Hey OP. I completely understand how you are feeling. I have wondered the same thing about my Nmom -- and the signs point to willful ignorance, for me and for you. How much more obvious did it need it be???
It is disgusting how they put their own needs (the need to have a partner and not be alone) over the wellbeing of their children. If you aren't already, I hope you can work with a therapist whenever it is accessible to you to help you with the damage all of this caused you. In the meantime, a book that I can recommend is called The Courage to Heal.
Hugs if you want them, OP. <3
So relatable. Most of the time I feel lost and like I'm just flailing around not accomplishing anything. I sort of thrive on checklists or step-by-step direction and processing my CSA has been the exact opposite of that. I bought this book: The Courage to Heal. It's taking me a long time to get through, but I think maybe it's helping? I started journaling. Like, if I could get all the swirling thoughts down on paper, maybe my brain could make sense of them and move on? Sometimes I think it helps. One day at a time sometimes feels impossible when you're just trying to get through each minute.
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335
Oh, this used to be me. You need to have a talk about this with your partner. Your ability to the say no is hugely important to your healing. Otherwise you keep having sec you don’t want, which to your body and brain is the same as abuse/rape. I had to practice when I met my husband to start saying no. It changed the meaning of sex to me. I now consider it making love and it is a beautiful thing.
Talk to your partner and find a safe word like bdsm practioners use. Say it and he’ll know it means you don’t want to. You need to learn how to listen to your body’s cues so that it starts to trust that the abuse is over and you can heal. Once you’re healing and in touch with your emotions you will enjoy the lovemaking much more and your libido might go up.
The courage to heal is a book that helped my husband and myself tremendously with this.
Courage to Heal is a classic book for adults recovering from childhood sexual abuse. There is a good workbook that goes together with the main text. Here's a link to Amazon. Looks like you could get both books for under $40, maybe less if you get used copies. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476304590&sr=8-1&keywords=Courage+to+Heal
I'm really glad you are seeing a specialist. It's really important. Not that there aren't many good therapists doing good work, but what you need is specific.
Please feel free to ask any other questions!
Hi, I'm an allosexual with a high sex drive, exiting a marriage with a sexual mismatch.
There are two relationship-destructive patterns to stay on the lookout for:
The first is harming yourself by agreeing to sex that you do not want. This is especially relevant if you have sexual trauma in your past, and/or are sex repulsed now. In these situations, you can (re-)traumatize yourself by following the "Just do it" mantra. If you have outsized emotional responses to the sex act with your partner, those are likely to be emotional flashbacks to previous elements of your sexual history.
The second is him interpreting your rejection of the act as a rejection of him. This is particularly acute if he has low self-esteem and relies on external validation to prop up his sense of self-worth. In this pattern, continued rejection can lead to collapsing his self-esteem and a pattern of depression. If your partner is having outsized emotional responses to you saying "no", these are likely indicators that this is what's going on.
To invert those patterns requires you both to be comfortable with "no": you need to feel like it is safe and fair for you to say "no", even after a sexual encounter has started, and he needs to feel appreciated and attractive even when you say "no": he needs to understand that that is about you and not about him.
I didn't figure either of these out in my marriage, unfortunately, until it was too late and the damage had been done. I'm working on them now in a new relationship with a woman who is asexual and a sexual trauma survivor. She was very direct with me about both of those issues, which helped me to frame her "no" as about the act instead of about me, and to understand that feeling safe to say "no" is a necessary component for her to say "yes". I've been very direct with her about avoiding the first anti-pattern: I've told her that I'm afraid of her hurting herself, that I do not want her to do that, and I've reassured her that there are other things we can do to ensure that both of our needs are met.
If trauma is a relevant portion of your past, I've found the following four books to be the most useful in understanding her, and helping me to approach our relationship in a loving and supportive way:
Amazon: The Sexual Healing Journey
Hi. I'm in a relationship with a woman who was repeatedly raped as a child as well.
She currently identifies as asexual, but also expresses a lot of curiosity about sex, so I am not certain that is going to be her lasting sexuality.
I strongly recommend that you do a lot of reading and learning about the effects of childhood trauma, especially on human sexuality.
Amazon: The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis is a good place to start.
Amazon: The Sexual Healing Journey by Maltz is the best reference directly, and includes some beginning non-sexual steps to enable the survivor to begin reconnecting physically.
Amazon: Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy is a step-by-step guide to taking a survivor from severely uncomfortable all the way to intercourse. It is aimed at the therapist, but valuable reading for the partner as well.
Amazon: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Walker is another excellent reference, as it addresses specifically the type of PTSD brought on by repeat, inescapable trauma, especially during childhood.
I think your library should include each of these.
Also, as a veteran of a sexless marriage, currently in the divorce process, I strongly advise that you wait to marry this woman until after you and she are successfully having sex -- this is an important component of a marriage, and one that you and she need to know is going to be successful, healthy, and not re-traumatizing for her.
I read this book as a teenager, with my first therapist: https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335
Hope that helps!
r/adultsurvivors/ may have something to say helpful. Also r/CPTSD
The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis is a great resource.
Find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Just like treatment for a physical complaint it hurts like hell when you start. One thing is many of us are so used to stuffing, numbing and third personing we think we have made it just objective. Ripping off that bandaid is not pleasant. It doesn't feel like we're getting better but it's the necessary first steps.
https://www.catholictherapists.com/ can help you find a therapist who will help with faith based and psychology based treatment.
There really is no easy way to heal from this. It's a burden we've carried far to long. Different people need different things to recover. No matter how hard, tough we think we are we really can't do this without help.
“The courage to heal”
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Heal-4e-Ellen-Bass/dp/0061284335/ref=nodl_
Wishing you all the best in your journey
I'm so sorry for everything you've endured. It sounds like you went through hell, and my heart goes out to you. You aren't crazy. Your entire post is riddled with examples of clear abuse and serious red flags.
I really recommend The Courage to Heal. It's basically THE workbook for incest survivors. And one of the most important messages within the text is this:
You don't need to prove that you were sexually abused. The fact is that you have clear symptoms of having been abused. You are living with the consequences of that. The facts of what actually happened are immaterial - the important part is not that specific things happened; the thing to focus on finding ways to heal from whatever happened, to improve your life now. So you proceed as if you had this information, and focus on your healing.
I know that's easy for me to say. I know personally the desperate confusion that comes from trying to piece together memories. When I finally remembered, it made me feel justified, but I realized there were a million memories that were left to be uncovered and processed, and I'd never get through them. I simply had to get on with the business of healing from whatever happened, fixing the symptoms and letting go of the causes. Easier said than done, I know.
The truth is that YOU ARE JUSTIFIED. In your suspicions, in your struggles, in your anger, in your confusion. You don't need proof that you were abused. The proof is in your body, and in your feelings, and in your difficulties.
What you were put through was horrible. It was wrong. You were just a small, innocent child, and you didn't remotely deserve any of it. And I'm so sorry. Just know you're not alone.
As for your physical health issues, I wonder if there are gynocologists who specialize in long-term effects of sexual abuse. Or even studies on the subject. I dunno. Might be worth looking into.
Hugs if you want them. I'm rooting for you. <3
I am so sorry for what you had to endure. That is terrible.
I am really sorry to tell you this, but you were molested. I'm not sure where you are in coming to terms with that, but this writing makes it very clear. And in your mind, it may be "when there's nothing sexual here", but to a reader, it seems highly sexual. Molestation and sexual abuse perpetrated by women often show women using enema's as a form of abuse based on how receiving an enema has similarities to anal sex. And, if there was nothing sexual, you would not have had to be stripped. Biting a child, or a teen, there may be some gray area of your mom not knowing what she was doing or not understanding the harm she caused, but the enema stuff shows she knew it was wrong, and did it anyway. I am so sorry.
As a social worker for several years, I can say the confusion you are going through is totally normal. Talking about it at all takes a lot of courage.
I'd suggest seeing a therapist, or calling a hotline. If talking about it feels like too much at this point, maybe I can suggest a book? Check out "The courage to heal" by Helen Bass. It helped me, and I recommend it to my clients often. You can buy it on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=63C109BZN8PZYHFD8GVT
Neat, thanks for the link.
I agree with you re: the negativity. I'm coming to it from a different perspective, being that I'm starting a relationship with a survivor after coming out of the dead bedroom. I empathize with your finding regarding your own personal issues -- I'll confess to my fear that I may not be solid enough to be a competent partner to a sexual abuse survivor yet, either.
Allies in Healing felt .. several levels too basic for me? Like, some of the advice was at the "believe her", and "don't blame her" levels, which were ridiculous from my perspective. I can see why the author had to include them, but, I was really looking for something a little deeper.
I got a lot more out of The Courage to Heal - not just the chapter on the partner, but over the whole of the book.
Did you read the Harville Hendrix book Getting the Love You Want? .. I'm wondering if the Imago technique described there would help or hurt with a survivor.
I'll take your advice and read Coming Home to Passion.
And, yeah, a support group would really be helpful, even from a knowing "what not to do" perspective.