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>walking on eggshells
There is actually a book by that name which I found immensely helpful for dealing with a bad relationship I was in. Even if your situation doesn't involve BPD, the book has a lot of useful advice about setting boundaries and protecting yourself from emotionally abusive behavior. I heartily recommend it for anyone dealing with that.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randy Kreger is an excellent book, regardless of any official diagnosis
Read stop walking on egg shells: [link]
It describes living with a borderline personality disorder partner -which yours sounds very much like in a lot of ways. She has some sort of mental issue, has she ever had counseling / therapy? Either way, even with therapy and medication (which she likely won't stay on, in my experience anyhow) your life won't become livable. Don't wait, start the process now. Perhaps explain to your folks that you hate to cut the visit short, but some things have arisen in your relationship that need to be sorted out, I really doubt if it is news to them. Make your escape plan, then execute it. Get a lawyer, file for divorce, start therapy to get your mind straightened out from all this abuse, get moved out, then go no contact so she can't continue to abuse and torment you.
I'm no psychologist, but it sounds like he has underlying issues that need to be addressed. Acting that angry 100% of the time is not normal. At the very least he should be seeing a therapist who can help him work out his anger issues.
Borderline Personality Disorder is one possibility. See if your local library has this book and see if he fits the descriptions in there. This book was immensely helpful to me when I was dealing with a person like that.
I have a huge history of surrounding myself with people with BPD and bi-polar disorder. Most my family has it(I do not. Yet.) It's not a fun ride sometimes. Sounds like her trauma is pretty recent as u/OKAmores illustrated very well.
But if you insist on continuing to date her then you may need to read this. Be very careful. Continuous contact with these type people takes a special approach as to not pick up their tendencies. I am very wary about it and I now push as many of these people away as I can. It's simply not healthy for some people.
I had a very similar parental experience, as well as a series of nasty foster family situations and I can completely understand where you're coming from. The only thing I can recommend is to consider either limiting contact or no longer contacting your mother. Nothing you can do will make her sane, and being around that type of insanity will do nothing but drag you down with her.
There's a really great book I recently read called Stop Walking on Eggshells about living with family members suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. While your mom may not have BPD, she certainly exhibits quite a few of the trademark behaviors. The book helps a ton with understanding what's going through your mom's head while reinforcing that this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Stay up, youngblood. Things will get better, but possibly only if you stay the fuck away from the crazy.
Several members of my family have read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" in our efforts to support a close family member with BPD. I'm not sure what people in this forum think about it, but we've found it immensely helpful, and very easy to read.
If it hasn't already been recommended to you, grab yourself a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's a great book and gives great advice on how to navigate relationships with BPs.
You can't force her into therapy, but have you considered seeking therapy for your anxiety? It may be helpful for you.
Stop Walking on Eggshells.
This is abusive. Please look into resources to help you.
What you experienced I believe is called “splitting”. It blew my mind too when I first experienced it and was able to self reflect to see what the hell had really happened. It's very common in people with BPD. From wikipedia:
>Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism used by many people. The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).
Both my (soon to be ex) wife and my mother have BPD and I have experienced soooooo much of this and had to try and explain to them that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, good or bad, right and wrong. There can be middle ground and in the case of right and wrong, both people can be right without somebody needing to be wrong. This actually just happened to me yesterday before I went NC with my Nmom. Here's the analogy I tried to use to get her to understand it but it went in one ear and out the other (well, it was a text, but it doesn't sound as good when I say in one eye and out the other, lol). For context, she made it sound as if I was questioning her honesty (and I actually wasn't at all, but welcome to the fun of splitting!). Here's how I explained it, I just copied it verbatim from iMessage and my mention of a recording is because I have tried literally every way possible to explain it.
>I'm not questioning your honesty at all, the reason I came back is because I trust that you aren't doing this on purpose and thus I don't have to run. I'll try and explain it in my recording but I've learned there are several forms of honesty. A person can be honest but still that doesn't mean that what they are saying is true, it's true to the best of of their ability. However that doesn't mean it is the truth to everyone. Here's an example, let's say I was color blind, and there is an orange on the table. Both you and I are there and I say the color of that orange is red. You look at the orange and say that's not true! It's orange! And I say you're crazy because that orange is red. And then the fight ensues. But this example is where you and are getting hung up here. To me, because I am color blind, I am not lying or being dishonest about the color of that orange as I see it. And neither are you because we both have two very different perceptions of reality due to me being color blind and you not. Remember when I said, unhelpfully because I didn't have an analogy to explain it because of how tense things got, that people "split" or think in black and white? Perfect example right here to show you that there doesn't have to be one right person and one wrong one. It is very possible and often is all the time that both people are right. People have very different perceptions of reality and this behaviour occurs when our sense of reality feels threatened.
I've learned to speak in analogies I think due to literally almost everyone in my family having the emotional intelligence of a child. I had read a book on BPD when I first thought I could make it work because I thought my wife WANTED to get better, but nope. The book had said that people with BPD are essentially a child in an adult's body, but with adult consequences and holy shit did knock it out of the park in my experience. My N. grandmother set off a chain reaction to all her kids and even their kids are feeling it. God damn domino effect! Anyways, it was a great book actually and opened my eyes to a lot, if you ever get bored and want to check it out it's called Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. While I'm recommending that and have my past Amazon orders open I might as well recommend The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse as well. Both books I found to be extremely helpful in validating my own experiences.
I will be giving back very soon now that I've went NC just yesterday. I have tossed almost every single person I know out of my life because I saw their true colors shine during this time. I've always said you'll see a person's true colors shine when you need them the most, and I learned that not one other person around me would even come close to doing for me what I would do for them. Assholes. I will be writing a book of my own and sharing it with everyone based on the things I've learned, as well as making self-help videos on YouTube for victims. I have learned some things through my own observation that I can't even find in any literature anywhere because it builds off the research of those who have helped me. Soon it will be my turn to give back and for free as no amount of money can buy the feeling I would get just from knowing that I helped people. A single thank you or expression of appreciation "recharges the batteries" so to speak and I can run off just one person saying or showing that for months at a time because of how badly I've been starved for 31 years. This subreddit has some of the kindest people I have ever met online or in real life and I have no doubts that my time won't go unappreciated because everyone here is like the family so many deserved but didn't get until now. Reading some of the posts can tug pretty hard at the heart strings but moving onto the comments makes me smile. I just want to run around giving everybody a hug and I'm a 31 year old married man, not that it makes any difference but for perspective; the kind of people who are here are very unlikely to judge because the chances are they have been judged their entire lives and can empathize with what it feels like. You guys are all awesome, don't change (unless you want to) :)
Don't take this as a knock but you may need some therapy. I've "read" codependent types seek out BPDs and vice versa. On a lighter note, you probably got some great stories to tell :)
If you don't wanna go full therapy this book looks good > https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004DNXGFQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Honestly, even just being out of that house and down the street would be a huge improvement, because you'd be taken out of an abusive home and living in a supportive one. Imagine having a safe and quiet room in a safe and quiet home, where your parents aren't always just down the hall or outside your door. Yes, you'd still have to interact with your parents, but living away from them would be massively beneficial.
Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? If not, I can't recommend it enough. I have a family member with borderline personality disorder whose manipulative and abusive behaviors have fairly well wreaked my family, and this was the book that helped me the most in learning how to be healthy despite her, and how to make my relationship with her less damaging to me. Get the book at the library if you have to, but seriously, this book is incredible.
As for word potentially spreading at work about your dad: his reputation as a father is completely his own responsibility. If he wanted to be a good father, and wanted to be known as a good father, he would have been a good father. If word spreads at your office or town that you've moved in with your Nan, and coworkers or neighbors start to look side-eye at him and wonder if he's not a good parent, they'd be right to do so. His choices and his behavior are 100% under his own control, and if he gets judged for his choices and behaviors, that's all on him, not you.
Don't protect your father's reputation when he didn't care enough about it to be a good father in the first place. Don't protect your father's reputation by sacrificing your own emotional and mental health. It's not your job to protect your father's reputation; it was his job to be a good father, and he didn't. Your job is to protect yourself, and live your life in the way that makes you as healthy and happy as possible.
I understand the guilt of "abandoning" the person who abused you, the guilt of prioritizing your own health over whatever possible/imagined harms your abuser might come to if you step away from them. Honestly, I still struggle with that guilt myself. But my life (and the lives of the rest of my family) have been so much happier, healthier, and calmer since we set our various limits in place with our borderline family member. Limits are a normal and necessary part of everyday interactions between people; sometimes we just need to set firmer and more distinct limits with certain people--and abusers require the firmest and most distinct limits of all.