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The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD?
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Not sure where you can access it online for free, but I'm using this one, it's available on Amazon used for around $6 plus $4 shipping if you don't have Prime.
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_LDZAyb4TRH683)
BPD comes from a very emotionally sensitive person having their emotions invalidated at a very early age. It doesn't even require the usual forms of abuse, just neglect, but trauma definitely helps it along.
I'd suggest reading the BPD Survival guide if you want to have a better understanding.
https://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Survival-Guide/dp/1572245077/
No need to worry about sounding like a hypochondriac. Of course, I or anyone else who isn't a doctor or professional can diagnose you. And the worst thing you can do is diagnose yourself. If you think that you might have it, I would definitely recommend reading up on the disorder. A book that I HIGHLY recommend is "The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD". You can find it on amazon here: http://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Survival-Guide/dp/1572245077
If you do think that you have it, then I would go see a mental health professional. But there are several things you have to keep in mind if you do decide to seek help. First of all, most professionals wont diagnose you with a personality disorder the first time they see you. It'll usually take weeks and weeks and weeks of seeing you in order for them to make that diagnosis, because it's difficult to distinguish a personality disorder from mood disorders. In fact, some professionals won't even diagnose you with BPD at all, because of the stigma it has. If you have BPD as a diagnosis on your health record, you most likely will experience this stigma first hand from doctors. Some doctors won't even see patients who have the diagnosis (even if the patients are far along in their recovery). BPD is truly a label that has a very negative connotation along with it.
I would definitely recommend reading more about the disorder yourself. Get the book that I recommended for you. Whether or not you have BPD, keep this thing in mind: you are your best advocate.
I can't speak for her, but the only relationship that ever worked for me is the one I've been in for the past 12 years. I had know him for years before he asked me out. Normally I would have run away from the situation, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Now he's my husband.
I finally kept saying yes because he was kind and funny and easy going, and I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He validates everything I say, and makes me feel really good about myself. He is truly my best friend.
All of that's awesome for me, but not so much for him. He gets yelled at for seemly no reason. He takes the blame inside of our relationship for everyone outside of our relationship shitting on me. He gets to have some amazing highs with me, but when things are bad, he's part of that too.
I can't recommend any books from your side of the situation, but a book that has helped me most so far is this one
The only real suggestion I have is, don't let her push you away if this is really what you want. Let her have her space, but always let her know that you are there for her. No matter what she says or does.
I'm sorry to hear moving home isn't an option. But yes, definitely let him know about invalidating environments--this is actually considered something that causes and enhances the symptoms of BPD. So his behaviour is actually just reinforcing (or even causing) your emotional turmoil. That said, your bf's reaction to your BPD behaviour is pretty typical. It's really hard for non-bpds to grasp. If you can get your hands on a copy of this book http://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Survival-Guide/dp/1572245077, it's super helpful when trying to explain the disorder to non-bpds. Also, it's really informative on the topic of invalidating environments.
First of all, late happy birthday! I'm really sorry you had to spend it alone and for all the other things that you've been going through in the last few years. I just read some of your posts/comments and well... I suppose it's fair to say that you are really struggling. But it's also clear from your history that you are full of love and a willingness and great ability to help others. You are lovable, did you know that? Whoever you end up with, they'll be lucky to count with such a supportive and loving individual, even despite your struggles with BPD. I wish I could be more helpful regarding dating, but I've taken myself away from dating for the time being. I miss being with my partner of 7 years so much, so fucking much. But right now dating will only bring more chaos and difficulties that will most likely affect my life and health negatively. I can't deal with more instability. It's 2019, Danidinger, being single at 27, or 29 (my age) is no longer an sentence of singledom. There will be time for dating in the future. I'm telling you this because some of the more recent difficulties you've posted about relate to your dating life and maybe you could also benefit from taking a break from it all, and the instability and drama that dating brings. I don't know you enough to advice you to do so, but I want to leave it there for you to consider because that's what's worked better for me. And trust me, nothing hurts me more to the core of my being than the daily isolation of being alone in this world. But dating at the moment does not make it better, I still feel the pain of isolation, with the added chaos and instability that dating bring.
That said, the main reason why I stopped in your post and really wanted to properly reply is because I've felt the same way countless times, I still do constantly. But I want you to know that, even if we feel that way, it does get better. Like so many of us, I've suffered the worst of BPD and PTSD. The traumas, the constant stream of crisis after crisis, the loss of those I love, the self-harm, problems with colleagues at work, addiction, pushing away my friends, isolation, hopelessness. Trying to end my life. And I still feel all those things, quite often. And yet I can still promise you that it does get better. For example, I've actually been slowly improving during the last few years; slowly, almost without noticing it. I think the painful experiences we go through teach us more than we realise. For example, I'm learning about respecting boundaries because I've seen the consequences of not doing so, driving the most important person of my life to need to leave me for the sake of his own mental health. I'm becoming more patient with other people because I've seen that you lose them if you subject them to unreasonable standards. I've learnt to distrust my rage-induced negative thinking because I've felt inhuman levels of guilt when I come back to my senses. It takes time, but it does get better as you become wiser and more self-aware of your own behaviour and symptoms.
In addition to my own experience, I've read SO MUCH about BPD, from articles and books to the latest medical research, as well as other studies from the last 20 years. You don't have to believe me, just check out what the last decade of studies and research continuously prove and agree on: with age and time, BPD symptoms decrease in severity and frequency. We now know that the outlook of BPD, long-thought to be untreatable, is actually positive. If you are interested of sceptical please do let me know and I can direct you to studies, papers and clinical research from all over the world.
Lastly, without knowing you or your circumstances, I don't think I should attempt at recommending treatments, medications, therapies... however a book that's been really helping me with BPD is https://www.amazon.co.uk/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Survival-Guide/dp/1572245077/. I have a spare copy and I'd be delighted to send it to you as a late birthday present. I'm in the UK as well, so it's no problem at all. Feel free to share your address or that of a near post office where you can go to pick it up.
I hope this helps bring a bit of perspective and comfort. Just keep going, one day at a time. Don't give up, you won't regret it.
The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide by Alexander L. Chapman and Kim L. Gratz
I could have written this. From the wrong diagnosis to not knowing where to start. You’re not alone.
I use an antidepressant but also supplement with B vitamins to help with the mood swings. After my diagnosis I got on Amazon and bought The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245077?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf and Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder: Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608825655?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf- they have been incredible resources for me. DBT, a form of behavioral therapy has been proven to help with BPD - I’m not seeing a therapist but practicing mindfulness has helped me get through those intense anger episodes.
I hope this helps
Read a bunch of them, The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide is my fave: http://www.amazon.ca/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Survival-Guide/dp/1572245077
You can check out these books:
https://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Survival-Guide/dp/1572245077/
https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/
(You can find them cheaper on used book sites.)
If you do decide to be with him, knowing how to is essential. Largely it comes down to very strict boundaries
Suggested:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books. If applicable, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have one or more of the four forms of BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from what was pretty florid BPD 20 years ago, with severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
I got sick and tired of being a mess. I took action. It was my choice and no one else's. But it took nine long years to make that choice. I made a lot of other messes during those nine years. Good luck to you.
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
SWOE is really long in the tooth now. Not "bad," but far from current. I work with BPD pts, and recommend Alexander Chapman & Kimberly Gratz's <em>The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD</em> as the initial go-to, but also suggest looking into these authors because they all understand the upshots of having been stressed for too long, including underlying complex PTSD which is what most people with BPD have under (and causing) the BPD: Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Patricia Ogden, Ronald Kurtz, Laurence Heller, Bruce McEwen, Sonya Lupien and Robert Sapolsky. The real experts treat the C-PTSD now. <em>Accurate</em> information is power.
With respect to what else you wrote, I can suggest the following as major sources of such empowerment:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from what was pretty florid BPD 20 years ago, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
Before you can "save" them, you need to prepare yourself.
1) Read this page on the four types of borderlinism and this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those four types and five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books. If applicable, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have one or more of the four forms of BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from what was pretty florid BPD 20 years ago, with severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
The psychic pain the BPD pt has is gawd-awful. And they will -- as Edward Khantzian explained so many years ago -- try to "medicate" their way out of it one way or another. Sex & romance addiction is one of those pain-distracting "medications."
Before you can "save" them, you need to prepare yourself.
1) Read this page on the four types of borderlinism and this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those four types and five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books. If applicable, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have one or more of the four forms of BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
12) Neuroleptic medications are very often (though not always) helpful for BPD, especially for the second, third and fourth types. "Discouraged" BPDs may do better with anti-depressants, but I say "may" very advisedly because of the rapid switching from sympathetic to parasympathetic pitch in the ANS that is so common among all borderlines.
I have myself recovered from what was pretty florid BPD 20 years ago, with severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
I got sick and tired of being a sex-&-romance-addicted mess. I took action. It was my choice and no one else's. But it took years to make that choice. I made a lot of other messes in the interim. Good luck to you.
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
Drama, drama, drama. The hallmark of BPD. So...
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
12) And prepare to raise the result of this pregnancy, because observation of over a hundred of them since 1987 makes it clear to me that a treatment-resistant, late adolescent BPD pt will neither put up with another child in her life for long, nor make a reliably patient, empathic, compassionate and soothing mother.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
IF your husband has BPD, I suggest the following:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from what was pretty florid BPD 20 years ago, with severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
My standard rundown for the partner of the BPD patient:
Before you can "save" them, you need to prepare yourself.
1) Read this page on the four types of borderlinism and this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those four types and five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books. If applicable, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have one or more of the four forms of BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
page one of two
Have been working with BPD pts since well before the year that ended in 000. When I read about internal and external locus of control in a more advanced level of schooling in 2004 or so, I was immediately aware of how it applied in all of the DSM Axis II personality disorders. In BPD, its the bedrock of the flip from the learned helpless and "discouraged" type of BPD to the over-defended "petulant," "impulsive" and/or "self-destructive" types. The former has an almost entirely external LofC; the latter are over-ardently internal; in the case of the self-destructive type, to a psychotic extent.
With respect to trying to help your relative...
1) Read this page on the four types of borderlinism and this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those four types and five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books. If applicable, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have one or more of the four forms of BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
page one of two
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
One may encounter a lot of hostility on a forum like this where so many of the participants are understandably angry about having been regularly ignored, abandoned, discounted, disclaimed, and rejected -- as well as invalidated, confused, betrayed, insulted, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, dumped on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused -- by others upon whom they depended for survival in early life. Such people can -- like myself for many years -- be expected to transfer their rage onto others who trigger it. That said, here are some suggestions:
1) Read this page on the four types of borderlinism and this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those four types and five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books. If applicable, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have one or more of the four forms of BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
page one of two
"She doesn't seek actual help and is very distrustful of all therapists."
Which suggest that her mind is still at the first of the five stages of therapeutic recovery. Such people will very often try to draw others into a Karpman Drama Triangle of rescuing, persecuting and victimizing. (Forewarned is forearmed.)
IF she has discussed suicide and has a specific plan, you will do best to take your cell phone outside and call 911 to get her forcibly taken into protective custody and possible treatment. She may resent you for doing that now, but later on...
Recommended for you and your other roomies, because being thus informed will make you all far more helpful to her:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about her, seeing where she is among those five stages. (You should come away from that knowing what your "chances" are.)
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and her.
4) Learn about emotional blackmail.
5) Bone up on reactive attachment disorder.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area.
7) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and read it about you and her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting complex PTSD, and that the best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for BPD & complex PTSD. She can find people in your area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help, but she should not try to do this on the cheap.
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about him or her, seeing where your former partner is among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and him or her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and him or her, and your partner's other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those he or she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as your former partner struggles with -- and seems to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and him or her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what he or she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that he or she may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. He or she can find people in his or her area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise your former partner not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, he or she may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire his or her limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
Get her IN to a tx facility ASAP. Use this to find one. She will have to be thoroughly detoxified first and then moved into treatment for her underlying C-PTSD.
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about the other party, seeing where they are among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and them.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and them, and them and their other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of those who were invalidated, insulted, rejected, disclaimed, criticized, judged, blamed, embarrassed, humiliated, victimized, demonized, persecuted, picked on, bullied, scapegoated, and/or otherwise abused by others upon whom one depended for survival in early life.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as they struggle with -- and seem to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and them.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what they do or do not do.
9) Come to understand that they may (we do not diagnose here) have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing their "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. They can find people in their area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise them not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, they may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire their limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
While one cannot diagnose second hand, much less from this distance, one can make suggestions, and I will... because I have encountered pretty much what you describe on several occasions. The children of hyper-moralistic but duplicitous families tend to grow up hyper-moralistic and duplicitous. They are often split into two minds, one being very concerned about the appearance of being morally proper, because they were in-struct-ed, programmed, conditioned, socialized and/or normalized to beliefs, values, ideals, principles, convictions, rules, codes, regulations and requirements about how one should / must / ought / have to be seen by others here. But over there, they were equally in-struct-ed, programmed, conditioned, socialized and/or normalized to standards of conduct that were 180 degrees opposite of the other conditioning... and there is nothing in between. It is one way... or the other.
This kind of conditioning was identified well over a century ago by Freud and Bleuler, but Freud got in a large pot of very hot water for writing about it, and got in another one for recanting his previous work. Nevertheless, later clinical observers like Theodore Lidz, Gregory Bateson, Jay Haley, Don Jackson, Jules Henry, Ronald D. Laing and Aaron Esterson witnessed and wrote about the same things... but their books were aimed at other professionals. Andrew Vachss's, Alice Miller's and Judith Lewis Herman's were aimed at much larger audiences, and when their books flew off the shelves in the 1970s and 1980s, all hell broke loose. (You can, and probably should look into all of these people.)
My ex-wife is the daughter of a deceased, very big-time, television evangelist's favorite minister of music. He looked (and sounded) so good on the tube. He used his two girls as sex toys off stage. And drove them both into severe cases of flip-flopping, "I am so good" here and "I am so bad" there borderline personality disorder and the even more extreme dissociative identity disorder that mangled their lives... and confused the bejesus out of a legion of suitors and spouses.
I will make two suggestions:
A) Because the odds of motivating such people to see, hear and otherwise sense their minds are very low, it is usually best to go to some ACA, EA and CoDA, and maybe even SIA meetings to to get a clear picture of what one is up against, as well as some tools to deal with it. I would do that and exit the relationship gracefully.
B) But if one sees some actual ray of light at the end of the tunnel, one can...
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about her, seeing where she is among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and her, and her and her other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as your wife struggles with -- and seems to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that she may have BPD and/or DID as coping systems for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors of CSA. BPD and DID are sets of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat... though in your friend's case, it seems that she has found the DID style of "emotion regulation" that people with BPD do not have.
10) If and when she becomes stressed enough to lose her DID integration and slips down into BPD dis-integration, she will pretty likely need a course of DBT. DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. She can find people in her area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise her not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, she may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire her limbic emotion regulation system.
PLEASE see the addendum that follows.
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about her, seeing where she is among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and her, and her and her other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as your wife struggles with -- and seems to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that she may have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. She can find people in her area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise her not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, she may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire her limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
Suggested:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about him, seeing where he is among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and him.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and him, and the other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those he must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as your brother struggles with -- and seems to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and him.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that she may have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing his "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. She can find people in her area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise him not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) To truly scrape out the bottom of the bucket of C-PTSD, one can get into EMDR, SEPt, HBCT, SP4T and NARM, which are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, he may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire her limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
Strongly recommended:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about her, seeing where she is among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and her, and her and her other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as your wife struggles with -- and seems to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that she may have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. You can find people in your area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help, but don't try to do this on the cheap.
11) EMDR, SEPt, BCP/MCSP, SP4T and NARM are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, she may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire her limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, BCP/MCSP and NARM in the fourth.
Strongly suggested for him:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about himself, seeing where he is among those five stages with regard to having been programmed, conditioned, socialized and/or normalized into his own, culturally "standard" reactivities.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and him.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and him, and both of your families of origin.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those he or she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in his area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that he will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as he struggles with his own fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and him.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for his own sake, regardless of what you do or don't do.
9) Come to understand that you may "use" BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. As you probably already know -- and he needs to understand -- BPD is a set of dysfunctional (but understandable) coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing one's "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) You're probably already hip to this (but for him, and the lurkers who may not be), DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. He can get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ.
I have myself recovered from BPD with both compensatory narcissistic and avoidant features, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
Had I known half the stuff I just ran down here, I'd probably still be married to the really nifty woman I was married to when both of us were struggling with the upshots of our abusive childhoods.
I hate to be discouraging, but the odds are really against relationships surviving when BPD is involved... UNLESS... the partner becomes highly educated and cleared of his own issues.
For the partner of the Borderline:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about her, seeing where she is among those five stages. (You should come away from that knowing what your "chances" are.)
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and her.
4) Learn about emotional blackmail.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder about you and her.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not.
7) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and read it about you and her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting complex PTSD, and that the best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for BPD & complex PTSD. You can find people in your area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and other websites that remind them of the four basic tools for dealing with BPD, but don't try to do this on the cheap.
I also recommend this book for borderline. The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_LPt3xb0AN14TA
Hi,
BPD is an illness at the end of the day so if you do have BPD tendencies, you have tendencies of an illness. This means that it's not your fault. You didn't ask for it. I would say just give him the facts. The facts can be found online, however, be careful as there are a lot of sites that have been made by people who have a BPD ex and went through a tough time and have decided to basically make a website bashing BPD sufferers as a result. Look at mental health charities websites. I am in the UK so these are UK examples:
http://www.rethink.org/diagnosis-treatment/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder
I have read many books on BPD and I would say a good starting point is the 'Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide.'
Welcome to the modern world. Here's a rundown of suggested actions to get into to take care of you so that you can take care of your children:
1) Read this article on the five stages of recovery about her, seeing where she is among those five stages.
2) Read this article on the patterns & characteristics of codependency about you and her.
3) Read about the Karpman Drama Triangle about you and her, and her and her other, original family members.
4) Learn about family secrets and the emotional blackmail used to protect them, because it is typical in the childhood families of adult survivors.
5) Read about reactive attachment disorder, because it is usually what the child acquires when abused by those she must depend upon to survive.
6) Look for CoDA meetings in your area and go to six before making a decision to continue or not... because it is likely that you will need to know about psychological boundaries and how to raise and lower them appropriately as your wife struggles with -- and seems to flip back and forth from -- fear of abuse here and fear of abandonment there.
7) Look over these books, pick one or two, and read it about you and her.
8) Look over this link to this book, get the book, and work through it for your own sake, regardless of whether or not she has BPD (it can be induced by medicine and hormone changes), as well as what she does or doesn't do.
9) Come to understand that she may have BPD as a coping system for the C-PTSD that is typical among adult survivors. BPD is a set of dysfunctional -- but understandable -- coping mechanisms for untreated child abuse and resulting C-PTSD. The best psychotherapies for it are those that understand the causes resulting in and physiological conditions of a shredded autonomic nervous system no longer capable of managing her "fight-flight-freeze" response to perceived threat.
10) DBT is the current gold standard for managing the emotions and behaviors that come with BPD & complex PTSD. She can find people in her area who know how to administer it through Behavioral Tech, and even adjunct therapy workbooks like these. One can also get a lot of support from DBT Self-Help and organizations like DBT-NJ, so dig around for them online, but advise her not to try to "get well" on the cheap.
11) EMDR, SEPt, BCP/MCSP, SP4T and NARM are the most widely research-supported therapies for the causes of BPD and C-PTSD. In time, she may need one of more of these to clean up the lingering residues and rewire her limbic emotion regulation system.
I have myself recovered from BPD, severe anxiety, compensatory mania, suicidality and other upshots of complex PTSD by using Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing in the fifth stage of my recovery, as well as REBT, collegiate critical thinking, several of the CBTs including CPT and schema therapy, EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, SEPt, HBCT, and NARM in the fourth.
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