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The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: Healing From Emotional Abuse?
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Oh, I see! I type in "gaslighting", which the first autocomplete suggestion that comes up is "gaslighting is not real shirt". I try to avoid looking at the screen so I can avoid seeing it, as I finish my search for "gaslighting recovery workbook", as it's brings up one of the books I suggest to others.
It's nice to see others don't find this funny, either!
This is very likely the answer. Check this book out, my therapist recommended it to me and it helped me out quite a bit.
The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: Healing From Emotional Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/1646112695/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_47HFX7J6MX1TWAAD7J65?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
These are all spot on! Gaslighting is so toxic! My ex was a covert narc and master gaslighter. I'm in the process of building up my self confidence and working on some trust issues and other emotional issues he left me with.
This Gaslight Recovery Workbook has been a great resource in my healing journey!!!! ❤
I have been working through this Gaslighting Recovery Workbook
It's been AMAZING!!!!! it covers gaslighting in all areas: romantic, work, family... I've learned so much and have been able to start my healing process.
I've also enjoyed listening to Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She has so pretty great videos on narcissists and gaslighting. And finally, I follow Sarah Speaks Up on FB. She posts some pretty great inspirational messages about healing from this kind of emotional abuse.
Yes. They do these things on purpose to encourage that behavior so they can turn it back around on you. I've been working through this Gaslight Recovery Workbook It's been great in helping me identify what my ex did and my reactions and how I can move forward.
I am glad you are going to get help. There are also a lot of online resources in the meantime. Dr Ramani on YouTube and FB is wonderful. She has several videos on Gaslighting and narcissists. Sarah Speaks Up on FB is a great page for inspirational messages about healing from mental and emotional abuse including gaslighting.
Because he's spent years gaslighting, demeaning, and forcing you to think badly of yourself by treating you badly and blaming you for it. Anyone would have trouble not internalizing that.
Here's how to start unlearning this gaslighting: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/do-affirmations-work
Please reach out for help. Men who are physically abusive during your pregnancy are some of the most dangerous and some of the most likely to physically abuse children as well (if he doesn't cause a miscarriage first).
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
It wasn't your fault, and you don't deserve this.
https://broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/its-not-your-fault-self-blame-and-domestic-abuse/
Yes, it's a result of gaslighting where the abuser always makes us responsible for their feelings and actions. The below can help:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
No. If you can't think of a reason you'd ever tell your daughter that she deserved her husband's abuse, then you should apply the same belief to yourself. Are you in trauma-informed therapy and working on processing and healing?
Why Does He Do That? is a good read that shows how abuse is always about the abuser.
I didn't need to get past "one sided polyamory" - this is super common with many abusers. This is not how polyamory works. This is not how an open relationship works. This is how a double standard works. This is how an overt cheater works. This is how a coercive controller works. He's abusive. He's abusing you.
People to talk to for emotional support and logistical help, plus safety and escape plans. Here's how to unlearn all his gaslighting and recover from it.
Please try to reach out to your local DV org and make a safety/escape plan, even if you aren't ready to act upon them yet. Having them now will help you out immensely by the time you are ready to leave, which I hope is soon. Strangulation is the biggest factor of potential homicide. You are 6x or 750% more likely to die by an abuser who strangles you. Strangulation can cause internal injuries that don't kill you until weeks after the initial incident, so it's important to always get checked out by a doctor if at all possible.
Here's how to unlearn the gaslighting he's fed you about it being your fault.
Gaslighting 100%.
Unlearn gaslighting:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
I'm so sorry you've been so gaslit to hell and back that you've been convinced you could actually be abusive.becaude he's abusing you.
It's not abusive to advocate for yourself or tell someone when they hurt you. A normal, safe person would want to know so they could stop hiring you.
Help for unlearning gaslighting and healing below:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Separate and do solo therapy with a trauma-informed therapist. Once you escape, it'll start becoming so much easier to see you can't possibly be not taking accountability for his actions in choosing to lie, cheat, and gaslight.
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Even if you were somehow at fault here, separating would make it a lot easier to focus on your own introspection and growth. Patterns are exceedingly hard to break with a person you've built them with. Humans are creatures of habit. If we want change, we often have to create it with a change in our environment, such as letting go of a relationship.
What you're going through is unfortunately common. Abusers often just switch abusive tactics rather than becoming non-abusive. This is what you're seeing in him becoming sneakier, which shows he is not truly committed to becoming honest. He is only committed to the illusion of honesty, looking for the trick to successfully pull the wool over your eyes.
Have you looked into trauma-informed therapy? Do you have friends you can talk to for support? How about calling a DV advocate to chat about your feelings?
Here's tips on unlearning gaslighting and breaking the trauma bond:
https://broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/its-not-your-fault-self-blame-and-domestic-abuse/
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Here's how to unlearn that DARVO* gaslighting:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Trauma-informed therapy wouldn't be a bad idea either.
A bit of (trauma-informed) therapy rarely hurts.
Unlearn that gaslighting
Recover from gaslighting workbook
Best of luck.
Couples counseling is really dangerous with an abuser and any responsible therapist who knows the relationship is abusive will end it immediately because of this.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1
You hope he can change because he gaslights you into believing he will, like dangling an imaginary carrot for you. To stop thinking this, you'll need to do some "reality training" to confront the gaslighting. Currently, the gaslighting is defining your reality, which is really difficult and confusing.
Explanation:
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/after-abuse/when-all-you-can-remember-are-the-good-times
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/how-an-abusive-partners-good-behavior-is-part-of-the-act/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Reality training:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Finally, solo trauma-informed therapy would be a much better and safer use of your time and money.
What she's doing by focusing on your perceived flaws to distract from her abuse is called DARVO gaslighting. It's a very devastating form of abuse.
Even if this relationship were healthy and simply incompatible, it would not make her complaints about you object truth, nor would it mean that no one else won't love you exactly the way you are. It would only mean you two were incompatible.
My abuser also claimed I was things like cold, unaffectionate, unloving, uncaring, unromantic... It wasn't the truth. It was just a distraction so I would never feel confident enough calling him on his abuse when I had so much of myself to "fix" for him.
If she really even thought these things were true, she'd simply break up with you. She doesn't think these things and she doesn't break up because she's feeding you lies so that you feel terrible about yourself, making sure that A) you feel her behavior is your fault so that she is never held accountable for it, and B) your self-esteem is so low you don't believe you deserve any better than her. But you do deserve better.
Here is how to unlearn that gaslighting.
Yes, it's due to all of the gaslighting we endure, and the very nature of what an abuser abuses to teach us: that we are responsible for their actions, moods, feelings, etc. So, even when they abuse, that's somehow our fault, so when we stand up for ourselves and they act like that's a punishment, we feel guilty because they've been gaslighting us into believing it's our fault they abused in the first place and now it's our fault they're upset at having to face consequences.
How to unlearn gaslighting + book
Okay, so here's the thing. Your partner is abusive and they are directly contributing to your worsening suicidal ideation. It's hard, often, when we have depression and similar struggles, to want to get better. So sometimes we (consciously or subconsciously) seek out feelings, situations, and/or people that confirm how bad we feel. But this is not real. It's confirmation bias. You're afraid to love yourself and recognize your successes. You're afraid of things getting better, so instead you try to accept things that are simply not objectively true at all, such as calling yourself a useless, unloveable failure. And you have a partner who confirms this for you. And because healing and change is scary, you want to believe your partner. I know the fear of "what if I try and still fall short?" but truly the only failure is to never learn from mistakes and to stop trying for your own happiness/contentment. There is always potential.
But your partner is not being honest. They are being cruel and vicious. They do not have your best interests at heart. They are only thinking of themselves: they put you down because the more they put you down, the harder it is for you to leave and the more you will focus on them and try to dow whatever they demand of you. And that's what your partner wants. They want your obedience and servitude. And they'll tell all the lies they can to manipulate it so they have this.
Even if you were abusive (you're not, this is called DARVO gaslighting) you honestly could change. The reason most abusers don't change is because they don't want to. They are satisfied and comfortable being abusive. They are choosing to continually perpetuate abuse. Yes, changing anything about the way we act and believe is hard work - but it's not impossible. What we really need to make it possible is the genuine desire to do so (and, sometimes, in the case of chemical mental illness, the secondary aid of medication).
The problem is not that you'll never be "good" (whatever that even means). It's that you are with an oppressive, hateful partner who wants you to feel this way and so specifically creates situations to make sure you do feel this way.
I have gotten a lot out of ACT, and I find it's particular deconstruct of "good" and "bad" useful in your situation. Nobody is inherently or overall good or bad. Our feelings are not bad or good. These things simply exist. We cannot help them. They just are. Our actions are not even good or bad - but they have consequences, and these consequences may have a net positive or net negative (or net neutral) effect. Even our actions can cause both positive and negative consequences depending on the perspective we judge from. But we are not good or bad ourselves. We are simply people acting in certain ways. And actions in your past or present do not and cannot define who you are in the future. That is always yet to be defined. What matters is what you choose. You are wildly unhappy in this situation. What choices can you make to make changes to your environment so that you might be happier?
DARVO meaning: https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
Dealing with threats of self-harm: https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1
Tips on escaping:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
People to talk to for emotional support and logistical help: https://nomoredirectory.org/
He's 100% DARVO'ing you. In the end, it doesn't really matter in regards for how to handle things - the best way to end this vicious cycle is to exit it completely. Once you leave, sorting out the aftermath of the gaslighting will become easier.
Because that confusion is the entire purpose of gaslighting you - keep you confused so you can't focus on his bad behavior or believe you deserve to leave and live happily. Here are tips on unlearning gaslighting:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
In another comment, you call yourself "super paranoid". What you're describing is actually the symptoms of you being gaslit. Advice on how to unlearn gaslighting below.
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
I'm so sorry; gaslighting is so terrible.
Here are tips on unlearning it. Here's a workbook to help you recover from it. A workbook like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook or It's My Life Now may also be beneficial for this and other things.
Here is how to break the trauma bond, which isn't specifically related to gaslighting, but is also involved and encourages us to self-gaslight us.
And a technique like ACT can also help you cope with the after-effects of prolonged gaslighting, which you can also learn with the help of a trauma-informed therapist or a workbook like Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks.
I'm sorry this dangerous person and his enabling mom have hurt you so bad. What you've survived is absolutely atrocious. You are not being dramatic in the slightest.
She's gaslighting the hell out of you. Constantly minimizing and dismissing your feelings (calling it a misunderstanding or joke) is classic gaslighting - it's perception > intent; if she truly cared about you and your feelings, she would apologize instead of justifying her actions.
Here's tips on unlearning gaslighting:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted/
A "sanity" journal is going to be a must for you, where you write down and keep track of how events happened and what she says (and how it made you feel). Are you able to access trauma-informed therapy?
Yes. I cannot strongly enough tell you this is abusive. More info below.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a26988344/love-bombing-signs-definition/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/
https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1
https://www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470
https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
How to unlearn all his gaslighting:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted/
Safety plans:
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
DV orgs for emotional support and logistical help:
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/
https://uksaysnomore.org/safespaces/
https://www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence
Unlearning gaslighting. Workbook for unlearning gaslighting.
Please call a DV hotline and talk to them.
I think that’s a really normal reaction to what you went through. I’m really happy my words could help :) just go easy on yourself. It takes time to heal.
There are two books I have, one is the Gaslighting recovery workbook that is really validating and good for healing.
Another is Why does he do that? which is a book on abusive men, why they do what they do and what it looks like.
When you’re ready or if you’re up for a read, I really recommend them, I think they would really validate your experiences
https://www.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Recovery-Workbook-Healing-Emotional/dp/1646112695
Maybe this book could be of some use
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