Please take a look at Ross Rosenberg's "The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap." A great portion he speaks about is how to not pass the baton to your children. He goes into great detail and offers good incite. He does regular videos on YouTube including with Lisa A Romano and others mentioned here.
https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Codependent-Narcissist/dp/168350867X
You can also find this book on Audible. Good luck!
Actually, we kind of are magnets.
> but right now he's calm and things are normal.
No, things are not normal.
His behavior is abusive, these are huge red flags. You deserve to have relationships where you feel safe and respected.
You may also want to look into a possible tendency you have to attract abusive people like him and to accept their behavior.
The book The Human Magnet Syndrome, by Ross Rosenberg might help with that. I'll also recommend Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, to work on traumas that may have caused this. I highly recommend this last one.
I don't know if this applies to trauma from sexual abuse, but having a positive response to abusive behavior that is similar to what we experienced growing up is very common. We feel more comfortable with people who are familiar with us, even if they hurt us. That is why some people keep repeating the pattern of getting into abusive relationships, if they manage to get out of them.
Ross Rosenberg talks about this. He draws from the works of psychologists like Alice Miller.
Source: The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap https://www.amazon.com/dp/168350867X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_TSMFDV53F6C511YB8SXM
People who don’t think of it as labor don’t do it, leaving their partners high and dry.