What is Reddit's opinion of Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual?

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ESH - I understand where you are coming from, but I think your wife has associated the pain of her cancer with sex. This can be repaired, but she has to be willing to work with you on it and you have to be incredibly patient. There is a book called Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy amazon link. I highly recommend she finds a therapist she is comfortable with that believes in this book and its philosophy. It is all about reconditioning how she thinks about sex. It is extremely helpful for people who have negative associations with sex work through the thoughts and feelings of pain and anxiety to rebuild how they think about sex. Basically, it reduces it to something so clinical to remove the anxiety she could be feeling. I can't see your marriage really being able to withstand being open. You need to try to support her the best that you can, but she needs to show that she is at least trying to meet you in the middle and work on your relationship. You can't force her to participate, but if she isn't willing to try then your relationship may already be over.

For me and my husband, we've done several different things. In addition to doing dilators on my own, I went to physical therapy for vaginismus which was very validating and supportive. I've since finished that, but found that I've developed a mild phobia or aversion to sexual touch (I think because I associated it with pain or personal failure). So we've been in couples therapy for a little while now, which has been great to improve communication and process resentment that's popped up from the vaginismus. Our couples therapist is also certified in sex therapy. We've now moved on from "regular" couples therapy to the sex therapy portion where we're doing what's called Sensate Focus. This has been super helpful because it's a program where at home you practice with your partner several times a week learning to relax and get desensitized to touch, but it happens in a gradual way and can eventually lead up to desensitizing to PIV insertion. I've been on the vaginismus journey for two years now and I feel like Sensate Focus has been the most helpful thing. Like you, I felt like my dilator work wasn't translating to being with my partner. Here's a link to a book that I read on Sensate Focus: https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Therapy-Linda-Weiner/dp/1138642363/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=sensate+focus+in+sex+therapy&qid=1599451044&sprefix=Sensate+&sr=8-3

The book is written more for therapists than for women experiencing vaginismus, so if you're interested in Sensate Focus I'd recommend searching for a therapist who provides it. Even though we still have a few phases left of Sensate Focus to do, I feel very hopeful that we're going to get there. And I think my husband has enjoyed being able to play a bigger role in helping to make progress.

I hope this is a helpful perspective for you and I wish you luck on your journey!

I'm in a similar situation, specifically with my wife and I not feeling comfortable getting back into physical intimacy. We're reading through and working on the recommendations of a sensate focus book:

https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Therapy-Linda-Weiner/dp/1138642363#ace-g7448806443

It's written for therapists and for clients, so it's a little technical but not unreadable. All of the illustrations are black & white drawings, so nothing that could be construed as porn. There are still naked people touching eachother, but it's tasteful.

The structure of sensate focus puts each of you in the mindset of touching the other for your own enjoyment and focus. She gets to lead without any pressure to do something she doesn't want to do. Hopefully this builds the familiarity and confidence you both need to move on to more intimate activities without awkwardness.

My wife and I are still working through things, but this book has helped to break the ice.

Hey there,

this can happen to anyone. No need to be too harsh to yourself. Please don't force yourself to do things that feels bad. This can backfire dramatically!

Sensate Focus can help to become physically close again. It starts really slow and there is a sex ban, that is really important. It's like mindfulness + meditation for and with your body and the body of your boyfriend.

I really loved this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Therapy-Linda-Weiner/dp/1138642363/

I heard that this app has the same theory behind it: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=io.blueheart.blueheart

Even if you two stop with step 1 or 2 you'll feel more connected. I repeat yourself: Even if you feel slightly aroused after beginning with Sensate Focus enfore the sex ban for X weeks! ;-)

If you one day (progress slowly!) you go to step 3 or 4 and your boyfriend touches your private parts or wants to penetrate you, please cover the basics:

• Let him focus on your clit (outside) and not your birth canal (vagina).
• Don't rush.
• Focus on what your hands, mouth and skin feels. Stay mindful.
• Use plenty of lube as circumcised penises and condoms can hurt! :-)

Kind regards

Have you looked into Amazon.com: Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy?

Hi. Cis hetro allosexual here, dating a touch-averse, sex-repulsed, heteroromantic ace in an LDR.

Ironically, I've just come from a "dead bedroom" marriage, so I can give you two different perspectives on this question.

The first issue is being allosexual in what became a non-sexual relationship was very painful for me. I would attempt to initiate sex, and be rejected; due to my lack of self-esteem, I took this as a rejection of me rather than as a rejection o*f the a*ct. Thoughts ran through my head like "This is somebody who knows everything about me, and if she doesn't think I am attractive, I must be unattractive." This caused a major depression, which led to my emotional withdrawal from the relationship, which furthered the distance between my wife and I, until it became untenable.

I made the decision late last year to separate and begin divorce proceedings, and have since started my allo-ace relationship.

My ace partner and I are looking at our relationship as a chance to learn, grow, and heal. She and I are well aware that this looms as a potential issue in our relationship, if we ever close the distance.

For me, it helps to understand her touch aversion and sex repulsion: I can understand that, for her, rejection would be a rejection of the act and not a rejection of me. I understand the childhood trauma that led to her situation, and understand exactly how much trust she is putting in me, to even consider this relationship.

For her, it helps to understand that I'm a sexual person and I will not commit to sexual monogamy if that means committing to celibacy - but also, that I don't expect her to have intercourse with me. We can do things that are sexually fulfilling to me without having to have intercourse.

I've been doing a fair amount of reading to see what I can do, if anything, to help her with the specific issues she's reported, of touch aversion, sexual repulsion, and zero libido.

For touch aversion, there is Sensate Focus Touch, which you can read more about in Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual. The basic premise is to cultivate a space to explore safe touch in a nonsexual way.

Sensate Focus Touch can also help to overcome sex repulsion. For my partner, specifically, I have some hopes that she may, in time, be able to heal from her childhood trauma. If our relationship can create a sufficiently safe space for her, she may find that she is demisexual rather than straight ace, too -- but I'm well aware of the danger of wishful thinking and I am being careful not to make that my expectation.

Finally, her reported lack of libido may stem from malnutrition related to what I suspect is an eating disorder. She thinks of it as a permanent fixture, but it is a known side effect of eating disorders.

The important thing, for me, is that I've learned what I can in order to support her if she decides that overcoming any of those is a goal, for herself. I hope I can keep my own desires on the sidelines, out of her decision-making process, and simply be the supportive partner she needs when she needs it.

I hope the resources I've mentioned are helpful to you in your situation, or to anybody following along.

The ace-allo partnership is a tricky set of rapids for both partners, but I don't think its impossible.