What is Reddit's opinion of The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God?

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My primary suggestion for most situations like this is to discuss this with your pastor, with your leader(s) in your church. These people know you and your situation, much better than strangers online. They can continue to walk with you through this over time and pray with and for you.

I highly suggest, though, Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage.

He and his wife discuss much about marriage using Ephesians 5 as the backbone and starting place for the book. My wife and I read it together, and we both found it very helpful in our relationship together and with God.

I highly suggest Tim Keller’s <em>The Meaning of Marriage</em>.

He and his wife discuss much about marriage using Ephesians 5 as the backbone and starting place for the book. My wife and I read it together, and we both found it very helpful in our relationship together and with God.

What are the books? Are they like, life strategy or communication books that would factor in somehow? If you want to go on the retreat, see if there's a sponsorship that can help pay your way so it's not such a financial ouch.

We're going through this book, which I really love. Keller calls it like it is, he blows holes in all those flowery, rose colored glasses things about marriage and tells you pretty much exactly what you're in for. It's wonderful for us straight-shooters.

That's rough man, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Most comments I see in response to you say you should leave or at least not tolerate her, but I just want to say I think it's more complex than that. You two both have deep emotional needs that need to be addressed, but I don't think you should just call it quits. Good on you for opening up here and I sincerely hope you two find your way to a better place emotionally. I don't think you are any less of a man for admitting weakness, in fact I think it takes a bigger man to do so. If I may offer some insight, I hope it will help.

First, I want to say that all you're feeling is absolutely valid. It's okay to feel hurt and overburdened by all you've shouldered. Sometimes it is necessary for us to suck it up and do something hard or painful for the good of others, but you should not have to do it alone (emotionally or physically). Also, any good long term marriage is going to require work, no human is perfect, so no relationship between humans will be perfect. That is to say, you're not a failure just because you can't automatically make everything okay. You are also right that you really need a friend and partner in your relationship.

Now, others have pointed out (and it seems you're aware) that your wife has some unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of you. I suspect this is because she has her own emotional struggles. It sounds like she is using her perfect image of you to hang on to and anchor her from the struggles and craziness she experiences. I don't think she's trying to be abusive, rather she is also a flawed and scared human dealing with her problems in the best way she knows how.

The bad news is that I think your current situation is not sustainable (as you probably know).

The good news is there's hope for you two! It's great that you can see what's happening, and based on other comments it's great that you have a reservoir of love and a desire to stay together. If you guys can stick it out and work though this, you'll find yourself in a much healthier and happier relationship.

In any attempt to address the issue, one bit of advice that has been absolutely key for me is make sure it's never approached as you vs her, but the two of you vs the problem. Avoid accusations, and focus the conversations more on how things make you feel, rather than what the other is doing wrong. Even better if you are both on the same page about the above, recognizing that you are a team, and anything that helps one of you, is good for the whole family. Addressing this and working through it together can also set a wonderful example for your child(ren) of what a healthy relationship looks like (spoiler: it's not sunshine and roses 100% of the time). I would highly recommend getting in to talk to a marriage counselor (maybe virtually during COVID). I think it would really help to mediate and suss out the deeper issues you're both wrestling with. It does seem that it may be difficult to convince her to go, but it could really help.

Regardless of anything else, feel free to reach out or hit me up if you want to chat about any of this or just to vent.

Okay, just a bit more. I don't know if you're religious at all, but if I may take a moment to address things from that angle. No matter what you think about church or God, I'd highly highly recommend the book The Meaning of Marriage by Tim and Kathy Keller. There is soooo much marital wisdom packed in that book that has helped my wife and I a lot. Even better if you can read it together.

Regarding the spiritual side, where I and my wife are coming from is that we are both flawed humans, broken by our own wrongdoings and shortcomings, and by the brokenness of the world. However, Jesus' lordship and love in our lives gives us the foundation, strength, and love to forgive, work through things, and love each other anyway. You are feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances, anxieties, and shortcomings, Jesus can walk you though it by your side. Your wife needs someone perfect to be her anchor, foundation, or savior. Jesus can be that for both of you. By leaning on Him as your perfect savior, you no longer need each other to be something neither of you can hope to be.

Again, I hope some of this was helpful, and I'd be more than happy to chat about any of it with you. I'd even leave the faith stuff out if you preferred. I know God is often denigrated here on Reddit, but for what it's worth, I am a firm follower of science, evidence, logic, and truth, and also a firm believer that Jesus is real, He is God, He loves you, and He can help your life and marriage. And regardless if you believe that or not, I'll be there for you if you'd like.

Before you even consider getting married, I would read this book by Tim Keller. It's been super beneficial for my marriage. It's one of the highest rated books on Amazon. Here is a video of him discussing the points of the book at Google's headquarters.

Well this is a pretty big topic, and individual people and couples have different challenges and lives that makes certain details difficult to generalize. I think that’s why getting specific answers like you ask for is also difficult. But I’ll share some thoughts.

I’m not sure exactly what you are seeing wrong with the responses you state in your first paragraph. However, I think the general idea seems to be about men having leadership with which comes responsibility. Husbands are to lead the household because they have the responsibility. They make final decisions because they have the responsibility for their families. That doesn’t mean they can’t delegate or listen to their wives. For example, 1 Timothy 3 speaks of deacons’ wives as “managing their children and their household well.” It seems like these wives were given oversight of children and various aspects of the household; they have been delegated responsibility for these things. They are not passive tools – they are living, decision-making leaders in the household.

Your specific questions are interesting. I think there is no doubt that a man can learn from his wife. His wife has had different life experiences, reads and seeks different information, and has her own preferences and needs. The husband can use her as a resource and needs to know what loving her means and how to lead his family. My experience shows me that, in almost every case, a good human leader will regularly get feedback and input from those he or she is leading. But a husband does seem to have a primary leading and teaching role in the family.

Rebuking is a tough area in general… However, we are told to go to a Christian who has wronged us or who we know is not living rightly. I think a woman, if she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33) would be able to do that, and a man who loves his wife (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33) would want to hear that. Husbands are to be understanding, after all (1 Peter 3:7). In all cases of “rebuke” or correction, whoever is doing it, gentleness and patience and humility seems to be the way to start, of course.

I highly recommend Timothy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage if you are interested in reading about marriage. I think he does a great job describing what marriage means and what it should look like.

For more about complementarian marriage in general, you could check out some of John Piper’s books, organized here by topic. I have read his books about manhood and womanhood (general information about complementarianism), but he also has some books about marriage that you could try. His books are usually free online to download through his website.

I would recommend this book. It is fantastic! http://www.amazon.com/The-Meaning-Marriage-Complexities-Commitment/dp/1594631875. All the best.