[Disclaimer: I am not a Christian myself, though I was brought up in a very Christian household and was affected by the Christian doctrine]
Religion and narcissism can murk things fast, especially when the principles of forgiveness and “honor thy parents” clash with the fact that your dad doesn’t provide the safe haven for you to explore your own faith.
I don’t have real advice, as your experience seems to be a real exercise in clarifying your Christian faith in the narcissistic environment. It takes time to draw the line.
However, I recommend this book: The Christian's Guide to No Contact: How to End Your Relationships With Narcissistic, Psychopathic, and Abusive Family and Friends, and Still be a Good Christian https://www.amazon.com/dp/1546336664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_aH07Fb0MNQ14J
There are more books like this one, though this one uses the Bible to support your personal experiences and to give you the peace of choosing how to respond to your father.
I hope this helps a bit!
Bro. I am sorry you're in this situation. Mine was not exactly the same, but feeling like a third wheel and afterthought concerning your wife and son is the result of emotional terrorism. It seems like you're very much out of the fog (although I'm sure you've insulted your wife more than once haha, but I get it that you're saying you don't steamroll over her desires).
If you're like me, your situation is hitting your breaking point. You've taken enough abuse to know this isn't normal, or okay, but the person enabling it doesn't give a damn. Because she thinks it is normal and okay while she has an emotional affair with her mom. That leaves you with the unpleasant task of trying to wrestle their control out of your wife in a situation where they "have all of the advantages".
This won't get solved overnight. You can either lawyer up, bail now and try to share custody, or you can go for the win and try to overcome 1-2 JN emotional terrorists. I'd humbly suggest that you are not in a marriage now but a warzone. Your love and honor alone will not keep the marriage alive. Your war is a noble one, to keep your wife and child from being enslaved by her evil parents. Do not see them as loving people anymore, but masterful con artists incapable of loving and sucking the life force out of your wife for their own pleasure.
You at this point should be an expert on your wife. How does she make decisions, what truly convinces her? You have a lifetime of manipulations to fight against so you need to systematically disarm them as much as possible to make her capable of seeing the truth, that her parents don't have her best in mind. Mentally list each attack method to destroy their credibility. Part of their credibility is keeping you down, so look for ways to break down their ways to hone in on your weaknesses. You being a kick-ass man makes you a viable candidate for her to not need to be too afraid to leave parents. Chances also are, that the JNs may be impulsive or have a history of poor decisions that you need to tactfully bring up to your wife to lower their credibility for future decisions. Why give control over to foolish people if they are in stupid debt, can't hold down a job to save their life, had a kid run away, have a criminal record, etc.? Create the foundation that they are not brilliant safe people, but deceptive wicked people. You should also use other means like books if you both enjoy reading. Out Of The Fog is a great tool.
I know church is a weird thing to bring up on Reddit but if you all go to the same church, that is a big source of control. Find your own church, and read religious books that advise boundaries or no contact. This is a great book if you are Christians, as well as Boundaries. Also consider spiritual leadership that are for leave and cleave. If she can spiritually feel her parents are bad people, that is a big win.
Counseling that advocates for leave and cleave is very good. Find a good one that isn't under the control of your in laws. This is a hugely valuable source for her to compare what is normal and okay, and what is her entire life under the cruel JNs. I must warn you, that is like opening Pandora's box and you will uncover the must fucked up things imaginable that were previously "normal". Try to avoid making her defensive if you do couple's counseling. Stick to the problems/content in a safe enough way that she can re-think her world.
Do you also have friends that are healthy who don't support the in laws? Start seeing them more. Like every other week. Make the JNs seem like weird-ass people and your friends like people who actually know how to love others. Bonus points if they have gone LC or NC and can help guide you. Unofficially, of course! Extra bonus points if she feels her parents are so weird, they aren't very safe for your child to be around. That is critical to making her own parental instincts reject them as a surrogate husband. You are THE HUSBAND and if your plans go well, the JNs will have zero influence on your family unity. Stop avoiding the bad things about her parents. If you don't plant the seeds that they are awful people then who will, especially if she is only around them?
Yep, babysitting is a huge method of control from the JNs. Fire her mother and hire someone else that you trust around your family. Use a sob story if needed like "ol' Martha on social security just needs a few extra bucks, is a retired teach and CPR certified, etc." You are no longer the passive observer of utterly fucked up boundaries, but now the planner and enforcer of disarming their many methods of control.
Be warned, eventually your wife will have to make a choice and she may not choose you. Your job is to give her the highest chance of choosing you, and when you look back you think to yourself "I did everything humanly possible to stay together with her. There's not a rock I didn't turn over or a long term strategy I didn't try". Consider yourself fortunate, you probably have some time to enact multiple plans of attack, and if the JNs are as arrogant as they seem they won't see it coming. Take advantage of your time, and your deep knowledge of your wife.
Best of luck to you bro. Read my posting history if you'd like to hear how my war went.
That’s great you’re getting in touch with your gut instincts and recognize they’re there for a reason. It sounds like you’ve suppressed a lot of your true self, voice and thus anger due to your parents. For me it wasn’t until I distanced myself from my parents and started working on myself, journaling, reading books, blogs and watching videos on narcissistic abuse where I got in touch with a lot of my anger. It’s almost like you need to distance yourself first before you can start seeing anything clearly. Educating myself on narcissistic abuse helped me get angry as well.
How much in contact are you with your parents currently? Do you have a spouse that is supportive?
I don’t know specifically what will work for you but I’ll share what worked for me.
What worked for me was to go LC, VLC then eventually transition to NC (instead of NC cold turkey). VLC gave me enough distance to realize that even having minimal contact with my parents was exhausting and stressful. I still had anxiety because they were still in my life and even though it was minimal contact I could not get peace of mind.
I didn’t get in touch with my anger until about 6-7 months into VLC when I began educating myself on narcissistic abuse, reading books and blogs, etc. The distance from VLC gave me some space to be angry without backlash and reflect on my abuse (something my parents would never allow) which gave me the strength to finally go NC. It’s almost like you’re mentally chained when in contact with toxic parents and you need the distance to help break the bondage.
If you’re the scapegoat then reading about that and journaling about your own experience can help you get in touch with your anger as well. Maybe a validating therapist who is trauma trained and knows about narcissistic abuse will help you as well. Make sure they’re validating though as many therapists are not.
A couple resources that helped:
The book that started the NC journey for me was “The Christian’s Guide to No Contact.” This helped me work through my guilt (which you can imagine Christians who cut their parents out of their lives feel) tremendously. I’ve heard many non-Christian’s and atheists find the book helpful too. Here is a link to the book: The Christian's Guide to No Contact: How to End Your Relationships With Narcissistic, Psychopathic, and Abusive Family and Friends, and Still be a Good Christian https://www.amazon.com/dp/1546336664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_41bQAbNC5Y6J7
She also has a blog “Luke 17:3 Ministries” that has helpful info on NC. It’s not visually the best but the content is pretty good http://www.luke173ministries.org/
Shahida Arabi’s blog “Self-Care Haven” and books on narcissistic abuse helped me as well. When you learn about their manipulation tactics it’s almost hard not to get angry. I enjoyed the book “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare.”
YouTube channels like Narcissism Survivor are good too. Here’s a video on narcissistic grandparents: https://youtu.be/t7RIl4SyFP
I’m not sure what will work for you and I can’t pinpoint exactly how I got back in touch with my anger, but I hope the above resources are helpful to you. For me it really was going NC where I started finally getting my self-respect back which also gave me strength to make wiser decisions for myself instead of putting others’ needs before my own. There are a lot of lies we believe when we’re in relationship with toxic people, and separating ourselves first is sometimes the best way to see the truth.