What is Reddit's opinion of The Gift of Fear?
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#1 in ➔ Mental & Spiritual Healing books

#7 in ➔ Abuse Self-Help books

#1 in ➔ Sexual Abuse eBooks

#1 in ➔ Social Psychology & Interactions eBooks

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41 reviews of this product found across Reddit:

I guess I'll be the oddball here and say that leaving a situation which makes you feel unsafe is the best, ideal reaction. Your body is telling you that you should be scared and that you should leave, always listen.

>The nation's leading expert on predicting violent behavior unlocks the puzzle of human violence and shows that, like every creature on earth, we have within us the ability to predict the harm others might do us and get out of its way. ... [the author] teaches us how to read the signs, using our most basic but often most discounted survival skill - our intuition.

Fear is a <em>gift</em>. Always listen to it.

There is a place and time to be assertive, but: if you are alone, if you are outnumbered, if the person could overpower you, if the person seems unwell or out of control, if your gut is telling you that you are in danger - then that is not the time to be assertive or to try and teach someone a lesson.

No person that is harassing you is worth your safety or your life.

My psychiatrist reccomended I read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It was certainly a helpful read.

i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like ~~$10~~ $6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.

For anyone who is hesitant on this talk of trusting your 'feeling' about events going on, give the book 'The Gift of Fear' a look.

Opinions and feelings aren't all you go on in events like this, but they are a starting point to get to the actual facts and are often reliable.

> So my question is, how do you safely leave an abuser? We thought she did everything right. And she still lost her life.

Not OP, but there is a book that answers this question that I found life changing. If you're interested in this subject, the book is called The Gift of Fear (non-affiliate Amazon link) and is written by Gavin deBecker, a survivor of childhood DV who now specializes in protective services.

His take on it is that the very best protective tool we all have is our own gut, how ignoring it has been trained out of adults (especially women), and how to get it back and use it to protect yourself.

He addresses your specific question at length and in great depth as well -- WHY leaving an abuser is the most dangerous part of DV -- and what can be done from all angles (personal, practical, financial, etc) to minimize that danger. The problem is that people who are trying to leave DV, especially without outside help, often don't recognize the point of leaving as being as dangerous as it truly is.

Whether you're a guy or a girl, this book may well change your life -- it did mine -- and cause you to look at these situations in a whole new way. I can't recommend it enough.

Above all else, trust your instincts!!

Even when you can't quite put your finger on what it is that is freaking you out, oftentimes it is your subconscious survival instinct trying to tell you that something is not right. For the sake of your safety, listen to that voice!

That is basically the central thesis of this great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Definitely check it out if/when you have a minute.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hate that the people around you are making you feel like you're crazy. Please know that you are not overreacting. You can't be too careful when it comes to protecting yourself. Good luck to you, I hope you stay safe!

1- Keep detailed records of all interactions. Everything. Calls, texts, emails, letters, suspicious activities, complaints to police... all of it.

2- Get The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and read it. Twice.

3- Take appropriate measures to hide all your info.

4- Buy a gun. Take professional training classes.

I wish you well

Don't feel guilty for following your intuition the results are as follows
You say no and he is a genuine nice guy, there is a slight embarrassment

You say no and he is dodgy, you saved yourself from being hurt.

No is a complete sentence, you don't have to justify or explain your answer.

Its worth reading the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. I read it when studying Krav Maga and it really helped.
Book on Amazon

I have been recommended Gift of Fear and heard about it so much here and can’t believe I’ve never read it! Thank you for reminding me.

<em>Gift of Fear</em> actually currently available on Kindle Unlimited (so free for subscribers!) and only $6.39 on Kindle for non-subscribers, so thats a good deal for an ebook! It‘ll be perfect for me to read on the 4-hour ride up to Dallas this weekend for my aunt and uncle‘s huge fancy 25th wedding anniversary gala.

(My first big event since Covid. It’s semi-outdoors and I’m boosted with a full third dose, and have a dressy mask, but I’m very nervous about my social skills with people who aren’t family or best friends. My husband’s not coming which is an extra stressor, but my brother has said he’ll be my date and stick by me all night so we may just find a corner and people watch. As you can tell by my chatty over-sharing I’m VERY NERVOUS. Anybody know a good sub to vent and get advice for this?)

Read "The Gift of Fear" [link]

It tells you how to stay safe and improve your situational awareness. Also keep in mind that sex trafficking has increased so be extra aware of cars that are moving slower than they should. The risk of it happening is very low overall, but the consequences are too high to ignore it. Never worry about being polite. Never get in a car.

Long ago, at a workshop on poisoned workplaces, my kid's mother was recommended this book.
[link]

Gavin de Becker does security for celebrities; I often see his firm's vans at film shoots around my small city.
He offers clear and concise advice for people who may be in danger.
e.g. When interviewing a baby sitter ask: 'Have you ever abused a child?' e.g. your dog doesn't know shit about strangers, but she knows everything about you. If she reacts badly to a stranger she's sensing your uncertainty - that is the gift of fear.
I am not afraid for you, but this book is like seat belts, and condoms. You never really need them until it's too late to put them on.

Long ago my kid's mother attended a session on poisoned workplaces, and this book was recommended.
[link]

Since then I have given a half dozen copies to people I know. G de Becker does security for celebrities, I often see his company's security vans parked on film sites around town.
He offers clear and concise advice for people who may be in danger. e.g. When interviewing a baby sitter, ask 'Have you ever abused a child?' That's what you're worried about, ask it right out, don't beat around the bush.

I'm not afraid for you, but this book is like seat belts and condoms. When you need them it's too late to put them on.

Trust your instincts. If someone makes you uncomfortable, realize it may be your subconscious is picking up clues that signal danger. Don’t let your childhood training in politeness overcome your natural instincts.

[link]

Halfway through the first paragraph, I was saying, "Nope, nope, nope, nope."

It's okay to tell someone you don't want to exchange phone numbers. A normal person would respond with, "Oh yeah, I get that, privacy and all that." A creeper makes excuses.

Protect yourself. Read "The Gift of Fear". You are fully justified in just saying, "no thanks".

Before you do anything with restraining orders, please read The Gift of Fear. It's all about learning to trust your instincts. There is also a chapter devoted to abusive partners, and how to read the signs of whether or not they will commit violence toward you or others. There is a lot of advice in the book about restraining orders. A lot of the time it is sadly a very bad idea, and the woman ends up getting killed.

I'm not trying to just scare you, I want to make sure you have more information and do things in a smart way so that you and your family stay safe. Just based off what I read in your post, I would say that your husband is the kind of person that would react very poorly to a restraining order. A restraining order is just a piece of paper. It will not protect you. Often times it actually makes things worse, by angering the abuser enough to turn to violence. You should definitely still document everything with the police though.

I honestly would also get you and your mother out of her house. Go stay somewhere that your husband doesn't know about. Go to the beach, or just get a hotel in town. I am honestly very afraid that your husband will work himself up (possibly with the help of his brother and mother) and come over to your mothers house with the gun.

Please read the book! I think it will help you gain clarity and have more information on resources and what to do next.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I've had two stalkers, and I know how unsettling it is. Have you read The Gift of Fear? I highly recommend it, I found it to be full of good advice and it helped me contextualize my experiences.

This is article is why I started listening! My friend sent me this article and recommended the podcast. :D

They're right though, fuck politeness, there's a reason your intuition is saying GTFO so never ignore it to not seem like a bitch to anyone. Especially a stranger, fuck them. In that vein I'd like to recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for anyone who has not read it. He explains how important it is to heed these warnings from ourselves. He also mentions how women are so conditioned not to offend and to ignore that shit and stay fucking safe and sexy when you know things are wrong.

You do not gently talk to him. Read that book. Block and avoid him on all fronts. If he buys anything from you do a refund/charge back on him so you're not obligated to sell him anything. Stay silent, keep blocking him, don't let him manipulate you into speaking.

Finally, the last and ONLY thing you say before the above is "I do not wish you to contact me anymore and any further communication from you will be sent directly to the police as harassment."

If you have his contact and photos screen cap them for the police and file a report when he calls your bluff.

Finally PM me a link to your store. Others can attest: I'm a girl. I just like kawaii toys.

Good thinking! Glad you posted this. Sometimes people do this stuff without even considering the consequences.

Also, if I may, I'd like to suggest to anyone and everyone to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Truly the most important book I've ever read and I think it should be required reading for every high school in America. It gives clear & important information about a host of situations a person (but especially a woman) may find themselves in.

https://smile.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1534289861&sr=8-2&keywords=the+gift+of+fear

Client here. I agree with /u/Canadian_Escort's suggestions. I would also recommend the following:

If you worry about some perceived imperfection (acne, scarring, stretch marks, etc) know that most of your clients won't even notice, and most won't care even if you do. And some will pick you because of something you might regard as a flaw. Always keep in mind that they wouldn't have picked you, unless they were attracted to the overall gestalt of you.
It doesn't matter if you come across as new. Many of your clients will be more nervous than you are. Think of your newness as a positive, especially in the context of someone being nervous to see you. "Oh, I'm new to this, too, honey, let's take good care of each other..."
Remember, you own the room. Don't be afraid to assert yourself, and lay down the law.
Listen to your gut. Read the book The Gift of Fear. Don't hesitate to end a session or cancel a client if they give you the heebie jeebies. Better to risk offending a client than to end up severely injured or dead.
Looks are important, but they aren't the only thing. You'll be picked at first because of your looks. But men will keep coming back because of the emotional connection you make with them--your warmth, friendliness, and conversational ability. Even if you're not at all attracted to a client--as will be commonly the case--try to look for some aspect about them that you are attracted to, and focus on that.
Don't tolerate bad behavior, but don't take it personally. There may be something going on in their world that's causing them pain--entirely unrelated to you--that causes them to lash out. Try to judge yourself only on your actions, not on their reactions to you.
Expect that clients will likely experience a greater emotional connection to you than you will to them. Sex work is a combination of therapy, theater, and massage. Like a skilled actor, the better your performance, the more connection a client will feel toward you. This is good in many ways, as it satisfies a need that many men have, and will make it more likely that they will come back. However, some clients will mistake your performance for a real, romantic connection. If you sense that is the case, don't hesitate to be blunt and re-assert the limits of what you can offer them--an excellent performance, yes, but not the real thing.
Try to get them talking about the things that interest them. Even if it's a topic that would normally be dry as dust for you (sports, let's say, or accounting), try to see it through their eyes. Why are they excited about it?
Take a look at this list of suggestions for an outcall bag gleaned from posts to /r/sexworkers. Perhaps some of them will be helpful to you?
Most of your clients will be sweethearts. However, stalkers and other bad apples are a professional hazard for any sex worker. Be prepared for a small percentage of your clients to fixate on you to an unhealthy degree, and be guarded with your personal information. Don't share your personal details with any client.
Paraphrasing /u/redheaded_harlot, treat the sex like birthday sex for your partner: focus on them, show them the best time, and try to really make it special. But if you don't want to do something, don't do it. Don't exhaust or hurt yourself.

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Gavin de Becker. Highly recommended.

He makes the important point and fine distinction which many people miss in these conversations; our feelings aren't evidence or proof, but we should trust our instincts where violence is a possibility.

> this woman is smarter than the others. she knows how to play nice, bide her time and strike when it will hurt the most. she is the most dangerous type of crazy, the one who gets away with it.

New Friend DIL:

First of all, welcome to this sub! You will find to your relief that you and your DH are absolutely not alone in having to deal with horrible MILs.

Please be sure to go through the Worst of the Worst MILs linked in the sidebar, as well as the Top Posts of All Time. Be prepared for some deeply frightening stories. No lie, there have been MILs who have killed or attempted to kill their DILs or SILs, have kidnapped their grandchildren, and more.

I point you to those stories to help you understand exactly how far crazy MILs are willing to go. u/cheshireslaciei's post indicates that you've let her back into your life before. I want you to understand that continuing to do so could potentially end up with one of you dead. This woman nearly murdered DIL with an allergen, (very probably) killed your dog, and has manipulated things so that any link to her involvement is tenuous at best. And on top of that, she's shown she's will to run a long con in order to hurt someone. Psychologically, that places her firmly in with the likes of many developing serial killers. You need to react accordingly.

u/cheshireslaciei says that you're NC for good this time, but just in case you feel tempted years down the road to try it again? Re-read those stories I linked to before you do so.

I apologize if my tone is blunt, and I want to assure you that you're among friends here. The people on this sub are amazing and will give you the gift of what they learned from their experiences with MILs who terrorize their families. They will encourage you when you're down, listen while you vent, advise you when you need help, and be there when no one else understands.

But I also want to make clear: you're dealing with a level of pure malice that this group has encountered too many times (start with "MIL in the Wild: “You’re such a bad little girl. See, mummy’s leaving you here. She’s gone without you. No car for you” and then read the updates). We've seen how things play out with MILs like this (start with "Vacation Bitch: the Beginning"). We know how this movie ends

I want to encourage you to trust your instincts on how dangerous this woman is (read The Gift of Fear to understand why this is important). You cannot cut this cancer out of your life fast enough.

u/cheshireslaciei: I absolutely hate it that you're going through all of this for being a decent human being and standing up to protect a child. I'm so proud of you for doing that, I can't begin to imagine how hard all of this is on you. I wish there was something I could do to help, and I cannot wish enough bad things on this woman.

Give this book a read https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/

Read Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear".

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

If you're gonna rock AIWB you'll want a holster with a claw and wedge, and ride height adjustment. Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m58IBC9SCGE

Vedder Lighttuck is the one that gets shilled most commonly around here because it's reliably mid-range price, solid quality, and very versatile hardware. The ones u/Tactically_Fat listed are higher up the food chain and excellent.

Belt: For leather, Hank's also makes a good belt. If you want to try a nylon one, check out the Blue Alpha Gear low profile EDC.

Knife: very, very much personal preference. I carry the Benchmade Mini-Barrage with a deep carry clip. Might also want to consider a little admin light like the Streamlight Microstream USB... the knife and light get used easily two dozen times a day.

Training: There are some really great resources out there if you're a reader.

...on the self-defense mindset: The Gift of Fear
...on the laws and mindset of carrying a firearm: Deadly Force and The Law of Self Defense (Also, this video sums up Deadly Force in about 2 hours.)
...on handgun techniques and training: Navy Seal Shooting and The Perfect Pistol Shot.

There are some other posts in here that deal with car storage in more depth, but the general consensus seems to be that long-term storage in the car is a fairly bad idea. They make cheap little lockboxes and console safes that are OK for quick trips (going inside the post office or something) but for longer-term all-day storage you'll probably want a secure thing like a Fort Knix that bolts down to the car frame. I think they're a couple hundred bucks.

Great setup, and congrats!! If you're a reader I'd highly recommend these:

These three are must-reads for new carriers. The Gift of Fear is easily the best thing I've read in years.

Might want to snag something like snapsafe lockbox with cable ($15-20ish) for under your car seat if you ever need to pop in somewhere with a no gun policy.

I've read (and given my sister) a book called "The Gift of Fear" that I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

It describes (with examples and case studies) the various ways predators will manipulate you. This reminds me of one of the warning signs outlined in the book, which I'll paraphrase: "Someone offering you a favor you did not ask for and then not listening when you demur is someone who is not listening to you and who likely has a hidden agenda. Bail, and don't feel bad about it."

Highly recommend the book. Glad you got out of there.

It doesn't quite fit what you're asking for, but every woman should read The Gift of Fear

Hmm, come to think of it, it might have a use case here. And you are right, with training it's possible to find the right combo. I would still err on the side of simplicity, but that's me.

OP: some books you might want to read: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becke, and ConCom: Conflict Communication by Rory Miller. If you need to pick one, choose The Gift of Fear.

A manual for dealing with stalkers and other dangerous individuals.

For more info: The Gift of Fear [link]

The Gift of Fear

[Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

]([link])

If they were decent, normal people, they would say that they understand why you don't come around, and wouldn't pressure your boyfriend about making you come over. They miss the cooking and cleaning.

You have good, logical reasons to stay away, but probably have some gut feelings, too. The 15 year old is "just" nasty now, but if anything really bad happened, no one in that house would help you.

Even though you aren't in immediate danger, the lessons in this book are useful for everyone.

The Gift of Fear is about listening to your intuition and fear to stay safe.

Here is a super important tip from Oprah based on the book. [link]

Book [link]

They may also be narcissists. Take a look at /r/raisedbynarcissists to see if they fit the profile.

I hate that you had this experience, nobody should have to fear being accosted simply by going to the store.

Thursday night is Lady's Night at Athens Gun Club, I encourage every woman to consider getting trained, licensed, and armed. Also please think about taking a self defense course, watching a series like Finding Fearless, or at minimum reading The Gift of Fear.

P.S. the buddy system is a really good idea.

These aren't videos, but if you're a reader I'd highly recommend these:

The first three are must-reads. The Gift of Fear is easily the best thing I've read in years.

#5 is primarily about technique but it's really good.

#6 and #7 I've downloaded on recommendations and they look good, but I haven't started them yet.

Being the cerebral type, you might love digging into some good books on the subject. If I may recommend a few...

If you're a reader, here are a couple I'd recommend:

... on the self-defense mindset: The Gift of Fear

... on the laws and mindset of carrying a firearm: Deadly Force and The Law of Self Defense (Also, this video sums up Deadly Force in about 2 hours.)

... on handgun techniques and training: Navy Seal Shooting and The Perfect Pistol Shot.

The two legal ones are a bit dry but critical. The Gift of Fear is one of the best books I’ve read in years, and The Perfect Pistol Shot is a deliciously intellectual look at marksmanship.

Dry fire until you're purple. You can do 80% of your training, mostly everything other than recoil management and follow-up shots, without leaving your living room. It's not as sexy or fun, it's laborious and it can be frustrating, but damn if it isn't worth the investment of time and effort. If your training is a ballpark ratio of 5:1 dry fire to live fire, your skill level will skyrocket and you'll save tons of money on ammo. A case of ammo can last you 10 range trips if you're meticulous and relentless on what and why you're training. You can practice things like draw and reloads 10,000 times without ever needing to fire a single shot.

A laser cartridge makes dry fire training way more fun. Something like the g-sight ELMS works great.

If you're a reader, here are a couple I'd recommend:

... on the self-defense mindset: The Gift of Fear

... on the laws and mindset of carrying a firearm: Deadly Force and The Law of Self Defense (Also, this video sums up Deadly Force in about 2 hours.)

... on handgun techniques and training: Navy Seal Shooting and The Perfect Pistol Shot*

... on dry fire specifically, an option to get to this one after the others if you really want to challenge yourself with some more drills and stuff: Dry Fire Reloaded

*This one I'm admittedly only halfway through (just started it yesterday and can't put it down) but it is absolutely remarkable and I wish I'd read it ages ago. This book is a fucking unbelievable training resource.

Also... check out r/NoobGunOwners, it's a super welcoming and low-judgment sub for all the new questions from sight picture to cleaning to setting up your range bag.

Gut instincts are important to listen to. They are subconscious cues you pick up that have a visceral reaction in the form of 'gut instincts'.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an important resource to have, and helps shed light on that gut feeling and why it is important. It has floated around in other forum posts, with much better breakdowns but I'll keep it bland.

The first answer I'll give is more secular coming from my experience as an ER Nurse and previous EMS. You are the kind of young woman predators target. You're vulnerable, unsure and in pain. Whether it's just some letch or someone even more malevolent like a trafficker, you are the kind they like. You absolutely should get a counselor.

What is Reddit's opinion of The Gift of Fear? From 3.5 billion comments As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. The following content includes affiliate links for which I may make a small commission at no extra cost to you should you make a purchase.

Popularity across Reddit:

41 reviews of this product found across Reddit:

What is Reddit's opinion of The Gift of Fear?
From 3.5 billion comments

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. The following content includes affiliate links for which I may make a small commission at no extra cost to you should you make a purchase.