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Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
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You need to get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
You also need to get a lawyer who has experience with "high conflict personalities" and get your ducks in a row before you make a move.
Your lawyer can best advise you, but going "no contact" if you don't have kids, is often the safest route for you to take.
You need to protect yourself.
It sounds like she is disregulated BPD to me as well. I have some experience with this with two family members with BPD. Let me tell you: this is likely to get much worse before it gets better.
Because she has young children, you need to intervene and beg her to get treatment. But it probably won't go well. She may cut you out, may get violent, may sue you for random things, may attempt suicide.
Offer her the help and the support, but have a zero tolerance policy for abuse or violence. Block her on your phone and on social media after the first sign of it. Document all of your interactions with her.
At the FIRST THREAT of self-harm, call 911 and get her put on an involuntary psych hold. This is your opportunity to get her some help. The threats of self-harm (or actual self-harm) will come when she feels she has no other choices to get you on her side.
Reach out to her husband and offer your support when it comes to the kids. It's awful, but you might have to offer to testify against your sister when it comes to temporary custody in order to keep them safe. Make the best interest of the kids your top priority.
/r/bpdlovedones is the closest reddit support sub, but I suggest bpdfamily.com instead. The reddit sub is more about SOs whereas bpdfamily focuses more on nuclear family members.
Suggest to her husband that he reads "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Even if he doesn't want a divorce, there are some crucial things in that book he needs to know in order to keep himself and the kids safe and together.
Recommended read: splitting it has some great advice for keeping yourself safe from a high conflict unstable person. I wish you the very best and glad you were able to share here.
It’s sounds like you’ve reached a decisive moment. I know that won’t have been easy. I wish you all the best in navigating your way out of the marriage.
You won’t need this immediately but it might help as a reference down the track: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=705bad5e-1f9b-4b73-93c7-35966f6f9c3e
It sounds like you’re trapped. You know she’s badly impacting your health but you love and care for your children too and you don’t want to lose them.
You might already know about this book: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
I know you’re not divorcing but this may still be a useful reference in successfully extracting yourself from that sticky and toxic web:
If you’re willing to put up with the continued compulsive cheating, her packed lunches sound great!
But seriously you seem paralyzed so I hope you find the courage to move on to the next chapter of your life.
This book might be of use if you chose to end it:
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Yup. And then good luck with that ex that has a sense of entitlement. I am into year 4, after mediation, court, .. trial is next.
In my case I am divorcing an ex that has BPD/NPD. These divorces are hell. There is even a book to help https://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
14 years. While in the midst of a very high conflict divorce, the divorce sub suggested Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and there are some tests where he aced with flying colors! It was so, so obvious in hindsight.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
that probably the best resource you can find. when someone threatens self harm in an attempt to keep you close you’re dealing with a mentally disordered person. you won’t be able to fix that person. you won’t be able to reason with that person.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_5A6N8FD99FZBW214D9ZD
My story is super sad.
Even before I read a book called Splitting (see link below)
I read the book and told myself, this will never happen to me. I can manage this. Everything happened and I failed miserably.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_H9F2FT67VTHAC42X7VZY
this book
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_V288FbZD8FKDX
note: I read the book, then told myself none of this will happen to me. all of it did happen to me. take it seriously
I really recommend reading the posts on this sub. We all came here thinking we were the exception. We were not. This is harsh, but you need to protect yourself. I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
If she’s wanting a divorce, it’s going to happen sooner or later. Start keeping documents and messages. Check your tone in text messages. Save all text messages. There are programs that let you download.
pwBPD (persona with BPD can make the divorce very difficult). In my experience, if that person is not willing to make drastic changes it will not get better, only worse.
You yourself may have developed a codependent behavior to make it all work.
There is a great sub: r/BPDLOVEDONES
and there is a book that goes into the challenges.
ps: I read this book, told myself (this won’t happen to me - codependent thinking) and Ive been in the process of divorce for 18 months.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_yFcqFbD8G6REX
I got into his car after 7 months no contact and a Country station was on. That was my lightbulb moment.
I had come to find out about Narcissism because about 3 months prior, we were in the middle of a VERY High conflict divorce and someone on the divorce sub mentioned Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and based on the quiz and examples I realized he was a malignant narcissist. So by the time I had broken NC (huge mistake BTW) I knew about the mirroring and when I heard that music I realized he was mirroring his new supplies and when he was with me listened to my music, but nothing is ever truly him because he is an empty shell. It was a true lightbulb moment.
u/Significant_Cupcake you are doing the right thing by cutting it off now. What you described gave me chills & brought me back to my divorce. Splitting up with someone who can’t be honest when are obvious can have it’s own unique challenges. Not sure how / if your wife fits the NPD / BPD mould, but if she does consider getting this book, it was very helpful for me during my own divorce. Good luck brother.
Get this book. It is really helpful in understanding narc behaviors in court. I am not married but I am keeping an eye on it in case my situation escalates.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
The methadone would have destroyed her teeth. Yeah I get being numb and broke and powerless. It came out wrong sounding, but the context clears it up.
There's a couple of guys here trapped in relationships like this due to kids. She'll never see what she's doing, forget that option. It might be good for you to seek counselling for yourself, PTSD would be normal for you at this point from living with this. The kids will definitely need therapy too.
IMO get out, get the kids out. Reading Splitting perhaps may help you?
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
It's hard with kids. I forget how old yours are? I wonder at what age the kids get to have their own input considered seriously by the court in respect to choosing their custodial parent after divorce? 8 seems old enough to have meaningful input. Did you ever read Splitting?
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Give it a read, you may have more options than you realise, and simply reading it doesn't commit you to anything one way or another, but may provide useful ideas and strategies.
Agreed the kids will go NC with her when they're older, so will you obviously. All the lonely people, where do they all come from? - The BPDs in that equation are the architects of their own loneliness.
I hadn't realized my ex got married. My condolences. RUN!
Let me suggest a book that will help.
I'd recommend a book called splitting by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Additionally if you can find yourself a lawyer conversant in dealing with high conflict divorces, that will be an enormous help.
Start collating evidence of abuses now. Particularly collect written evidence, but also not dates and times of statements such as the one you describe in your post. Exact quotes are always best, note them down when they're fresh in your mind.
I'm in the process of dicorving someone who is mentally ill as well. The book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder really helped put things into perspective (which I had read it beforehand). /r/NarcissisticAbuse/ is another good resource. Protect yourself, things will probably get worse before they get better.
Oh man, that's heart breaking. I am so sorry. Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I've read a lot of positive things about this book from others going through divorce in this sub.
Do you have a therapist? You said that you have had to defend yourself from her defamation, do you have a lawyer? I hope you're not going through this alone. I say this often but I do believe the pain lessens with time. Hang in there. Sending many vibes of positivity your way.
You may post here for advice as well.
I just want to state again before your mind tries to rationalize that your marriage isn't so bad: none of it is okay. You are in an abusive relationship. It is not your fault. Get out of it.
It appears from your description that it is emotional. Has it crossed over to physical? If it has, even once, contact a shelter. They will have resources to help you, including getting a PFA and a lawyer. Your first priority is to make sure you and your son is safe.
I'm not diagnosing your husband, but read this book. I think there is useful advice in there that applies to people in emotionally abusive relationships as to how to prepare and process a divorce, especially the dealing with narcissists parts. http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Find any resource you can, friends and family, to borrow enough money to open a checking account in your name only. DO NOT tell your husband about it.
Get a job, and deposit the funds in your account only.
Then mentally brace yourself for the emotional abuse to get worse. Not all lawyers are corrupt. You can find one that will help you. I divorced my ex and his father was a lawyer and was a DA at one time in our small town. All the judges know us, as did all the lawyers and mediator we worked with, and there was no denial for taking me or bias during my court date.
Post here for support as needed.
> i would take your daughter and leave if possible, but im sure you know that that will be nearly impossible. If I were in your shoes, I would take off and try to start a new stable life for your daughter to be involved in.
No. Let me repeat that - NO. Talk to a lawyer first. If he takes off with her, chances are he'll get fucked for it when it comes to the custody battle in the divorce. Men usually get the short end of the stick in custody cases. If he's had her arrested, there is only a mark on her record if charges were pressed and a conviction was made. Otherwise, her lawyer could try to play the "he hit me, and I was defending myself" argument. Even then, if the history of abuse against him is there, they still might give her some leeway because she didn't abuse the kid.
Consult a lawyer before doing anything. I hate to say this, but request a psych eval, and use it against her in the custody fight. As someone with BPD and is married, this book scares the fuck out of me:
Good luck.
>Either she is a liar or her memory is indeed unstable
OP, this is all classic BPD. Not CPTSD. The conditions overlap but have some really stark differences. Unfortunately BPD is characterized by instability in relationships so this is a remarkably hard problem to be up against in a marriage.
Some mental health practitioners will diagnose BPD as CPTSD to avoid the stigma. But it is an inaccurate diagnosis. Here is a graphic to help you understand the differences.
I'm glad you found Stop Walking on Eggshells - you're going down the right road.
Spend some time on /r/bpdlovedones - you'll get more targeted help there than here.
You should read Splitting to understand your worst-case scenario.
I went through most of this 6 months ago - fortunately my wife only claimed she had or was going to call the police on me, but didn't follow through on that. I absolutely think she would have at some point, and that's the reason I left the home far in advance of it going up for sale.
Overall your list looks good. The biggest upside is once you are out of the house, the threats of her making false accusations (to the police at least) are diminished. The real risk is being alone with her in any capacity.
Audio recordings are good, I made those to protect myself. It helped me process things later as well, to be able to go back and listen to how crazy everything got in that period. And as we went through the divorce process, I continued to record from my pocket, although she knew I had been recording and I didn't lie to her about it when she asked me.
I went through 2 weeks of hell at home, followed by about 3 weeks of her love bombing, hoovering me, and I stayed the course of following through on the divorce - you know, the one she said she wanted in a rage one night, not knowing I already had an appointment scheduled with the attorney. Needless to say, when shit really went off the rails the next night (in my post history if you're curious), I was able to move up my initial meeting to the following day. EDIT: Oh, and forgot, she flipped back and started accusing me again of being threatening, including the night she unlocked a bathroom door to get to me to tell me I needed to leave because she felt scared of me. I video recorded that on my phone, and that was also the last night I was in the home.
Here's my advice.
- Lawyer lawyer lawyer. That is your primary goal right now, talk to the lawyer. I would not recommend any more conversations with the police right now (even proactive) until you have consulted with the lawyer. If the police do get involved, DO NOT TALK TO THEM without a lawyer.
- Keep recording. Good call on backing up, my wife did get into my recorder much later and deleted all the files. I had them backed up online already anyway.
- Lock down every single account you have. Email, social media, banking, etc. Turn on 2 step authentication everywhere you can. Consider closing or freezing your social media accounts once you pull the plug. My wife got into my work laptop on Easter while I was taking our youngest over to see my family. She forwarded herself all the email with my attorney, set up an inbox forward for all my future emails, and then deleted several hundred emails. Fortunately that was the only way I knew she had been in there, and I was able to recover all of the lost messages. When confronted with that action later, she claimed I obviously did it to set her up, she would have no idea how to do anything like that. That started a cascade effect of realizing my wife had no problem lying directly to my face, and caused me to question years of events. Sounds like you've already dealt with this to an even higher level.
- Go ahead and take pictures and videos of your home right now, and again when you leave.
- Make copies / document any financial information in the home. My wife "handled" the finances, and I found out that shortly after shit really started getting crazy she removed all of that from the house. I had access to no information, and numerous accounts that were under her name solely. Including masses of credit card debt, some of which I had no idea existed.
- Journal everything. Dates and times, actions that happen. Do not write these emotionally, you can do that with your therapist. Just list out facts of what exactly happened, without commentary.
- No matter how careful you are, she might very well sniff out the impending abandonment - that's what pwBPD do, even if it isn't there, much less if it is actually happening. Be ready to leave the home immediately, leaving behind your things to deal with at a later time.
- Read the book Splitting. Even though I carefully had my parents buy the book through their Amazon account, and logged in to it on my older Kindle, she went through my things and found it a couple of weeks in. That's how she found out about "BPD or that crazy split personality thing, like i thought she had." I had no fucking clue about BPD until I had already (for the third time in the past 2 years) decided it was really time to leave her. When I read these stories, the lightbulb moment was intense, to say the least.
Now the good news:
- You don't have kids!!! Yay!!
- You don't have to sell a house!! Again, yay!
- You already know she will lie about any and everything.
- There is light at the end of the tunnel. She will not magically change, but in my case we had about 2 months of her being logical and reasonable after going through mediation. Things did flip back to "normal crazy" of course, but in general it isn't as stressful as it was living with her.
- Therapy, meditation, take care of yourself. Be strong, you will have a better life on the other side of this!
I highly recommend that you read the book Splitting
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Expect the absolute worst from her.
There's a book called Splitting that seems to be a recommended read for people prepping for divorce.
I like u/HonestInquiryGuy's idea about figuring out how to make it her idea.
I am sorry you are going through this and I am glad you listened to your instincts to protect yourself and your kid.
He might have a high conflict personality but in any case is indeed verbally abusive and likely has other emotionally abusive traits.
While you make your preparations, have someone get you a copies of (Amazon links, do not click if you are on a device that Amazon is signed into as it shows on its browsing history):
I am in a similar boat, similar age, decision not made, but I have kids. I've talked to a few divorce lawyers to find one I liked over a few months about a year ago, but things got a little better, only for her to reveal she's been lonely for years in our marriage counseling last week.
There are a couple books on this topic that I have found can be helpful. One is called Splitting, but it has to do with borderline personality disorder.
Amazon link I know bipolar isn't the same, but it got me familiar with what to expect and what might happen.
Amazon link This is a general relationship book, which I found useful, since I wasn't aware that our relationship wasn't normal.
Beyond those, I would recommend a personal counselor for you to help you sort out your head, and talk things through. I would also recommend to find a divorce lawyer you like, who will work with you, and is within your budget.
Personally, I think if he is taking this job out of state, and you are certain he knows you're not moving with him, then he's kinda made his choice, I'd say.
Best of luck to you
A book that I've seen suggested quite a bit re divorce is, Splitting
Well consider yourself lucky you don't have any kids with your current wife.
While she is in 72-hr psych hold, do yourself a favor, hire a seasoned attorney and start the divorce process.
You know that it will happen anyway at some later time. It is just a matter of time.
If you start it now (while she is in 72-hr psych hold) you will have a much easier divorce.
If you do not start the divorce process, you'll have a horrendous divorce experience after she gets out.
If you wait, you'll have to go through a huge amount of hurdles that your now-wife will create for you during the divorce. All the issues you'll go through are discussed in this book
I made the mistake of losing my chance to leave my now EX while she was in 72 hr psych hold in 2013.
Now, at the end of 2016, I've spent over $80,000 in over 2 years of legal battles with my BPD/bipolar STBX in a divorce process that she started.
This is after she:
cheated on me several times during the marriage and denied it
flirted with men before me and my parents during the marriage
withheld my kids from me for 4 months post-separation
abandoned me and our 2 kids 5 times during the marriage; she would run off when she couldn't "take it" anymore and she would check into a hotel
threatened suicide in more than 4 occasions
filed for divorce first to gain a legal advantage
bankrupted the community (and tried to get me to pay for 50% of her debt that she accrued secretly during the marriage)
verbally, emotionally and physically abused me at least 5 times during the 7 yr marriage
changed the locks on me and kicked me out 3 times out of the house we rented while I was paying the rent
had me pay for all her crazy decisions by handing me her medical bills, her compulsive shopping bills, all her spending, even the
locksmith bill after she changed the locks to keep me out of the house.had depleted my pre-marriage savings to $0 during the marriage through her compulsive spending
has been supported continually in her lies by her scammer parents
refused to get any psych help and was enabled in her outrageous behavior by her NPD mother
tried to orchestrate a domestic violence scenario and set me up for arrest / felony
repeatedly coached my two kids on what to say to psych evaluator during each of the three child custody investigations that I paid lion's share of
has harassed me endlessly via talkingparents emails since the divorce started; talkingparents is meant for discussions relating exclusively to parenting and kids
has lied in court several times causing me to have to go through monitored visitation and 3 child custody investigations that I've had to pay thousands of dollars for in order to clear my name
has engaged in a distortion / smear campaign in court causing me thousands of dollars in legal defense
has played the victim continually in court
has refused to work (as a retribution / revenge strategy against me, in order to have me pay her support) even though her earning capacity is 120k / annum after a vocational evaluation I had to pay for because she refuses to get a job
has used the kids in court to get money / support from me; they are nothing bug little bags of money to her
continually brainwashes kids; does not care for them the way a normal mother should; inconsistent; volatile; plays mind-games
I regret having kids with her; biggest mistake of my life; my kids deserve a better mom than my ex is able to be to them
more and more crazy crap that comes up the longer I take to think about it.
Look, divorcing a BPD is pure hell. You'll have a much easier time if you don't make the mistake I made and file while she's in 72 hr hold.
BPDs have no shame, they will stop at nothing to see you destroyed after they split.
The ones who refuse to get treatment are impossible to deal with.
Scum of the earth, lowest of the low, should be locked up, not be allowed to operate in normal society or have equal protection and legal rights.
You need to wage total, no-holds-barred war.
The way to get yourself out is to strike first and strike decisively now.
If you’re divorcing her, have you seen this book?
Does BPD/NPD ring a bell? In which case definitely read that book https://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Mediation may just be a waste of money, but worth trying.
I had both the audible version and the paperback versions of these books going through a divorce from my BPD ex-wife who is a lawyer and represented herself in family court.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Workbook-Personality/dp/1572242760
We also had a very contentious custody battle.
The books helped.
Divorce financing from my parents helped. Had to pay it all back after though.
Abuse isn't a battle to fight. It's something you need to escape from immediately.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
Having gone through a divorce with a pwBPD I highly recommend you look into this book written by a LCSW and Attorney.
​
Splitting: Protecting Yourself When Divorcing Someone with BPD or NPD
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
​
You are probably well aware that she does not have functional conflict resolution skills. She's probably a master at convincing others she is the victim. In the past she may have manipulated, used your niceness, and exploited the relationship. She will continue to do this x100 in the divorce. Do not give her an inch because she will expect a foot, then a mile, then an interstate, then well you get where I am going.
​
Hang in there man, it is going to suck but once you complete this process your life will get better!
​
Never wrestle with a pig. You will only end up dirty and the filthy pig will enjoy it
there is a great book called Splitting on amazon.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_49vcDbFC4WN4G
Check out Splitting
Have a look at:
I've never read either of these, I just stumbled across them the other day. I wish had thought about (or knew to look for) such information when I needed it.
I have read:
This offers a lot of insight to understanding a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, but doesn't offer any advice about leaving one.
My ex made my life hell, and that actually ramped up during the divorce and afterwards. She left me, but decided to punish me when I didn't miss her (her actual words, years later). Step very carefully.
Before any of that, get yourself some therapy or a support group. If you are actually dealing with a personality disorder, you need to give special thought to your own recovery. Most people who haven't experienced something like it simply can't relate to your experience. Seek out someone who can.
It is entirely possible you're learned to enable bad behavior, and you'll need to give real thought to how to get yourself healthy. I had no idea how "ground down" I was at the end of my marriage. I was barely human, but kept right on paying bills and taking care of things. There wasn't much of anything left under my responsibilities, just a sad grey ghost.
Anyhoo.... Good luck and be careful.
I read these two books:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/
They helped me understand the experience, understand the mistakes I made and that I'm not alone.
Talk to your friends. The first thing an abuser does is isolate you. Many of your relationships may not be where you want them to be. But you'd be surprised how strong they actually are. The reason I say this is because abusers have a pattern of going after people that are gentle caring people. And this means you have a strong network of friends. Go to them, and talk to them.
Take care of yourself. Make sure other things in your life are the way they want to be. Are you proud of your physique? Are you happy with where your career is going? Are you happy with your accomplishments? You're free from the overwhelming pain of a person that was emotionally insecure and made themselves feel better by putting you down. You are now free to write your own story without that crippling pain, go and write it.
Here is a good resource even though you aren’t going through a divorce. Document everything to show a pattern of behavior as legal systems don’t recognize mental disorders. Use a coparenting app to communicate (our family wizard) rather than telephone conversations so they are documented. Be very mindful of your text, social media , etc as everything is now documentation against you in your case and future cases. Best of luck.
https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
>Knowing my STBXW, she won't admit a mistake but rather somehow try to blame me.
Does she act like this? If so, your insticts are right and this can get very bad indeed. There is a book Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder co-authored by the guy who wrote the first link that can help.
Popular alternatives to Splitting: Protecting Yours...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
