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Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved?
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There are plenty of books to help you. The book you are asking for simply doesn't exist because it can't. A gaslighter is not interesting in listening to you. Communication is a two-way street. Both people must choose to participate. An abuser is deliberately choosing not to listen to you or value your feelings. I'm sorry.
It sounds like the book you need right now is Should I Stay or Should I Go?, the definitive book on if your relationship can even be salvaged and, if so, how.
But nothing will make him listen unless he chooses to do so. Gaslighting does not occur because you just aren't explaining yourself well enough. It occurs because the other person only cares about "winning" the conversation, no matter the damage it does to you.
Splitting up might be the only thing that potentially motivates him to do better. Regardless, you'll be safer in any case. You deserve safety, respect, and love, OP. You didn't deserve the blame or the yelling.
Yes, it's highly abusive, which I was definitely concerned about when I saw the inappropriate age gap. This is a man you should be running from, not marrying.
Whether you choose to leave or not, the wedding needs indefinitely cancelled. Someone who tells you to kill yourself is not someone you should be marrying anytime soon. Marriage will make it much harder for you to leave, and he is very likely to escalate once he has utilized the law to help trap you with him. Marriage will never solve serious relationship issues. It will only compound them.
You say you're choosing to stay and work on things, but what is he doing to work on things? Did he enter an abuser program? Is he making safe space for you to feel your feelings and talk about how he hurt you?
The problem is that we are always willing to work on things. Abusers are never willing to do any of the work. They just want us to accept their abuse.
If he has said he will work on things, then he needs to back that up with action. It's not fair, but if he doesn't, then it's on you to enforce this by leaving if he won't change. He will never change if there are never consequences for him.
It lays out what needs to happen if he is to change, which includes you being willing to prove that he could lose you and this relationship. Choosing to stay and work on things means expecting more from him, not settling back into his abuse. :(
Please don't be afraid to reach out for further help. Abusers can mask for years. Four days is not a sign of genuine change, especially if he has no external help to unlearn his abuse. Abuse is a mentality, worldview, and moral system. Imagine you had to unlearn everything you thought you knew about the world and your place in it. That wouldn't happen overnight. It would take years of hard, dedicated work. It takes time and effort to break habits and create new patterns. What he's doing right now is honeymooning.
Get help: https://nomoredirectory.org/
Learn more: https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
The Bible if you're staying, an absolutely necessary purchase: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=1PZK1PJBSGX1O&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1670527979&sprefix=should+i+stay+or+sjould+i%2Caps%2C143&sr=8-3
The line is at the first instance of abuse. Anytime after that is past time to walk away but always a great time to leave. You don't owe him any amount of time to chances to stop abusing you. He never should have done it in the first place.
I understand my words aren't going to change your mind, though, so here's help below. You have a trauma-informed therapist, right? If you're trying to stay, this isn't a "if I can". It's an "absolutely required".
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=MN2GXIWJ48TZ&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1670010443&sprefix=should+i%2Caps%2C145&sr=8-3 Again, not an "if I can afford". An "I MUST have this book and MUST follow it"
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Yes, please, please move there without him for your own safety. Besides the fact that anger management can actually make abuse worse, he has not actually proven to you that he can or will genuinely change. Until he's done that, do not live with him. Looking into treatment isn't enough. He needs to show through action that he can do what's right.
A good guide for you to have on hand.
And yes, this guy is an abuser using his past to gaslight/justify his abuse. If this was truly PTSD (which...it's not...you're not describing someone experiencing a flashback - you're experiencing someone abusing and targeting you), he wouldn't be denying what he'd done afterwords. He'd be taking accountability. The denial is a core component of abuse. Accountability is necessary for genuine change. Accountability doesn't just mean admitting it or going through the steps to "look into" treatment either. It means accepting responsibility, admitting to his abuse, and then genuinely changing his behavior and abusing you any further.
People to talk to who can help you process this.
And honestly? Don't tell him you're going until absolutely necessary. Once he finds out you're planning on leaving without him, he will escalate and become even more dangerous.
No. You are being honeymooned right now. Change is extremely rare in an abuser, and the fact that he's just sitting around begging you to stay instead of taking legitimate action to change shows he's still just gaslighting you.
Leave. Even if you wanted to give him another chance (a choice that will only result in more pain for you), you would still need to leave. See this checklist of genuine change and the bible on if your relationship can be salvaged and, if so, how. The advice will be to leave for your own safety, healing, and peace, until he's definitively proven he actually is changing by genuinely changing.
All our abusers lied and said they would change. Many of us stayed, multiple times. It only ever got worse.
Change in an abuser is extremely rare. If you were willing to share more details with us or a DV advocate, we could help in a more concrete way.
Here's information on genuine change, what it actually looks like, and how hard it is.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf at least read the chapter 'The Process of Change'
If he never explicitly took accountability of his abuse, then the only thing he's changed is his method of abuse. He can't fix what he never admits to.
You don't believe him because you're wise and seeing things clearly. He is not changing. He is actively lovebombing you again (all the gifts), as well as gaslighting you (re: his so-called childhood trauma). This is the cycle of abuse. Unfortunately, you never exited it.
https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Even if it is genuine (it's clearly not), you don't owe him any further time or chances. People lose their right to a second chance the second they abuse you for the first time. It is not hard to not abuse someone. He chose to do so, anyway, for years.
They have no reason to change because they're getting exactly what they want out of this relationship. And in fact, couples counseling is only dangerous for you. All you can do is escape this relationship post-haste. Here's people to talk to for emotional support and logistical help.
Here are tips on unlearning gaslighting. And break that trauma bond.
The good being great doesn't mean the relationship is salvagable; in fact, that's a trademark of an abusive relationship. The good only seems so great because it's compared to the absolute depravity of the bad.
It is extremely unlikely for abusers to change, and in fact, when they do, it's because they are motivated by consequences - they want to avoid legal problems/jail time/losing the relationship. So, the very few abusers that change, typically only do so because their victim has left them and they're facing potential jail time/probation. No amount of loving, asking, pleading, begging, or patience has ever made an abuser suddenly care about how much they've been hurting you. In order to abuse you, they stop thinking of you as a human being and start thinking of you as a possession/object. They do not care about what they're doing to you because they have literally stopped believing you have any feelings that even matter. All you can do is leave. I left explanations and help regarding this in the above links.
Number one suggestion would be to move out until he gets his mental health under control or you can accept that he is choosing to be abusive using mental health as an excuse to do so and break up with him. Then when he becomes violent, you can leave and return to the safety of your place or call the cops and have him removed from your place (if you're not willing to call the cops, then he is not allowed over at your place; your place needs to stay a safe space). You may find it helpful to download an emergency contact app and make a plan with a friend or two, so when you send them a message, they can help you through getting out, come get you themselves, or call the cops for you.
Number two, come up with a safe location in the house that you can hide in and call someone to talk to. Some place you can go and lock from the inside (guest room, office, bathroom, etc.) away from him. If he doesn't attack you while you're on the phone, then call someone and stay on the phone until you are safely out of the house and away from him. Stay with a friend, go to a hotel - have a plan b. (If he truly cared about your safety or not abusing you, he'd be horrified at what he's doing and, when he's not manic, coming up with a plan to make sure he removes himself when he's dangerous so you're not out on the street trying to find a safe space to sleep...)
People to talk to for emotional support and logistical help, plus safety planning for escape.
I also hope that you have professional support in place for your PTSD and are talking to them about what you're suffering. They will help you come up with a plan that is manageable for you in these circumstances, as they should be familiar with what your PTSD is like.
It is not your job, responsibility, or duty to sacrifice your mental health and physical safety for the sake of his reputation. Maybe people should be judging him so he has motivation to commit to the help and treatment he needs. Good luck.
Nonstop calling and texting shows he is prioritizing how he feels here, not how you feel. As the hurt party, your feelings should be number one. If he's spending all his time harassing you, then when is he looking into rehab/sobriety programs? Finding sobriety meetings to attend? Signing up for therapy?
He doesn't have the time for any of that because his priority isn't changing to be better. His priority is doing damage control to protect his reputation.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://pcdcounseling.com/9-rules-true-apologies/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Sorry. I turned things around for myself by leaving for good. It's incredibly super rare for an abuser to change. There are always exceptions to the rule, but remember these are exceptions and not the rule. The instances where I've seen people reporting change also tend to be people who weren't physically abusive or coercive controllers and their emotional abuse that could be seen as defensive and passive-aggressive stuff (DARVO, negging) rather than the use of slurs, screaming, cornering you, throwing things, threatening self-harm, etc. That said, my abuser lines up pretty well with the one that I just described as being the one I've seen others claiming to change, and he didn't even attempt to change after his fake ass manipulative crocodile tear and getting down on his knees to beg for me back after I left the first time. I have only seen one user in this sub see change and stay in their relationship (they are very open about how difficult it was), and I'm in this sub a lot.
These can help you:
Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) - help cut through his manipulation and see the truth
Quick and easy checklist of genuine change
Should I Stay or Should I Go? (purchase link) - guide on knowing if your relationship can be salvaged and, if so, how
For him: Guide on changing part 1 and Guide on changing part 2
You mention that things have been better since you gave him an ultimatum, but you're also here asking if the only way is to leave. Is it possible that having to be so on guard in your relationship isn't what you want for yourself? If he's genuinely been changing, that's great! But it also doesn't mean you're obligated to stay. You're allowed to leave for whatever reason, including being unable to move past the abuse/being too triggered or wary by the abuse, not feeling safe in your relationship, not feeling comfortable in your relationship, your relationship exhausting you rather than uplifting you, or simply even the urge to leave.
This is an old post, but it's interesting because your title implies he's been improving, yet all that's described in this post is further manipulation, intimidation, control, and abuse. Abusers often appear remorseful and rational (they are rational; they only act irrational to scare you and to appear out of control to help avoid accountability) and insightful. That very rarely leads to actual change. It is usually just a part of the cycle. Changing his methods of abuse is not improving or a reason to hold onto hope. It's just him becoming sneakier and more manipulative. I'm sorry.
Cycle of abuse: https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
Here's how to understand his current mentality and make sense of the experiences you've gone through: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Here's how to recognize genuine signs of change:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Here's how to break that trauma bond:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
You could have PTSD, but this is also just what it feels like to be still living in a currently abusive situation. It's not really being triggered when you're being specifically abused and hurt. It's being abused and hurt. You deserve better. I sincerely hope you'll call up your local DV org and work on re-creating that safety plan for escape. </3
The good times are just covert abuse, by the by; they do not signify genuine change. :(
It's wise to understand that even if you believe he can change doesn't mean he will change. By pressuring you to move back in, he is in fact continuing to perpetuate the same old abuse. It's still about him, him, him. And he spun such a pathetic sob story to get you to feel sorry for him and guilt you into coming back. He's not sorry that he repeatedly, time after time, choose to abuse you. No, he's gonna blame it on some sleep disorder. That's not accountability. That's another excuse.
Stay the course and don't move back. Whether this relationship is over or can be salvaged, prioritizing your needs and safety and living somewhere safe are the recommended course of action anyway.
These will help guide you through this:
Quick and dirty checklist of genuine change: https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Genuine apology: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/06/30/im-sorry-term-we-say-lot-heres-how-actually-apologize/7808762002/
Manipulative apology: https://thescoop.asia/2020/12/11/the-five-telling-signs-of-a-manipulative-apology/
Why Does He Do That? https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf Learn why he does what he does to better understand his motivations and recognize his manipulation
Should I Stay or Should I Go? https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=38L1DN9YEJANY&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1666114282&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjk4IiwicXNhIjoiMi42MyIsInFzcCI6IjIuNzkifQ%3D%... Definitive guide on knowing if your relationship even can be salvaged and, if so, how
Abusers changing is very rare because it's extremely difficult and selfless work, and a core component of abuse is extreme selfishness. Unlearning abuse isn't like learning a new skill. It's like trying to learn math in base 2 when you've been doing base 10 your whole life. It's like trying to unlearn English. Abuse is a worldview. To unlearn it is to change everything they believe about the world and themselves.
Best of luck.
Nope! You just said he refuses to actually get any help to unlearn his abusive mentality - which would take years even if he was genuine. What he's doing is called "honeymooning" you, which is just a form of manipulation to trick you into staying.
Your bibles during this time need to be:
Why Does He Do That? free pdf - understand his mentality and how he perfectly understands what he's doing and how him refusing help is another sign that he doesn't think what he's doing is even wrong in the first place
Should I Stay or Should I Go? purchase link - a guide for knowing if your relationship even can be salvaged and, if so, how
Abusers cannot change on their own. It's like...trying to do surgery on yourself. You may be really great at doing surgery on other people, but you can't see inside yourself well enough or stay disconnected enough from what it means to perform surgery on yourself to successfully perform surgery on yourself. You need the help of someone else who knows what they're doing. Imagine trying to change your entire moral code. You'd need someone there pointing out your ingrained patterns and habits to help see everything you needed to change. This is what unlearning abuse is.
And beyond that, unlearning abuse and becoming non-abusive is depressingly rare. It's difficult and unselfish work. It requires an abuser actually face all the guilt and shame they've been covering up and denying over how they treat you. Once they start that work, even an abuser who had the drive to change loses motivation. They abuse because they want to feel good, no matter the cost. They're simply unwilling to face these feelings, which is the very foundation of even being able to actually unlearn their abusive ideals.
Plenty of people have tried. And they suffered abuse for weeks to months to years longer.
Promises mean nothing. Words are cheap. Abusers can wear their mask for a long time until they are sure they have you trapped again (such as moving back in with them). What has he done to confront and unlearn his abusive mentality? Has he ever gone to an abuser/batterer program? Did he face legal consequences for hitting you - and did he gracefully accept these consequences? How much time and space did he give you to heal? Did he pay for your trauma-informed therapy? Has he told yours and his friends and family about his abuse so that he may be held accountable instead of being allowed to keep the abuse secret, which helps it thrive?
Returning is rarely a good idea because it's so rare for an abuser to change. But here are resources that will help you navigate this.
Why Does He Do That? free pdf - understand how this wasn't a mistake, but a set of moral beliefs that he used to choose to hurt you
Should I Stay or Should I Go? purchase link - the definitive guide on understanding if your relationship can even be salvaged and, if so, how
You're not the bad guy for divorcing him. He's the bad guy for lying to you and tricking you into abuse. He's the bad guy for abusing you. He is unlikely to ever change. It's far more common for an abuser to change their method of abuse rather than become truly non-abusive. And even if he does genuinely change, it could take years for that to happen, and it will be a lifelong dedication for him. Abuse is a mentality - it's his whole worldview. He will always tend to default back to abuse. Even if he genuinely changes, he will slip, and when he doesn't catch it, that will be on you to catch and enforce boundaries with him. It will never be a truly happy and free relationship. It will always carry the weight of his abuse. These resources will help you navigate your next steps.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft free pdf - understand how, just like in the book, both sides of your stbex are the same, abusive person
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft link to buy - the definitive guide on understanding if any relationship can be salvaged and, if so, how
You leave when you're ready. You're not obligated to give him any amount of time or chances.
No!!! Please don't do this!!! Couples counseling is very dangerous for abusive relationships!!! Any responsible therapist who knows the relationship is abusive would refuse to see you.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1
Abuse is not a relationship problem. It is not something you are perpetuating or helping to cause. Abuse is firmly an abuser problem. They are the only ones who can make changes to become non-abusive, and it's very rare for them to actually follow through on that.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
The two books I just linked will be immensely helpful to you navigating steps forward from this.
Please do not talk to him about this alone. Have someone there to help protect you. And plan on spending the next couple of nights away from him for your safety as well. Best wishes.
These may be useful to you:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
Do know that it's extremely rare for an abuser to change because it means unlearning their entire world view and idea of their place in the world. You have given him years worth of chances and nothing has improved. It's absolutely okay to just leave and not look back. If he cared, he never would have hurt you like that and wouldn't have silenced you about it for this long.
NOOOOO this right here is the clincher that he's gaslighting and manipulating you. Why would he need you specifically to help him not abuse you? He doesn't. There's no logic there. You are the last person he needs. It's on him to make it up to you all the damage and hurt and pian he's caused, not on you to rehabilitate him. He is trying to physically trap you with him again. (And when you don't fall for it, he's going to resort to blaming you and saying it's your fault he didn't change. Don't fall for it. He and he alone is in control of his actions.)
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please know what you have described is indeed abuse, and that couples counseling should not be attempted in abuse. It is only dangerous for you. Abuse is not a relationship problem.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1
If he really wants to rebuild what he has broken, then he needs to get into an abuser/batterer program. If there is a therapist available who is specifically trained in helping abusers rehabilitate, then he can go to them. But even solo therapy is dangerous for abusers because traditional therapy relies on complete honesty and effort from the abuser, whereas abusers ruthlessly lie to cover up their abuse and avoid consequences. More often than not, therapy only confirms an abuser's victim complex and makes them more effective manipulators.
Solo trauma-informed therapy for you is a good idea, though. You'll need a safe space for healing and navigating setting boundaries with him (he will slip back into abuse even on the rare chance he's genuine about changing, and unfortunately it'll be your job to call that out).
These need to be your bibles if you are even considering staying together:
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf - breaks down his mentality so you can better recognize his manipulation and understand what it will take for him to unlearn his abusive mentality (which is his entire worldview)
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/ - easily reference list on what genuine change actually looks like (as opposed to love bombing and disingenuous apologies)
https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=353Y5RKU2J2M0&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1663888045&sprefix=should+i%2Caps%2C169&sr=8-4 - definitive guide on knowing if the relationship can get salvaged, and if so, how.
As for the phone, you will want to get on your own, individual phone plan. He is not safe to stay on a plan with.
As well, you need your own transport. That may mean the purchase of a other car or you taking ownership of the car and him dealing with public transport. Since he utilized these things against you in order to control and entrap you, he should accept this as restitution towards rebuilding trust on the relationship if he's truly serious about working things out.
This is not you severing ties. This is a natural consequence of him abusing you in these ways. You do not owe him trust. He owes you re-earning that trust.
The nice things he showed you were lies. They were a mask to hide his abuse. The good times with him are merely covert abuse, but they are still abuse. The hope you have is for a man who never existed.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/when-all-you-can-remember-are-the-good-times
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/
The hope you have is all gaslighting and lies, fuelled by the trauma bond, which is easy to mistake for love until you've broken it. Here is how to break the trauma bond and unlearn gaslighting:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
You are not a rehabilitation center for abuse men/predators. Your needs, wants, feelings, safety, and health matter. You have to prioritize these because no one else will.
It's not negative to accept reality and demand better for yourself. In my opinion, that's actually the most hopeful action you could take.
But if you really can't think of yourself, then know this: you can't love the abuse out of an abuser. Whole it's extremely rare (extremely) for an abuser to change, they only do so when they face consequences for their actions: legally and by losing their relationships - most importantly, the relationship of the people he's abusing. You can learn about this and more here:
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
I know I've given you lots of links in lots of posts. I know that's overwhelming. Just bookmark them for when you can handle them. I'm not sharing them with you to overwhelm you. I'm linking them because everything you're feeling is exactly how all other survivors have felt. We learned these lessons the hard way and just don't want you to have to suffer as much or for as long as we did. We hope this information will help you save yourself sooner.
It's very, very, very rare.
Here are resources that will help you navigate this:
Why Does He Do That? (free and includes a section on change): https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Checklist of genuine change: https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Manipulative apology: https://thescoop.asia/2020/12/11/the-five-telling-signs-of-a-manipulative-apology/
Genuine apology: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2021/06/30/im-sorry-term-we-say-lot-heres-how-actually-apologize/7808762002/
Cycle of abuse: https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
Love bombing manipulation: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/love-bombing-signs-definition/
The good times are covert abuse: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/
Should I Stay or Should I Go? - definitive guide on IF the relationship can be salvaged and if so, how. Absolutely necessary to purchase if you're at all considering staying: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=Z5UGX3QMHE3B&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1663785113&sprefix=should+i+stay%2Caps%2C181&sr=8-4
If you're staying, a trauma-informed therapist is an absolutely necessity for you to have in your corner. You need healing and support, especially in navigating giving him another chance.
The fact that he apparently hasn't dedicated himself to getting sober on his own and is making you give the ultimatum tells me for 100% sure that he's merely manipulating you to try and keep you trapped.
Here are signs of genuine change and a whole book on learning how to tell honest action from gaslighting and if your relationship can be salvaged or not. What he's doing is just the honeymooning phase of the cycle of abuse, though. :(
It's extremely rare, and often "apologies" are part of the cycle.
Here are signs of genuine change, and a book on if an abusive relationship even <em>can</em> be saved - and if so, how.
If he's only apologizing for things he's doing now but hasn't made any amends, then this is the honeymoon phase. Did friends/family call him out for his behavior? Does he maybe have something important coming up (like a promotion) that he needs to look good for? You mention you started to pull away from the relationship. He likely noticed that and is simply manipulating you back. Once he senses he's regained your trust, he'll start sliding right back into that overt abuse.
You shouldn't forgive him, and you shouldn't stay. This isn't salvageable. Of course you were "immature". You were 21 and he was nearly a decade older. He was also abusing you, and when you reacted, you took accountability...while he didn't.
It's not a matter of if he'll hit you. It's a matter of when. Plenty of stuff you listed here can already be categorized as physical abuse, such as the dangerous driving and breaking items.
I am so glad you are out of therapy with him because that's extremely dangerous, and I really wish there was some sort of screening therapists could give to weed out abusive relationships they shouldn't be working with.
You can't forgive him, and that's good. That's your brain telling you to run because your brain actually wants you to live. Here's how to break that lingering trauma bond.
What you want is very human and compassionate. It's also impossible with an abuser. They're not abusing because they're immature or ill out confused. They abuse because they care about what they want more than they care about you as a person. You deserve better. You are a person, and you deserve to be treated as such.
The book Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook can be useful because it's written to be inclusive of people who haven't managed to escape yet. Talking to a DV advocate can also really help you process and get the support you need to leave, at least to safety.
Also know that abuser's changing is extremely rare. It is also a lifelong dedication that he will have to be on guard against constantly - and so you will you, because he will slip, and it will, unfortunately and unfairly, be your job to consistently call him out every. single. time. You'll never have a truly happy relationship with him because the relationship will always be tainted by the abuse. You will be triggered and need reassurance sometimes - and it'll be on him to genuinely give that. You will get comfortable, and he'll slip, and it'll bring up all those feelings again. The relationship will be forever defined by the abuse, even on the minuscule chance he actually reforms (which, just for reference: abuser/batterer program's run for an entire year minimum because it is that tough to get abuser's to listen and change - and because abuse is a core mentality and worldview that they must upend and re-learn in entirety). You're way too young to resign yourself to that. Go. Live your life.
No. Abuse is not caused by any mental illness, so there is no cure or medication for abuse. Abusers must do the hard work of unlearning their abusive mentality and choosing to act differently. Abuse can occur alongside mental illness. Mental illness can impact how an abuser chooses to abuse you, but abuse is always caused by a core belief system that condones abuse. Plenty of people with bipolar don't abuse because they are not abusive; they are just bipolar. It is extremely rare for abusers to change. An abusive person with bipolar has double the fight because they will need to learn to manage their disorder and unlearn their entire worldview.
The readings below explain all this in more depth.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You aren't the one perpetuating the cycle. You're not the one with the power to end it. The only power you have is to walk away and save yourself.
Therapy often only makes abusers more effective manipulators. They need a specific abuser program which will challenge and confront their abusive mentality instead.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Unlearning abuse is so difficult because it means I learning their entire world view and rewriting their entire sense of self.
Plenty. And they ended up trapped right back in an abusive situation again.
Counseling more often than not makes abusers more effective abusers. Therapy is not a suitable environment for abusers; it only confirms their victim complexes and gives them more effective manipulation tactics. To become non-abusive, they need an abuser/batterer program or at the very least a therapist who specializes in rehabilitating abusers, one who will challenge and confront them instead of support and encourage them.
These will help you navigate.
Recognize a manipulative apology
Why Does He Do That? free pdf - understand his motivations but especially check out the section 'Process of Change'
Should I Stay or Should I Go? book - ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY - guide on understanding if an abusive relationship can be saved and, if so, how (hint: even if you decide to give him another chance, do NOT move in with him, not yet, not for a long time)
Never believe someone has changed just because they say they have. Words are cheap.
Please know that even if he is changing (changing takes years and is a lifelong process; just for reference, an abuser/batterer program typically runs for at least one entire year), the relationship will never be the healthy, happy relationship you've dreamed of. He will always tend to slip back into abuse and have to be constantly on guard for it. And when that guard slips, which it will, it will fall to you to call it out every. single. time. You will also deal with being randomly triggered and remembering how it was when he was abusive, and it will be on him to comfort and reassure you over that. This can and will happen even decades later.
Yep, yep, yep, that's extremely abusive. Physically and emotionally, at least, from what you've said here.
- Punching holes in walls
- Breaking objects, particularly your objects
- Blaming you for actions he chooses to do, such as breaking his computer
- Threatening self-harm, even indirectly
- Self-harming to intimidate and/or guilt you
- Putting you in charge of his emotional well-being when he's an adult and it's his responsibility
- Yelling
Maybe he can do better. Maybe he can't. (He probably can't. It's extremely rare for abusers to actually change. It requires they face their guilt and shame and be selfless after a lifetime of selfishness.) This is already his third year of chances. Let him be better for someone else. Let him be better for himself. It's your time to heal, feel safe, and move on. Without him in your life.
Even if you do decide to give him his 1 millionth chance to "be better", you should still do it living separately to help him break habits and to give you the safety and time to heal.
Just in case he guilts you into it...
Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) to understand him better
Should I Stay or Should I Go? book to judge if the relationship is worth saving and how to do so
This is the cycle of abuse. He's playing nice because you stood up for yourself and he knows you might kick him back out (you should; even in abusive relationships where parties are trying to save the relationship, the professional advice is to separate for a while as the abuser actually rehabilitates and the survivor heals). As you said "You think we should just move back in, and we go back to all of our bad habits?" That is exactly what is going to happen with him living with you again. Unlearning abuse is unlearning their ENTIRE worldview, and that's going to take a 1000000x more time and effort if he's doing that in the same space where he originally perpetuated those patterns.
And I'm sorry, but you are not seeing genuine change. It's just gaslighting and manipulation. He started out by guilting you about his shame and financial situation. Now he's wormed his way back into your home, where he's picked fights (and because they're "not as bad", you're letting his abusive past rule the standards instead of upholding the standards that need met: absolutely no abuse whatsoever) and deepened the trauma bond through sex. Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) goes over this exactly, how some abusers have honed their sexual skills to make themselves seem worth keeping around (see beginning of 'Abusive Men and Sex').
Couples counseling is highly advised against in abusive relationships because it's very dangerous for you. He played nice for one session. Don't mistake that for genuine introspection or change. Change takes years and is a lifelong commitment; for reference, abuser/batterer programs typically run one year in length to help abusers unlearn their abusive mentality.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft was written specifically to help you navigate figuring out if an abusive relationship can or should be saved and how to do it. It is well worth the purchase for you.
Please just be careful and take care of yourself.
Theoretically, yes. Realistically, chances are extremely low. In this case, if he truly changed, he would realize how inappropriate and predatory the age gap is and would never get back together with you.
More info:
Cycle of abuse (apologies alone mean nothing): https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
Genuine apologies: https://pcdcounseling.com/9-rules-true-apologies
Manipulative apologies: https://thescoop.asia/2020/12/11/the-five-telling-signs-of-a-manipulative-apology/
Checklist for genuine change: https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Blueprint for how to know if the relationship can be saved: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=2KNP4IBLCWH59&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1661882647&sprefix=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book%2Caps%2C164&sr=8-4
Understand his mentality: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It's incredibly rare, and an abuser who chokes you is particularly dangerous and unlikely to change. An abuse who chokes you is 6x or 750% more likely to kill you. Choking is the biggest indicator of potential homicide. He stopped because he saw he hasn't normalized choking you enough and that it could be a breaking point for you. He's manipulating you.
Here are signs of genuine change and a guidebook on how to recognize and enforce change, if it's even possible in the relationship.
By the by, many people have had abusers go to therapy. It made them more effective abusers but it didn't make them nonabusive. Abusers need abuser/batterer programs, not therapy. This is because:
- Abusers lie, especially about their abuse. Therapy is reliant on the client being 100% truthful and willing to do the work to change. Abusers often aren't because their abuse benefits them.
- Therapists are human and just as prone to manipulation as the rest of us. Abusers tend to be very effective charmers and manipulators. They often have the therapist believing you're the abuser and they're just reacting to you. Unless a therapist is SPECIFICALLY trained and aware of abusive tactics and abusers, they're generally going to believe their patient, especially if they're charming and/or good at lying.
- Therapy is a generally a supportive and encouraging place. The abusive mentality is ingrained in an abuser's mind. It's their whole worldview. In order to unlearn this, they need to be constantly challenged and confronted on their abuse, not have their hand held and their entitlement encouraged.
There are people out there who will love you in a 100% nonabusive way. Don't waste time on this guy who is a high risk of killing you.
No. Abuse is a choice. It doesn't happen by accident, and it doesn't coincidentally stop either. Abusers abuse because they have an abusive mentality and corrupt morals. Becoming non-abusive is a deliberate - and very difficult, years long - process. Abuse is not caused by mental illness, poverty, misfortune, or anger. Abuse is caused by entitlement and morals that can justify violence and mistreatment and a willingness to dehumanize you (considering you a possession rather than person helps them justify their violence).
Learn more here: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
No, he can't even admit he's abusive. He's just "emotional" and "mentally ill" and "loves intensely". And he's going to just "avoid problems" - first of all, impossible; second of all, unreasonable, that's not how relationships work - conflict happens and there are healthy ways to resolve it; third of all, he was the one creating problems in the first place! Finally, people don't abuse out of love. Love requires respect, you can't abuse someone you love or respect. That is love bombing and honeymooning.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/love-bombing-signs-definition/
https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
Performative. Weak. Lack of accountability.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Please read those for your reference. And listen to them. Do not give them to your abuser. He can use those to more effectively abuse and manipulate you.
Couples therapy is dangerous for abusive relationships. It will not be a safe space for you to confront him over his abuse. In fact, that's one of the dangers of couples counseling. You will feel or be made to feel like it should be a safe space, so you will say things you can't say to him alone. He will most likely use that as justification to abuse or escalate against you.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1
You say you're reading Why Does He Do That?. I think it's Marshall and Jen. Have you gotten to the story where they are on couples counseling and Jen is shamed into opening up, so she talks about the abuse making her unsafe? In the car right after the appointment, Marshall berates her for embarrassing him in front of the therapist and slams her head into the dash of the car several times?
A better use of your time would be working with a DV advocate and/or solo trauma-informed therapist on an escape plan. Once you safe then you may consider confronting him from a distance.
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=2FNPX0CACPICK&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1661111345&sprefix=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go%2Caps%2C191&sr=8-4 Guide on recognizing genuine change in an abuser. The advice to saving or leaving the relationship are both going to avoid moving out or kicking him out and giving yourself a safe space to heal.
It's really rare. These will help you determine how genuine he is and what rebuilding the relationship will entail, which will help you determine if that's even what you want.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
It 100% starts with individual work. He doesn't get to ask you to make sacrifices and trust him. He absolutely needs to sacrifice and prove himself, even if that means letting you go.
He's not changing. He's manipulating you back.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Theoretically? Yes. Realistically? Extremely unlikely.
Please arm yourself with knowledge:
- Why Does He Do That? (free pdf)
- Should I Stay or Should I Go? (book)
- Checklist for Genuine Change (article)
Your pity does not help him, and it helps you even less. It is human. It is kind. It is compassionate.
His abuse is not, and you cannot show any kindness nor compassion for his abuse, or will know he has his way back into violent control.
Please know changing the abusive mentality is to change your entire worldview and perception of your place in it. It is long, hard, difficult, time consuming, unselfish work. Which is why so few abusers achieve it. Unlearning abuse is a lifelong dedication. His default will always be to slip back into abuse. Any time he gets lax or comfortable, he will slip back into abuse. Any time you get lax or comfortable, he will slip back into abuse. Giving him yet another chance means committing to a difficult relationship that will always be steered by him needing to control his abuse and you being willing to confront his abuse. It's not an easy life. It's not a fantastic relationship. There will always be this undercurrent of trauma and fear.
His is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is abusive and feels entitled to this anger.
Persistence is not romantic. If he is ignoring your boundaries, that's straight up abusive.
You are not obligated to give him any further chances, even if he is genuinely changing.
You deserve a safe, happy, healthy relationship with someone you do trust because you can trust them.
It's really rare.
First things first: is he able to admit that he was abusive? Has he detailed the work to you he did to change? Has he apologized for his abusive behaviors? Had he made room for your hurt and fear and been patient in reassuring you?
It is not on you to prove you trust him and aren't scared of him. It's on him to prove to you that he's deserving of trust.
If he's never directly addressed this, then odds are about 0 that he genuinely changed.
If you don't feel safe enough talking about this to him, then the odds of you ever feeling any sort of trust and comfort in this relationship are about 0.
You deserve a healthy and safe relationship that doesn't have abuse hanging over it.
Learn more below:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
No. It is impossible to become non-abusive without first accepting and taking full accountability and responsibility of the abuse, which absolutely means naming it and being open about it. What do you think you'd need to accept that he is abusive and merely waited until marriage to make sure he'd better entrapped you?
Here's how to break the trauma bond. What you're experiencing right now is love bombing, a typical part of the cycle of abuse. It is in no way indicative of genuine change.
How can you trust he'll change if he can't even admit he did wrong and specifically apologize for it? The START of change should be an apology. The apology is proven genuine when he follows through with change.
He isn't apologizing because he isn't sorry. Being ashamed is not the same thing as being sorry.
I just finished See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill, and it had a fascinating chapter on how shame is a deep driver of abuse and rape and how many men react to shame by continuing their violence rather than letting it stop them.
Besides that, you are the hurt party. Your feelings are the feelings that matter first and foremost here. And he's showing he doesn't prioritize or care about your feelings, as he's refusing to give you the thing you're asking for now in the immediate present.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? a guide on if your relationship can or should be salvaged
Yes, abuse causes anxiety, depression, self-hatred, self-doubt, suicidal ideation, fibromyalgia, migraines, PTSD, c-PTSD, chronic fatigue syndrome, borderline personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, etc.
You cannot love the abuse out of anyone. That's the trauma bond speaking. However, you can love yourself enough that you give yourself a chance at recovery - by making a safety plan and escaping.
Your local DV org can help talk you through this more and help you with a plan. They may also be able to help set you up with resources like group therapy or a DV support group you can attend.
Please read Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) to help understand why he does what he does, his so-called "lack" of awareness, and dispel any abuse myths you may be holding onto (like you can fix him even though he's a grown adult making his own choices about how to act and treat you).
Should I Stay or Should I Go? is also specifically geared towards knowing if your relationship can be salvaged and, if so, then how. You can purchase it here.
Here is a quick and dirty checklist for assessing genuine change, but it's important that you back this up with the steps found in the above book. This list is not to give your abuser. It is FOR YOU only. He can use this list to learn how to better manipulate and abuse you.
This is a resource for your abuser. He should also get into an abuser/batterer program or with a therapist specifically trained in working with abusers (that you should check out and approve of) if he's serious about change.
IMO, the best thing to do is to leave. Change is really, really rare because it is so difficult and time consuming.
Please also note you won't be able to even begin healing until after he's far down the line into his change (which could take years). When you're being abused, your brain is in "crisis mode", which means you're living purely for survival. You have not and cannot even begin to process all the trauma and pain you've been through until you are safe and your brain is finally able to relax, which will unleash the floodgates of the true depths of your pain and suffering.
Not only that, but this relationship will be forever marked by the abuse. Not only will he have to be constantly on guard for his abusive mentality, you will as well. It will be so easy for him to relax and slip back into abuse. It will unfairly fall on you to be constantly on guard and willing to consistently call out each and every slip back into abuse he makes. The relationship will be far more work than a healthy relationship where there was never any abuse, for the rest of the time that it lasts.
Whatever you do, make sure you practice prioritizing yourself. Get yourself a trauma-informed therapist. Focus on your healing. Grow your support system. Do not go through this alone.
He's SAID he wants to change but hasn't actually gotten off his ass to do anything to change? Wow, what an upstanding guy. Can spend multiple years abusing you, and now he "understands" it but is in no rush to change. /sarcasm
It's highly unlikely he'll change. Change is a very difficult, time consuming process that can take years, and he will most likely need outside intervention (an abuser/batterer's program or a therapist specifically trained in working with abusers) to achieve. Many, many, many, many abusers manipulate you into staying longer by pretending like they're going to change. Some may even think they are going to change - but as soon as they're forced to confront the shame and guilt they've been suppressing, they back right off and decide it's easier to continue abusing.
So, no. You can't trust him. Even if this is a genuine desire, you cannot trust him. Unlearning abuse is unlearning his entire worldview of how his partners aren't just garbage and possessions next to him and about how he doesn't actually deserve to have everything just handed to him on a golden, diamond-encrusted platter. Change is very hard, and it will require you constantly being on guard to call him out, as even once he's done good work changing, it will be all too easy for him to get complacent and slip back into abuse.
.
More resources for you below. These are for you and you only. They are not to be shared with your abuser. Abusers can use these to learn how to more effectively manipulate and control you.
Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) - understand his mind and how to recognize his tactics
Should I Stay or Should I Go? book - a guide on how to enforce change and if your relationship even can be salvaged
.
Here is a resource you can give your abuser:
Guide for Men Who Are Serious About Changing, Pt. 1
Guide for Men Who Are Serious About Changing, Pt. 2
.
Do know that if you stay, nothing will ever erase the trauma you've been through. Do not neglect your own healing. You need a trauma-informed therapist and/or DV support group and/or to open up to friends/family about what you've been suffering.
This will always hang over the relationship, no matter how long he proves he's changing for. He will always have to prove himself to you. You will be overcome by insecurity, anxiety, doubt, and fear, and it will be his job to reassure you.
IMHO, 2.5 years for a relationship is simply not worth this pain, trauma, and struggle. a 2.5 year relationship is, in the grand scheme of things...pretty minor. Two years is, like, the baseline time to actually get to know who someone is. And he's spent that entire time proving to you that he's abusive.
Walk away. You deserve happiness and security. This just ain't it.
NOOOOOO, PLEASE NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!
What abusers learn from these resources is how to more sneakily and effectively abuse you. They do not magically and suddenly unlearn their abuse or learn sympathy and compassion for you. These books are basically a fast track of what he'll take from therapy: better manipulation tools.
Please talk to a DV org and make a plan with them: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
I'm sorry. I see you trying so hard. Please remember this isn't your problem to fix. He's never going to change if he doesn't want to.
I highly suggest you read Lundy's other book Should I Stay or Should I Go? for an outline of what you can do to A) protect yourself, and B) attempt to force him to confront his abuse.
You're not going to like the advice because it's going to involve showing him he could actually lose you by you leaving or kicking him out. It is important you follow the steps fully and consistently if you have a hope of them working. Sorry. :(
He wants to include you because he's trying to manipulate you to A) slip back into a named relationship with him, and B) make you feel indebted to him and like you owe him similar information. Fact is: you aren't together. You aren't together because he abuses you. He abuses you because he doesn't respect you. Taking to you about his purchases don't change that.
If he genuinely wants to work on things with you, then he needs to A) stop controlling you, and B) accept that for the far foreseeable future, he's lost all right to any say in your life and your choices. This is not a relationship that broke down from mutual unhealthyness. This is a relationship he and he alone destroyed. He has to re-earn trust. He has to earn a spot in your life. Not the other way around.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Links!
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf Particularly the 'Process of Change' section
Apologies mean nothing without genuine change. We all feel stress. Only abusers react to stress by being abusive.
There's nothing for you to do here. This is HIS choice. His behavior. His responsibility to change. It's not your job to learn to adapt to his abuse. It is his job to change and stop abusing you.
You should leave and live somewhere safe. This is the advice whether or not you end the relationship, as abusers need forced to see there are consequences to their actions, such as losing you. More info and resources below.
https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
A necessary component of genuine change is that the abuser makes room for your pain and trauma (they caused long-term damage! If they are staying, they must commit to helping heal that), listens to it, and reassures you. If that's not happening, then you're not seeing true growth. You're seeing manipulation. He's either abusing you in a different way or is lying in wait pretending to have changed and as soon as you show him more trust or a reason comes up that he feels justify his abuse, he'll immediately revert back to his old ways.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf At least read the section 'The Process of Change'
Change in abusers is really rare. These resources can help you.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please also call a DV org and just yourself some emotional support.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
No. It's incredibly rare for abusers to change and he's showing no signs of genuine remorse. You are trapped in the cycle of abuse right now. Trauma-informed therapy and breaking the trauma bond can help you get free.
https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It sounds like they abused and tortured you to the point of "reactive abuse" (a very poor term for "reacting to abuse") and that they plan on continuing to abuse you for as long as you are trapped with them.
https://www.garbo.io/blog/reactive-abuse
https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Get help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
No and not just because change is really rare but because he's obviously love bombing you and because he doesn't respect your boundaries, which is overtly abusive. If he has genuinely changed, why would he resort to manipulating you? It is not cute or romantic to ignore when someone says no. It's harassment and stalking (and even assault in some situations). Because he's the same old abuser. As soon as you show him trust again, he'll revert right back.
Useful links for you to navigate this situation and learn what change actually looks like:
Love bombing: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/love-bombing-signs-definition/
Cycle of abuse: https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
Genuine change checklist: https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Why Does He Do That? (explains his behavior and outlines the Process of Change): https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Should I Stay or Should I Go?: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=1D793GGTRLDLT&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1658437842&sprefix=should+i+%2Caps%2C192&sr=8-4
Here's how to document his stalking in case you need a restraining order at any point: https://www.stalkingawareness.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/SPARC_StalkingLogInstructions_2018_FINAL.pdf
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/
You feel so confused because the honeymoon phase is an extended period of gaslighting.
https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470
Here are genuine signs of change:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Learn more here:
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
"Being nice" isn't enough. Does he fully admit he is abusive? Is he making amends? Are you allowed to talk about how deeply he hurt you?
This is all an act. He's manipulating you. Do talk to a divorce lawyer - that isn't committing to anything. It's just getting information about the process! Information is useful.
It's an act. It takes years to unlearn abuse and usually takes professional help (abuser programs). Learn more below.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You can't find good in this relationship because there isn't any. Please find whatever ways you can to get yourself help. Get into trauma-informed therapy. Attend a DV support group. Call a DV org (they're there for support, too). Report him to the cops any time he gets physical or threatens to. You and your poor child deserve better. (Did you know witnessing abuse is just as destructive to kids as being directly abused? And that partners who hit you are also more likely to hit their kids? And that choking you is the biggest indicator of potential homicide?) You do not owe him any amount of continued trying. It is likely he will go off his meds soon, but even so, he's still abusing you because mental illness doesn't cause abuse - being abusive causes abuse. You do not owe him anything. You owe you and your baby everything. You owe you and your baby safety and prioritization. You and your baby are your job. Not him.
Resources:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf <- great book for opening your eyes and also provides a ton of resources at the end
This is most certainly not normal or acceptable or healthy or safe.
There is absolutely nothing here that shows he even wants to change. It's all just the cycle of abuse. It is all just him abusing you.
Here is how to recognize genuine change. (More and more.)
Please make a safety plan and talk to your local DV orgs (more), even if just for support. You absolutely do NOT owe it to him to stay to "save his life". He's got other options, like hiring caretakers (who will have very strict rules about his abuse!). I know it feels like it, largely because of the trauma bond (more on breaking it) and because abusers act so innocent and helpless, but he doesn't actually need you. And you most certainly don't need him.
Healthy vs unhealthy relationships comparison and relationship spectrum.
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