You will go back to your normal healthy self, it will just take time. I think you are experiencing a short-term coping mechanism as a result of trauma. Remember, sociopaths have a brain disorder were certain parts of their brain do not function correctly or at all and crucial connections aren't are there and the dysfunctional brain developed in utero or within the first 4 years of life. You are an adult with a fully formed normal brain and it won't change (short of brain damaging injury.)
It's actually pretty common to think you might be a sociopath after ending a relationship with one. And wonder if those close to you are paths too. Hard to trust after getting involved with one, ya know? What you knew of human beings got turned on it's head but just remember they're only 1% the remaining 99% are not socio/psychopaths so your chances of running into one again are slim plus you now have KNOWLEDGE and are aware of the warning signs and can make a quick exit if you suspect.
You're in a more strategic and aware place than most of humanity as the majority of people are completely naive about this god-awful predatory disorder that wrecks havoc on peoples' lives. You know now and can protect yourself.
I'm pretty logical/scientific and don't read self-help books or bs like that but i found this book incredibly helpful. I mean, check out the most helpful comment.
You're gonna be okay :)
(https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0425279995/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
I highly highly highly recommend this book. If you can afford it get it from Amazon or go to the authors website message boards. This book is what finally helped me understand narcissism in a relationship.
That’s great that you blocked her on Facebook. Block her everywhere and go no contact. That’s the only way I got over my narcissistic ex. Now I’m in a relationship that’s 1 million times better. Better is out there but you have to cut your emotional ties with her!
I picture it like this. If you have tendrils of energy reaching out toward her, it’s going to prevent you from meeting somebody great.
I made a calendar and crossed off for every day I did not contact him. It was really really hard for about eight days and then it got easier. I gave myself a reward every five days I went NC.
We’ve been broken up 2.5 years and I STILL sometimes feel a strong urge to stalk his social media and see what’s going on with his new wife because I really want them to have problems! Which is so selfish because she’s a kind woman and she deserves better. But I distract myself by coming on Reddit or doing something else!
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_tJB3AbK2355YY
https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995
This book has been a blessing for me as someone who used to date a narcissist. This helped me in more ways than one. I’m consistently going back to this book to remind myself why I left in the first place and that it’ll get better.
$10.99 paperback on Amazon delivered in two days, or $9.99 Kindle version. Free Audible Audiobook with Audible trial.
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_T7AMzbST28YSN
Please please please go by this book “psychopath free”. It’s what enabled me to leave my narc abuser.
You are not the problem here. He is. That’s the definition of gaslighting. The narcissist makes you feel like you were crazy and everything is your fault.
This relationship will only get worse. That is a 100% GUARANTEE. For your sake and your baby you have to get out.
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_BSGzFb7HR0XCV
Yep!!! Sounds familiar!! I’m going through the exact same thing too right now with my breakup- wondering where the hell this other person came from etc etc , if you can speak to a therapist I would recommend it, it’s really helpful especially when dealing with breakups with (potential) narcissists. If not reading up is always great too. I couldn’t recommend the book below enough. I had no idea what I was experiencing/going through after the breakup and this book every page was like an oh my god moment. Very easy to grasp and read too. It really highlighted that the signs of this behaviour had been lingering for a long time but narcissists (in my case i don’t want to label your ex partner) are extremely good at hiding it/ manipulating you. I blamed myself for a long time for not seeing it and this book definitely helped me have some closure that I never got from him and our situation, as to how this person I was with for so long could just flip and be a whole other person. You don’t deserve any of this please remember that, and your not alone. Hope this helps!
Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and other Toxic People https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_MT306BDBM3Y27MJMSDRC?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Yep!!! Sounds familiar!! I’m going through the exact same thing too right now with my breakup- wondering where the hell this other person came from etc etc , if you can speak to a therapist I would recommend it, it’s really helpful especially when dealing with breakups with (potential) narcissists. If not reading up is always great too. I couldn’t recommend the book below enough. I had no idea what I was experiencing/going through after the breakup and this book every page was like an oh my god moment. Very easy to grasp and read too. It really highlighted that the signs of this behaviour had been lingering for a long time but narcissists (in my case i don’t want to label your ex partner) are extremely good at hiding it/ manipulating you. I blamed myself for a long time for not seeing it and this book definitely helped me have some closure that I never got from him and our situation, as to how this person I was with for so long could just flip and be a whole other person. You don’t deserve any of this please remember that, and your not alone. Hope this helps!
Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and other Toxic People https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_MT306BDBM3Y27MJMSDRC?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Oh my god. This is so much worse than I imagined. First of all you need to get it out of your head that this is poly. He was cheating on his pregnant fiancé with you, leading you on to think that you were the only woman in his life, and then manipulated her into accepting his infidelity and manipulated you into thinking that his deception was justified. This guy sounds like a narcissist/sociopath and you need to get the fuck out before you get in deeper. I hope his wife can get some help as well.
I'd recommend checking out this book to deprogram your mind from his manipulation. Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_KCSQQTADAV1SYCW4GQWX
Consider this book.
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_em_api_glt_fabc_V746FNP4QX1P86973G0Y?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_W9CH91RCZ042EPHVWWWX
I found that helpful.
People may not realize that Psychopath Free is a book by Jackson Mackenzie. Any one who's had a crazy person in their lives (everyone) should read that book to better identify crazy and how to handle it.
No. I got it at the library. But it would have been WELL worth the $8 to buy it on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488683667&sr=8-1&keywords=psychopath+free
Well...what you have described there is an abusive relationship. I know you don't believe it so its going to be a rough ride until to come to accept it. here's a good book you might consider reading:
Psychopath Free was extremely helpful in supporting my initial efforts to understand the abusive environment I was entwined with.
They also have a website with forums and additional resources, though the community is mostly female. However they do support a smaller male community/forum on the site as well. Check out those materials and they'll know whether or not they're in a pickle.
How do I stop? You leave this abusive relationship. If you need help understanding your situation please get this book. It may give you the push you need to leave. You are not responsible for his anger!!
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I don't remember. But check out this link. In the summary it includes the 30 red flags. And she was 23 of them!
https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995
you should read "psychopath free"
As a male survivor myself. If anyone knows someone going through the abuse or suffering to recover I cant recommend this book more. It saved my life.
An awesome interview with the author Jackson MacKenzie
Here is a link to it.
https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995
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hey ya! so sorry for replying incredibly late. I have been stuck trying to get out of the prison of my own making inside my mind!
Let me breakdown your response so I can better understand your situation. Since I am not an expert on the matter and am going through a ton of shit myself, please accept my apologies for misjudging the responses in anyway.
I think this is always going to be an insecurity of mine and I’ll always be paranoid that I’m as clueless as the narcissists in my life and just don’t see it, but I just realized that I didn’t just happen to catch myself in the projected image and immediately fall in love, it took my entire life of shame, manipulation, and stomping me into the ground, and one day, someone saw I didn’t love myself, couldn’t face that projection, and watched, and waited.
I think that we both have lived a similar life. I have a ton of insecurities as well. I have a narc mom and a selfish dad. the mother's overbearing nature and dad's no-fucks-given-about-the-kid attitude really left with nothing more than a hole in my heart for stability. I also moved around a lot for great education. This thankfully didn't let me take the toxic path and self-destruct myself more than I already do sometimes. I think that the insecurities will always be there. My paranoia and cluelessness became less and less with me learning more and more about who I was as a person. About what ticks me, what I like, what are my boundaries, how much more I can do and all that. It made me feel steady for the first time in my life. Found a few Redditors who absolutely helped me do that. I wish I can meet them someday and hug them for saving me when I couldn't save myself.
In the story of Narcissus......... he knows who he is, and his opinion of himself is the most important one to him.
The story really drafts a few good points. but the only thing I would disagree on is this:
Narcissus was demonized, Echo painted with the innocence stolen from him, and Narcissus doesn’t care anymore, because he’s free, he knows who he is, and his opinion of himself is the most important one to him.
innocence stolen from them? no way in hell were they ever nice people. I dont know what maketh a narcissist but it sure as hell aint all the sob stories they keep on painting. My narc told me so, so many stories which contradicted each other that I didn't know what to believe. pretty sure at least 70% of them were lies and 30% of the rest were customised for me. As an empath, things really hit home when a few of the things he said had happened to me too.
All the people are capable of is lies, manipulation, victim blaming, gaslighting and fake stories.
Thank you. This was so incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and supportive, and it’s inspiring to hear that people actually make it out of relationships that hurt instead of add to their lives.
I am glad that you felt better for a fleeting moment. There moments are the light at the end of the tunnel when everything seems to be lost and ending. I am still trying. I have been able to maintain NC for weeks now but every-time I wake up, I have to REMIND myself as to why I am punishing myself right now. because yes, it feels that way. Like a drug withdrawal.
When I was with him, it felt like nothing else would ever matter and he was the only person I will ever need for the rest of my life. But the truth was so nasty sometimes I was so scream in the void that my life has turned into. That he has turned it into.
I think you can do it too. If I could, trust me, ANYONE CAN!
Here are a few YouTube channels and books that helped me (are still helping me):
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Also, please remember that it will always be an ongoing healing journey. It's three steps forward and two back again. But at the end, what would really matter? YOU BEING FREE OR NOT?
Thank you and back atcha! My mom was a narc as well and I dated one. It is extremely isolating because people don’t believe that wonderful person they know would abuse and neglect their kids.
This booked helped me a ton
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_7DFKDYPWRP8HN7AD15N2
Also this one. Someone on the raised by narcissists sub told me about complex PTSD and it changed my life
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_E09ZG0NXEFX2CGTY9RC6
Psychopath Free is a good resource if you have the ability to purchase a book on the subject.
Also highly recommend Psycopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.
It helped me see what was happening when I couldn’t make sense of anything.
I know I usually shitpost, but that <em>was</em> traumatic. I’m sorry man. That sucks and it sucks you have to deal with it.
If you haven’t, Psychopath Free and Whole Again are great resources and I really wish more guys knew about this sort of stuff.
It sucks.
I can relate to some of this. I recently separated from my wife. I'm Canadian. She is American. Met her in Canada. When we married we had every intention of staying in Canada. All my family and kids are here. Her family is scattered around the US. Later she changed her mind and said she was moving back south. I thought, "I can't lose her" so I made a proposal to my work to work remotely 2 weeks out of every month in the south part of the US. Between flights and other costs I was spending about $1200 a month to see her. I started my residency application after a year and later put my house up for sale. It was never enough for her. She always questioned my commitment when I was the one making all the sacrifices and she was the one that broke her promise. I also had to get after her to complete her paperwork for the residency application.
Things eventually deteriorated because I woke up to the emotions abuse and constant gas lighting. The cycle of tearing me down and then being so nice and telling me she needed me was exhausting. Also came to have suspicions of inappropriate actions with her boss....although I couldn't never quite get concrete evidence. We broke up on July 20. By noon on July 22 (my birthday) she had a lawyer drawn up separation agreement ready. I don’t know about you but it seems really sketchy that she had that done in under 2 days. I'm pretty sure she planned it all. In addition she had to sign off dower rights for my house sale to go through. I couldn't stop the sale when we split) Trouble is she wouldn't sign it until I had a court approved separation agreement done. The possession date for the date of my house was only week weeks away. How do you get a court date that quick operation from a different country? Somehow I got it done in time. She would have let the sale default had I not managed that. After that, she then threw out all my clothes and possessions that I had brought done there including my road bike.
A lot has happened since then to get me back on my feet. Bought a new place that I am building. I went and saw a therapist to help understand things. I do understand my ex much better now. She had horrible abuse in her past from a former BF. He should be in jail now. What I figured out now is that she is incapable of trust. It was there throughout our relationship and especially in the end. The therapist told me that t is quite common for people that have gone through severe abuse to pick up some of the same tactics that were used against them. It really explains a lot of her actions over the course of our relationship.
We were together for 5 years total and I feel like the bottom has been dropped out of my life. Its hard to rebuild again but I am….slowly. I’m reading a lot of books to help understand both her and me. I wasn’t perfect in this relationship by any means.
One last thing for OP. You stated that you could remain friends but I caution you against that. There seems like there was a great deal of manipulation going on that I don’t think it is in your best interest.
Books you may want to consider reading:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship Paperback – Jul 1 1997
by Mira Kirshenbaum (Author)
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – Mar 18 2002
by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) This one gets a bit preachy but has some great stuff in it.
MacKenzie, Jackson
Good Luck OP.
Try to get your hands on a copy of Psychopath Free. This book was my salvation more than any other, including speaking with a therapist (many of whom do not possess expertiese in the damage that Cluster B disordered people perpetrate, and some/most are on the bandwagon of normalizing/excusing pwBPD, and the promoting the myth that they can "recover"). This book provided as a tour guide to exactly what happened to me, blow by blow, stage by stage. The "whys" of it all, both of the targets as well as the pwBPD and other personality disorders.
Amazon has this: https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995
This is a fantastic book anybody that is or was ion a relationship with a hard core narcissist should read. Actually, everyone should,
She's cheated on you but you watching porn 3 times is the problem?
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And she killed your dog? WTF Leave her now.
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I suggest reading this book. It might save you from this marriage and help you to not repeat your mistakes.
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Seriously...its cheap...READ IT.
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I recommend Psychopath Free. It's a very good book for dealing with toxic people and can be applied to BPDs as well.
This isn't for everyone, but Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie was really valuable to me. If you were in an abusive relationship I highly recommend it - a lot of the pseudo-clinical stuff is to be taken with a grain of salt, as it is largely anecdotal. Additionally, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
There’s an adequate textbook for the class.