This reminds me so much of the book “Runaway Husbands”. You may find it helpful. There is also a Facebook community for women going through these kinds of horrible, blindsiding, abrupt “discard” scenarios.
I am so incredibly sorry. My heart goes out to you tenfold on this. I went through something similar with my very longtime ex boyfriend during the GFC around 2010/2011. He completely changed overnight. Despised me. Was leading a double life. Found a magazine piece torn off in his office where he scribbled on it “RIP (his initials). That was your old life.”
It was horrific for me. We’d been together 12 years since I was 18 years old. He was always 10 years older and was right at 40/41 at that time and all of the classic MLC behavior. He did end up leaving me. He went through a bad relationship he left me for and then later ended up meeting the “most wonderful woman he’d ever met” in his words who he’s still with.
Ultimately, it ended up being a blessing that he left because in retrospect he wasn’t right for me at all in many ways and I met someone 2 years later that was everything I could’ve ever dreamed of and more. We’re sadly no longer together, but at least I could find out that my first ex was not the one, and it turns out I wasn’t the one for him.
Maybe you should let this one go, and find one that’s truly head over heels about you. Men tend to go off the deep end when they feel like they’ve financially failed in life. Once they start directing that rage and self-hatred at you, it’s another story.
If he’s still having that affair, show him the door. He can have her. If the shoe was on the other foot, would he be waiting for you?
Hugest hugs right now.
A book that really helped me was Runaway Husbands and The Journey from Abandonment to Healing.
Oh, honey. I know how you feel. The same thing happened to me this past summer and I'm about the same age as you. All I can say is that the pain is unbearable right now but it gets easier as time goes on. It really was helpful for me to read all I could about affairs, especially ones that start as emotional affairs and develop into physical affairs. I have found the book Runaway Husbands especially helpful during this time, as well as this podcast on limerence.
And it really comes down to it not being about you. Of course, no one is a perfect partner. But this isn't about you--it's about him. His issues. His getting too close to someone else and not protecting your marriage. His not coming to you with any unhappiness (if there was truly unhappiness and he's not just using it as a justification for his affair).
Now is the time to surround yourself with friends and family who love you. You may be surprised at the sources of support you receive during this time. Start focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself, make sure you eat, etc. Start working on your PIES (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual)--although it may seem impossible to do right now, trust me, it really, really helps. For example, I got balayage for my hair, I've picked up rock climbing, I go to a weekly Bible study, etc. Nothing 'takes away' the pain, but focusing on yourself can help you feel stronger.
As for the future? I worry about not being able to trust again as well. But I've come down to the realization that, while I may not trust 100% again, I don't want to live the kind of life where I don't trust at all. I will be cautious with my heart in the future, but I have to believe that there are people out there who will not do this. It's a work in progress, and while I definitely understand that thought running around in your head at this point, it's okay to not have the answers right now. You are going through an experience that is very traumatic, especially as it came with little to no warning for you.