Well if you really need some help on a budget, I would at least look into some reputable therapy workbooks on Amazon. It's harder without knowing a diagnosis but you might want to look into a DBT or CBT workbook that is designed to help you work on your own. DBT and CBT have had very positive results on borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety and other related mental health disorders. Generally they are used as supplemental tools with a clinician but I would say that it is better than just having to figure everything out on your own.
Do you have access to therapy? I was hoping that quitting drinking would solve my depression, but guess what? It didn't! But it helped me recognize more clearly the areas of myself that I needed to focus on. If you can see a cognitive behavioral therapist, that would be my top recommendation. If not, my next best recommendation is the The CBT Toolbox
Work the book one page at a time. Seriously. It helps you identify your obstructive thoughts and how to move past them. The combination of seeing my progress each day/week/month and being proud of myself for getting through each day without drinking did a lot for me. Over time I became thankful for the work, built my self esteem, and the depression slowly lifted. I went from hating life to being full of gratitude and feeling positive about the future for once.
I can relate to the way you are thinking about things and let me tell you, it certainly does get better. But, only if you are willing to put in the work and go to therapy. You need to find someone to work through your thoughts with you. It sounds to me like you have a lot of cognitive distortions, or obstructive thoughts. You need to work on reframing those to be constructive thoughts and put the thoughts aside that aren't constructive to your life. This takes time and for me, it took someone explaining the process and working with me on it. Here's a great book that can serve you well if you're willing to be honest with yourself. https://www.amazon.com/CBT-Toolbox-Workbook-Clients-Clinicians/dp/1936128306/ref=sr_1_9?dchild=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwjdOIBhA_EiwAHz8xm5TCIM0OmuNAY3UUTU1RhfOm4voMbKSWdWaWnS5DDtjFCTrhIpFNZBoCr34QAvD_BwE&hvadid=241604398928&hvdev=c&hvlocphy...
You can do this if you really want it, and life is worth it. Don't let that voice in your head tell you otherwise, it's not real. Your feelings are valid but those thoughts are not. It's hard to find a good therapist but they are out there. I share the same concern as you about going on medication and have been able to see drastic improvements without taking any medication.
There is a great workbook my therapist was copying sections out of for me, and I ended up buying the whole book for myself. I find it very helpful because there are tons of worksheets in it that you actively do, it’s not just lecture based info.
The CBT Toolbox: A Workbook for Clients and Clinicians https://www.amazon.com/dp/1936128306/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_lJv.BbGM7ZW9S