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The Gift of Fear?
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I guess I'll be the oddball here and say that leaving a situation which makes you feel unsafe is the best, ideal reaction. Your body is telling you that you should be scared and that you should leave, always listen.
>The nation's leading expert on predicting violent behavior unlocks the puzzle of human violence and shows that, like every creature on earth, we have within us the ability to predict the harm others might do us and get out of its way. ... [the author] teaches us how to read the signs, using our most basic but often most discounted survival skill - our intuition.
Fear is a <em>gift</em>. Always listen to it.
There is a place and time to be assertive, but: if you are alone, if you are outnumbered, if the person could overpower you, if the person seems unwell or out of control, if your gut is telling you that you are in danger - then that is not the time to be assertive or to try and teach someone a lesson.
No person that is harassing you is worth your safety or your life.
My psychiatrist reccomended I read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It was certainly a helpful read.
i'm the worst for tl;dr's and it's been awhile since i read it anyway so i'd be wary to try to summarize haha, but the book is The Gift of Fear, i think it's like ~~$10~~ $6.39, apparently! as an ebook on amazon, though i'm sure it can be found easily on libgen for free as well. Gavin de Becker is a security consultant, came up with the protocol to evaluate threats to Supreme Court Justices and whatnot, so figuring out who's actually dangerous and how to de-escalate a situation is really his Thing. book was very interesting IMO and worth reading :) the stuff about firing a potentially dangerous person is towards the end of the book as far as i remember.
For anyone who is hesitant on this talk of trusting your 'feeling' about events going on, give the book 'The Gift of Fear' a look.
Opinions and feelings aren't all you go on in events like this, but they are a starting point to get to the actual facts and are often reliable.
> So my question is, how do you safely leave an abuser? We thought she did everything right. And she still lost her life.
Not OP, but there is a book that answers this question that I found life changing. If you're interested in this subject, the book is called The Gift of Fear (non-affiliate Amazon link) and is written by Gavin deBecker, a survivor of childhood DV who now specializes in protective services.
His take on it is that the very best protective tool we all have is our own gut, how ignoring it has been trained out of adults (especially women), and how to get it back and use it to protect yourself.
He addresses your specific question at length and in great depth as well -- WHY leaving an abuser is the most dangerous part of DV -- and what can be done from all angles (personal, practical, financial, etc) to minimize that danger. The problem is that people who are trying to leave DV, especially without outside help, often don't recognize the point of leaving as being as dangerous as it truly is.
Whether you're a guy or a girl, this book may well change your life -- it did mine -- and cause you to look at these situations in a whole new way. I can't recommend it enough.
Above all else, trust your instincts!!
Even when you can't quite put your finger on what it is that is freaking you out, oftentimes it is your subconscious survival instinct trying to tell you that something is not right. For the sake of your safety, listen to that voice!
That is basically the central thesis of this great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Definitely check it out if/when you have a minute.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hate that the people around you are making you feel like you're crazy. Please know that you are not overreacting. You can't be too careful when it comes to protecting yourself. Good luck to you, I hope you stay safe!
1- Keep detailed records of all interactions. Everything. Calls, texts, emails, letters, suspicious activities, complaints to police... all of it.
2- Get The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and read it. Twice.
3- Take appropriate measures to hide all your info.
4- Buy a gun. Take professional training classes.
​
I wish you well
Trust your instincts and go read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker...
This book should be required reading for everyone but especially young women.
Honestly? Ignore them. I don't mean the specific emails, I mean the individual in all the forms they try to harass you. Your best case is that they keep using one specific account because you can use mail rules to file the messages directly to the trash (or a folder of your choice, marked as read, in case you ever need evidence).
If you want to try and make them move along to another mailbox or another service immediately, you can contact with the full message (raw body and headers -- Mention what mail client or service you're using and I or someone will help you get the needed info).
I say "make them move along..." because the reality is that it takes less time and energy for them to set up a new account than it takes you to try and get it shut down, and they know they still have your attention the whole time as their accounts keep getting shut down, so they're motivated to keep going and you're stuck in a cycle of unintentionally feeding them reasons to harass you further.
I would highly recommend reading The Gift of Fear as it goes into various real-world cases of stalking, discusses motivations, and how to get them to go away.
If you are feeling uneasy about it it means that you picked up something wrong subconsciously.
Let him come to you. Meeting a stranger in a city you are not familiar with (and who is one of those 50 shades inspired dominant) is not a good idea.
I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin De becker.
There are some major red flags here.
a) he is only 26
b) wanting a sex slave.. a lot of those so called "dominant" guys are just abusers who use BDSM as a cover to be sexually rough and ignoring your boundaries
c) cuckholding plus you being sub could mean that he might want you to do a gang bang or have sex (for free) with his friends. This could put you in a super dangerous situation and even at risk of being trafficked or pimped out.
d) your instincts tell you not to meet him. ALWAYS trust your instincts. You subconsciously picked up something and this is why you are hesitant about it
I recommend that you block him and do not meet him. Also read this book
Yeah its a shit explanation of the book. Here’s the blurb from Amazon -
*In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.
He says he loves you. So...why does he do that?
You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about:
• The early warning signs of abuse
• The nature of abusive thinking
• Myths about abusers
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can’t
• And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely*
I’ve read it and found it very useful. I think this book and The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker are both required reading for people in abusive relationships, or for people who have abusive parents. Although “Why does He Do That” is specifically aimed at women dealing with abusive partners, I can see it would be useful for any person dealing with an abusive man in their lives, whether that’s a boss, a parent, or a co-worker.
The gift of fear is a great book about intuition. Maybe it will help you find or trust yours. It seemed to be written really just to get you to trust your intuition but maybe it will help.
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_HS5XJA0K8VFZX9AHDFBP
Dude, just for the record, NO, this situation is NOT "totally your fault and all that."
Only assholes and psychos respond to breakups the way this guy is responding. It is NOT your fault that he is responding that way.
Google the name of your state plus "restraining order" to see how to potentially get a restraining order. And please read at least the chapter on stalkers in this excellent book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker (he's a security expert and this book is AMAZING): https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A
Came here to say this! I read that book years ago and it had me hooked from page 1. Always trust your gut.
Hey just FYI, you seem like a super smart and emotionally mature young woman and I'm really proud of you! Stick to your guns and TRUST YOUR GUT.
It's not 100% relevant here but I recommend it to every woman I know because it saved my life: Gift of Fear.
Thank heavens you are all right and a track star! Lucky the police were close by as well.
People are desperate and I suspect your assailants thought two against one was fair odds for them.
Two pieces of advice:
Even from as distance, keep your keys in your hand when approaching your destination. You don't have to fumble for them it something untoward happens and you can use them as a weapon if need be.
Read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and tell everyone you know to read it. The book teaches how to recognize subtle signs of danger and pay attention to 'gut' feelings in order to ideally protect ourselves.
Again, glad you are fine and won the foot race.
Don't feel guilty for following your intuition the results are as follows
You say no and he is a genuine nice guy, there is a slight embarrassment
You say no and he is dodgy, you saved yourself from being hurt.
No is a complete sentence, you don't have to justify or explain your answer.
Its worth reading the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. I read it when studying Krav Maga and it really helped.
Book on Amazon
I have been recommended Gift of Fear and heard about it so much here and can’t believe I’ve never read it! Thank you for reminding me.
<em>Gift of Fear</em> actually currently available on Kindle Unlimited (so free for subscribers!) and only $6.39 on Kindle for non-subscribers, so thats a good deal for an ebook! It‘ll be perfect for me to read on the 4-hour ride up to Dallas this weekend for my aunt and uncle‘s huge fancy 25th wedding anniversary gala.
(My first big event since Covid. It’s semi-outdoors and I’m boosted with a full third dose, and have a dressy mask, but I’m very nervous about my social skills with people who aren’t family or best friends. My husband’s not coming which is an extra stressor, but my brother has said he’ll be my date and stick by me all night so we may just find a corner and people watch. As you can tell by my chatty over-sharing I’m VERY NERVOUS. Anybody know a good sub to vent and get advice for this?)
Read "The Gift of Fear" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_5JBTY37ZTJ8DC0WRAH6J
It tells you how to stay safe and improve your situational awareness. Also keep in mind that sex trafficking has increased so be extra aware of cars that are moving slower than they should. The risk of it happening is very low overall, but the consequences are too high to ignore it. Never worry about being polite. Never get in a car.
Long ago, at a workshop on poisoned workplaces, my kid's mother was recommended this book.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+gift+of+fear&qid=1626023628&sr=8-1
Gavin de Becker does security for celebrities; I often see his firm's vans at film shoots around my small city.
He offers clear and concise advice for people who may be in danger.
e.g. When interviewing a baby sitter ask: 'Have you ever abused a child?' e.g. your dog doesn't know shit about strangers, but she knows everything about you. If she reacts badly to a stranger she's sensing your uncertainty - that is the gift of fear.
I am not afraid for you, but this book is like seat belts, and condoms. You never really need them until it's too late to put them on.
Long ago my kid's mother attended a session on poisoned workplaces, and this book was recommended.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+gift+of+fear&qid=1626023628&sr=8-1
Since then I have given a half dozen copies to people I know. G de Becker does security for celebrities, I often see his company's security vans parked on film sites around town.
He offers clear and concise advice for people who may be in danger. e.g. When interviewing a baby sitter, ask 'Have you ever abused a child?' That's what you're worried about, ask it right out, don't beat around the bush.
I'm not afraid for you, but this book is like seat belts and condoms. When you need them it's too late to put them on.
Trust your instincts. If someone makes you uncomfortable, realize it may be your subconscious is picking up clues that signal danger. Don’t let your childhood training in politeness overcome your natural instincts.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Halfway through the first paragraph, I was saying, "Nope, nope, nope, nope."
It's okay to tell someone you don't want to exchange phone numbers. A normal person would respond with, "Oh yeah, I get that, privacy and all that." A creeper makes excuses.
Protect yourself. Read "The Gift of Fear". You are fully justified in just saying, "no thanks".
Before you do anything with restraining orders, please read The Gift of Fear. It's all about learning to trust your instincts. There is also a chapter devoted to abusive partners, and how to read the signs of whether or not they will commit violence toward you or others. There is a lot of advice in the book about restraining orders. A lot of the time it is sadly a very bad idea, and the woman ends up getting killed.
I'm not trying to just scare you, I want to make sure you have more information and do things in a smart way so that you and your family stay safe. Just based off what I read in your post, I would say that your husband is the kind of person that would react very poorly to a restraining order. A restraining order is just a piece of paper. It will not protect you. Often times it actually makes things worse, by angering the abuser enough to turn to violence. You should definitely still document everything with the police though.
I honestly would also get you and your mother out of her house. Go stay somewhere that your husband doesn't know about. Go to the beach, or just get a hotel in town. I am honestly very afraid that your husband will work himself up (possibly with the help of his brother and mother) and come over to your mothers house with the gun.
Please read the book! I think it will help you gain clarity and have more information on resources and what to do next.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I've had two stalkers, and I know how unsettling it is. Have you read The Gift of Fear? I highly recommend it, I found it to be full of good advice and it helped me contextualize my experiences.
This is article is why I started listening! My friend sent me this article and recommended the podcast. :D
They're right though, fuck politeness, there's a reason your intuition is saying GTFO so never ignore it to not seem like a bitch to anyone. Especially a stranger, fuck them. In that vein I'd like to recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for anyone who has not read it. He explains how important it is to heed these warnings from ourselves. He also mentions how women are so conditioned not to offend and to ignore that shit and stay fucking safe and sexy when you know things are wrong.
You do not gently talk to him. Read that book. Block and avoid him on all fronts. If he buys anything from you do a refund/charge back on him so you're not obligated to sell him anything. Stay silent, keep blocking him, don't let him manipulate you into speaking.
Finally, the last and ONLY thing you say before the above is "I do not wish you to contact me anymore and any further communication from you will be sent directly to the police as harassment."
If you have his contact and photos screen cap them for the police and file a report when he calls your bluff.
Finally PM me a link to your store. Others can attest: I'm a girl. I just like kawaii toys.
Good thinking! Glad you posted this. Sometimes people do this stuff without even considering the consequences.
Also, if I may, I'd like to suggest to anyone and everyone to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Truly the most important book I've ever read and I think it should be required reading for every high school in America. It gives clear & important information about a host of situations a person (but especially a woman) may find themselves in.
Client here. I agree with /u/Canadian_Escort's suggestions. I would also recommend the following:
If you worry about some perceived imperfection (acne, scarring, stretch marks, etc) know that most of your clients won't even notice, and most won't care even if you do. And some will pick you because of something you might regard as a flaw. Always keep in mind that they wouldn't have picked you, unless they were attracted to the overall gestalt of you.
It doesn't matter if you come across as new. Many of your clients will be more nervous than you are. Think of your newness as a positive, especially in the context of someone being nervous to see you. "Oh, I'm new to this, too, honey, let's take good care of each other..."
Remember, you own the room. Don't be afraid to assert yourself, and lay down the law.
Listen to your gut. Read the book The Gift of Fear. Don't hesitate to end a session or cancel a client if they give you the heebie jeebies. Better to risk offending a client than to end up severely injured or dead.
Looks are important, but they aren't the only thing. You'll be picked at first because of your looks. But men will keep coming back because of the emotional connection you make with them--your warmth, friendliness, and conversational ability. Even if you're not at all attracted to a client--as will be commonly the case--try to look for some aspect about them that you are attracted to, and focus on that.
Don't tolerate bad behavior, but don't take it personally. There may be something going on in their world that's causing them pain--entirely unrelated to you--that causes them to lash out. Try to judge yourself only on your actions, not on their reactions to you.
Expect that clients will likely experience a greater emotional connection to you than you will to them. Sex work is a combination of therapy, theater, and massage. Like a skilled actor, the better your performance, the more connection a client will feel toward you. This is good in many ways, as it satisfies a need that many men have, and will make it more likely that they will come back. However, some clients will mistake your performance for a real, romantic connection. If you sense that is the case, don't hesitate to be blunt and re-assert the limits of what you can offer them--an excellent performance, yes, but not the real thing.
Try to get them talking about the things that interest them. Even if it's a topic that would normally be dry as dust for you (sports, let's say, or accounting), try to see it through their eyes. Why are they excited about it?
Take a look at this list of suggestions for an outcall bag gleaned from posts to /r/sexworkers. Perhaps some of them will be helpful to you?
Most of your clients will be sweethearts. However, stalkers and other bad apples are a professional hazard for any sex worker. Be prepared for a small percentage of your clients to fixate on you to an unhealthy degree, and be guarded with your personal information. Don't share your personal details with any client.
Paraphrasing /u/redheaded_harlot, treat the sex like birthday sex for your partner: focus on them, show them the best time, and try to really make it special. But if you don't want to do something, don't do it. Don't exhaust or hurt yourself.
Gavin de Becker. Highly recommended.
He makes the important point and fine distinction which many people miss in these conversations; our feelings aren't evidence or proof, but we should trust our instincts where violence is a possibility.
> this woman is smarter than the others. she knows how to play nice, bide her time and strike when it will hurt the most. she is the most dangerous type of crazy, the one who gets away with it.
New Friend DIL:
First of all, welcome to this sub! You will find to your relief that you and your DH are absolutely not alone in having to deal with horrible MILs.
Please be sure to go through the Worst of the Worst MILs linked in the sidebar, as well as the Top Posts of All Time. Be prepared for some deeply frightening stories. No lie, there have been MILs who have killed or attempted to kill their DILs or SILs, have kidnapped their grandchildren, and more.
I point you to those stories to help you understand exactly how far crazy MILs are willing to go. u/cheshireslaciei's post indicates that you've let her back into your life before. I want you to understand that continuing to do so could potentially end up with one of you dead. This woman nearly murdered DIL with an allergen, (very probably) killed your dog, and has manipulated things so that any link to her involvement is tenuous at best. And on top of that, she's shown she's will to run a long con in order to hurt someone. Psychologically, that places her firmly in with the likes of many developing serial killers. You need to react accordingly.
u/cheshireslaciei says that you're NC for good this time, but just in case you feel tempted years down the road to try it again? Re-read those stories I linked to before you do so.
I apologize if my tone is blunt, and I want to assure you that you're among friends here. The people on this sub are amazing and will give you the gift of what they learned from their experiences with MILs who terrorize their families. They will encourage you when you're down, listen while you vent, advise you when you need help, and be there when no one else understands.
But I also want to make clear: you're dealing with a level of pure malice that this group has encountered too many times (start with "MIL in the Wild: “You’re such a bad little girl. See, mummy’s leaving you here. She’s gone without you. No car for you” and then read the updates). We've seen how things play out with MILs like this (start with "Vacation Bitch: the Beginning"). We know how this movie ends
I want to encourage you to trust your instincts on how dangerous this woman is (read The Gift of Fear to understand why this is important). You cannot cut this cancer out of your life fast enough.
u/cheshireslaciei: I absolutely hate it that you're going through all of this for being a decent human being and standing up to protect a child. I'm so proud of you for doing that, I can't begin to imagine how hard all of this is on you. I wish there was something I could do to help, and I cannot wish enough bad things on this woman.
Give this book a read https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker-ebook/dp/B0036Z9U2A/
Read Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear".
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
If you're gonna rock AIWB you'll want a holster with a claw and wedge, and ride height adjustment. Check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m58IBC9SCGE
Vedder Lighttuck is the one that gets shilled most commonly around here because it's reliably mid-range price, solid quality, and very versatile hardware. The ones u/Tactically_Fat listed are higher up the food chain and excellent.
Belt: For leather, Hank's also makes a good belt. If you want to try a nylon one, check out the Blue Alpha Gear low profile EDC.
Knife: very, very much personal preference. I carry the Benchmade Mini-Barrage with a deep carry clip. Might also want to consider a little admin light like the Streamlight Microstream USB... the knife and light get used easily two dozen times a day.
Training: There are some really great resources out there if you're a reader.
- ...on the self-defense mindset: The Gift of Fear
- ...on the laws and mindset of carrying a firearm: Deadly Force and The Law of Self Defense (Also, this video sums up Deadly Force in about 2 hours.)
- ...on handgun techniques and training: Navy Seal Shooting and The Perfect Pistol Shot.
There are some other posts in here that deal with car storage in more depth, but the general consensus seems to be that long-term storage in the car is a fairly bad idea. They make cheap little lockboxes and console safes that are OK for quick trips (going inside the post office or something) but for longer-term all-day storage you'll probably want a secure thing like a Fort Knix that bolts down to the car frame. I think they're a couple hundred bucks.
Great setup, and congrats!! If you're a reader I'd highly recommend these:
These three are must-reads for new carriers. The Gift of Fear is easily the best thing I've read in years.
Might want to snag something like snapsafe lockbox with cable ($15-20ish) for under your car seat if you ever need to pop in somewhere with a no gun policy.
You feel like that because he is a threat. Please read this book:
We are all born with VERY GOOD survival instincts and an innate "spidey sense" that detects danger. It's bred into us from our cave man ancestors. The problem is that "civilized" society teaches us, ESPECIALLY women, to ignore it in the name of being polite, not making waves, not hurting anyone's feelings, etc. While those are noble instincts, they aren't always a good thing when they make you ignore very valid feelings that something is off about someone and they are Not. Safe.
You've seen the Barbie dolls which is disturbing enough. You KNOW he hates people who believe as you do. Then you found him, uninvited, ON YOUR PROPERTY. And-you don't mention-did he have seed with him? Did he have tools? Did he even know what kind of grass you prefer? And-why wouldn't he knock on the door and tell you this BEFORE skulking around your property UNINVITED when he knows YOU ARE AT HOME ALONE. The "going to seed your lawn for you" story is total bullshit. You know this. Your subconscious is SCREAMING at you that this is not normal behavior and this guy is not to be trusted, but you are ignoring it and apologizing to HIM for being scared when he was TRESPASSING on your property. PLEASE start listening to your instincts.
At this point, I would say this particular incident is over, and the opportunity to make a stink has passed and might just inflame further problems. Document it, so you have a record, but let it go for now. BUT get some security cameras installed, some motion sensor lighting, and a Ring doorbell, and if you do see him on your property uninvited again, TELL HIM TO LEAVE and not to trespass again, and that if you do see him doing so, you will call the cops.
And stop being friendly to him or his wife. Polite nods, the neighbor "wave", sure but otherwise do not engage and just excuse yourself with "very busy" if they try to initiate conversation.
NTA
Also,
> the other said she's been feeling creeped out by Jalen since she met him
You should read the gift of fear
This book explains why we have bad vibes, why they are valid, and how to use them effectively.
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_3GFV3FGAVCXB99WX277C
I'm glad you got out safely, but no "joke" about rape is a joke and people who claim it is are enablers. Read The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_80VAZVVCNC9ZXWE6NA36
I've read (and given my sister) a book called "The Gift of Fear" that I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
It describes (with examples and case studies) the various ways predators will manipulate you. This reminds me of one of the warning signs outlined in the book, which I'll paraphrase: "Someone offering you a favor you did not ask for and then not listening when you demur is someone who is not listening to you and who likely has a hidden agenda. Bail, and don't feel bad about it."
Highly recommend the book. Glad you got out of there.
It doesn't quite fit what you're asking for, but every woman should read The Gift of Fear
Hmm, come to think of it, it might have a use case here. And you are right, with training it's possible to find the right combo. I would still err on the side of simplicity, but that's me.
OP: some books you might want to read: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becke, and ConCom: Conflict Communication by Rory Miller. If you need to pick one, choose The Gift of Fear.
A manual for dealing with stalkers and other dangerous individuals.
For more info: The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_1YC9FQ1HEGZHN7319W29
[Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself
If they were decent, normal people, they would say that they understand why you don't come around, and wouldn't pressure your boyfriend about making you come over. They miss the cooking and cleaning.
You have good, logical reasons to stay away, but probably have some gut feelings, too. The 15 year old is "just" nasty now, but if anything really bad happened, no one in that house would help you.
Even though you aren't in immediate danger, the lessons in this book are useful for everyone.
The Gift of Fear is about listening to your intuition and fear to stay safe.
Here is a super important tip from Oprah based on the book. https://youtu.be/bBProrposzc
Book https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_JK3FPJKBF93ZZDP50R4G
They may also be narcissists. Take a look at /r/raisedbynarcissists to see if they fit the profile.
I hate that you had this experience, nobody should have to fear being accosted simply by going to the store.
Thursday night is Lady's Night at Athens Gun Club, I encourage every woman to consider getting trained, licensed, and armed. Also please think about taking a self defense course, watching a series like Finding Fearless, or at minimum reading The Gift of Fear.
P.S. the buddy system is a really good idea.
These aren't videos, but if you're a reader I'd highly recommend these:
- The Gift of Fear
- Deadly Force
- The Law of Self Defense
- When Violence is the Answer
- Navy SEAL Shooting
- Facing Violence
- What Every BODY is Saying
The first three are must-reads. The Gift of Fear is easily the best thing I've read in years.
#5 is primarily about technique but it's really good.
#6 and #7 I've downloaded on recommendations and they look good, but I haven't started them yet.
Being the cerebral type, you might love digging into some good books on the subject. If I may recommend a few...
If you're a reader, here are a couple I'd recommend:
... on the self-defense mindset: The Gift of Fear
... on the laws and mindset of carrying a firearm: Deadly Force and The Law of Self Defense (Also, this video sums up Deadly Force in about 2 hours.)
... on handgun techniques and training: Navy Seal Shooting and The Perfect Pistol Shot.
The two legal ones are a bit dry but critical. The Gift of Fear is one of the best books I’ve read in years, and The Perfect Pistol Shot is a deliciously intellectual look at marksmanship.
Dry fire until you're purple. You can do 80% of your training, mostly everything other than recoil management and follow-up shots, without leaving your living room. It's not as sexy or fun, it's laborious and it can be frustrating, but damn if it isn't worth the investment of time and effort. If your training is a ballpark ratio of 5:1 dry fire to live fire, your skill level will skyrocket and you'll save tons of money on ammo. A case of ammo can last you 10 range trips if you're meticulous and relentless on what and why you're training. You can practice things like draw and reloads 10,000 times without ever needing to fire a single shot.
A laser cartridge makes dry fire training way more fun. Something like the g-sight ELMS works great.
If you're a reader, here are a couple I'd recommend:
... on the self-defense mindset: The Gift of Fear
... on the laws and mindset of carrying a firearm: Deadly Force and The Law of Self Defense (Also, this video sums up Deadly Force in about 2 hours.)
... on handgun techniques and training: Navy Seal Shooting and The Perfect Pistol Shot*
... on dry fire specifically, an option to get to this one after the others if you really want to challenge yourself with some more drills and stuff: Dry Fire Reloaded
*This one I'm admittedly only halfway through (just started it yesterday and can't put it down) but it is absolutely remarkable and I wish I'd read it ages ago. This book is a fucking unbelievable training resource.
Also... check out r/NoobGunOwners, it's a super welcoming and low-judgment sub for all the new questions from sight picture to cleaning to setting up your range bag.
Gut instincts are important to listen to. They are subconscious cues you pick up that have a visceral reaction in the form of 'gut instincts'.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an important resource to have, and helps shed light on that gut feeling and why it is important. It has floated around in other forum posts, with much better breakdowns but I'll keep it bland.
The first answer I'll give is more secular coming from my experience as an ER Nurse and previous EMS. You are the kind of young woman predators target. You're vulnerable, unsure and in pain. Whether it's just some letch or someone even more malevolent like a trafficker, you are the kind they like. You absolutely should get a counselor.
Also read this
On the spiritual side find a spiritual director or talk to a priest. You are a valuable person and loved by God. Reach out to him.
Wounds of the mind can lead to wounds of the spirit and the reverse.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 Gavin de Becker The Gift of Fear
> If she contacts me again, follows me, etc, then I am filing a report. I promise. I just, i want to wait.
Wait for what?
Seriously. Wait for what? What are you waiting for her to do? What does she have to do before you contact the police?
In his book <em>The Gift of Fear</em> (a book more people with a Nparent or JustNoMIL should read, honestly), author Gavin de Becker talks about how humans--especially women--actively ignore and suppress their natural danger instincts. His book focuses a lot on partner violence and stalking, but a lot of what he talks about can also be applicable to Nparents who are escalating:
> Every day, people engaged in the clever defiance of their own intuition become, in mid-thought, victims of violence and accidents. So when we wonder why we are victims so often, the answer is clear: It is because we are so good at it. A woman could offer no greater cooperation to her soon-to-be attacker than to spend her time telling herself, “But he seems like such a nice man.” Yet this is exactly what many people do. > > A woman is waiting for an elevator, and when the doors open she sees a man inside who causes her apprehension. Since she is not usually afraid, it may be the late hour, his size, the way he looks at her, the rate of attacks in the neighborhood, an article she read a year ago—it doesn’t matter why. The point is, she gets a feeling of fear. How does she respond to nature’s strongest survival signal? She suppresses it, telling herself: “I’m not going to live like that, I’m not going to insult this guy by letting the door close in his face.” When the fear doesn’t go away, she tells herself not to be so silly, and she gets into the elevator. > > Now, which is sillier: waiting a moment for the next elevator, or getting into a soundproofed steel chamber with a stranger she is afraid of?... > > ...Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn't so.
Your Nmom has given you a gift: all the information you need to know what to do next. Your intuition has recognized this and tried to warn you. People here have recognized what to do from their own experiences, and are advising you, giving you the change to learn from their mistakes.
> I know if I called the police now, I am destroying any possible future we have. I don't want to do that just yet. I know many people think I'm nuts. I just don't want to talk to her right now and I will decide when I want to talk to her again, not her.
If you don't call the police now, your Nmom will continue to escalate, and do everything in her power to take those decisions out of your hands. By the time her actions force you to involve the police, she may have forced your future into directions you don't particularly like.
Think about it. Please.
I just finished the gift of fear which is all about survival signals. Not exactly pickup based but a very interesting read.
Now Psycho-Cybernetics which is the original self-help book which coined the concept of your self-image and how that effects if you succeed or not
Next I plan to read iron john which is all about the ideas of masculinity
Popular alternatives to The Gift of Fear
The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
