I completely agree @shoescrip. Came here to say this. 4 year olds don't need homework. Period. And especially if it's stressing everyone out. And if it is just reading together (for exposure, some kids just aren't ready to read themselves at 4, and that's perfectly normal! - but being exposed to language is helpful) maybe one of those individual trampolines, your kiddo can bounce while listening to a story.
Also wanted to mention a book that helped me tremendously when my twin girls were three (that was our tough year - even the pediatrician said "wow, this has been a rough year for you guys... " 🤣).
Raising Your Spirited Child:
It by no means "fixed" everything but it really did help me change perspective and how I approached things. My girls are 15 now and I still utilize the thought patterns (for myself as well as them!).
Boundary-wise, I would just say that it sucks to be the bad guy but part of the whole reason that kids push boundaries is to find them. If you feel comfortable with the boundaries you’re setting to keep her safe and civil, who cares what others say? But if that spirited streak is pushing a boundary that is there for her safety (seat belts) or other kids’ ability to learn or be safe, etc. then it’s going to be important to hold the line. I guess what I mean is, yes, the boundary-pushing is probably a phase. But that doesn’t mean the boundaries shouldn’t be held. It’s not “she is freaking out about boundaries so we will be super lenient to avoid freak outs til she exits this phase.” It’s “she is freaking out because she is testing where the boundaries are and learning what it’s like to hear the word No, an important emotional-processing skill that I am giving her the chance to practice within the safety of our relationship.”
That said, if you feel your child is extra intense/stubborn/sensitive/emotional, you should read Raising Your Spirited Child. Some kids are just more than others: feel more then others, are more extra than others. Discipline and boundaries might feel/work differently for each kid/family.
Mine is just 2 but yes - our days are pretty much exactly like this except with less verbal negotiation from her and more tantrums I'm constantly trying to avoid. I feel like I recommend this book all the time but Raising Your Spirited Child has been super helpful for us in learning how to help her manage her intensity and get her to cooperate when we need it most.
Also, I would say just making sure that you are getting your needs met somehow - taking time for yourself throughout the day to recharge is super important. Sounds like you are with him all day - is his other parent around so that you can get a break at the end of the day? Even 15 minutes can be so helpful. Be sure to get a sitter from time to time and go do adult things. Since I started taking my own needs into account and giving them some priority, I feel I have been a much better mom.
She sounds exactly like our (almost 2yo) daughter. I could have written this myself. Something that has really helped me understand and help her manage her intense personality is the book Raising Your Spirited Child . Lots of good advice that has actually helped me understand myself a lot better as well.
Have you read "Raising Your Spirited Child"? It's really helped with my daughter (who is DEFINITELY spirited) and also given me some insight into my own wiring. Your son might not fit (I don't know him of course), but the easily distractible and challenge with transitions rang a bell ....
You have to find a way to get yourselves on the same team. Try to stop seeing her as the enemy and work with her instead. Dr. Laura Markham (www.ahaparenting.com) is my favorite parenting resource and has SO MANY good tips and tricks on what she calls "peaceful parenting" that have been immensely helpful in getting my toddler to cooperate. We barely have battles over anything these days.
Edit: you mention that she is feisty - mine is too. I found a great book on spirited children that has really helped me manage my incredibly intense little lady: Raising Your Spirited Child.
Seconding Dr. Laura Markham (www.ahaparenting.com) - she has taught me so much. She has useful email newsletters, a great blog, and a wonderful book I'd definitely recommend purchasing.
Also, Dr. Sears The Baby Book had a ton of great developmental info and was a hugely valuable resource to me especially during the first year.
I have also been reading this book about raising spirited children that has been extremely valuable to me as I have one of those intense little munchkins.
You’re welcome!
You got this. I think the books will help a lot. A therapist can help but I know that it’s tough to find a good one. The therapist is mostly to support you as parents and help you parent your child through all of this.
Our son has really come a long way and we have all learned so much. It’s been great. He’s a sensitive person and that makes him special.
Have you read THE BOOK? I’m almost done listening to the audio version and it’s amazing how well everything fits together and how effective the recommendations are.
As for your concern about labels, they’re just that. Not dismissing their importance—on the contrary, they’re powerful and sticky—but they can, and should, be changed. You and those others you talk about will see your child in a new light with this one simple trick 🤪
I have not read it myself, but I have seen this book recommended to parents before:
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060739665