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The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence?
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For sure. He had malicious attentions from the moment you felt it inwardly it’s also called red flags.
Learn to never deny your instinct and discernment, it’s a gift wired in to help you protect yourself. This could be the difference between life or death.
DO NOT GIVE ANYONE EVER the benefit of the doubt. Especially strangers, this creep invaded your personal space. He picked you. Say something to the staff report him. Also this book
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9nktCb4FAKCV9
Please read it! Seriously you are young and need to learn this. Everyone should! This stuff should be taught in schools. If I had half the skills taught in it, it would have saved me a lot of headaches over the years.
That is insane, but you were absolutely right to listen to your fear and act on it. If you haven’t read The Gift Of Fear I highly recommend it. Your situation sounds like one he would cover. So scary
I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.
Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's <em>The Gift of Fear</em>. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.
> I thought I was being silly to have a bad feeling about this guy and I didn't want to offend
Trust your instinct next time.
Highly recommend you pick up a copy of "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
>I've had this anxious feeling in the back of my mind ever since she showed up at my job last month before Christmas.
I suggest reading The Gift of Fear. It's a really great book about learning to trust your instincts when something seems off. Your mind is screaming, "Danger! Will Robinson" because your subconscious knows that something is about to go down. Be careful.
Great book. Been a while since I've read it, and I'm a guy, but I don't recall taking away the message that women/people need to be more fearful. It was more how to recognize and avoid dangerous situations.
I just point that out because for some reason I took your post as a variation of "be afraid don't do it" the first time I read it, but I think the book is a real and constructive approach to these problems.
Edit: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835 . Published in 1999, so should be able to find copies at libraries & used book stores, too.
There were so many red flags in this situation that she missed. This was a wake up call and a valuable lesson for her; thank goodness she is okay.
I have a book to recommend that she read. I asked my kids (adults now) to read it when they were younger, and frankly, I can recommend it highly to anyone and everyone. It's called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence" by Gavin De Becker. The book teaches you how to identify even subtle signs of danger, and how to trust your gut instincts.
That mod must have been mistaken then. The ref= in Amazon links often confuse people because they assume that ref means referral but Amazon affiliate links have tag={insertcodehere}-20 in them. Also, watch out for people who use short links, they're often doing that to hide an affiliate link. If you have any doubt, strip a link back to just after the product number. So in the case of the link posted above, you'd strip it back to https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/
That's a plain, direct link with no tags whatsoever.
You need to get treatment for your anxiety. In healthy people, “trusting your gut” can be very helpful (especially for women and children) There is a book called The Gift of Fear that is amazing. It talks about learning to distinguish the instincts you should trust from the noise. We are frequently socialized to disregard when someone is making us uneasy, we need to pay attention to that feeling. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OwtJBbTTJNGM0
Go to Amazon. Buy this book. "The Gift of Fear." Read it together with her.
It will not fix everything immediately. But it does provide an unparalleled big picture overview of stalking psychology, how to prevent it, and how to deal with it if it happens.
I've read nothing that explains it as well as this book. And nothing that provides the tools this book provides. I have given it to friends who are women and they said it changed how they handle strangers, pushy men, and people who test boundaries. It helps women protect themselves psychologically.
Reading it will be something you can do together that will help her feel like you are paying attention, that you get it, that you're in her corner, and that you want her to be mentally prepared (all of which it sounds like you are).
That stalker is a real winner winner chicken dinner. Fuck that dude.
And it goes without saying, but concealed carry classes for her, or at least Krav Maga, at the same time as reading that book.
> I don't know about a restraining order. They've been known to make situations worse
yeah I read that oft times a restraining order sometimes will set off a violent reaction in a stalker. there's a good book about how to deal with those types of people it was called "The Gift of Fear".
https://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835
Oh yeah I totally get your drift now.
If you haven't read it, I highly recommend this book:
Its an awesome read and really goes in depth about how the fear instinct evolved in us over the last 100,000 or so years.
I want to say so many things but I feel like it's better to just beg you to read the book "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. I also encourage you to put your restraining order goals on hold until you hopefully read the book. You can skip chapters to what is relevant if you want.
Hope this link works, Im on my phone: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_fdbQBbPAGGSYP
I genuinely hope this helps!
Actually makes me wonder if the only people without any fears are newborns...
That is the current theory. Most fears are actually learned either directly or by proxy.
There is a book called "The Gift of Fear" which is rather interesting. The author is a fear expert and he tells us what we are afraid of and what we really should be afraid of: two different conversations.
While you're ignoring him, read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
A date won't take "no" for an answer is one of the specific instances addressed in the book.
This is an awesome book you should read. I personally think everyone should read it, because it covers every day life skills relating to personal safety.
Actually, being able to fool said gut instinct is very bad and very dangerous. No one wants a relationship with a psychopath, I think every pill can agree on that.
Ideally, someone is socially adjusted and won't set off any sort of red flags. They won't need to worry about it.
In terms of what counts as "off," it's hard to quantify. It's the person that incites the "stay away from him" thought. It's a vibe that the dude may go shoot up a women's gym, and you need to get TF away from him now.
It's what this entire book is based on: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8
(That books should be required reading for life, TBH)
It's not like a creepy dude, or a "Nice Guy," where you can pinpoint actions that got the guy classified that way.
Before getting a restraining order, do read that book I recommended in the last thread that discusses how to handle crazies and stalkers. Restraining orders often serve to escalate the harassment and increase the potential of violence in stalker situations. I'm not saying don't consider a restraining order, just have all the facts before you take that step.
I'm still frankly disappointed that your manager is going to try and reason with a nutcase to adjust his behavior. It will only make things worse for you. Why is she giving him a chance to keep coming back to the store? There should be no option of "be nice or don't play in our sandbox" - he's used up his chances and should be asked to leave the next time he comes into the store.
PS - here's the link to that book on Amazon. If you have a Kindle it costs a bit over 6 bucks: http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426322604&sr=8-1&keywords=the+gift+of+fear
I recommend you read the book The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. It will help you in staying safe, but also help you recognize what situations are in fact not particularly dangerous, so you don't waste energy on worrying about them.
There's an excellent book by a guy with decades of experience managing this kind of thing professionally. I strongly suggest you read it. Some of his advice is counter-intuitive, but convincing when explained. The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
This is little consolation in light of these unspeakable events, but I just wanted to recommend a book to anyone who either knows a victim or might find themselves being victimized sometimes. I used what I learned in this book to save my own ass when two guys wouldn't let me off the subway late at night in NYC and it worked. I think it should be required reading for just about everyone.
Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.
My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.
The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION. There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.
I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.
From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.
But you know what? It's ok to be terrified. Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation. Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said, >When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.
If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.
You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)
When I was your age I felt the same way. Then as time passed I found out a friend was groped at the bar when some guy she didn’t see came up behind her and grabbed her mouth and crotch in a dark area of the dance floor. Nobody reacted or saw. When I was 25 that’s when a friend I was with got her drink spiked. Someone was dosing people in the club for shits. She went from pretty normal to fall down pass out real fast, we got her home and stayed with her until she was ok, but I don’t want to imagine what could of happened if she wasn’t with us. When I was 26 my roommate was raped, and I had already been sexually assaulted by a guy who lied about wearing a condom.
By the time I was 30 I had been staked by an ex, groped and had dudes I didn’t know suddenly grinding on my ass in the club. I don’t take public transportation but I’ve heard stories from my friends who take the bus of guys exposing themselves or rubbing their dick through their pants while trying to get eye contact with them.
These weren’t and aren’t daily occurrences. I’m pretty cautious by nature. I carry a carry a cat keychain and compared to most people I know I haven’t had to deal with some of the stuff they had. But I wasn’t and am not immune and neither are you.
Keep your head on a swivel. You have been lucky. I hope you stay that way. Point of this is just because you have been lucky and you beaten the statistic so far doesn’t mean that everyone has or that your luck will hold.
There’s a book I recommended to all young adults, especially young women. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. It’s thick but a quick read. I would suggest checking it out.
Before I tell my stories, I want to recommend that every woman read The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker. It's important to trust your intuition even if you feel worried about looking foolish. Your brain recognizes when things are off before your conscious mind is even aware of anything happening.
I've had multiple scary encounters over the years. But there are two that stand out to me the most.
I was about 17 or 18 and driving home from my after school job. I pulled on to my street that was next to a busy road, and noticed that a couple other cars had turned as well. I parked on the street in front of my family home, and the two cars also parked on the street. This wasn't unusual in my area (a lot of people park on the street) so I didn't think much of it. Some men got out of one of the cars, and they noticed me parked a bit behind them. When they saw me, they moved towards me and I got a bad gut feeling, so I quickly locked my driver's side door (manual locks). One of the men tried to open my driver's door. I had enough room to drive off, so I did that and went to my friend's house who lived a few blocks over.
In another situation, I was walking outside on a nice summer night after dark. It must have been about 9:30 or 10 pm. As I was walking, I noticed a car behind me. The man in the car slowed down and started following me. My gut said get the hell out of there, so I ran to my neighbor's house and rang the doorbell until they answered.
Those were just two of my experiences.
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Have you read The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence? I highly recommend it.
Read The Gift of Fear.
Read The Gift of Fear and The Truth of Self Protection. Excellent reads.
This is actually more dangerous than helpful to you. It was part of a case study in "The Gift of Fear"
You don’t need to buy anything. You could cast a circle and charge a piece of jewelry you already possess or make a charm bag filled with a bit of salt and any other small things or stones that you’ve found or already have and carry that with you. I can’t offer specifics because I’m not sure of what Your path is. Most spells you find online are Wicca based but you can adapt the basic structure to suit you. If the Egyptian pantheon is your bag here are some prayers you can check out. Anubis being the god of the underworld and protector of the dead, well others don’t seem to have written much regarding rituals or prayers to him to protect the living. closest I can find is this. You could meditate on that and write your own if that feels appropriate. Another thing you could do is come up with a short mantra you repeat to yourself when you feel like you’re in danger. Something short you can remember. It doesn’t have to rhyme or be clever btw.
A thing about magic is it requires practical application as well as the ritual. Like if you cast a ‘get a job’ spell, it wouldn’t really work unless you actually applied for jobs. Magic without doing stuff in the real world to support the magic is just as effective as wishing.
Practical stuff. Stay in populated areas. Don’t carry a weapon that can be taken from and used against you. You don’t say what these situations are. If they are dates never meet new people alone, and have a friend you can contact at an appointed time to check in with. They should know where abc who you’re meeting as well as their. Info. If you don’t text or respond to their texts at the appointed time they are to call the police. If this is happening in public, go into the nearest store or place you can and find an employee. If they follow you in tell them you’re being harassed and to call the police.
There’s a book I would strongly suggest you read, it’s called The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence. It’s thick but it’s an easy read. I think it should be read by all young adults honestly (and I don’t recommend many books like this so widely).
So yeah, charge a charm bag or jewelry that makes you feel empowered. There are a shit-ton of pagan-Wicca websites that go over the basics of how to do that if you don’t know how. Imho sounds to me like you need to do your own research to find out what works for you. Ritual isn’t like s recipe card. There’s no right/wrong way, just what’s right or wrong for you. What’s important is you connect with it. If you have no idea how to come up with a ritual, you can start by learning about sympathetic magic which is the most common type and get creative with energy work, even if it’s just charging and lighting a candle.
I hope that helps. I know you probably wanted something more specific but imho magic needs to be tailored to and by the user. I don’t know your path or how familiar you are with ritual structure or energy work, but… intent is key with magic. Stuff can help set the mood or direct intention but there’s no need to buy anything if you don’t want to.
Stay safe, good luck.
I thought this was a valuable bit of insight:
>Q. Do you believe intuition or gut feelings are useful or reliable feelings? If yes, what is an example of that in your life?
>A. "Gut feelings" are fundamentally subconscious assessments by your brain of recurring patterns. Therefore, the more experience you have, the more valid your "gut". I came to that conclusion at age 50 when I had an opportunity to fire a guy who my gut hated but my conscious brain could not find anything wrong with. My gut was right - this guy eventually succeeded in destroying the department I had built.
So true. I'm sure many people here have read works by Gavin de Becker like "The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence"--but here's another excellent resource you may not have heard of:
Left of Bang: How the Marine Corps' Combat Hunter Program Can Save Your Life
>“"It's better to detect sinister intentions early than respond to violent actions late."
>That is how Gavin de Becker, author of the bestselling book, The Gift of Fear, describes the importance of situational awareness. Now, a new 200-page book captures the concepts of a Marine Corps training program focused on the life-saving importance of situational awareness.
>The book’s title, Left of Bang, is a reference to the timeline of a deadly force incident. "Bang" is when shots are fired, the attack begins, or damage is done. On a timeline moving from left to right, “right of bang”” is what happens after the fight begins. In the worst-case scenario, you’re a casualty to the right of bang. Therefore, you need to stay to the "left of bang." In that area you need to be alert, ready, prepared, and able to respond before the bad stuff happens.
>That’s possible, the authors maintain, by recognizing certain revealing characteristics to detect potential attackers in time to avoid or upset their violent intent.
>Patrick Van Horne and Jason Riley, co-authors of Left of Bang, are former active-duty Marine Corps officers and instructors who helped enhance and evolve the Combat Hunter training program at the Marines Corps’ Warfighting Laboratory in Quantico, VA. Their specialty, and the focus of the book, is "how to read the human terrain through an increased understanding of human behavior" across all cultural lines. The goal is to stop threats before they erupt.
IME, these skills are 100% worth making time for.
The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us From Violence https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440508835/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_ARrDxbCEYHSG1
I would recommend checking out this book - The Gift of Fear.
The most important part of learning to fight (or defend yourself) is learning to walk away. Don't be there. Don't be a target. Don't let stuff escalate. Don't talk your way into a fight.
Take some time to read about it on http://nononsenseselfdefense.com/
There are different types of violence, and what works to defuse/deescalate one type will trigger a different one. The site links to a lot of books that they've either written or recommend in their courses. I think the authors have stopped offering classes and stopped updating the site (the page listed as "newest" has 2012 in the source).
Another critical skill is "situational awareness". This means paying attention to what is going on around you. No looking at cellphone. No listening to music on headphones. Pay attention to the people around you. Normal people act one way. Predators act a different way. And victims act yet a different way. Watch people in the mall or subway station and you will start to notice categories of people and how they move. Some people call that "profiling" - it isn't. You don't want to "pass" the sort of interview that a mugger would perform.
If you want to learn a martial art, something like MMA or Krav Maga will focus on fighting and less on styles. The most important skill you will learn is to walk away. Actual fighting skill would be 4th (in case you are curious, I'd rank what you need to learn, in order: walk away [or "how not to get in the fight in the first place"], situational awareness, why to fight, how to fight, how to deal with the legal consequences afterwards).
And a few books:
Gift of Fear. Learn to trust your gut. It is making you scared for a reason.
Facing Violence. Most attacks are over in seconds. This is why one drills so much in the gym/dojo - so that you don't have to think about it.
Meditations on Violence. These are some essays on violence, how and why it happens, how and why it is different in the gym/dojo versus the street/bar. What to do before and after.
For more on this subject, see The Gift of Fear.
Before you decide that a restraining order is the right thing to do, I urge you to read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. Restraining orders have the potential to do more harm than good.
> I know what steps she takes, because I'm the one who taught her.
You are not the only human she has learned from in her life, my friend.
> I never had a son, but if I had, I would have taught him very similar things in order to prevent getting beat up. Rape is absolutely more of a threat to women. And actual physical violence is more of a threat to men.
Why is a naked woman a precursor of physical violence?
> But it's still a very real choice on the individual to automatically view 50% of the population as a threat to your safety.
Read The Gift of Fear.
> The danger here is the unknown.
Yes, that could be why more delivery drivers are men.
>> Didn't we both agree she was in greater danger?
> No.. That's you.
>>>> I'll grant you that her forcefully raping him is the least likely of those potential situations
That was you.
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