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The Gift of Fear?
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Hmm, especially considering he sat right next to you immediately and asked you out the day you met, it makes me wonder if he had been watching you, put his kid up to approaching you guys and "conveniently" asking to come into your house for a drink?
Trust your gut, there are a ton of red flags here. I highly recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a great book and teaches about how to trust your instincts and deal with potentially dangerous situations. Predators take advantage of the fact it's so ingrained in women from the time we are little girls to always be polite, they know we are afraid of hurting feelings and "causing a scene" and they thrive on that hesitation. He hasn't escalated yet but it's time to cut contact and I would also invest in a doorbell or motion camera, not just for him but for general safety, especially with a little one in the house. I like your idea of having a male friend or family member on the premises when you calmly tell him this arrangement just isn't working anymore. Make sure to document everything in the event a worst case scenario happens and you have to go to police.
You should read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. If you ever have kids, have them read it, too. His advice is t he same: Never go with them. Force them to commit to their choices right where you are.
You sound like you're coping with a lot of anxiety and, glancing at your previous posts, that you're a teenager. Anxiety can cause and worsen sleep disturbances like nightmares, but at the same time, it's important to remember that our brain uses sleep and dreams to work through problems, sometimes before we're consciously aware of them.
Being a woman is scary, but a life lived in fear is a life half-lived. There are precautions you can take, skills you can learn, and relationships you can nurture that lower your chances of being a victim of violence. There's no such thing as 'no risk,' but there is a good shot at ' low risk'.
One thing I recommend to anyone concerned with personal safety is the book The Gift Of Fear by Gavin DeBoeker. It really helped me understand how to keep myself safe, not just in the "grabbed by a stranger on my front porch" situations (which are far more rare than domestic violence) but in relationships of all kinds.
Good on you for being aware and reaching out. Those are survivor skills, and they will help you every day of your life.
The Gift of Fear - Really good book on how you need to listen to your intuition in order to survive. When something "feels" wrong, like when you're out jogging and a car you don't recognize drives slowly past you with some George Floyd looking guy inside, get yourself out of there. Honestly, just paying attention to their surroundings is something people dont do nearly enough.
Block him. Immediately and permanently. Tell your friends that you believe he is a threat to you, and you need them to protect you by refusing to speak to him about you, offer him any way to communicate to you, or give him any information about you.
Choking another person is one of the biggest red flags in domestic violence that the choker is a potential murderer of the person he is abusing. He is not your friend. He is a psychologically damaged, physically dangerous threat, and you need to behave like he is.
Tell his abusive parents. Tell his sweet sister. Do not keep this private. Keeping this private allows him to pretend that he's still got a chance, and he will continue to stalk you. Notify the police and ask that they do a wellness check on him. Hire a lawyer to send him a letter to leave you the fuck alone, and if necessary, send the lawyer to court to get a restraining order. Do NOT talk yourself out of this. You are the only person in this whole thing who can make sure that you remain safe. You are not responsible for his health or happiness, and him trying to manipulate you into believing that you are is a complete deal breaker.
Finally, go get a copy of Gavin de Boecker's The Gift of Fear. It will help you understand what you're up against and how to keep yourself safe.
The Gift of Fear explains how and why to overcome the societal pressure to be nice to creeps and how to avoid/get out of dangerous situations.
You need to read it first and teach her age appropriate information. It's written for adults and is probably too much in pure form for a young teen.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_8T3R58FNFM854BKSK1WQ
What the what. She cursed your unborn baby and stole its scan?
This is not "am I the asshole" territory. This is "read Gavin December's The Gift of Fear and get a restraining order" territory.
I've lived way "worse" places and to be honest I am past the age when I am out much alone walking around at night.
That being said, any area can be dangerous for a woman walking alone. That's just the reality of life. I never let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do when I was younger. As someone else said, situational awareness is key. Leave your headphones out. Look around in all directions regularly. Listen to your instincts.
Also - every young woman (and man for that matter) - should read "The Gift of Fear" which teaches us to listen to our own 6th sense about danger.
I highly recommend this book, "The Gift of Fear." It talks about how the brain picks up sub-conscience signals from everywhere, the difference between anxiety, worry, and REAL fear. It's really helped me talk myself down when I have an anxiety attack.
If you and your husband haven’t already, you should read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker. My husband has always been supportive of me trusting my instincts but even he told me it altered the seriousness of how he saw my intuition, saying he hadn’t realized the full extent of dangers women face.
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_SAXAGERPX812KE80ESSY
u/True-Gain3941: As the others have mentioned, your English is excellent.
I think this guy enjoys other people's discomfort much more than genuine conversation. I suspect he has social skills but just doesn't use them in a lot of interactions.
I won't itemize all the red flags he waved during this conversation, but one thing that really stood out to me is that he tried to decide for you that the two of you are now friends (screenshot 5). This isn't quite "love-bombing", but it does remind me of the "forced teaming" indicator in The Gift of Fear.
There's a lot to dislike here, and you're right to be concerned. At the end of the day, he's ugly on the inside.
One suggestion is to consider reporting this guy to the mods of your language app and include these screenshots. If you haven't already read The Gift of Fear, that would be another suggestion. If you have more concerns, let me know.
That's what "spidey sense" is.
Head on a swivel, pay attention to your surroundings, pay attention to what people around you are doing (especially what they are looking at), be actively looking for threats.
We went to some pretty sketchy places, and never had the radar go off. Quite the opposite; we looked like someone vaguely important and her security detail, so people would give us space.
You might want to read this for more info on how "spidey sense" works: https://www.amazon.ca/The-Gift-of-Fear/dp/0316235776
Read the book The Gift of Fear. It will give you enough confidence to be able to get out of sketchy situations and why and how men use the social pressures to be able to coerce women to get them somewhere to rape or kill them. If you're able to identify why an interaction is wrong and that the person is setting off red flags, you'll be more aggressive about getting out of it. https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0316235776
>At this point, a familiar feeling starts to creep up on me, a feeling that rarely shows its ugly face, one that I find very hard to control once it starts to set in, that diminishes me, and that I loathe: fear.
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>the fear growing with every moment
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>I try to quell the fear
You should read The Gift of Fear
>he popped back into my life after our moms death.
Real funny timing dontcha think?
>He wants to reconnect, after years of torment, silence and disinterest.
Suuuuure he does. Move your hand so the tick can't crawl up it.
>His resurgence would threaten not just me, but those I love and the life I built, after moving to get away from him.
You seriously moved to get away from him? And now you're second guessing yourself? Girl. Come on.
You're not a selfish bitch. You're a SELF PRESERVATION BITCH. No is a complete sentence and silence is golden. You said yourself he's a threat to those you love. Put on your Self Preservation Bitch seamless comfort all day undies and your Bitch Don't Play shitkicking boots and make yourself clear.
You need a book. I hope someone else already recommended The Gift of Fear, but if not...
Hijacking to say that everyone should read "The Gift of Fear," as it explains how "listening to your gut" is actually your brain processing danger signals, how to improve your awareness, and how to stay safe.
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_989208KCRM83JBTFVK1P?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
If you feel any sort of unease, even if it doesn’t rise to being a physical threat or you don’t even know why, accept that Gift of Fear and get yourself away from the person.
I’m so relieved you went with your gut! You did so good, girl. I wish I had your common sense when I was your age. ❤️
You should read The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence, I’ve recommended this to every woman I know.
Everyone should read <em>The Gift of Fear</em> by Gavin de Becker
Yes go read it. My post history should make it easier to identify my species(both genders male and female we operate like a hive mind. We're identically essentially. The only difference with the female side is slightly different approach it's more of a "I won't break up with you you'll have to break up with me and progressively pussy whipping you into oblivion) cause people like me exist and are a lot more common then you'd think. We are the majority. It's not 1% of the population it's like 40%. Difference is they just hide it and I don't. The guy most likely to be me in your life is your male best friend. The only reason you a woman have a straight male best friend is because he is waiting for the exact opportunity you either super drunk or are vulnerable and he's going to have his way with you. That is the reason he's putting up with your shit. He has one goal and that is to fuck your pussy. Others would be the community leader praising good deeds. The church pastor. Your academic Professor teaching physics. Your surgeon who's about to cut open your brain. The guy who's a little too friendly and likeable in elevator and you just met him seconds ago. If you need a full concise guide an it all read this book: Gift of Fear by Gavin de Beck.
Unfortunately with obsessive people, any response from you is going to encourage him to continue harassing you. Continuing to reply is not the answer, even if you were concerned about his welfare, and especially if you were concerned about yours. He was being belligerent and was threatening to remain there all night, at that point you should have called police/campus security. It sounds like nothing bad happened this time (i.e., no one got hurt) which is a good thing, but I hope that you learn from this experience and take stronger steps to protect yourself if it happens again.
The Gift of Fear is a book that I found from recs on this sub. It's about trusting your instincts and keeping yourself safe. I highly recommend it.
Switching gyms is a good idea, but remember that this guy has been accessing your information so any information you gave to the gym is compromised. Specifically, any address information you gave them. Keep your eyes open and hit 911 if you see him anywhere near your home. A police report is the first step in getting a restraining order and is evidence of the danger you faced if things get ugly and you have to do something drastic (damaging or lethal) to protect yourself from an assault.
Switching gyms is a good idea, but remember that this guy has been accessing your information so any information you gave to the gym is compromised. Specifically, any address information you gave them. Keep your eyes open and hit 911 if you see him anywhere near your home. A good idea would be to read Gavin deBecker's Gift of Fear if he is persistent about being a part of your life.
I am heart broken for your daughter right now!! Have you ever looked outside before? The amount of violence and anger against women, especially younger is unbelievable! You daughter knew something was wrong and she looked to the biggest protector in any girls eye. Her daddy and you told her to f off and make sure not to call again. There is a book you need to read WITH your daughter.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker it talks about how important it is for women to follow their gut instinct. Get her the book and read it with her as a way to apologize and prove you are worth her love.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_9NZ94665GRRVQKZFQ0W4
If she felt uncomfortable then you are so lucky she called. Unfortunately she could have been attacked or taken. Human trafficking has gone off the charts.
So much the TA it makes me sick. Thank God your wife is so much smarter and on the ball than you. Please don't procreate any more kids whose lives you can fail.
Seems like you don't know how to create boundaries which isn't your fault. I recommend this book if you've been sexually assaulted at every job you've ever been in.
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Listen to yourself when something feels wrong. He escalated too fast and you picked up on the fact that it was not a good idea.
I also recommend getting a copy of The Gift of Fear - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776
Thank you for your post! It's unfortunate that this happened. :(
Tips
The Toronto police offer some tips, though the first tip is easier said than done:
- "Do not allow strangers to enter the building as you are leaving or entering. Cooperate with all other tenants in keeping the main outer doors locked at all times.
- "Do not buzz anyone into the building whom you don't know.
- "Unknown or suspicious persons trying to get in to the building should be referred to the Management, Security or the Superintendent.
- "Do not enter the elevator if you do not feel comfortable — wait for the next one.
- "If a suspicious person enters the elevator, exit before the doors close."
These tips are part of a longer list of apartment-safety tips on their website.
Intuition
> always be mindful and trust your gut if you think someone is suspicious or following you.
Yes! I really like the book The Gift of Fear, which teaches more about this kind of thing. The author explains that the book informs your intuition about what the common danger signs are. He grew up with domestic violence as a child, and has worked as a violence consultant for many years.
- The Toronto public library system owns the paper book and the e-audiobook. The closest branch to York is the Yorkgate Mall pop-up branch, near the corner of Jane and Finch. You can place a hold online, and have the book delivered there for free. You can only keep the book for three weeks.
- The York library has bought two paper copies, but one is on loan and one is missing. You can request a copy from another university for free, through the York library catalog. It will travel by mail. It should arrive at Scott library within about a week, and you can keep it for four months.
- If you wish, you can order a new copy from Amazon, or a cheap used copy from AbeBooks.
Conclusion
I wonder if you remember how old the creepy guy appeared to be, and/or what he looked like.
to add: if something doesn’t feel right, trust it.
The Gift of Fear amazon link:
OP, I recommend that your co-worker reads the book The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
When she leaves. Give her a copy of The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It's a very frank evaluation of several threat scenarios by an expert. This includes DV and all the baggage that comes with it, including explaining the aspects of the relationship that keep some women returning to them despite the danger. I've seen it in action.
For that matter, it's a good idea for just about anyone in today's society to read. Nothing like being assigned as the new supervisor to someone who ticks off many of the boxes on the workplace shooter evaluation section of the book to be aware of what you're dealing with.
Just remember that any court orders on paper are just that, paper. She might need more tangible defenses, but only if she has the will to use them, or they may be used on her instead. My sister's house will help a great deal to protect her when she leaves, but eventually it's up to her to protect herself.
This isn't relationship advice territory. This is "stalker/police" advice. Can you get someone (i.e. a large male friend from the gym or the manager) to talk to him? Make everyone aware of this problem behavior. Lots more info in this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0316235776/
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And here. This guy badly needs an editor, but he's a legit executive protection person and the advice is solid.
http://nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalking.html
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In short, this is not a "DIY alone" problem. You need help. You need to enlist your friends, family, coworkers, apartment complex management, the gym staff, police, etc. and put the hammer down before this guy escalates. While he could just be socially awkward or on the spectrum and harmless, you have no way of knowing that and it's not your duty to figure that out or get him help.
Get as many eyes watching this guy and making his actions every bit as uncomfortable as he is making you. He SHOULD feel unsafe crossing boundaries like this. There is no need to be pleasant, nice or save him form embarrassment, harm or losing his gym privileges. All you need to worry about is YOU and YOUR safety.
Have you read https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0316235776/
If not, you need to.
Commonly recommended on this sub and others a lot, but if you haven’t already, highly recommend reading / listening to the book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It’s all about listening to your intuition to keep yourself safe.
https://share.libbyapp.com/title/122728
The Gift of Fear https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_5FA4P74N17Z77EQM1X7Y
If she happens across this: you don't have to hold his secrets and he will not be coming back.
https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/our-voices
https://www.transwidows.com/index.php/traits-of-autogynaephiles/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_N5VT1JFD9F21H2ZXH0Z4
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
>I’m not sure why he’s targeting me personally
I recommend that you read The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0316235776/
Learn to trust your own instincts
I'm not a professor.
Once you finish school, you might want to consider moving to a safer state.
Possibly related:
- <u>The gift of fear: survival signals that protect us from violence.</u>
- How to manage anxiety over mass shooting events.
- Have we become too paranoid about mass shootings?
- <u>Mass shootings: media, myths, and realities.</u>
Non-degree status
Regarding the late-night class: Perhaps you could take it at another school, anywhere in the US, as a non-degree student there. Either online or in-person. But, first of all, you would need permission to do this from the registrar's office at your own school.
Or perhaps you could delay your graduation by a few months, and could take the class locally in a future semester instead.
Anxiety
I skimmed through your submission history. In your last post, you mentioned "anxiety" and "I have social anxiety".
Have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by a psychologist, clinical social worker, or other professional? If so, you can phone your school's Office for Students with Disabilities for advice.
It would probably be a big mistake to take "anti-anxiety" medication. And it would probably be best not to visit a psychiatrist, since they tend to strongly push such medication. Please see <u>Anatomy of an Epidemic</u> by Robert Whitaker.
N95 masks
You could wear an N95 mask to class.
Before vaccines existed, doctors and nurses had to treat hospitalized COVID patients anyway. To help protect themselves, they wore N95 masks.
Thankfully, the N95 mask shortages are over. Now, you, too, can wear an N95 mask, if you want. Please see this post for information on where to buy one, and how to wear it correctly.
I'd be curious to hear your thoughts regarding the idea of wearing an N95 mask to class.
I wear an N95 or FFP2 mask wherever I go: stores, libraries, buses, et cetera.
Vaccination
Have you already received three doses of the COVID vaccine?
This book is the Bible on situational awareness and avoiding/getting out of sketchy situations.
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_989208KCRM83JBTFVK1P?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
And here's the book on how to identify and avoid abusive men.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_H8GP2BDMS0A3EARF75SJ
Leave off the true crime for a bit. Watch paranormal crap or something else, to get your scare on. Then read
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0316235776
Read this book. Quickly. The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_BDP556ZNHQERG4TXA8KR
Obligatory: everyone should read “The Gift of Fear” and trust your gut in situations like OP’s.
Upgrade the software. Essential reading:
- The Gift of Fear
- Deadly Force (and/or this video, which squishes Deadly Force into about 2 hours)
- The Law of Self Defense
Everyone should read The Gift of Fear. It helps women listen to the bad vibes and act accordingly.
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316235776/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_H09F6W4NJ4YG5M49RN7A
It's in The Gift of Fear Never let them take you to the second crime scene.
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