What is Reddit's opinion of Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

I find it hard to believe he “accidentally” pushed his ex, especially considering you’ve seen enough red flags that you came to a DV sub. You don’t accidentally push someone hard enough to break their arm.

Abusers very rarely change. In order to even begin to change, he has to realize and admit that he is abusive. He can’t change as long as he insists he’s done nothing wrong, blames it all on others, or turns events into “accidents”. There’s an author, Lundy Bancroft, who was a counselor that worked with abusers. His book “Why Does He Do That?” is really well known, and really helpful, but he also has a book about whether your relationship can be saved. Maybe that might be helpful to you.

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X/ref=nodl_

Possible? Technically, yes.

Likely? Fuck no. He's still denying what he did. How can he change if he can't fully, totally, completely admit where and how he did wrong?

Do not get couples counseling with your abuser. They use it as a manipulation tactic.

I hope writing this all out helped give you the resolve you need to leave.

This has helped others: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

I’m so sorry, that is so controlling. I know that people on Reddit are very quick to recommend ending a relationship or call someone an abuser, and I’m not doing that, but it sounds like you’re not in a great situation. I’ve never read it myself but I have seen good things about Should I Stay or Should I Go in navigating a situation like yours. Maybe check out the reviews and see if you might get something out of reading it. A partner should never interfere with you seeking treatment for your health, including mental health.

Same OP-

I've expressed to my husband that I need out. It's hard rn bc I have no support in the ways I need i.e. affection, talking, dates, etc. He's supportive in ways like helping with chores and the kids.. my issue is the things he does is half assed and makes me look like the jerk bc I'm constantly redoing everything he just did.

Nobody understands why that's not enough. I feel like I have no support in wanting to leave him from family. Unfortunately, they are my only daycare source now.

I'm trying to get out but i don't wanna leave him without. I wanna set both of us up on our own and work out custody of the kids. He says he understands but can't figure out what to do. Its very frustrating. I don't wanna tell the kids until we know what the next move is.

OP I read Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It helped a lot to navigate my feelings for him and realize he's never going to change. His unwillingness to get therapy for himself was also an issue. Couple counseling didn't help as he will not speak.

Good luck OP!! I'm rooting for you!

"I'm scared to hurt his feelings and start a fight". Well, that says it all. You can't communicate with him about how you're feeling because 1) he will take it as a personal attack and then 2) he will then become aggressive.

He is also making hurtful comments about you to make you feel bad, and then gaslighting you by claiming that it's a joke.

So, it's not a healthy relationship, is it? A healthy relationship is where two people cherish and support each other. And your parents didn't show you what a healthy relationship can be, but you still deserve one. You deserve to be with an equal partner, who doesn't treat you like a domestic servant. And yes, I know he does all the driving, but given that controlling, abusive partners like to know where their victim is all the time, that probably suits him just fine. I bet he's not actually helping you to get a driving license, is he?

Weirdly, him being super romantic and pressuring you into marriage are also warning signs of coercive control in a relationship.

This is all a bit more complicated because you live with his parents so you're quite dependent on him. First off, read this book by Lundy Bancroft and have a good think about the relationship. https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X Definitely do not marry him or move into an apartment with just him. Explain that you need to live with someone who is capable of doing housework.

There's a great book from an expert on the subject, Lundy Bancroft. It's called <em>Should I Stay or Should I Go?</em>. It sounds like you know what's right in your heart--which is that this man is not good for you.

Look into resources to help you and your baby. I bet, with support from good resources, you can raise this baby on your own, and break the cycle of abuse. You AND your baby deserve a bright future.

Also, I BEG you to read the book Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft. The Amazon reviews alone may give you pause:

&#x200B;

>[The book] helped me understand why I was able to tolerate a final year of angry explosions, open raging, infidelity and systematic social humiliation. It helped me understand and cope with my failure to get support from friends and family. It encouraged me to try with family and friends in a different way. When I finally had an emotional break, I took myself to a local office of HAWC, completely beside myself. Me? Asking for help and support from woman's help center? I make donations to that charity.

>
>They lent me Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? That led me to this book. Because of the resonating humanity and clear understanding of what I have gone through, I am finally able to face the truth. It's not possible to "behave" in a way that would make my husband be nicer, more fair, more caring or more civil to me. Conventional strategies failed because he does not want our marriage to be different. He chooses to abuse me. I have to love myself the way I love him. I have to be a support to myself. I have to surround myself by people who agree I am worthy of love, care and compassion. I am using this book first to rebuild my outer and inner strength to have clear, strong boundaries with him to manage him out of my life. Step by step i will use the resources to disengage from this man who seems to possess an unending need to hook me for reasons that I may never fully understand and will eventually stop caring about completely.

&#x200B;

I am not a shill for Bancroft, I should add. I just know how powerful his work is, and how it's changed the lives of a lot of people who spent years trying to make their relationships with their SOs work and blamed themselves for the failures.

btw, this is a great book by some amazing people on the topic (not how but on topic): https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X/

This book may help!

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

I hear you, and I have shared in your choice not to abandon an abusive partner in the past. I agree with you that often, abuse comes from a legacy of hurt and suffering that is repeating itself. I believe that if people are aware of their behaviors and thought patterns and emotional trauma and are willing and motivated to break the cycle, progress can be made. That said, I don't think that any relationship is worth prioritizing the physical or emotional safety of one partner over another, and that if one partner feels unsafe around the other partner, they should do what they can to get out and to be safe. Each person is special, and every relationship holds its own sacred allure - if this wasn't true, we wouldn't date or stay with abusive partners.

It's especially "sticky" for partners who are emotionally attuned to their abusive partners' suffering. When we can see the wounded child, we have a harder time painting that person as a villain. Sometimes we do this until it's too late. Sometimes we reach a breaking point within ourselves. Sometimes we maintain this dynamic for the rest of our lives. I have seen it play out in many different ways. People are complicated.

If your partner is able to admit that his behavior is or has been abusive, and wants to change, then there is indeed help for them. Therapy with a counselor is a great place to start. I would strongly recommend this route for the accountability that it provides.

However, if that's not a step that your partner is ready to take, here are some books that might be helpful for you and/or for your partner to read. You can find them all on Amazon:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved by Lundy Bancroft

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior

I wish you luck, and I encourage you to keep your own safety and well-being at the front of your mind. As they say, if you don't put on your own oxygen mask first, then how can you assist the other passengers in need?

Yes. and I tried to absolve it by cooking up large batches of freezer food and cleaning the house before I left. As though that was going to help (???). I guess it helped me emotionally in the moment, but looking back, it seems like such a waste of my time for something that he doesn't value.

I did reach out to the closest friends he had and asked them to check in on him periodically. But they're not my friends, so I have no way of knowing if it happened.

This book was essential for me https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

>"If your partner has been self-destructive, you can grieve the illusion of keeping him safe… You have to remember that you are not destroying him, nor is your leaving what causes his destruction. Your well-being formed a levee, but you know the levee was breaking and that the force of the pernicious and ocean-sized pressures was straining against you all along. (p. 339)"

I've been single for a long time, so my experiences aren't going to be helpful. I'd like to refer you to https://captainawkward.com/category/abuse/ . Some of the advice-seekers are lesbians.

I'm going to recommend two books:
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved and
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
If you're in a financial bind, put these 2 books on an Amazon wish list and message me the wish list and I'll spring for it. Something about your other posts push a button for me and alarm bells are going off.