What is Reddit's opinion of Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

Well, the bad news is that you’re injured, the good news is you can heal.

There’s a great (relative to this subject matter) book called The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog that describes how not just the addition of trauma but the subtraction of necessary love and affirmation results in concrete, observable differences in brain structure and activity. The author, trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry - along with many other researchers in this field - also talks about the brain’s plasticity, or it’s ability to change (i.e. heal) across the lifespan of given the proper environments and stimuli.

If all those smart people are right, then you’ve got a broken wrist and that both impacts what you can do right now and in no way makes you less a person, a man, or tough/resilient/etc.

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog is by a child psychiatrist, and details stories from his career and research conducted during during that time, as scientists began to learn about the physical development of the brain and what role attachments/early experiences play in forming our minds. There's some horrific stories in there about kids and teens who suffered tremendous trauma. Each case was a keystone "aha!" moment for this psychiatrist, who ended up assisting in research and changing how the scientific community thought about child development, attachment, and the way children need to be treated in order to form a healthy relationship with society. I'm reading it now and almost through, and it has been a huge eye-opener for me.

I think daycare is a good idea. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to you and your husband. It should be a wake up call for him.

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog

It’s beautifully written, easy to digest vignette overview of different types of developmental trauma and it’s effects on children. Especially the chapter about the boy who was left alone in the crib for most of the day by a nanny. It’s also available as an audiobook.

Your husband probably needs therapy to deal with his childhood, otherwise he will continue to struggle as a parent and will pass on his trauma onto your child. Things get harder; not easier as children grow up.

Reading books on Trauma Parenting is really important as well. Reality is, your child, whether adopted or biological, will probably need it at some point. But 99.9% of adopted children need it.

Start with books like Connected Child and Connected Parenting. Understand the child's perspective. Once you have that basic understanding, it's nice to get the perspective of the more complex with books such as https://www.amazon.ca/Boy-Who-Raised-Psychiatrists-Notebook-What/dp/0465094457/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=62636581098&gclid=CjwKCAiAzrWOBhBjEiwAq85QZ5HKO2D97UntW80jVwahRDuAiikNbmH8tA54jpEd1w3ACGAEjbEYzxoCvTwQAvD_BwE&hvadid=310044115595&hvd...

here is a correct link to buy the book on amazon.

Yes, of course! Some of this advice assumes you are in the US.

To adopt a kiddo from foster care you actually need to become a licensed foster parent. The requirements vary from state to state, but you typically need a bit of training (we had 24 hours, plus CPR/first aide). You’ll also need to get a “home study” done which is basically a big report about you, your spouse/SO, any kids, pets, where you live, what kind of space you have available, and the kinds of placements you are willing to accept.

You can likely find out more info by googling “becoming a foster parent” and your state / county.

It’s a long process. It took us a year to get licensed and another 5 months to get placed with a pair of siblings. And then another year to finalize the adoption.

Unfortunately, kiddos are in the system for a reason. Typically they have been exposed to combination of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, extreme poverty, and so on. The system likes to say these kids have PTSD, but it’s very different from adult PTSD. Often times, the abuse and neglect play out over long periods of time, resulting in chronic developmental trauma. The physical stress of living through these situations for long periods of times literally impacts the brain structures. There have been studies that prove this out.

What this means is these kids are hard. They can push you and your spouse to your limits and beyond. They act out. One minute they love you. The next they are chasing you around the front yard with a wreath hanger trying to kill you. (Yes, that happened). Therapy, med checks, IEP meetings are all common. Psychiatric hospitalizations and police involvement are not uncommon. Making and sustaining peer relationships may be incredibly challenging. The list goes on.

They It’s also really important that you and your spouse are on very solid ground relationally. The first couple of months of a placement are referred to honeymooning. Generally things are going ok. No major behaviors. You feel like a proud and accomplished foster parent. However, in reality the kiddo is just too stressed out and terrified to act out. Once they begin to relax and feel safe in your home, the behaviors can escalate.

This is often in inflection point for many placements. I know of a couple that were placed with an 11 year old with a severe history of reactive attachment disorder. The foster parents were in their early 30s struggling with fertility issues. There were no notable problems during the first 4 months of the placement. But the placement disrupted because the foster parents under estimated the challenge of what lied ahead. It all recently came to ahead just a couple days after Christmas where the now 12 year old got physical with both of them, charged them with scissors, and then climbed on the roof to escape. Terribly sad and tragic for all involved.

I also have some books I recommend.

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook -- What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465094457/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_zCD8FbM46HC3Q

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors https://www.amazon.com/dp/0977704009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_sED8FbDXNPKAT

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_4ED8FbQQQ8TC0

These all personally impacted me very deeply. There are undoubtedly many other books I read and other books with valuable things to say about trauma and abuse and resilience.

There are many ways you can get involved without going whole hog too. You can volunteer at a residential treatment center. You can become a respite home. You can become a mentor.