I'd suggest you read the book Shadow Syndromes.
I have always wondered why people who maybe be decent and good can have so much doubt or criticism of themselves while people who aren't can often have great opinions of themselves. It seems like the perception of reality works in opposites.
That reminds me of the line from Desiderata, "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. Unless you do something specifically wrong, look not to be critical of yourself because it often is unfounded and your perspective is so close that your view of yourself can often be distorted. I would strive to stop trying to form any opinion of yourself and let yourself just be.
And while is certainly possible for someone who is psychotic to be fully aware of what ails them, and I'm not in any position to suggest a diagnosis -- no one is over the internet, even professionals -- I don't personally don't think you are psychotic by the thought you have put into this. I think it is an idea that at some point became appealing as an escape valve and slowly worked into your thought processes. Likewise to get rid of it, aside from traditional methods to help cope, it will require some self-training and discipline to work the idea out of your thought processes.
One single traumatic event is enough to actually rewire to some degree how the brain works. I read a fascinating book called Shadow Symtoms which points that out and shares a lot of insight in general that I think might be useful.
Talking about the future, I think that is what resonated with me about the Brief Interviews monologue. You have faced something that not everyone had, have managed to get through it and know you can not only survive it, but can perhaps even put it behind you.
Everyone can have a lot of uncertainly of the future, although a number of people try to numb themselves too it, but I would like to see you just try to picture a future where you can get something out of life. As you mentioned about how you get bored, I would really strive to find something that you can at least try to feel passionate about.
The reflex will be to not picture a positive future, and you will have to purposefully will it to be able to see it, but I would like you to do that for yourself. And then then try to take life step by step to make that happen the best you can.