Here's a really good book I'm reading that sounds like it could be very helpful for your situation. "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual" by Melody Parker. I wish I had read this book early in my own relationship with my wife. I would have had a different understanding of the approaches to our sex life and our respective needs which would have been so helpful.
Good luck to you and your partner both!
It's a great list! The woman who wrote it wrote a book recently!
I’m sorry you are in this bad situation. Personally, I would continue to be her friend, not because I approve of her actions, but because it’s ok to love a friend even though they are flawed and not perfectly moral. Also, hoes before bros. You may not want to listen to me because if any of my friends murdered someone, I would ask no questions and just help them bury the body.
You don’t know the whole story either. He may be cheating on her, he may be addicted to porn, he may be closeted in some way that is not honest in the marriage. If they’ve tried everything and it’s still not fixed, I assume he got a medical checkup and it’s not something obvious like low testosterone. Especially since she is taking it as a sign that something is wrong with her. Maybe gift her this book which is the best resource for fixing a dead bedroom, but otherwise, yeah.
There might many causes. There might be things that you have not figured out yet. But it seems that masturbating everyday will reduce your libido.
Check this book. It might help you brainstorm about the situation or give you other perspectives. https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Along with the book "Come as you are", I highly recommend the book "The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual".
It was extensively researched and wonderfully written by a smart and experienced woman who knows this subreddit well and often contributes ideas and advice here. It was recommended to me a few months ago and reading it has helped me understand my sexual relationship with my wife at a much deeper level. The book has excellent ideas which helped me a lot and, from the situation you described, should be a help to you as well.
Good luck to you. After over 30 years together, my relationship with my wife is still a work in progress but at least there is progress!
Your situation is sucky. Most will say leave but it does not seem like you have the means. I have been reading this book from one of the resident experts. Not sure if it will help him since he has not followed up on his promises twice. However, hopefully it will help you manage the situation. Maybe if you get lucky, you can get him to read it too. It is only $4 on the kindle.
Wow. There are so many things to unpack there to work on.
I think the first thing, is start trying to address all the factors that are in easy control. He's got to stop steroids. I get he wants to do body building, but he's got to stop. Next, what are the non sexual parts of the relationship you'd like to improve? The desire for sex is strongly tied to quality of the romantic relationship in LTR. If there are things to improve there, that'd be a good thing to work on too.
As for to improve the bedroom, this is a guide written by a person who has basically studied dead bedrooms and was in one herself. It's cheap as hell and it's a great guide. https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_T8C68N83A2X0MBK7JV48
Beyond that, I'd start looking at people like John Gottman the psychologist for advice on the matter too.
Sorry to be so general, but you asked a question that probably needs a couple books to answer. Start with the one I recommended and work from there.
I'm going to recommend that you head on over to /r/lowlibidocommunity and skip the poison pity party that is /r/deadbedrooms. If you want to complain and vent, go to DB. If you want education, perspective, and possible guidance, low Libido community will help. Check out the side bar and wiki guide. If you just so a medium level glance at what articles are there you will find some that are probably very relevant. Additionally, the M.U.L.L.s are a good read for perspective and understanding what a LL partner experiences. Because the short answer is, there's very likely nothing wrong with them. If there isn't extra stress, financial hardships, diet and exercise problems, or other physical health issues, then how they are is just how they are.
Additionally, I just found this book by someone who has gone through a DB themselves in the past and has gathered a lot of info on other people's success stories over the years from deadbedrooms and other places.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_pSb0Fb743M452
All that being said, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm an HL myself and I don't know what it'd be like to go without sex for 4 months with a partner I loved. But I do know that just because my partner isn't as passionate or sexual as I am by a long shot doesn't mean she's not as invested in me and this relationship. It's just who and how she is. Nothing will change that. And you have to accept that it's okay to live life like that, or decide that that it's not.
Thank you! Coming from you, that is really great to hear. I've learned so much from your rich posts and your AWESOME book, The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual!
>What helped you regain love and attraction when you were LL? Do you think those same things could work in your current relationship?
That's a good question. I think one of the main things was the fear of losing her, when I began to drift apart. I guess I wanted to want her, but when she was beginning to get fed up with my distance, I got scared.
Good luck to you. This may not help, but one of the Redditors wrote a book. It may not help you, but goes over lots of different dynamics in a db.
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_QF6X10H4N0S9HG8DSVMK
OP, I've been reading the interchanges in this thread between you and myexsparamour so I'm going to jump in here and recommend her book The Deadbedroom Repair Manual.
I've read it and found it to be extremely helpful in understanding my wife's mindset and what has been going through her mind during our 35+ year marriage.
I was on a search for understanding in my relationship, which sounds a lot like yours in that so much of the relationship is good. OP, you too sound like you understand that knowledge is power and you want to better understand your wife and your sex life together. This book may be a big help to you as it has been to me. Best of luck to you no matter what you decide to do.
I read a book in early 2021 that really helped me understand my wife's mindset much better. "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual" by Melody Parker (a frequent Redditor and researcher with a PhD) was very relevant to my relationship. I'm telling you about it in case it might resonate with you as well.
I haven't been able to "fix" my deadbedroom yet but I at least feel I have a better understanding of the situation and it helped me dissipate some of the frustration I was feeling. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck to you!
You also received some input from u/myexsparamour elsewhere in this thread. Her advice is usually excellent.
She doesn't mind if I out her (I've asked) as she wrote a book called The Deadbedroom Repair Manual. I purchased this book about a year ago and have read it several times. As I continue to work on improving my sexual relationship with my wife, this books gives me a much better understanding of the situation and helps me, as the sex-seeking partner, to see things much more clearly and accurately from the point of view of my wife, the reluctant partner. I had to stay open and loving as I read the book, but it helped me see how I put undue pressure on my wife, as a high libido person that was trying inexpertly to get his needs met. I can relate to that sullen, distant attitude that your husband gives you when he hasn't had sex in a while. I'm not saying it's right, just that I understand it better now.
There are several excellent books recommended in the resource section of r/DeadBedrooms and The Deadbedroom Repair Manual is one I recommend highly.
Best of luck to you and your husband and your relationship.
>Even if I'm not in the mood but my spouse asked me to use my mouth or hand on her, I'm going to oblige as it's not doing me any harm and is something that would make her feel good. I'm not sure if that would be the case for her, or if she would find such acts completely unenjoyable, or, as is likely, depend on many other factors.
The relationship dynamic profoundly affects how you feel about these things. You feel that getting your wife off orally or manually would be a harmless favour because you’re the sex-demanding partner in your couple’s pyschological landscape.
I was historically the sex-reluctant partner in my relationship. At the height of my aversion to sex, wild horses could not have pulled me into position to give oral or manual stimulation to my girlfriend (now wife). These acts are given weight by the circumstances.
Since you have responded openly to criticism from other commentators, I think you might benefit from reading and doing the exercises in <em>The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual.</em> It has transformed my relationship with my wife and consequently improved my bedroom. However, this change has taken serious effort for both of us and probably especially me (the LL partner of our couple).
In Melody Parker's book "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual", Melody would describe you as being high on the sexual excitation scale and low on the sexual inhibition scale. Meaning you can easily get turned on by both internal stimuli (your own thoughts) and external stimuli (sexy things and situations around you) and you have a strong resistance against getting turned off.
I can relate because I'm the same way. On the excitation scale it takes very little to get me going. I see a little porn on the internet or sexy woman in public, I'm turned on. I see a sexy model on a TV commercial, I'm turned on. My lovely wife is cooking dinner in some slim fitting clothes? Fuck the food, my engines are revving.
On the inhibition scale, I'm am not easily turned off. I had a good day and things went right in business, I feel the "battle high" and I'm turned on. I had a bad day in business and I'm stressed, I want sex to help relieve the stress. I'm under the weather and have a headache? Sex helps make it better. Things might be bad but, "oh well, at least I had sex!"
On the other hand, my wife is low on the sexual excitation scale and high on the sexual inhibition scale which is why I'm reading "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual." At least the book is helping me understand the situation and the dynamics better.
Hey OP. My heart goes out to you. Many of us here know an unfilled need for physical intimacy and desire from our partners.
If you are a person who gets value out of reading books, I highly suggest getting and reading Melody Parker's book "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual." She's a frequent commenter in this sub and she's done a tremendous amount of research on the deadbedroom situation. Her book is very helpful to understand yourself and the dynamics at play. It really helped me get a much better understanding of my needs and of those of my partner. Just framing the situation in a more organized manner helped me a lot. Information is power.
Best of luck to you!
By the way, I recommend "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual" by Melody Parker highly. If you get value out of learning from books, this one could really help you in your situation. If nothing else, you will learn about yourself and how to interpret your own needs and desires and responses to them.
I'm in a different situation than you, but I found the book to be extremely valuable. After reading it, I could see where it would be helpful to you based on what you described in your own situation. It's really well researched, well organized and well written by Melody Parker who is also a long time frequenter and commenter on this sub-Reddit. She knows the deadbedroom situation and understands it to a high degree and offers good actionable information.
Although it can happen at any age, you are way too young to be caught up in a deadbedroom. At least I had over 30 years of great sex with my wife before her desire for sexual connection waned a few years ago. I'm doing what I can to rekindle the bedroom passion and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship!
You could get The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual and work through it, completing as many of the exercises at the end of each chapter as you can.
Warning: the first half or so is about explaining and fixing the relationship foundation on which sex takes place. I was confronted with problems in my relationship that I didn’t even know I had, for example, severe boundary abuse (by her on me) and overfunctioner-underfunctioner dynamics in both directions in different aspects of our life. It hasn’t been especially easy to work through this stuff but it has felt necessary.
All you can do is work on yourself, understand your situation, and communicate. I think some more research and individual therapy can help you. It's helped me. This book was written by one of the big contributors in this forum. It's really helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Another good book is "The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual" by Melody Parker. She is a long time contributor to this subreddit as u/myexsparamour and her comments and the book are both excellent. I learned a lot about what was contributing to my deadbedroom and I'm working on fixing it.
Nothing guarantees success but good information is invaluable.
Things will only get better if he is willing to work with you on the issue. Too bad he won't tell you the issue, or he may not know the issue himself. I see three options you could try
Try singles and couples counseling if he is agreeable. If this gets him to want to explore, medical issues, then see a doctor for a work up of medical causes . Yields will be low since he is 36, but sometimes helpful.
Read this book that goes over many different causes. See if any may apply to you. $4 on Kindle.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Instead of the "Talk" about sex only, why not open a dialogue/tune up about the entire relationship?
What do you think is going well in the relationship? Chores? Activities? Kid? Emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy? Sex? Finances? Work? Smoking? Drinking? Socialization? Etc? Then you tell your partner yours.
What is not going well in the relationship? See above entries and tell your partner yours.
What is your ideal situation with the above entries?
What can you two do together to work to reach the ideal situation?
This will highlight what each of you are bringing to the relationship. Or not bringing. And hopefully action plans to make things more equitable and satisfying in the entire relationship.
One side imbalances in any aspect of relationships suck.
Can you try working with him on the health part? Eat healthier. Walking. Take up hiking or a sport.
Work on your hobbies, interests, school, and work to fill the void and your self esteem. Also to be financially independent if you need to split up.
Try asking for couples sex therapy. If he won't agree, try reading this book to see what applies to you. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_AVJ5P1VDZRZK74PPQYHN
Another excellent book is The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual. It too was recommended to me on this subreddit and it is excellent. It gave me insights into my relationship with my wife that are very helpful.
Highly recommended.
You are correct that for the db,HL, and even the LL subs, there are mostly HL commenting. Including me. Sorry. I went to the LL sub to see how the other side thinks and soon realized about 75% of the comments were from HL like me.
Unfortunately I think both the HL and the LL have different perspectives and experiences even with living together. Say I know exactly when we last had sex. My spouse in the past has gone months without even thinking about sex. Also my spouse will get distracted with a TV show or on a weekend watch TV for 5 hours straight and don't even think about sex. However my spouse is asexual so this does not reflect all LL (some LL think about the last time a lot and get anxious. 😟 ).
So many other discrepancies. Since your relationship issues could be due to a whole host of issues, maybe try reading this book written by one of the mods for living well over 30. She also lurks here and the LL sub. Gives viewpoints for both the HL and LL as well as gives homework for both. I just read it a few weeks ago. Only $4 on Amazon Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_RZ5CV49WPWWKQ6H5RHWJ
So she is super stressed about this. Without her divulging why and being willing to work on this, many here will say to walk away since you are young. If you want to try to stay, You have three options (maybe others can suggest more). 1. Change yourself internally so you don't get upset with no sex. So you can accept the status quo. I cannot do this, but some here have done that. 2. Try single and group therapy. 3. Both of you try reading this book on db. Hopefully with reading this book, you two can figure out the cause and work on a solution, before the situation becomes too ingrained.
Good luck.
It sucks that you had a medically induced db, but as the illness got better, the db remains because of all the psychological issues.
Definitely focus on your daughter. At 16, the next two years are crucial to her high school, then college career. I hope she is doing well in school and school activities. Encourage her to look at her career options. Start working to that goal now.
If you cannot afford therapy, try reading this new book on db. See if you can figure out which issue applies to you. Each chapter has exercises to do with perspectives from the HL and LL. Only $4 so is doable. As long as you can get the kindle app.
I read your post from 5 days ago. Your spouse has too much internal conflict and pressure to perform. Unfortunately with you right now, I think any encouraging work that could slabs construed as sexual could trigger her. The good thing is that she is upset also so is probably willing to work on this with (some LL are blissfully happy in a DB).
Have you guys done group or couples counseling? Or both of you try reading this new book on db.
I can sense the anxiety and possible OCD and intrusive thoughts you have just from reading the first paragraph. Any of these things can prevent you from focusing on being in the moment and enjoying any activity, let alone sex. I hope you have a therapist or doctor to help with this. Since as you said, weed helps, but you don't want to have to always use weed as a crutch.
To help with getting in the moment, maybe try sensate focus. There may be other things getting in the way, but we are not trained therapists. You could try seeing a sex therapist, try reading books on sensate focus, or try reading this recently published book on db. It gives perspectives from both sides. I am so glad you have such an understanding partner. He may be happy to read the book with you and work on the exercises together. That will better your chances as success. I wish you two the best.
Non-bot response:
We deeply sympathize, but there's really very little we can do to help, other than refer you to our Wiki, which has excellent references to relevant books in the first section and to relevant articles in the DB section. I also recommend checking out /r/LowLibidoCommunity to get an understanding of what your wife is going through.
But if you do nothing else, get The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship, read it, and think very hard about how you and your wife fit into the LL/DB story and what you can actually do about it.
Best of luck!
I recently came across an excellent book by a Redditor called The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual. I'm reading it now with the hopes I can find ways to help reignite the sexual connection in my relationship with my lovely wife or, at a minimum, at least to understand the challenges better.
Healing takes time so 2021 may not see much of an uptick in the frequency but I at least have hopes for 2022 and beyond. I do love my wife and I feel the work is worth the effort. The book is an excellent resource so far. Highly recommended!
Also, thanks to all who commented here. Somehow, it is comforting to know I am not alone. I wish you all well on your own journeys.
Here it is. If you are McGuyver with emotions and sex psychology, I think you could use it to apply to any situation. Unfortunately I am a newbie here and don't want to give the wrong advice(I am very mechanically intuitive, but good sex is mostly about psychology). Only $4. A great buy IMO.
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_LEi9Fb8BE3GTE
My spouse and I are working on our sexual incompatibility, but our issue is unique compared to many others here (spouse is grayromantic sex neutral asexual). So I guess we are in a repairing bedroom. I see a light at the end of the tunnel so I am hopeful. Just like you, the relationship outside of the bedroom is amazing.
I am reading the new book by myexsparamour to look for more insight on what I can do more to help my relationship. I am on chapter 5 (20% through). The book has lots of insight and has homework at the end of each chapter with insight on the HL and LL person perspective (she calls them by longer words, but the abbreviations are much easier to type). Unfortunately my spouse has no interest in Reddit or introspection so I am doing all the legwork. I think it is great both of you are willing to work on the relationship. That improves your chance of success.
Below is the link for the kindle book. Only $4. Much cheaper than courses I have seen for $200-500. I love the kindle since I cannot read small print.
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_qDK8FbGGJWE0K
Oddly enough the LL tends to be more conservative in the bedroom. My spouse is also. Having a kid does make it tougher to leave.
There is a new book by one of the resident experts myexsparamour that just came out recently. Only $4 on kindle. I am on chapter 3. Not certain if it will help you, but it is a good read so far.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Well, there’s a couple of books 📚 that are really good.
“Come as You Are” basically explains a lot of things and I highly recommend starting with that one.
Then there’s also a book I read that one of the Reddit folks wrote that had a lot of good things about the relationship dynamics I was referring to https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ The first half of the book is about the relationship dynamics that are the cause of the problem. I didn’t really get to the second half yet (that situation is complicated) but its given me a lot of insight into perspectives and patterns of behavior that I didn’t have before and wish I’d had sooner 😉
How wonderful! I would be really interested in your perspective!!
I have published the book at this point, but it's going to be free from December 7-9. I'll message you again and let you know when it goes on free.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Hey, can we get you to edit that link? We don't allow referral links because they can be abused. What you need to do is remove everything starting with "ref=", so it looks like this:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
It will still go to the same page.
Thanks!
If you are in dead bedroom territory, then this is the book for you. If things are just needing a little spicing up, here are some easy things to try that have helped us in some way.
No devices in bed. We have them there in case there is an emergency with my in-laws, but we don’t pick them up and scroll while laying next to each other.
Get into bed and have skin to skin time, no pressure to have sex. If this works for your schedules at any time of day, this alone can increase your frequency a ton!
We started doing a 30 second hug and a 6 second kiss every day at one point when things were sort of weird between us and it helped us make physical touch more natural.
Good luck!
I'm approving this post even though it's about dead bedrooms, because we encourage thoughtful reviews and recommendations (thank you, u/Perfect_Judge!) and because the book it's about is an important resource for a lot of people in our community.
Normally we discourage posts about dead bedrooms because DBs can be really, really difficult problems that typically have no clear or obvious solutions, and our readers get burned out by the many similar posts about them. Instead, we have been referring people with DBs to our Wiki and to the many good posts by /u/myexsparamour, who has devoted years of research and effort to figuring out the best answers for the many different kinds of problems that can kill sexual attraction in a relationship.
Now MyEx has compiled the fruits of her accumulated experience in helping people with DBs in subs like SO30, r/sex, /r/DeadBedrooms, /r/LowLibidoCommunity, and /r/LowLibidoGroup. I've also read an advance copy of her new book and it's really good. I highly recommend it for anyone who is struggling with a DB, or even flirting with the first hints of trouble in that direction. (Trust me on this as someone who has been there: prevention or early action is MUCH easier and more effective than waiting until it's a entrenched problem!)
Here's the ebook link on Amazon:
It's on preorder status until Nov 9th, and I STRONGLY urge you to order it before that date if you are planning to read it. Preorders help a new book get visibility, and for only $4 you can help promote a valuable tool for helping many, many couples in distress!
Lol, welcome to the club. Look at the reading materials. I'd start here:
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_M2N5PVCG4DES8H2QJ3RY
I hope not. I'm working on bringing adventure back. The Talk doesn't work. Take a look at this book. It's been eye-opening for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
This is a book that distills all the best advice that you can get from here:
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
This sub is great to hear from others like you. But we need to do the research and the work to fix things. The book above can help.
She might not tell you her story but she has a book. It's a steal and would be a good place to start.
This doesn't sound too unusual. Take a look at the reading materials. This is a good one: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Paging /u/myexsparamour for her expertise on this one as well. There's even a chapter in "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual" about it.
Never heard of this. Very expensive. Maybe first try this book recently published by a resident expert here on Kindle by myexparamour (or something similar)
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
This book goes over the psychology of dead bedrooms: The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_R7RTFMVHKMFPYKBY4FDB
They have good ideas here: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. If you don't doing the sexual things as well as many thing you're spouse likes to do, you should look all the big life issues and see how compatible you two are. My spouse and I match on so many other things (kids, pets, religion, politics, housechores, life chore) that we don't really fight on things. We both are emotionally healthy with healthy attachment styles. We both work and contribute to the relationship. So when I look at the sex, it is just one of all the other issues that are important. Even before compromising, I knew I was not leaving. Since we are working on compromising on sex, even better. If we had disagreed on kids, politics, and chores on top of the sex, we would have had to divorce.
If you don't enjoy sex right now, I can see how you are LL or on the asexual spectrum. Like I said, at home, my spouse and I have NEVER sat through an entire movie or TV show we hated. I have sat through tons of neutral shows my spouse likes (my choice. They won't make me). My spouse has not watched mine (but now I am not Reddit instead of TV). I have also watched bad movies in the theaters, but they were movies I expected to be better and once you are in the theater, not much else to do.
Addendum:
This sub is mostly oriented about asking for and providing advice. If you want advice in dealing with your situation, you need to ask for it, and also provide a good deal of background information about yourself and your wife.
If you just want to poll our readers, post on Saturday in the Simple Questions thread.
Bu when a faceless person with no posting history, no personal information, not even an age or length of relationship, asks other people about their experiences, it usually doesn't go well. There's no way for us to know if anything we recount is at all relevant or useful to you.
I'm an example. I actually identify as a variety of asexual, or perhaps someone with an extreme case of responsive desire. And my SO and I went though a period when I developed a severe sex aversion. But we've been having really good sex ever since we sorted that out.
Would my experience help you? Maybe. Who knows? But if I hadn't already written an account of what happened, I wouldn't be tempted to write the whole thing out in response to a 2-line question.
We sympathize with your situation. We have an extended section in our Wiki devoted to Dead Bedroom/Mismatched Libido problems. I also strongly recommend /u/myexsparamour's book, The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship. She addresses the problem of "induced asexuality," among many others, and has many good suggestions to offer.
This post would normally have been blocked as a "common topic," but I looked and it turns out we don't actually have a good post in the Wiki that is a round-up of all the different ways couples initiate. So I'm approving it and I hope you get a ton of interesting responses! :)
These next four posts don't answer your question, but you still may find them useful:
I also recommend The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship by Melody Parker, aka /u/myexsparamour, even if you're not quite in a DB.
The mods filter out most posts about dead bedrooms and mismatched libidos, because we get so many of them that this topic would dominate the sub if we didn't. Also, we have an extensive library of posts and other resources in the SO30 Wiki that are related to this topic, and it's very hard for our readers to offer any advice in a thread that isn't already covered at least as well and often at much greater length.
For OP and those with similar problems, I urge you to check out these sections:
Relationship Issues (Dead Bedrooms, Sexual Incompatibilities, etc.)
Sexual Health, especially the first two sections: "Sexual Reawakening" and "Troubleshooting: Libido Loss/Changes"
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship – a book that addresses libido differences in a comprehensive way
Anyway, after dwelling on why we don't normally allow posts on this subject, I'm making an exception for this one, in part because it has been a while since we had a similar post and in part because it focuses on how to manage the emotional effects of being rejected, rather than just "how so I get my partner to want/have more sex with me." I urge readers to approach it from that perspective.
The best thing I ever found on this issue was this book written by a redditor. Free on kindle. The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual
As others have said, having a 2mo old infant in the house is NOT the time to be trying to fix a DB. Pressuring her for sex at this point is quite likely to make your DB worse.
However, this can be a very good time for you to learn more and start laying the groundwork for how you want things to go differently when your child is a bit older.
These posts by /u/myexsparamour. are good starting points:
I also highly recommend her book...
The Kindle version is $4 and worth every penny of it and more!
In addition, I suggest browsing the SO30 Wiki, which includes the above three links and many, many more. It has tons of info and answers about solving sexual problems and having better sex, including a long section on Dead Bedrooms that is definitely worth your time.
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_A0185XFDR74ET0H2YVCE
Yuck! Have you told him what a turn off that is?
Believe it or not this is a common complaint. Also subs like this one will turn this into a never-ending chicken and egg argument about how he does that because you never touch him yet you never touch him because he does that. Don't pay attention. Bottom line, you get to decide what you engage in. This is a part of the pursuit-distance cycle. Here's some more resources that you may find helpful.
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual (really useful information about pursuit/distance cycle
https://beyondbitchy.com/ (boundaries)
https://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/post/sex-advice-women (how to stand up for better sex without "withdrawing" but without giving duty sex)
I recommend starting with this book (it meets your criteria and has practical exercises and stuff): https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_K891XH94EHHWQNAT1703
You're wife's drive is "normal" too. Let's just get that out of the way.
What you want to do is find something that increases your differentiation. Not just, find a hobby and channel your sexual frustration into that, but really learn to hold onto yourself and be at peace with your desires going unmet while your wife heals. Also identifying the parts of your dynamic that have come from you not being your best self. So I would check out either Passionate Marriage or Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch, or any of these fine resources linked below:
Http://finlayson-fife.com/podcasts
https://strongmenstrongmarriages.buzzsprout.com/
https://mikefraziermd.com/topic/the-stfair-model/
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_CZMGR0KDVNK4WY27MMWN
Here are a few posts that sum up my story:
Resources that have helped me:
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Love Worth Making by Steven Snyder
and this one is good, too: https://strongmenstrongmarriages.buzzsprout.com/
This is a very common situation, and our Wiki has a lot of good resources that can help you with it. Some of these are in the section about dead bedrooms, but are still relevant even though you aren't in a true DB:
There are also many great resources for making sex better for both of you in the section called...
Let's start with some of the reasons libido loss happens:
Sustainable Sex: Understanding and Avoiding Libido Loss in Long-term Relationships
Sex and Babies, many good comments in the thread
What to do about it:
That's just a sampling. There are over a hundred resources in those sections that can directly help you make sex better and keep this from sliding further into the doldrums.
If you are interested in books, we also have a section of book reviews, and a fair number of them are relevant to your situation. But my number one suggestion would be the book featured at the top of the DB section:
I hope you're able to work together and get this resolved.
Here are a few posts that sum up my story:
That was me 4 years ago when my youngest (who was conceived unexpectedly after about 6 months of a resurgence in the bedroom when the older 2 were 2 and 4, surprise!) had just turned 3. After a few years of finding some of the relationship subs and deep diving into podcasts and books on high/low desire dynamics, these are some of the things that I believe make up a healthy sex life in long term relationships:
The writings of a close reddit friend have really helped me. She has a book on Dead Bedrooms and another one coming soon on good sex for women.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
https://www.reddit.com/r/LowLibidoCommunity/wiki/practicalsolutionsmyexsparamour
r/LowLibidoCommunity has been a great resource as well.
Jennifer Finlayson-fife's podcasts have been extremely helpful as well, same as with her Facebook community.
Also this one by Jody Moore, as I am picking up that you may feel like you're in a "one-down" (less than) position to your husband:
https://jodymoore.com/ep-177-equal-partners-marriage/
I hope that's not too much and that I didn't overwhelm you. My best wishes to you and you can reach out any time.
You titled the post with "Pain". Is sex painful for you or your partner?
I saw u/Ragnar_the_Pirate mention the "Let sex be sex" post by u/myexsparamour. But nobody linked it. For me, it was the pivotal advice which helped me. Single most important advice I got from Reddit. So here is the link.
Also you post didn't have much details. Other than a possible pursuer-distancer dynamic. The book my u/myexsparamour is a nice book that hits on many possible contributors to a db, including the pursuer distance dynamic. It has questions for both partners at the end of each chapter. It could help you home down the issues in your relationship more clearly.
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_a_MGWREVKHWJZZ0JS0F2ZK
Please communicate with your wife. Communication is key. For my wife and I we did these questions 4 at a time while cuddling in bed (no sex afterwards, because it was about building emotional intimacy, not sex). At about question 20, we had a couple of breakthroughs. Then after question 24, didn't add much at least for us. But we got what we needed by question 20.
Hi! We deeply sympathize, but this is addressed to the wrong sub. You need to repost it on /r/DeadBedrooms instead.
The SO30 Wiki has a lot of good resources that can help you, including a book section and an extensive and excellent section on Dead Bedrooms.
If you are going to get one book, get The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual. The author is active on the DB sub, so you can ask her questions there. Here's a relevant sample of her writing:
The good news? 2 years is right around the average duration for cases where having a baby causes a sex blackout. So the chances for a recovery are increasing steadily.
P.S. We deeply sympathize, but this really isn't the right sub for this post. Try /r/DeadBedrooms instead.
Two recommendations: Our Wiki has an extensive section on Dead Bedrooms/Sexual Incompatibilities. And the first itm is a book that has helped many, many people:
>This is beyond confusing to me….he is very handsy, groping me regularly, sexual innuendos all the time, and he becomes erect with hardly any effort, but there’s just no effort from him, and to be honest, I don’t want to be rejected ever again so I dont attempt it anymore.
I can think of an explanation because I acted similarly to your boyfriend, almost always rejecting any form of sex when offered but still showing sexual affection. Eventually I stopped that too, because I grew terrified it would lead to sex, but for a long time I did what he’s doing now. Like him, it didn’t take much to get me physically turned on.
The reason in my case was that I loved my partner, desired her, and even fantasised about having sex with her – but I avoided sex in real life because it was loaded with anxiety for me.
Can you think of anything that might cause him to be anxious about having sex with you? Clearly he has no problem getting an erection (a common cause of anxiety), but does he always last long enough for you to enjoy it? Is he afraid of a risk of pregnancy? Afraid of hurting you physically? Religious or other shame around sex?
>Have you been with someone where leaving them is not an option because you love them too much? Anyone have any success stories on how they’ve communicated and made improvements?
Yes and yes. Major life events caused me to suddenly realise that my reluctance to have sex with my partner was a problem for both of us. I bought The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual and did the exercises in it. This book may be helpful to you, since you mention that your boyfriend refuses to see a therapist. The book is a form of therapy.
The difference is that I (the sex-reluctant partner) wanted to make these changes, whereas in your relationship, you (the sex/seeking partner) want to make the changes. I’m not sure if there is a way to get him on-board with the change effort. However, the book includes a lot of things that one partner can do unilaterally.
Many couples experience a drought after the kids are born, lasting anywhere from six months to ten years. Five to seven years post partum is actually a fairly common time for moms to experience a sexual reawakening. The fact that you're WISHING you had a stronger sex drive and reaching out for help may actually be the first signs of a rekindling of desire.
In many cases, making this work means reinventing the way you have sex. What was "good enough" when you were younger and hornier may in fact have been okay for him and NOT good enough for you. The process needs to enjoyable and satisfying for both of you to break your current dread and create a positive association for you that will help you get turned on, not off, by the prospect of having sex.
If you see a sex therapist together, it's very likely that your homework assignments will center around something called sensate focus therapy (SFT). It's the gold standard therapy for a wide range of sexual problems. It's particularly effective for helping couples reconnect, both physically and emotionally, and helping women become (more) orgasmic.
If you don't manage to connect with a good therapist, you can still do SFT at home. I'll add links below to help you get started.
Many of the books in the Suggested Reading section of our Wiki deal with libido issues. In addition, we have an extended section called Dead Bedrooms/Sexual Incompatibilities with some excellent resources specifically for libido issues and another big section on Sexual Health with a lot of excellent advice on orgasm problems and on making sex much better for both partners.
For starters, I particularly want to recommend a book, a post, and a couple of subreddits. The book is:
The post is:
And the subs are /r/BecomingOrgasmic and /r/LowLibidoCommunity. Both are very supportive communities.
I hope this helps. All the best!
Having our baby was a major catalyst for my current attempt to fix our decade-old dead bedroom. So there are exceptions to every rule.
Some necessary context, though. Over a period of years, my wife earned progressively more money than me until we decided I would be better off putting my energy to creative good use (writing a book among other projects) rather than slaving away as a freelance copywriter for extra income we didn’t need.
I was happy with this arrangement (obviously), but it also heightened my long-held sense that I did not contribute enough to our relationship.
When we had our baby, I suddenly took on a clear and necessary role in our relationship, as a stay-at-home father enabling my wife’s ambitious career. I also loved being a father and was good at it. My wife was visibly impressed with me and seemed to respect me more. At some point she gave me a bank card in my name for her current account, which formalised our new dynamic. I loved our baby even though I hadn’t thought much about what it would be like before pregnancy; it was really her pushing for the pregnancy. In short, I was happier than I had been in a long time.
In this newly purposeful and happy state, I fell in love all over again with my wife. I really wanted to have sex with her. I always had wanted that throughout the desert years but had felt unable to initiate or accept sex for an amalgam of complex reasons. Now I was adamant I must get over those hurdles to having sex. I found this sub, bought u/myexsparamour’s excellent book, The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual, and realised our relationship had a load of improvable aspects. We’ve been working on those since, and more sex followed almost automatically. Also, our sex got better even though I thought it was pretty good when it did infrequently happen. In particular, I felt freer to be more dominant, which has been thrilling for me and her equally.
Now, we’re not out of the woods yet, and I still have huge hang-ups about initiating, but I believe we have made permanent changes for the better. Changes that go beyond sex but enable it.
One more note: my wife has to take a drug that doesn’t allow her to breastfeed. This may be one reason she wanted to have sex again a few weeks after giving birth. I know many women don’t. I’m sure it helped that I did the bulk (though far from all) of looking after our baby, so she wasn’t as touched-out as new mothers can be.
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Hey OP!
I wrote a comment here in this thread about my feelings on religion in this situation as a response to another comment. I linked to my comment rather than repeat it.
However, I wanted to offer a suggestion that might be helpful to you to better understand your situation. There is a Redditor who comments often in these threads as u/myexsparamour who has written an excellent book on the dynamics of the deadbedroom relationship. I've asked her and she doesn't mind if I out her. Her name is Melody Parker and her book is <em>The Deadbedroom Repair Manual</em>. I highly suggest you get and read this book. It is likely to offer you much solid information to better understand your situation. It is very well researched and written and I found the ideas to be quite illuminating in my own deadbedroom situation.
My situation is different than yours but the concepts behind the deadbedroom are relevant in a wide variety of situations including what you told us about yours. I happened to couple my recent research with another book called <em>The Happiness Trap</em> by Russ Harris and the two books together gave me a good framework to try to improve my marriage with my lovely wife. Either my relationship will get better, I'll learn to accept it and appreciate it for what it is, or I'll get out of it.
Knowledge is power and your post leads me to believe sexual intimacy in your relationship is very important to you. Taking action now and learning more about the dynamics could save you years of frustration one way or another.
Best of luck to you. My heart and my empathy go out to you.
Yes, always finishing in you is a kink, but a pretty mild one. But never doing any kind of foreplay to help you get aroused or simply for your pleasure is not a kink. It's being ... well ... I'm trying to think of a nicer way to say "horribly selfish and obnoxious," but that's the tamest version I can come up with.
If my husband decided one day to stop doing all the wonderful things he does and insisted that sex just meant sticking it in and pumping until he came, I would be devastated. It would feel very much like he had stopped loving me or caring at all about me or my feelings and was just using me as a Fleshbot.
I worry that your focus on not being allowed to do more for him is hiding a more serious problem: this kind of selfish, one-note, one-sided sex is going to gradually become less and less tolerable to you, until you get to the point where you're dreading sex and just telling him no most of the time.
SO30, /r/DeadBedrooms, and /r/LowLibidoCommunity have had many posts by women who have developed serious sex aversions in just that way. It often starts with a woman wondering what happened to her libido. Eventually the relationship crashes, she gets with someone else, and it turns out her libido was fine, just not for her ex.
If you don't want to go down that path (and you don't!), you need to get through to your guy that what's good enough for him really isn't good enough for you.
One of our mods went through something similar early in her relationship with her SO, and they were able to fix it. You might be able to pick up some suggestions from her description of what they went through and how they recovered:
I'd also suggest looking at the SO30 Wiki's section on [Dead Bedrooms and Sexual Incompatibilities](https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/wiki/dead_bedroom#wiki_dead_bedrooms.2Fsexual_incompatibilities, especially the book recommended at teh beginning:
The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship, by Melody Parker, aka /u/myexsparamour
Don't be put off by the term "Dead Bedroom" in the titles. All three are full of ideas for preventing a DB, and there is unanimous agreement that it is FAR better and easier to prevent a DB than to try to recover from one!
I’m talking with my wife, almost every day for weeks now, trying to really understand the reasons for our problem.
And I’m reading and doing the exercises in The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual, a book by Melody Parker.
I initially thought it was all my fault, and so did she (HL), but I’ve since realised that she played a role in making things worse. Basically, too often I felt forced to have sex with her. Not literally forced, obviously: I’m physically stronger than her and have my own agency. But she was always bugging me for sex, or so it felt to me, and sometimes I had sex even though I felt bad about it. Really bad. I developed an aversion to PIV sex.
More often I declined sex, but that made me feel bad too. And obviously it made my wife (then girlfriend) feel bad too.
My situation is different than yours because I (the LLM) wanted to do something about our lack of sex. In your case, it’s you, the HLF wanting to do something. You need to find a way to get your husband on board. That may be difficult and require time, because he may be embarrassed or anxious even talking about this.
Why, after all these years (I’m 39), did I want to do something about it? We had a baby. Our baby was a good thing for my state of mind. My wife earns more money than me, so we decided I would stay at home to look after it, at least for a while, to allow her to continue her lucrative career. Previously I struggled to know what I was offering to our couple. Not rationally – I could list things I was good at, necessary for, did, etc., plus she loved me anyway – but instinctively and against the cultural norm that the man be the breadwinner, etc.
I’M NOT TELLING YOU TO HAVE A BABY TO FIX YOUR SEX LIFE. That would be insane. And almost certainly it wouldn’t help. You should have far better reasons for having a baby. I’m just saying what happened to me, with my unique circumstances. The baby made me feel complete. And I kind of fell in love with my wife all over again. I wanted to have more sex with her, but couldn’t. I started this recovery journey. We are not having much better sex, but it’s still early days for us.
I love your attitude about sticking with your husband despite not getting the sex you want, by the way. As you say, there’s more to love and marriage than sex. But good sex is important too, in the long run. Treat the down-votes as a warning to think seriously about that, but don’t let them scare you away from fighting for your sex life in your couple. Good luck.
Non-bot response:
We sympathize, and we really hate to remove posts like yours, but there's not much we can say that will help you more than the resources already in the Wiki. In your case, I particularly recommend a book and a post fill of links. The book is:
And the post is here:
Sensate Focus is the most common form of sex therapy. If you went to a therapist, that's likely what you would be assigned to do as "homework." If your wife sincerely agrees to do it, it can get you out of this rut. But it can also lead to a great deal more if you build on it.
Many women lose interest in sex because they are not getting much pleasure from it and find it cumulatively unpleasant to get aroused and then have – maybe – a weak orgasm that requires a lot of effort on their part. Sensual/Erotic Massage focuses on extended arousal and edging, aiming for much more intense orgasms. Often this comes as a revelation to someone who has never experienced mind-blowing sex, and it can definitely (re)awaken libido.
But to make this happen, you need to be patient and be willing subordinate your own needs for quite a while. If you push for sex every time you do the sensate focus exercises, she'll see it as just another way for you to initiate and put pressure on her, and it won't work.
Good luck!
P.S.
For more about why some LTRs stay lusty and others don't, /u/myexsparamour and I have both written extensively about the kinds of things that can make the difference. Often it's a failure to make a transition from one kind of sex to another, more sustainable kind of sex. This is a good place to start.
I also strongly recommend her book:
I think the evidence is clear that, although most DBs don't recover, quite a few do. My partner and I got stuck in a DB early on, recovered from it, and went on to have really good sex for decades, so I can testify that it's possible. But it generally takes a serious willingness by both people to figure out and resolve the underlying problems, which is where that book can be invaluable.
Also, you did not give much information, but your relationship could have many bad relationship dynamics.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQr8vTOBZXOO04-WsZLoXd2ePnL9tX_4oYLwOTlYxPYSOH3Q/viewform
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Dad Starting Over actually has no idea what keeps a woman's sexual interest over time. A better book than Dead Bedroom Fix is The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual.
I was going to be resigned to staying with less sex than I needed. But we had a second talk and we are trying for what I need, but not want. My spouse is compromising with trying to have sex more than what they need, but is comfortable giving. I am fine with this since I view out situation as a compromise, just as couples compromise on splitting housechores, how to raise kids, spending habits, etc.
You can accept the situation for now. But I personally think it doesn't hurt to read more about db and hopefully find a better solution than no sex ever (you may not find a solution, but at least you tried. Here is a nice book for the Kindle that goes over lots of potential issues.
Instead of working on just the sex, as you know, you are in a relationship. Try tuning up the entire relationship.
Instead of the "Talk" about sex only, why not open a dialogue/tune up about the entire relationship?
What do you think is going well in the relationship? Chores? Activities? Kid? Emotional intimacy? Physical intimacy? Sex? Finances? Work? Etc? Then you tell her yours.
What is not going well in the relationship? See above entries and tell her yours.
What is your ideal situation with the above entries?
What can we do together to work to reach the ideal situation?
This will highlight what each of you are bringing to the relationship. Or not bringing. And hopefully action plans to make things more equitable and satisfying in the entire relationship.
Also both of you work in maximizing your diet/exercise for your physical health as well as work and passions for your financial and mental health.
After you have done the above if, everything goes well and your relationship is amazing in all aspects, ask to reset the relationship. It is hard to discount 10 years together. But another Redditor was able to do this with her souse (sorry, but I forgot your name). Her logic, which I love is that if you split up and met new partners, you give them more leeway than you spouse give your spouse. You also are more interested in them and getting to know their interests. Try to show the same attention and consideration for your current partner. Date again. Try to find the spark again.
To be honest, I have not personally seen the love languages approach work well. It seems to end up as a covert contract where the HL tries to do a lot of the LL's "love language" with a lot of expectations for the LL to "make an effort" that usually don't pan out. It rarely goes well. Just FYI.
The following posts contain some good information: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/9xrd69/unilateral_actions_by_the_hl_to_fix_a_dead_bedroom/
This poster has also written a book that may be helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Here are some compilations of success stories:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/itwah3/our_favourite_success_stories/
Hope this helps!
I am glad you're doing some things to help with your sanity (working away from home) and take the pressure off sex from her.
Since sex has felt like a chore to her for 6 years, but she has only been unemployed for 8 months, that is one factor, but not the only issue. Her issues are probably multi factorial.
It is admirable of you to not ask for a divorce and throw her out on the streets.
Work on yourself. You said, why would anybody want you since she doesn't?Don't drink to curb the pain. Instead start to work on your health and body. Regain the body you had when you were in the military. Not for her or for sex. Do it for yourself because you deserve it.
Don't try to have sex on birthdays or special occasions. It only adds to stress for the LL. If you lurk on the r/LowLibidoCommunity, many LL dread holidays especially Valentines Day because of the added stress of sex. On the db dub, the HL lament another Valentine's where they don't get sex.
This won't magically fix your db, but have both of you do the love language quiz. Learn what make her tick and how you can make her feel loved. Hopefully she will learn your and do things to help make you feel some love even if she is refusing sex.
Try one or both of the following. Read this new book on the db. Only $4 on Kindle. Couples therapy. Or try the book. Hopefully both of you can read it. Then if it does not help, try couples therapy.
Again, sorry you are in this situation.
I read your. It's from 194 days ago. It seems she is a strong contextual sexual desire person.
Now you have the pursuer distancer dynamic which is hard to change.
I cannot guarantee this will fix things, but understanding your mate and the dynamic you are in would be helpful. I just finished a book on db which is very informative. Only $4 for the Kindle. If she is willing to read it, hopefully you two can agree to work on things together.
If the break from work 194 Days ago helped, maybe arrange to let her take more vacations from work (not quit since then the freedom from work may soon become the norm? Sort of like kids towards the end of summer vacation). Good luck.
My best suggestion for emotional intimacy is not a book but a website. 36 questions from a relationship researcher. We are doing the questions 4 at a time cuddling in bed. No sexual obligations. But you are is a relationship where both are trying, so maybe you can leave sex on the table afterwards. Of consider having sex on the table afterwards. Lol https://www.scienceofpeople.com/deep-questions/
Not sure if this book is right for you. But it lists lots of issues that can plague a db, with exercises for them. You can read through and pick and choose which applies to you. Only $4 on kindle. If a specific topic strikes your fancy (e.g. Nagoski or Gottman, you can read their books). I liked reading it for the psychology aspect and will probably reread it again this summer.
Has your husband agreed to stop porn? I am not against it per se. but like alcohol, if it becomes an addiction that affects your relationship with others, it should be avoided. Tbh, your requirements are very reasonable and should be achievable.
Thank you for the very insightful and caring comment. I love Reddit because of the open and honest feedback I get to learn so much more than I could ever get from friends or the internet. About tons of things that are pertinent and not relevant to me.
You are correct. My spouse, with respect to sex was very closed off and didn't really want to talk about sex or feelings. And she was my first so I never had any real education.
With the help of Reddit and lots of lurking over a few months, I realized she could be asexual. Which we confirmed a month ago. I had to tell her the definitions of sexual orientation, gender identity, and aromantic and asexual. Based on what I said she thought initially she was aromantic asexual. Now I think she has a grayromantic asexual. Who doesn't actively cuddle or snuggle.
Oddly enough, after learning what she is, she is now more willing to work on a compromise on things. After 25 years. So I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
However, she has not been interested learning more about herself and what makes her tick. I have been lurking more on the dB and asexuality subs to try to figure out more about her. I am even reading a new db book which is fascinating. Unfortunately, the asexual wikis have information more directed to the asexuals, not allosexuals in relationships with asexuals. So I get bits and pieces about how asexuals think from their posts and memes. It is different from allosexuals.
Same thing happened about 3 months ago when I asked her to do a MBTI quiz. She is ISFJ. She didn't really care to read up on what that means. I think this is an ISFJ trait since they are one of the most common personality type, but there is very little activity on that sub.
Fortunately she is following my leads. So as I learn more, I bring the information back to her to see if it fits her or not. So at least slowly, we are growing together.
In closing. Thank you for your reply. As an update. We are doing the CAT approach and digital stimulation (me and her) with PIV now. No anal (she has refused several times in the past several years so that is not negotiable). Though I wished I found Reddit 20-25 years ago. So we could have started worked in those things back then.
Good luck to you.
Well, u/myexsparamour's posts have really helped me a lot, and luckily she has an entire book now: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
Jessa Zimmerman has a great blog and podcast at https://intimacywithease.com/. She also wrote Sex without Stress.
Sexy Marriage Radio podcast https://smrnation.com/sexy-marriage-radio/ While you're there check out the free ebook library: https://smrnation.com/courses/free-marriage-library/
Feeling Good Podcast: https://feelinggood.com/category/podcast/
Also I'm not supposed to link it here, but if you check my comment history you should be able to find the low libido sub. The resources in the sidebar are excellent.
Edit: one more; if you'd like to know more about setting your own boundaries, check out Beyond Bitchy podcast.
> We love each other a lot, and have had typical problems associated with LD but always made it through. When we’d visit we would have lots of sex, almost as if we were making up for the weeks or months of not seeing each other.
That was quite like my experience too! And, when I moved in with her, it changed from frequent, hot, and great sex (my partner's words, not mine) to no sex at all for many months now.
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> It’s gotten to the point where I’m running through situations in my head about how I can logistically split up
I can totally relate to this as well! I have even already decided to move out if things don't improve in a few months' time. But, you see, I love her and I take my commitments seriously, so I am willing to give it the best possible shot for that time.
As for your main post question, "how many talks is too many?", I'd say it depends. If we are talking about "The Talk™", 1 time is already 1 time too many. If there's one thing I learned in my DB-journey (it's not a cool one, but it does teach you a lot) is that this is brutally ineffective - you can search for this topic here (as I linked above), or on the LL community, to see the problems that it creates - one of them being the pressure it puts on the LL (and nothing kills whatever is left of libido faster and more effectively than pressure).
Now, that doesn't mean that you can't express the fact that you feel your personal/emotional "needs" aren't being met in the relationship. Open communication is fundamental in any relationship. But the framework of "The Talk" is terrible for that. I'd recommend looking into nonviolent communication and to talk about it in a loving, accepting, and curious way, rather than a demanding one.
Some other great resources:
The dead bedroom repair manual
*Disclaimer: I don't claim to have any answers or solutions, I'm also trying to find them myself...
Hi! This post was removed for a combination of reasons (shortness/lack of info, brand new account, and several key words/phrases that the bot looks for). You basically need to tell us more about yourselves. It's tough for our people to give useful advice with so little information to go on.
I urge you to spend some time reading some of the relevant posts in our Wiki, particularly in these sections:
Sexual Health
Sexual Reawakening
Sexual Compatibility (includes a link to "The Five Love Languages Quiz")
Good Sex/Great Sex/Sustainable Sex
Dead Bedrooms/Mismatched Libidos
In addition, even if you aren't in a completely dead bedroom, I recommend getting The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual: A comprehensive guide to bringing sexual passion back to your relationship. It has good tips on negotiating the "I don't want to talk about it" problem.
Please feel free to repost an expanded version of this tomorrow. After you've read some of the posts and articles in those sections, you'll have a better feel for what kind of information can help us help you better.
You're very welcome! If that sex and babies post was helpful, the author of it wrote a whole book, and it looks like it's free on kindle right now!
Here are some other resources that are favorites of mine.
When I was in your partner's situation, we relied very heavily on sensate focus and sensual massage. It worked wonders for us and served as the bridge back to a good sex life. (Details here.)
In addition, our Wiki has a ton of good stuff. Here are some good places to start:
The last one includes a long list of good links, but I want to especially recommend the first one, a new book by our very own /u/myexsparamour:
All the best!
You could read this book instead:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/
Also check out the r/Sexover30 wiki section as there's a lot of info about dead bedrooms and mismatched libido situations.
Well first, there's many reasons for not wanting sex with your spouse anymore. But they have to be identified, dissected, and both people need to work to resolve it.
When there's one partner who is sexually reluctant or avoidant, it's complex. They may want to want to have sex with their spouse but something is inhibiting them.
A lot of HLs don't realize they're actually not meeting the needs of their LL partners and that they've either helped create a sexual aversion in them or they've helped create an emotional barrier/disconnect with their partner.
I think it is harmful and unfair to claim that all or even most LLs wish to control and manipulate their HL counterparts by not having sex. In truth, no one should have sex they do not want to have because it becomes extremely toxic for both people to do so.
It is also unfair and harmful to assume that sex is unimportant to them just because they're LL. According to one woman I've spoken to, who is LL, has stated that her sex drive is back with a vengeance but her husband does not turn her on and she no longer feels safe within her marriage emotionally.
She wants to want sex with him but doesn't. She's actively working on it with him but it's been hard. She said she is not comfortable with non-monogamy and polyamory so that is out of the question. She would rather seek to understand herself, her marriage, and grow and transform the dynamic.
Even if someone is LL in their relationship, they might still hold true to the ideas of monogamy within their relationship. Just because they don't have sex or are struggling to find a solution for themselves sexually, does not mean they don't value exclusivity and a traditional sense of connectedness.
Typically, opening up the relationship when it is not solid and not healthy, is a damaging idea because there are so many unforeseen consequences and complex feelings that come up. It is best done if both people are in a good place in their relationship and feel comfortable doing this.
I have also spoken with many LLs privately, and one lovely woman from the r/lowlibidocommunity sub, and they put it to me like this:
We are seen as villains and controlling and manipulative because we cannot meet the demands for sex for our HL partners.
Sometimes there is considerable damage that has been done in the past that is simply too great and we are trying to move past it and fix our dynamics. It is a long process.
We love our partners, we want to want to have sex with them but we struggle. We are always trying to find new solutions and ideas to overcome this but haven't been successful yet.
We still want to make the relationship work and we try to repair and rebuild, but there is ever growing disconnect because sex is still emotionally and mentally painful and they have not helped us in the process or it might be too little too late and we haven't accepted it yet.
It is a complex issue and one that is not black and white. There is a toxic mindset of entitlement and fixation on one's feelings when it comes to sex, when the truth is, sex is a symptom of deeper problems and we often neglect that fact (I'm very HL myself, I understand how the majority of people here feel). It does us no good to make our feelings the primary focus of the relationship because we're fixated on not getting sex. It drives a further wedge.
I highly encourage everyone to check out u/myexsparamour's new book that is available for pre-order found here if you want a lot of insight into the dynamics of LL and HL and the underlying reasons for a dead bedroom and how we find ourselves in these dynamics. I have read it and can honestly say it's wonderfully insightful and helpful for anyone.
I've recently found this book. It really is helpful if you are at least a little interested in changing things.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
You'll definitely have to deal with and give up your resentments. Those are toxic for you and her. It's like drinking poison to piss of your SO. Individual therapy can help with that.
I've been reading this book. It basically distills all the best advice you can get from reddit, without the rando arm-chair therapists (like me), acting like they know what they're talking about. :)
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ