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The Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook: Breaking the Cycle of Psychological Violence?
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Because he's treated you like garbage so that you would hate yourself and feel you deserve how he treats you so you'll be too exhausted and ashamed to try leaving.
But you can leave. I promise. It might take you some time, but you can. Help below.
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
If you can't talk to your friends, let's figure out how to build a support system you can talk to.
Can you get into trauma-informed therapy?
Can you contact a DV advocate? (They can also help hook you up with counseling.)
Can you get into group therapy for DV?
Can you attend a DV support group?
Can you work on healing your inner voice?
You didn't let anything happen. Abuse happens slowly. It is normalized to us. We are gaslit about it being abuse. We are isolated from support and help. You are trauma bonded. It's a good survival mechanism but terrible for escaping. (It can be broken, though!)
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/when-all-you-can-remember-are-the-good-times
You can unlearn this gaslighting.
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
You can learn to value yourself again.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/do-affirmations-work
You care about his feelings more than his life because he has beaten you down into having to value his feelings above else for the sake of your life. He has spent years belittling, mocking, patronizing, name calling, and putting you down to chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth. He has gone on tirades and given you the message that your feelings, wants, needs, safety, health, and life do not matter, especially if they interfere with his whims and demands. He has stolen you away from everyone who could tell you any differently. He has filled you with shame, with the backing of our society, that if this relationship breaks, then it's due to your failures and your lack of worth as a person and woman. He has threatened your family so that leaving doesn't just risk you.
You have survived the only way you knew to survive: by clinging to hope.
It is time to turn that hope towards yourself and your future because you deserve wonderful things, OP, and there is a way out that ends with you living. Start by contacting your local DV org and just talking to them. You're not alone. You can escape and live your life. <3
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
I hated going out with my dad. I asked my mom all the time why she didn't just leave him. I wished and hoped and internally begged for it every single fight I had to sit through and witness.
She never left.
I immediately got into an abusive relationship. I thought it was normal to be miserable with someone you loved. I thought it's what I deserved.
People to talk to for help and support, how to break a trauma bond, and how to regain your sense of self.
Work on breaking the trauma bond and make a plan to secretly leave. You want to leave and aren't happy - those are fantastic reasons to leave! People who manipulate you and don't respect your needs or wants lose the right to a face to face break up.
These can help:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
Part of therapy is a building a relationship with the therapist so you can trust them in order to open up to them. You don't just spill your most vulnerable traumas all out in the open immediately. Therapy is also for you. You may prefer to talk more about the impacts of what you faced rather than talking about specific things you faced, which may still be helpful.
But if you aren't ready to talk to someone you don't know and don't feel up to building that relationship, how about talking to someone you do? Is there a parent, grandparent, cousin, adult sibling, neighbor, aunt/uncle, teacher, music instructor, sports coach, etc. that you might open up to?
Yes, you're being abused. Him refusing to leave is a disrespect of your boundaries and it's a form of restraining/imprisoning you by refusing to leave your space. He's "never wrong" because he gaslights/DARVOs you. Your reaction to him is called "reactive abuse", a poor term for "reacting to abuse". Have seeming good times (these are just covert abuse) is all a part of the cycle of abuse. They also help the trauma bond form, which is what encourages your brain to focus on the so-called good times rather than the bad.
Your local DV org can help you make a safety plan for escape. If he doesn't get mail at your place, then he has no tenant rights, and you can also 100% justifiably call the cops and have him removed for trespassing. Then I suggest changing your locks if he has a key and installing cameras to help document any further abuse and stalking, as you may need to pursue a restraining order.
Once you escape, I can't encourage enough being single for a while so you can focus on yourself and your healing, doing things like re-discovering your sense of self, trauma-informed therapy, workbooks, a technique like DBT, and practicing healthy conflict resolution and boundary setting.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
You got this! You're doing the right thing for you.
Resources below:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://nomoredirectory.org/ They are here to provide emotional support, too
Please don't do couples counseling with an abuser even if she comes back; it is only dangerous.
Because you've only been trying to convince yourself for 3 days, where she's had how many days to gaslight you?
Unlearn that gaslighting
Because he's spent so much time gaslighting, manipulating, lying to, and abusing you. He's broken down your self-esteem and put himself in a position where his approval is all that matters. It's hard, but you can unlearn all this. Are you able to get in with a trauma-informed therapist? It can definitely help. A DV support group or talking to a DV advocate for emotional support can help, too.
Other help:
Unlearn that gaslighting
Moving on with life (pdf download)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so hard to think so little of yourself, but you're worth fighting for, and you can start fighting whenever, in whatever little bit.
Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (to help combat these thoughts)
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy (alternative to ACT)
I know it's going to sound hokey to go around telling yourself how great you are, but that's how you do it - and it works, I promise. I've experienced it working. I've watched it work for others. That's how your self-esteem got broken down. This guy and potential others (parents, teachers, friends, bullies, bosses, etc.) told you over and over again - maybe outright, maybe subtly - a bunch of untrue, terrible things about you. They told you them so much you started to internalize and believe them. Unlearning these messages works the same way: you gotta start telling yourself the right messages, over and over again until you can believe them again.
You need help. You need to get into trauma-informed therapy, attend a DV support group, get CPS involved, open up to friends/family, talk with a DV advocate, break the trauma bond, etc. Any and every resource you can access, you need to. You're being abused, and you need help to escape and heal.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
I hope you're able to get some help from a trauma-informed therapist or even DV support group because wow, that is some extremely intense and hardcore gaslighting and abuse you suffered.
Unlearn gaslighting: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Break the trauma bond: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
The brain is legitimately terrible at getting us out of abuse. It's survival mechanism is to minimize and normalize the abuse so that it's easier for you to survive - but had the unintended side effect of making it harder to escape. It's why the trauma bond is so effective. Because it plays on our brains way of trying to help us survive. It's just unfortunate the brain assumes we can't leave. 😭
Breaking the trauma bond and unlearning the gaslighting helps:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
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