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Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships?
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The reason that the penis evolved to work like a plunger was precisely because in order to increase the odds of impregnating the female with it's genetic material, it had to pump out a lot of other semen first.
Cumdumps are as old as humanity itself.
Read Sex at Dawn. Gay men don't get turned on when we gang bang a bottom because we're gay. We get turned on because we're men.
Monogamy is a relatively modern concept. It's not how we evolved to be. Many couples make it work and while it is common, it's not normal... for gays or straights.
Read Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
I believe I came across an even less determinate consensus in the book Sex at Dawn based on observations of the Kalahari bushmen, probably the last real hunter-gatherer society.
One of the authors, Christopher Ryan, used the word "Monogam-ish" at a presentation in Sydney. You can picture him using that hand gesture with the fingers spread out and waving in that "sorta, kinda" fashion.
Anyway to the point, within a single tribe he observed both trends toward monogamy and non-monogamy. Some members liked to be exclusive and the others - the decision making didn't differentiate between men and women - would change partners every so often. Basically just like sexuality is a spectrum, not a polarity.
Parenting - aside from the direct birth mother link - was a duty of the whole tribe. The promotion of the nuclear family ideal is a tragedy.
EDIT: Clarified my closing sentence
It's not just the male brain. Human sexuality evolved for something approximating what we now call polyamory. Read Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships.
Monogamy in males is relatively new from an evolutionary aspect. Men only started to control the sexuality of women when we invented agriculture and the concept of personal property that we could pass on to our own children. Which meant we needed to control which men the women were around to ensure that any of our multiple wives only bore children that we created.
Men were never expected to be monogamous until very, very, recently. I'd even go so far as to say that the sexual revolution in the 60's didn't free women, it restricted men.
Bonobos are our closest evolutionary cousins but they don't have all of the religious dogma surrounding mating so... they all fuck like... well... basically like gay men do if left to their own devices.
>But it seems like it’s a lost battle and I should attempt to reframe my mind for shorter term relationships.
Not necessarily. I've been in an open relationship with my partner for over 12 years and I've been monogamous for the last 11 or so. The fact that monogamy is not in our nature does not mean that you can't have a monogamous relationship. It just means that you have to deal with the reality of that fact.
White I agree some people use sex as a selfish form of validation, there are other reasons for this behavior. As a man with a high libido, I often judged myself for these thoughts. Suspend judgement for a moment and imagine having the best, most intimate loving sex with a partner, then going for a walk five minutes later and having sexual thoughts about the first woman who walks by...it's baffling really. I'm a man, and raised as a catholic (but no longer), so I had immense guilt around these feelings. So I spoke to a therapist about it and she talked to me about instinct.
Did you know that a significant amount of our predecessors were not monogamous? One particular primate species would have sex without bonding and then suddenly move on to the next mate. Now again, in no way do I think this is an excuse for immature, poor relationship skills. But nobody can ignore the effect that millions of years of this led up to the development of the human brain we have. And of course the other side of the coin are female instincts, for example the tendency of some heterosexual women to generally use financial stability as criteria in choosing of men. Right or wrong, it's what we're dealing with. Here's a book that I read that goes deeper into this topic, a very very interesting read for anyone interested.
Actually it is a competition thing. The "helmet" of a male human's penis allows for sort of a pumping out of competitor's sperm. Size and shape allows for the disruption of other sperm, and spermicides in precum help kill off competitor sperm.
Our ancestors fucked as much as bonobos.
Source: Sex at Dawn (evolutionary biological look at sexuality and relationships in humans)
>Humans are hard wired for pair bonding.
Nope. Read this.
Also, for the record, I agree with you on points one and two. I'm in an open relationship but I have been monogamous for the last 10 years of the almost 12 years. By choice.
Monogamy isn't even normative for straight couples. Humans and human sexuality didn't evolve to be monogamous, that only happened with the invention of agriculture. Read Sex at Dawn for further explanation.
No animal spends more of its allotted time on Earth fussing over sex than Homo sapiens—not even the famously libidinous bonobo. Although we and the bonobo both average well into the hundreds, if not thousands, of acts of intercourse per birth—way ahead of any other primate—their “acts” are far briefer than ours. Pair-bonded “monogamous” animals are almost always hyposexual, having sex as the Vatican recommends: infrequently, quietly, and for reproduction only. Human beings, regardless of religion, are at the other end of the libidinal spectrum: hypersexuality personified.
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships-ebook/dp/B007679QTG/ref=nodl_
I really highly recommend reading Sex at Dawn . It’s a great book by anthropologists about human sexuality- please check it out. It really gets to the root of a lot of modern day relationship issues.
I don't understand the humiliation part. However, there's an interesting case made for group sex (multiple males having sex with one female) being evolutionarily natural in Sex at Dawn, though I may take that book with a grain of salt.
As I stated, the book explains it much better.
Somewhat, but I think the "warrior" culture is just competition, (ingroup-outgroup tribal dynamics) and all species on earth do that. Propagating DNA.
>cial apare ca răspuns la o nevoie biologica sau ca o îndeplinire a unei utilități. Asta îl face sa nu fie fix pe o perioada lunga, însă un construct social nu înseamnă că nu e o expresie a unor lucruri biologice/naturale sau ca nu exista.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships-ebook/dp/B007679QTG
Uite o carte interesanta pe acest subiect. O gasesti si pe libgen daca vrei.
For example, a man trying to have sex with many women all while avoiding parental investment is not doing so because he wants to "increase his fitness", but because the psychological framework that evolved and thrived in the Pleistocene never went away
For the Himbos book club can the first book be sex at dawn ?
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships-ebook/dp/B007679QTG
We found the gorilla!
Okay okay it’s called sex AT dawn: How we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships
Not resources that tackle this particular topic, but which are nonetheless directly related:
Caliban and the Witch: Women, the Body and Primitive Accumulation
​
(the second one in particular will blow your mind)
Read Sex at Dawn. It explains all of this.
Mo thinks I'm beautiful and I know she's right!
so this ebook about sex might come in handy.
>Yup.
Most anthropologists disagree with you. Humans are not monogamous. Neither are chimps or bonobos. Sry to burst your bubble.
Some sources for you:
http://news.softpedia.com/news/Humans-Are-Not-Made-Monogamous-83227.shtml http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/07/27/ryan.promiscuity.normal/index.html http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2009/02/12/2489757.htm http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Modern-Relationships-ebook/dp/B007679QTG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374204833&sr=8-1&keywords=sex+at+dawn http://bigthink.com/world-in-mind/rethinking-monogamy http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=secrets-of-the-phallus
>OP expressly said he was interested but wanted to discuss it sober, but did give permission for his wife to get it on with the other chick. That was it. That was the boundary that was agreed upon.
So your admitting that OP first crossed the boundaries by letting Sally suck his dick. Okay. Agreed. OP crossed the boundaries, then Harry just followed his lead and did the same. Again, we can see that OP gave physical permission by taking this action. Maybe he wouldnt have if he was sober. Still, not Harrys fault that OP sent the wrong signal.
>From the comments in this thread, a lot of people (including experienced swingers) disagree with you.
The people who frequent this subs affinity for the dislike of taking personal responsibility has no bearing on who is at fault from a reasonable and logical standpoint.
Dude here who gave up pornography (for science reasons, not moral ones).
First of all, just wanted to say:
You are a great lady for even coming to other people to try to get help for this difficulty in your relationship (not to mention sticking it out for three years). You are not a bad person for wanting sex more than twice a week, you just have a healthy sexual appetite. Further, you should not feel responsibility for increasing his sex drive (beyond the normal efforts of just making sure you are healthy, happy and passionate). Maintaining ones sexual health is each individual's responsibility.
Honestly, the thing I would investigate is the following:
>He loves to look at naked pictures of me, but doesn't seem to care too much for porn
[emphasis mine]
There are two big possibilities here:
1) He has some kind of medical/mechanical issue which is preventing him from achieving/maintaining erections. This has in turn led to a cuckold fetish (he is eroticising the insecurity generated by his lack of ability to perform/'please you' with penetrative sex).
2) More likely, I think he has/still does consume a lot of pornography.
The symptoms you are describing (lack of interest in sex, difficulty in getting/maintaining an erection, lack of chemistry in bed, intense cuckolding fetish) seem to match up quite well with a lot of the symptoms of overconsumption of pornography (check out the /pornfree subreddit and sidebar, also google 'your brain on porn'). The cuckolding fetish specifically seems indicative of porn consumption as this is a pretty specific genre of pornography and not something you are likely to encounter outside of a personal experience (getting cheated on and subsequently turned on by it) or seeking it out in some kind of sex club environment. There are some dudes in the /r/pornfree sub who develop really intense/uncharacteristic fetishes (straight dudes getting into gay porn, intense rapey porn, bestiality, etc.)
The protocol I would suggest, regardless, would be to do the following:
- Have him see a GP and urologist if necessary and describe his erectile symptoms. As an aside, if he can masturbate to a full erection, he does not have a medical issue.
- Stop all porn use and intentionally avoid seeking out sexually arousing content immediately and indefinitely (30 days would be a minimum time frame)
- Engage in 20 minutes of non sexual bonding behavior every day for at LEAST two weeks (no sex allowed here, just slow kissing, caressing, hugging, cuddling, tickling, massaging, etc.)
- STOP all orgasm or masturbation (sexual stimulation) for two weeks. After this time you can re-introduce sex gradually (while continuing the bonding behaviors separately), but limit your and (especially) his orgasms. Emphasis here on the sex being incredibly slow, soothing and about connection. Even if he still has trouble maintaining an erection, try having him just be inside of you while you kiss deeply and caress one another.
Note: the last two points are derived from a practice called 'Karezza'. Google that too.
Finally, I would get and read (or at least google) the following books:
- Describes the sexual practices of traditional hunter-gatherer tribes. Suprise, they include pair bonding but sexual polyamory and partner sharing/orgies. Explains (or at least theorizes) the roots of the popularity of gang-bang porn and why many guys (often secretly) find stuff like cuckolding so arousing.
- Describes (hypothesizes) the neuroscience behind pornography addiction, and why/how internet pornography can produce such potent changes in male physiology including a large number of cases of erectile dysfunction
Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain
- More of the above
Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships
- Describes the practice of karezza, slow sex and how to rescue relationships from the ''Coolidge Effect" (i.e. the 2-3 year mark where the natural 'chemistry' begins to wear off and partners start to lose sexual passion)
Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality
- More of the above.
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