, various learning disabilities or cognitive issues, sleep cycle disorders, autism spectrum disorder, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (just spitballing), mental health issues like PTSD or severe depression, or even a combination of these things could all be contributing to your issues. Hell, certain vitamin deficiencies will cause brain fog, fatigue, etc.
At the very least you seem to have a self-esteem issue - I guarantee you are not a disaster. You're a person who is struggling and needs help, which we all do at least occasionally. I know it's tough if you're in the US and don't have insurance, but it's worth getting to a doctor to at least rule out things like anemia, hypothyroidism etc. And if you're still in the public school system you should be able to get the school to test you for learning disabilities (this will depend on your state funding and may take quite a while though).
Reddit can be really awesome for ideas and support, minus a few trolls, so it's good that you're posting here; just keep in mind that this is basically the same as asking neighbors and coworkers for advice and doesn't replace people with professional training in psychology, cognitive science, biology and that you may need to talk to a specialist at some point. Good luck! I hope this is the start of a wonderful and healing journey for you.
I think this it. My copy was from a library and had a different cover.
I have ADHD and would bet you do, too. Here are a few resources that have helped me:
Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD
ologies podcast about adhd
[How to ADHD](https://howtoadhd.com]
I know i’m a few weeks late, but i think/ hope i can help a little bit! I also have some mental and other health issues that fluctuate and affect my ability to create and keep up with cleaning systems. If you just want to read quick solutions for immediate easy improvement, scroll past the numbers. otherwise, here are my biggest tips:
1) Be gentle with yourself, and respect your body (brain included) above anything else. It’s okay if your house doesn’t always look perfect. This doesn’t say anything about your self worth.
2) I find it helpful to have 2 different systems: a “full” system for when my health is better, where stuff really gets organized and looks good for a while, and a backup “crash course” system for when I can’t follow the full system. (i’ll describe mine below)
3) Create systems when you are in your better mental health phases/days, but do them with your worse days in mind. One of my main rules is “is this as easy/almost as easy as tossing this on the floor?”. If not, I know I won’t keep it up, even if i want to. I find this book incredibly helpful. It has tips, pictures, and explanations of strategies specifically designed for people whose brains make organization a struggle. it’s targeted for adhd, but honestly is relevant for a lot of stuff. Several of my tips here are actually from that book, i think.
4) When you get things set up the way you want them, take pictures of everything and save them somewhere that’s easy to find. that way, when you don’t have the mental energy to remember where to put things, you can literally just open the pics and do a “matching game”
5) Set a timer for how long you’re going to clean, and let yourself quit when it’s done, no matter how little you feel like you got done. I do as little as 3-5 minutes at a time on my worst days. anything is better than nothing. You can also set a timer for work and breaks… for example, Work for 10 minutes, take a break for 30 minutes (watch a show or something!). repeat. repeat this for as long as you feel up for it, and you can always lengthen your work time or shorten your break time if you decide you want to. But don’t force it for too long! the goal is to make it feel less overwhelming!
Backup/low maintenance system examples:
I have 2 big laundry baskets in my room. Dirty clothes go in one basket. Clothes I would wear again without washing go in the other basket. Is it perfect? No. But it keeps clothes off the floor and makes me feel less overwhelmed. On days when I have a little more energy or motivation, i can go over to the “cleanish” bin and take a few things out and put them away. Note that changed my life: If something is clean enough to wear again, it’s clean enough to put with your other clean clothes. It’s not going to contaminate them, so it doesn’t have to wait on the floor.
In each major room you use, you can put a box or basket by the door for “other room stuff”…things that need to be put away in other rooms. That way, you can just dump stuff in there that needs to go from your bedroom to the kitchen, for example, to get it off the floors and other surfaces. When it gets full or on one of your 5 or 10 min cleaning sprees, bring the basket to one other room and put away a few things.
it’s much easier to hang things up on hooks than hangers. I use command hooks and over-the-door hooks for a lot of stuff (towels, jackets, hats, belts, literally anything they will hold..). sometimes i go back and actually hang up some of those items in my closet when i’m feeling better. sometimes i dont.
literally any open-topped boxes, bins, plastic totes, etc. are good for getting stuff off the floor and corralling the chaos. lids are another barrier to keeping up with a system. a plastic tote with the lid underneath it and a post it note on the front can be somewhere to toss shoes or jackets or extra blankets, etc.
This isn’t my main account, so i don’t check messages here as often, but seriously feel free to PM me for ideas, facebook groups, etc. for this kind of thing.
Maybe someday i’ll make an actual post about organization with mental illness, health issues, and disabilities
Read this book. Best thing I ever did for organizing anything in my life.
Update: found it!!
Modafinil: Modafinil is proven to work for ADHD and can be ordered from overseas without much risk (alternatively, you could also ask your doctor to prescribe it to you). The benefit is that it is a lot more subtle than other ADHD medications and is not addictive. If you want to go this route, do your own research because there are risks. Medication should be prescribed by a licensed doctor, because they know those risks, by doing it yourself, you assume the risks of medicating yourself. There are subreddits that will tell you where to find Modafinil suppliers (just search for modafinil and reddit), but I can't (and don't want to) vouch for any specific reseller. This might also be technically against the laws in your country (though not all countries enforce these laws against Modafinil or other non-addictive medication). You can find more information on /r/Nootropics/. Gwern also has a well documented page on it.
Here's how to improve your self esteem:
Read the reviews and decide which one you like most, order the book and just start working through it.
Sleep: How Sleep Impacts Your Self-Esteem, a second source: How to Boost Your Self-esteem by Sleeping More.
Exercise: Self Esteem and exercise, a second source: How Does Exercise Affect Your Self-Esteem?
There exist a large amount of self help articles out there, but many will try to sell you their self help books. Here are a few that don't do that:
Here is some information on what causes self esteem issues, in case you're wondering how you ended up with it.
The most popular videos on improving your self esteem:
Finally, there are two subreddits that you can join and where you can ask specific questions to people that have faced the same problems you are facing today:
You have taken the first step. Asking for advice on what to do next. Now you have to take your own mental health seriously and take the next step. You, just like everyone else are worth investing effort into. If you are not going to do it, neither will anyone else. So now keep walking. Let me know if you have any questions regarding any of the above advice.
If you can't improve your self esteem after a few months, consider going to a therapist.
Social anxiety can be treated and generally only takes 12 to 16 weeks to be cured.
Use this link to verify that it is actually social anxiety: What are the Signs and Symptoms of Social Anxiety?
By far the most preferred way to do address your disorder is by going to a specialist that's trained in curing (social) anxiety.
Your medical insurance might limit what therapist is accessible for you. If so, go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist specialized in anxiety disorders preferably, or if the doctor has not access to that information, ask for a CBT Therapist.
You can also use this link to search for a specialist in your area that is specialized in Social Anxiety, select Social Anxiety from the drop down menu. This will likely be someone that is specialized in CBT.
A small number of people that are treated will fall back in their old patterns and will have to go for a second round (which has a much higher success rate, so don't give up if that happens!). Those people also have the option to try medication instead, by going to a psychiatrists. Some people will respond better to medicine and some better to therapy, you won't know in which category you fall, unless you've tried both.
If you can't afford or do not want therapy, but still want to try and improve your health, that's not the best way, but if you put in enough effort, will improve your symptoms. If you go this route, I suggest you set a deadline for yourself, then you contact a specialist if you can't meet it.
How to resolve social anxiety yourself:
The best and quickest way to deal with anxiety, is to face your fear.
If you always avoid situations that scare you, you might stop doing things you want or need to do. You won't be able to test out whether the situation is always as bad as you expect, so you miss the chance to work out how to manage your fears and reduce your anxiety. Anxiety problems tend to increase if you get into this pattern. Exposing yourself to your fears can be an effective way of overcoming this anxiety.
The experience of anxiety involves nervous system arousal. If your nervous system is not aroused, you cannot experience anxiety. Understandably, but unfortunately, most people attempt to cope with feelings of anxiety by avoiding situations or objects that elicit the feelings. Avoidance, however, prevents your nervous system from habituating. Therefore, avoidance guarantees that the feared object or situation will remain novel, and hence arousing, and hence anxiety provoking. Moreover, avoidance tends to generalize over time. If you avoid the elevator at work, you will soon begin to avoid all elevators, and then all buildings that house elevators. Soon enough, you'll be living in a prison of avoidance.
This book changed my life - Organizing for Adhd. I've literally adopted so many strategies. And then putting baskets where you would ordinarily dump things is amazing.
In this life, it's ants vs. grasshoppers. Either you force yourself to be an ant or you accept you're a grasshopper and that every now and then winter will be here and you'll get very cold and hungry and the ants will only give you enough food, so you don't plunder the local Walmart store. It's about forcing yourself to do things you don't like now, to avoid repeated anxiety and depression in the future. This place might seem civilized, but underneath that thin layer of progress we're still playing a game of survival of the fittest. It has to be, because if humans are too kind to each other, it will be exploited by those less morally inclined.
The two things that are right now exchanging ideas through text on the internet are only parts of us, our consciousness. That is the part of us that can write and talk and predict the future. Evolutionary, it's the newest addition to our brain.
A lot of our behavior is done by our unconsciousness, which predates our consciousness by many millions of years and our consciousness is pretty much bolted on to it, but it only has limited control.
You can't stop breathing or stop your heart from beating, even if you tried. It's outside of our control.
That unconsciousness wants to be comfortable, eat, fuck and conserve energy. If you give it that, it's happy. It doesn't care about tomorrow. Only about now. It's stupid.
To achieve things in life, you need planning, so it requires that your consciousness figures out how to make the rest of you do what it wants. The better it is at that, the more likely it is you'll be successful in life.
You start out with basically no control over your unconsciousness (your parents keep it in control until your consciousness starts to emerge) and then as time progresses, you expand the neural pathways that gives your consciousness more control. You do that the same why you build muscles. Slowly exercising control over time.
The more control your consciousness has, the more likely it is you do activities that will increase its understanding, the more future control it has, the more intelligent it will be.
Most people aren't even consciousness most of the time. They believe they are, but that's just an illusion. In reality, their consciousness turns on and off as needed. The brain wants to conserve energy. And that consciousness is expensive to run. If you just sit and consume media, you don't need to be conscious. If you do an action you've done 500 times before, like take a shit or make a sandwich, you don't need to be conscious, you unconsciousness will handle it, so it's off.
If it's off all the time, your self control gets weaker.
If you drop control for a couple of weeks (like frequently happens when depressed), you need to build it back up. It's like riding a bike, or skating. The more you've done it, the faster it'll come back.
That's it, from a high level.
Your Bible: https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128
No problem! There's a lot to navigate!
Two other great resources I can recommend are the YouTube channel "How to ADHD" and another book, "ADD-Friendly Solutions to Organizing Your Life."
This 2nd book focuses more on how to organize your time and energies in light of ADD. It's more general but has great examples and suggestions. Until you read something like that, you just don't realize how much you're still trying to do as an NT (neurotypical).
That first book I recommended before about cleaning is more specific to actual tidying, cleaning, and how to organize your stuff in a way that makes it easier for our brains to manage household chores. It's not instant magic, but every little bit helps. I've conquered my paper piles with advice from that book.
Cleaning and organizing tips for your house:
"Organizing Solutions For People with ADHD"
More general life planning/organization:
"ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life" https://www.amazon.com/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1138190748
Amazing YouTube channel: "How To ADHD"
And also... Find an ADHD Facebook group (not to knock Reddit, of course!). They're are so many out there and they're awesome!
Good luck. Welcome to the neurodivergent tribe :)
Have you worked with a doctor or therapist on treatment/coping?
I don't know your gender, background, work, location etc, but I have found a lot of great information in books/article.
This is a great book for anyone which helps with organization. Being better organized in general might help raise your threshold when dealing with social situations if you haven't used up you 'stimulus bank' on a chaotic environment.
This is a great book for women with ADHD. It's changing my life.
One of the most important things I'm learning is how a lifetime of not living up to expectations (of myself, society, family etc) has led me to develop a lot of intense feelings of guilt and shame. I am working on reversing that and forgiving myself when I do make mistake or reach the point of overs-stimulation.
Finally, with work, again depending on your location, you may be able to request reasonable accommodation. The caveat here is that you'll need a medical diagnosis.
I just bought this. I skimmed it and it looks amazing! So many great ideas and it’s broken down in a great, easy to follow way!
Organizing Solutions for People with... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592335128?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf
(Most of this is adapted advice from this book. I'm still a work in progress on this myself so this advice is as much for me as it is for you)
The big wins are going to be to make it easier to throw things away, put things away, and clean. Basically think in terms of rationing your attention "spoons." Don't waste valuable attention on low-priority, "nice-to-have" stuff. Maximize efficiency.
For the first one, are your trash cans large enough? Are there trash cans in enough locations? Are the trash bags right there or do you have to hunt for them to change the bag?
For the second one, when you're putting stuff away, is there actually a consistent place that everything goes? Or do you have to kind of wing it every time because you have too much stuff per unit of storage space?
The solution here is to make more storage space (preferably open space, like cubbies or shelves), and also ruthlessly, brutally, totally purge anything inessential. Donate, put out on the front step, throw away, recycle. Stuff in the "might use someday" category is a giant red flag for "give or throw this away." Getting a body double can help for these big organization/purge sequences.
Also, how many steps are involved in putting stuff away? Open containers are better, because you don't have to open or close a door. Anything fiddly or involved (like having to stack and unstack things) is disastrous because realistically, you just won't do it. Ideally, you should almost be able to fling stuff into place from wherever it is in the room. Having stuff organized in a more "open" plan may be a little less "Martha Stewart," but it can still look nice and organized, and it is way easier.
For the third one, do you have storage space for everything that's not "in a pile on the floor"? If things are in piles, you can't sweep and mop easily. If there's lots of crap around your bed or if it's totally crammed into the corner, your bed will be harder to make and you won't do it as much.
And can you simplify your sweeping/mopping/vacuuming routine? Swiffer-style mops with disposable cloths and the kind of cleaner you just squirt on the floor may cost a bit more, but if it saves you time and aggravation, it may be worth it. If your nemesis is the dishes, maybe get some compostable plates/silverware. Or, put almost all of your dishes in storage except for one or two sets, so they can't possibly build up. Bring the rest out only when you have company.
Basically, release yourself from the pressure of living up to a neurotypical person's standards for aesthetics and perfect environmental-friendliness in housekeeping. That stuff is for people with attention, time, and energy to spare. Focus on efficiency.
Read several books on organizing for ADHD. When I was diagnosed, I read Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD and ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. Out of all the organizing books I've read my whole life to deal with my brain (and I've read ton because I REALLY hated people criticizing me for my messiness and carelessness), the readability and the solutions are tailored to the ADHD brain. I hope these help you get some good ideas!
This kid isn’t “FuckingStupid,” she has some form of ADHD.
Second big change: make sure the physical environment is geared toward an ADHDer. This book is a fucking godsend: https://www.amazon.com/Organizing-Solutions-People-Revised-Updated/dp/1592335128. Seriously, it is just the best. So well-written and organized: Rule number one: ease of stowage trumps ease of retrieval. Bear that one thing in mind when organizing and planning physical spaces, and 70% of the frustrations of day-to-day life with ADHD just go away.
I think the next change to the “ADHD” diagnosis will be to add the slash into the acronym (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder for AD/HD) because hyperactivity is not always present. The next change will be getting rid of that last D, because it’s not a disorder so much as a difference that those who have it need to take into account.
I’m honestly not sure if we aren’t in our own way more suited to life in Consumer Culture and Attention Economy land. At least we feel the pain and anxiety right away rather than “powering through it” and bottling it up.