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Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free?
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That's the lie of the TLW movement: that once you're married, all the body shaming, the whole "sex = chewed up piece of gum" horribleness, will just fly out the window on your wedding night and you'll have the most wonderful sex ever. As if people can just shed all that psychological baggage in the blink of an eye.
Personally (and thankfully) I was spared all of that. I had heard of purity rings (and that was only well after leaving Christianity) but I really didn't learn of the true awfulness of the purity movement until I read Linda Kay Klein's Pure book. Holy Toledo!
I've heard really good things about the book Pure, by Linda Kay Klein (here's the Amazon link). If money is a concern, see if your local library has it.
I 100% feel for you, I was raised with the same purity beliefs. To this day it impacts my (married) sex life, but I'm actively working through it with a professional. Highly suggest that or a therapist when you're in the financial position. Until then, there are lots of great books and so many other women who can offer you moral support. You're not alone, you're not broken, you can heal and have a healthy, happy sex life! Check out @erica.smith.sex.ed on instagram, she's the sex educator I'm working with, and she has several highlights about purity culture and recovery from it. Education and community will get you a long way until you can work with a sex-positive therapist.
Holy passive aggressive slut shaming. Gross, gross, gross.
Don't put up with this, please. Loving your family doesn't mean you have to expose yourself to this toxic garbage.
Set some boundaries, talk to your s/o about what that will mean interacting with your family in the future, let your s/o help you stick with those boundaries. Perhaps you can tell her that you aren't hiding anything, that your personal life is personal, that you are happy; that you had tried to honestly connect with her as she enters this new stage of her life; that you are deeply disappointed and saddened that she thinks so little of you and can treat you with so little respect; and that you wish her well, but will not every accept such abusive stuff from her again.
I, personally, would be extremely uncomfortable participating as MOH for such a person. I do not envy you having to figure that out.
Give her a copy of Linda Kay Klein's Pure as a wedding gift.
I really do feel for them on their wedding nights. From virginal property of their father to sexually free joyfully available property of their husband in a matter of hours. If we start a book club, we should add the book ‘Pure’ to the list. Link: https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811 It’s written by an ex-fundie woman and focuses on her experience/research of purity culture and the trauma it causes women. I need a tell-all of uncensored wedding night & the real details of the sexual dysfunction that MUST be going on.
If you are woman I might recommend Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free
Not really about the CoC more about mainstream evangelical purity culture but it’s helped me and some others that grew up with toxic views around women’s sexuality.
I loved the book Pure by Linda Kay Klein. It helped me see a bit more of how damaging the system was that I was raised in.
I’m so sorry you were lied to like this. I’m glad you’re getting treatment. My SO and I haven’t had vaginal sex for the purpose of birth control, and honestly I’m a little nervous about trying now that I’m on regular people birth control. We have a toy I’ve practiced with, but it hasn’t been too successful so far. I think it’s nerves, but I’m definitely worried about vaginismis (even though i use a menstrual cup). I’m pretty happy with our sex life the way it is, but it’s frustrating that I’m so anxious about opening all avenues.
The churches i grew up in definitely failed in sex education in every way. In college, i had to explain to multiple women that pulling out doesn’t work, they could still get pregnant in their periods, and even how to use a tampon. I went to a conservative baptist college, and they put immense pressure on people to get married ASAP. You can’t go off campus together unless you’re married. You can’t go anywhere in private without being married. You weren’t allowed to touch each other in any way. Men couldn’t get ordained in the pastoral major unless they were married. You can imagine the numbers of students getting married during their undergrad or immediately after.
I know so many who ended up accidentally pregnant or had very upsetting experiences with sex when they got married so early in college.
The idea that sex magically works in marriage after remaining celibate (especially with the huge pressure to refrain from masturbation) is so unhealthy. The idea that sex is JUST missionary penetration is also so hurtful. It’s so very obvious that conservative christianity is inundated with powerful men and has a severe lack of female representation.
Good luck, fren.
Congrats on de-constructing toxic religion. Purity culture placed an irrational burden of shame on a so, so many of us. It's hard work to throw it off, but life is so much better free of it. And re: shame about late-blooming -recognize that shame response as part of the purity culture you were taught. There is no moral failing in learning and enjoying now your body and sexuality. And there is no failure on your part for having been indoctrinated. How and when you explore your sexuality is entirely your own personal business, no one gets to shame you for that.
As I've gone through a religious deconstruction, this Maya Angelou quote has been a bit of a mantra and reassurance: Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
Check out Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein (Link is to Amazon for info, but check your local book seller or library; also the audio book is read by the author and is quite good.)
I heard an interesting interview some months ago with the author of this book about growing up in a purity culture and its effects on women. What struck me is how there are so many women my age who married someone they love dearly, but have terrible sex lives from never being able to get over years of indoctrination about being pure. We're just really not designed to be told having sex is evil for years and then flip a switch so it's magically ok.
You may want to educate yourself a bit more about purity culture. It's far beyond the simple idea of reserving sex till marriage. That bit is pretty straight forward. When people talk about purity culture, the emphasis is on the culture aspect. The real life consequences coming from certain attitudes about sex, the ways shame is used by others and oneself, the ideas about purity itself and the value of sex, how women are valued, lies and myths about sex, and much more.
There's a lot of info/resources out there about people recovering from the pains this has caused. I'd recommend the book, Pure by Linda Kay Klein.
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811
Is it hard to even have sex without talking about it? What if you want something different than you're getting?
Off topic, but I have a book recommendation for you.
You’re in a tough spot. I grew up with the evangelical purity movement and, even as rebellious as I was, it was hard to shake off. I fully did, however, a couple of my friends couldn’t get past it. It still colors their world in our 50’s.
There’s a book that might possibly provide a little more insight into what your wife and too many others have felt. If you haven’t seen it already check-out Pure by Linda Kay Klein .
Best of luck to you both whether you stay together or not.
I think you’re in a rough spot. Don’t know that I’d agree your husband is a sex addict so much as horny, curious and afraid of anyone learning he isn’t perfect. That doesn’t mean he isn’t cheating, and technically anything a person has to do in secret without telling their partner can be considered breaking trust.
There is a book you will either love or hate that might be of interest to you? If you hate the idea of it, no worries either! [Pure](https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811/ref=nodl_
I’m not sure if this is helpful but there was a book that helped a lot of my friends figure their bodies out. There was a big grey area around sex because of purity culture so I blame that big time. The book is Pure by Linda Kay Klein, she talked a lot about vaginismus. link here
So incredibly frustrating when your body revolts against you.
I (24F) definitely understand where she is coming from. I am still a virgin myself at 24 due to religious reasons, but I have been able to reshape my view of sex over time and my sex drive is no longer something that fuels my anxiety and drives me into depression. I had a similar experience growing up and shamed myself in college after every sexual encounter. This way of thinking is not healthy and my religious conditioning harmed me more than it ever helped me in that aspect. I am still a Christian, was able to maintain my faith and I feel like my relationship with Christ is stronger and healthier than it has ever been. It feels raw and honest instead of performative and forced. It feels good to finally be able to date with a healthy mindset. There are many of us out there who have been through this and honestly it is going to take a lot of reading, unpacking, and therapy to repair her mental state. There are plenty of resources out there. Here is a good book to get you guys started if you are interested.
Feel free to message me if you have any questions.
Was she raised in a conservative religious family/church/community? Those "Purity" messages can really screw people up. Pregnancy phobia -even when the person knows better - is a thing that happens sometimes.
I recommend you spend some time watching Sexplanations together and get PURE by Linda Kay Klein and read or listen to it together (the audio book is great, and may be available through your library).
> stolen from me by my ex boyfriend.
Stolen? Did he rape you? Force you to have sex? Or did you actually consent to having sex at the time? Cuz if you willingly consented to have sex, then nothing was actually stolen. I respect your decision to be celibate until marriage but my heart breaks if you really feel this way. Purity Culture has a way of shaming women especially for being sexual at all and it makes me very sad. I respect your choice, but place try not to feel worthless because you have had sex, because you are not worthless whether or not you have sex.
I will list some resources to help with alleviating the shame that come from Purity Culture. I respect your choice, I just hope it is for the right reasons for you, not the right choice for those that would judge you.
https://theconsentworkshop.com/how-purity-culture-enables-rape-culture
https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/dangers-purity-culture
https://www.abc.net.au/life/how-purity-culture-can-affect-sex-life/12426254
https://baylorlariat.com/2018/11/01/purity-culture-breeds-harmful-ideologies/
https://www.11thprincipleconsent.org/consent-propaganda/toxic-purity-culture-pyramid/
https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=ur
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/pa98x8/purity-culture-linday-kay-klein-pure-review
A Christian Heretic Talks Purity Culture: ScienceSideUp: https://youtu.be/HQGM3Nn_dCM
Perspective on Purity Culture - Trauma, Rape Culture, Shame and Guilt: https://youtu.be/49k3qnh8PWY
Why purity culture does not work: https://youtu.be/Pxzh2b-z9cs
What No One is Saying About Purity Culture | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/ktpQVf5WmF4
A Dangerous Myth - "Soul Ties"...Are They Real? (Purity Culture: https://youtu.be/aVVlvnK-dgs
I Hate Purity Culture! Instead: 8 Principles of Sexual Integrity | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/yXbz4ZuH6WM
How I recovered from sexual shame of Christian purity culture: https://youtu.be/iqJtD-QWgfs
Purity Culture, Sexual Shame + Breaking Free Together with Linda Kay Klein: https://youtu.be/fA6T_dD06D8
Detoxing from Sexual Shame: Adult Manifestations of Purity Culture on FEMINISM FRIDAY: https://youtu.be/Xe0rx98dTjA
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811
https://lindakayklein.com/pure/
https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/pure-linda-kay-klein-review-a-metaphor-for-the-metoo-era.html
https://eewc.com/pure-inside-the-evangelical-movement-that-shattered-a-generation-of-young-women/
https://prospect.org/culture/purity-culture-rape-culture/
http://www.ourstoriesuntold.com/what-rape-culture-and-modesty-culture-have-in-common/
I'll just encourage you to give yourself time and recognize that this might be something like a grief process. It is exciting and amazing to suddenly see so much of the world and people more complexly. But there is real loss associate with leaving the religion of your youth. Be kind to yourself.
Some resources that really helped me:
podcasts: Life After God; Voices of Deconversion
youtube: CrashCourse Big History and World Mythology; Pale Blue Dot and Humanity (short speeches by Carl Sagan)
blogs: cstroop
books: Pure; Jesus Interrupted (or really anything of Ehrman's) (these are Amazon links, but local libraries are a great option)
If you want to stay a virgin and or celibate, then that is your choice and should be respected. I am sorry that Purity Culture has made you feel like a slut, you are not a slut in the slightest. Purity Culture causes women to not trust themselves and their feelings and forces women to feel worthless for having sex or a sexuality at all. I have linked many articles and videos that go into the harms even more than I can, some of the stories that are shared are very heart-breaking. Any women out there reading this, I just want you to now that you are not worthless if you have sex or have had sex and you absolutely have value, you having sex has and will never change that.
https://theconsentworkshop.com/how-purity-culture-enables-rape-culture
https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/dangers-purity-culture
https://www.abc.net.au/life/how-purity-culture-can-affect-sex-life/12426254
https://baylorlariat.com/2018/11/01/purity-culture-breeds-harmful-ideologies/
https://www.11thprincipleconsent.org/consent-propaganda/toxic-purity-culture-pyramid/
https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=ur
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/pa98x8/purity-culture-linday-kay-klein-pure-review
A Christian Heretic Talks Purity Culture: ScienceSideUp: https://youtu.be/HQGM3Nn_dCM
Perspective on Purity Culture - Trauma, Rape Culture, Shame and Guilt: https://youtu.be/49k3qnh8PWY
Why purity culture does not work: https://youtu.be/Pxzh2b-z9cs
What No One is Saying About Purity Culture | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/ktpQVf5WmF4
A Dangerous Myth - "Soul Ties"...Are They Real? (Purity Culture: https://youtu.be/aVVlvnK-dgs
I Hate Purity Culture! Instead: 8 Principles of Sexual Integrity | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/yXbz4ZuH6WM
How I recovered from sexual shame of Christian purity culture: https://youtu.be/iqJtD-QWgfs
Purity Culture, Sexual Shame + Breaking Free Together with Linda Kay Klein: https://youtu.be/fA6T_dD06D8
Detoxing from Sexual Shame: Adult Manifestations of Purity Culture on FEMINISM FRIDAY: https://youtu.be/Xe0rx98dTjA
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811
https://lindakayklein.com/pure/
https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/pure-linda-kay-klein-review-a-metaphor-for-the-metoo-era.html
https://eewc.com/pure-inside-the-evangelical-movement-that-shattered-a-generation-of-young-women/
https://prospect.org/culture/purity-culture-rape-culture/
http://www.ourstoriesuntold.com/what-rape-culture-and-modesty-culture-have-in-common/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toxic-masculinity
And in case you are wondering, "<strong><em>r/Christianity</em></strong> is a subreddit to discuss Christianity and aspects of Christian life. All are welcome to participate.". I fit into the all, therefore I can be on this sub because this sub is about Christianity, not for Christians only.
PART 2 of 2:
ON "so-called Progressive Christianity",
or ON Sex, Sexuality, Women, Purity Culture, Rape Culture, and Toxic Masculinity
If you want to stay a virgin and or celibate, then that is your choice and should be respected. Purity Culture causes women to not trust themselves and their feelings and forces women to feel worthless for having sex or a sexuality at all. I have linked many articles and videos that go into the harms even more than I can, some of the stories that are shared are very heart-breaking. Any women out there reading this, I just want you to now that you are not worthless if you have sex or have had sex and you absolutely have value, you having sex has and will never change that.
https://theconsentworkshop.com/how-purity-culture-enables-rape-culture
https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/dangers-purity-culture
https://www.abc.net.au/life/how-purity-culture-can-affect-sex-life/12426254
https://baylorlariat.com/2018/11/01/purity-culture-breeds-harmful-ideologies/
https://www.11thprincipleconsent.org/consent-propaganda/toxic-purity-culture-pyramid/
https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=ur
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/pa98x8/purity-culture-linday-kay-klein-pure-review
A Christian Heretic Talks Purity Culture: ScienceSideUp: https://youtu.be/HQGM3Nn_dCM
Perspective on Purity Culture - Trauma, Rape Culture, Shame and Guilt: https://youtu.be/49k3qnh8PWY
Why purity culture does not work: https://youtu.be/Pxzh2b-z9cs
What No One is Saying About Purity Culture | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/ktpQVf5WmF4
A Dangerous Myth - "Soul Ties"...Are They Real? (Purity Culture: https://youtu.be/aVVlvnK-dgs
I Hate Purity Culture! Instead: 8 Principles of Sexual Integrity | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/yXbz4ZuH6WM
How I recovered from sexual shame of Christian purity culture: https://youtu.be/iqJtD-QWgfs
Purity Culture, Sexual Shame + Breaking Free Together with Linda Kay Klein: https://youtu.be/fA6T_dD06D8
Detoxing from Sexual Shame: Adult Manifestations of Purity Culture on FEMINISM FRIDAY: https://youtu.be/Xe0rx98dTjA
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811
https://lindakayklein.com/pure/
https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/pure-linda-kay-klein-review-a-metaphor-for-the-metoo-era.html
https://eewc.com/pure-inside-the-evangelical-movement-that-shattered-a-generation-of-young-women/
https://prospect.org/culture/purity-culture-rape-culture/
http://www.ourstoriesuntold.com/what-rape-culture-and-modesty-culture-have-in-common/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toxic-masculinity
And in case you are wondering, "<strong><em>r/Christianity</em></strong> is a subreddit to discuss Christianity and aspects of Christian life. All are welcome to participate.". I fit into the all, therefore I can be on this sub because this sub is about Christianity, not for Christians only.
PART 2 of 2:
ON "so-called Progressive Christianity",
or ON Sex, Sexuality, Women, Purity Culture, Rape Culture, and Toxic Masculinity
If you want to stay a virgin and or celibate, then that is your choice and should be respected. Purity Culture causes women to not trust themselves and their feelings and forces women to feel worthless for having sex or a sexuality at all. I have linked many articles and videos that go into the harms even more than I can, some of the stories that are shared are very heart-breaking. Any women out there reading this, I just want you to now that you are not worthless if you have sex or have had sex and you absolutely have value, you having sex has and will never change that.
https://theconsentworkshop.com/how-purity-culture-enables-rape-culture
https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/dangers-purity-culture
https://www.abc.net.au/life/how-purity-culture-can-affect-sex-life/12426254
https://baylorlariat.com/2018/11/01/purity-culture-breeds-harmful-ideologies/
https://www.11thprincipleconsent.org/consent-propaganda/toxic-purity-culture-pyramid/
https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=ur
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/pa98x8/purity-culture-linday-kay-klein-pure-review
A Christian Heretic Talks Purity Culture: ScienceSideUp: https://youtu.be/HQGM3Nn_dCM
Perspective on Purity Culture - Trauma, Rape Culture, Shame and Guilt: https://youtu.be/49k3qnh8PWY
Why purity culture does not work: https://youtu.be/Pxzh2b-z9cs
What No One is Saying About Purity Culture | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/ktpQVf5WmF4
A Dangerous Myth - "Soul Ties"...Are They Real? (Purity Culture: https://youtu.be/aVVlvnK-dgs
I Hate Purity Culture! Instead: 8 Principles of Sexual Integrity | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/yXbz4ZuH6WM
How I recovered from sexual shame of Christian purity culture: https://youtu.be/iqJtD-QWgfs
Purity Culture, Sexual Shame + Breaking Free Together with Linda Kay Klein: https://youtu.be/fA6T_dD06D8
Detoxing from Sexual Shame: Adult Manifestations of Purity Culture on FEMINISM FRIDAY: https://youtu.be/Xe0rx98dTjA
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811
https://lindakayklein.com/pure/
https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/pure-linda-kay-klein-review-a-metaphor-for-the-metoo-era.html
https://eewc.com/pure-inside-the-evangelical-movement-that-shattered-a-generation-of-young-women/
https://prospect.org/culture/purity-culture-rape-culture/
http://www.ourstoriesuntold.com/what-rape-culture-and-modesty-culture-have-in-common/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toxic-masculinity
And in case you are wondering, "<strong><em>r/Christianity</em></strong> is a subreddit to discuss Christianity and aspects of Christian life. All are welcome to participate.". I fit into the all, therefore I can be on this sub because this sub is about Christianity, not for Christians only.
I 100% respect your choice to be celibate from now on until you are married, I am not here to convince you to not do that. I am here to help you recognize that maybe you feel the way you do about virgin men and or Christian men that are now choosing to be celibate but are not virgins because of the harms of Purity Culture in Christianity and society. Purity Culture causes women to not trust themselves and their feelings and forces women to feel worthless for having sex or a sexuality at all. I have linked many articles and videos that go into the harms even more than I can, some of the stories that are shared are very heart-breaking. Please know that I 100% support you making the choice to stay celibate, if that is your boundary then it should be respected by others. I just want you to now that you are not worthless and you absolutely have value, you having sex has and will never change that. Please take care, be kind to yourself and find a partner that will also be kind to you and not hold your past over your head. You deserve better, you deserve the whole world. Blessed be, friend.
https://theconsentworkshop.com/how-purity-culture-enables-rape-culture
https://www.cbeinternational.org/resource/article/mutuality-blog-magazine/dangers-purity-culture
https://www.abc.net.au/life/how-purity-culture-can-affect-sex-life/12426254
https://baylorlariat.com/2018/11/01/purity-culture-breeds-harmful-ideologies/
https://www.11thprincipleconsent.org/consent-propaganda/toxic-purity-culture-pyramid/
https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=ur
https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/pa98x8/purity-culture-linday-kay-klein-pure-review
A Christian Heretic Talks Purity Culture: ScienceSideUp: https://youtu.be/HQGM3Nn_dCM
Perspective on Purity Culture - Trauma, Rape Culture, Shame and Guilt: https://youtu.be/49k3qnh8PWY
Why purity culture does not work: https://youtu.be/Pxzh2b-z9cs
What No One is Saying About Purity Culture | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/ktpQVf5WmF4
A Dangerous Myth - "Soul Ties"...Are They Real? (Purity Culture: https://youtu.be/aVVlvnK-dgs
I Hate Purity Culture! Instead: 8 Principles of Sexual Integrity | God is Grey: https://youtu.be/yXbz4ZuH6WM
How I recovered from sexual shame of Christian purity culture: https://youtu.be/iqJtD-QWgfs
Purity Culture, Sexual Shame + Breaking Free Together with Linda Kay Klein: https://youtu.be/fA6T_dD06D8
The long term impact of Sexual Shame and Purity Culture on marriage with The Love Hour Podcast!: https://youtu.be/5SDk9kJ7hZk
Detoxing from Sexual Shame: Adult Manifestations of Purity Culture on FEMINISM FRIDAY: https://youtu.be/Xe0rx98dTjA
https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811
https://lindakayklein.com/pure/
https://www.thecut.com/2018/09/pure-linda-kay-klein-review-a-metaphor-for-the-metoo-era.html
https://eewc.com/pure-inside-the-evangelical-movement-that-shattered-a-generation-of-young-women/
https://prospect.org/culture/purity-culture-rape-culture/
http://www.ourstoriesuntold.com/what-rape-culture-and-modesty-culture-have-in-common/
Paranoid. But it's understandable.
Maybe it would help to talk about and make a plan for the remote possibility that conception occurred. How and when would you test? What do you /does he think of parenthood? Is abortion an option? How /where could you access abortion in your location? Etc... Having a plan for the worst case scenario, even if it's extremely unlikely that it will occur given the care you are taking, may make you feel more in control.
Was the sex shaming part of Christian Purity Culture? You might find some insight and healing in Pure by Linda Kay Klien (I found it at my local library, the audio book is very good, too.), or https://noshamemovement.com
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This book may help you start on your journey. It's about others who went through the same thing.
Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free
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