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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing?
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What's done is done. Being clingy won't help.
About the only thing you can do is apologize, and by "apologize" I mean a real apology, not the sort of panicked knee-jerk "Ohmigosh I'm sorrysorrysorrysorry" that tends to be the natural human reaction when we screw something up badly. A true apology is calm, heartfelt, and must include the following three things,
- I understand what I did to you.
- I understand how that hurt you.
- I'm sorry.
...note that explanation of (or excuse for) why I did it is not in the above. Just the above three things, simply delivered, without additional decoration.
If this is an isolated incident, and this is the only time you've ever done anything like this, then maybe a well-delivered apology might have an effect. Maybe. Not necessarily. He's under no obligation at all to accept it, and you need to make sure you go into it without projecting any sense of expectation or entitlement. Just very calmly (and sadly) say: "I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I was totally in the wrong, and I never, ever should have done that. I'm so disappointed in myself for having done that. I can see how much it hurt you, and I can understand why you're so disappointed in me, too. I hope someday you may be able to forgive me, though I know that's totally up to you and I have no right to expect anything." And then it's up to him. If he doesn't relent, that's that.
If this isn't an isolated incident and you've done this kind of thing before, well, that's a pattern of behavior and honestly I'd be surprised if you could change his mind (and I wouldn't particularly advise him to-- he needs to see to his own well-being and it would be unreasonable to expect him to stay in an abusive relationship).
You can't change the past, and it's possible (perhaps likely, from what you've described) that this relationship is now over and done with. But you're going to have other relationships in the future, so one thing that's vitally important is that you learn from this experience and address the root cause so that you don't repeat this in the future. Because if it's a pattern rather than an isolated incident, and you don't learn-and-address, then you're going to end up repeating the cycle and having a lot of unhappiness in your life.
Again, if this is a pattern rather than an isolated incident: I'd advise counseling / therapy, if that's an option for you. Regardless of whether therapy is or isn't an option, there are good books out there for helping break cycles of abuse-- read some. One good example is <em>The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing</em>, by Beverly Engel.
If it really is just an isolated incident and you've never done anything like that before and don't think you're at risk of doing it again, then don't beat yourself up too much about it. It just means you screwed up. Everyone makes some boneheaded mistakes; the important thing is to learn from them so we don't repeat them.
Either way: Guilt and self-blame never solve anything. They're unconstructive and unhelpful, at best. Often they simply make things worse. So, try not to do that. Instead, focus on the practical: ask yourself questions like "what can I do about this?" and "how can I prevent this from recurring?", and take whatever steps are necessary.
He needs to buy this, read it and then give heartfelt apology and start counselling. https://www.amazon.ca/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036
Check out this book. The Emotionally Abusive... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0471454036?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing https://www.amazon.com/dp/0471454036/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_J940JYP6KAJW7AHDAMB4
So much wrong with this:
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18f dating 30m, - so many threads on ho bad this dynamic is.
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In love after only 4 months. That isn't love. That's infatuation. You dont; even know him yet.
" And had his mother abandon him when he was a baby. " look up Borderline Personality Disorder. It is very common in this exact scenario.
" He’s been in jail and is currently on probation for some dumb like car theft. "..
..he makes good choices in life.
"But he literally disapproves of me posting online. He called me attention seeking because I posted a picture I sent him. And he genuinely gets mad I’m insecure and takes it as his words aren’t enough to make me happy. "
Controlling and manipulative
" I’m very submissive (but also very much a princess), it’s just my personality and of course that carries into our sex life so he kinda just expects me do what he says "
Pressures you into doing sexual things you aren't comfortable...could be assault. At the very l;east, he doesn't respect your boundaries.
" He also doesn’t have a job "
At 30 he doesn't have a job or a career.
"And she refuses to fill his tank for him so I am constantly. "
Needs his mommy to fill his gas tank so he can date you.
"Also it’s like I have no time for myself ever. "
Smothering and controlling.
" I’m always paying for our dates "
The 18 year old is more grown up than the 30 year old.
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Ok...you get the picture. The guy is a loser. There are multiple reasons why women his age won't date him. He is also manipulative and I guarantee an emotional abuser. Now for some constructive help. Please go buy this book off of Amazon.
The emotionally abusive relationship...chapter 8 will be an eye opener.
It will help you understand who he is. Understand why you are attracted to him and give you tools to deal with it. You can also look at it another way. What exactly are you getting out of this? If this is the best it can be (still should be in the honeymoon phase) you can guarantee it is going to get a lot worse. You don;t indicate that there has been anything physical yet but my spidey- sense tells me you just omitted it so he wouldn't come off looking worse.
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If you really want to take a deep dive into abusive behaviour, get this book too.
Do you have any recommendations on books? I just purchased this. But it seems like most of the books I can find are geared towards victims.
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