NTA. Your mum is TA.
Holy crap...if I pulled this shit on my daughter, there would be hell to pay....and rightly so.
You are on your honeymoon. You do NOT need your mother ruining your holiday!
Enjoy your honeymoon, and when you get back, pick up a book called The Narcissistic Familyand read it from cover to cover.
>How does this situation improve?
Honestly, it probably doesn't.
I'd focus less on him and his diagnoses and more on setting healthy boundaries, developing coping skills + moving away from codependance (pretty normal for adult children of alcoholics).
Strongly recc this book (for like the 3rd time today!):
Please excuse my presumption, but...I don't think you're a narcissist.
I think you come from a narcissistic family and picked up some narc tics, but you are far too self-aware and self-reflective to be a narcissist. The fact that you are not interested that much in other people's lives is more common than you think. My partner, who is incredibly kind and caring to everyone, has to be reminded to ask his brother about how things are going in his life and how his kids and grandkids are. I used to have to write down the names of his brother's grandkids for him, but now it's become a habit, and he remembers. My point is that some people are interested in other people, and some aren't: it doesn't mean you are a narcissist, just a bit self-focused and you can teach yourself to remember to ask people about themselves.
I do think you are depressed, however (again...excuse my presumption). The self-recriminations and isolating yourself from other people are typical for depression. Why not have a chat with your GP and see about getting on an SSRI or getting a referral to a psychiatrist.
In the meantime, if you have a chance, have a look at this book--I found it tremendously helpful in understanding the family I came from and its effect on me: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
There is an entire book on the subject and it is very enlightening: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
I stayed up all night reading it when I first heard of it and it changed my life.
I agree with your response...except for the part about telling the parents what they did wrong. I had these parents, and they will ALWAYS have an excuse for their shitty behaviour, and they are incapable of change.
They "favour" the older sister because it's easier to do that than to put up with her rages and they want to take the path of least resistance because they've always been too focused on their own emotional needs than that of their children.
They likely can't stand the sister, but letting her have her way gives them temporary peace, and they know their son will let it pass without rages (and they don't care about his inner emotional angst because they don't have to deal with it).
They are likely a narcissistic family: https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
If OP goes to counseling with them, they will spend the entire time explaining THEIR side of it and explaining that their daughter has "greater needs," and what great parents they are for addressing them.
I have lived the life of OP. The sibling that raged and ranted until she got her way is in her sixties now, has never held down a job for more than a couple of years, leached off our parents and a spouse for a few years. Now that our parents are dead (and the gravy train has dried up) and she's divorced, she lives on government payouts, estranged from everyone in the family and most of her one-time friends.
I think OP should cut ties with his undeserving family, get counseling to come to an understanding of his own worth (which was not demonstrated to him from his parents), and move on.
I found the explanation of enmeshment amazing and revelatory. Changed my life.
Another life-changing book: The Narcissistic Family
You were indoctrinated into your family's values just as you were indoctrinated into Mormonism.
You should read The Narcissistic Family--it's a book for therapists, but VERY readable. The book is incredibly enlightening.
Absolutely.
You need to read this book: The Narcissistic Family
The central marker of narcissistic parents is that their emotional needs ALWAYS come before their children's emotional needs. However, sometimes their emotional needs coincide with their children's, so it SEEMS like they are putting you first.
For example, your mum might have made extravagant cupcakes/baking for your class for every occasion. It SEEMS like a kind gesture that puts your needs ahead of hers; however, she actually gets tons of praise from the teachers and parents of the other kids, so it actually fills her own narcissistic need. That's just a minor example, but you get the idea.
Yes--that happened to me when I first read it, but it's good to understand the source of our issues.
You may find the book The Narcissistic Family helpful as well. It's a book for professional therapists, but very readable. The first time I read it, I stayed up all night until I finished. It was such a revelation to me.
> Trauma isn't simple.
Nope! It gets even more slippery when you're talking about the absence/neglect end of the spectrum because there's no big bad thing you can point to. When it's not what happened, but what didn't... ugh. It can all be so easy to miss/dismiss.
I don't know if this is a good fit, but might be worth checking out:
https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
There's a section in the Narcissistic Family, which is a book about treating folks who grew up in narcissistic environments, on exactly this subject.
Their take on adaptive measures used to survive abuse is that it is good that the abused developed those mechanisms, and the individual under therapy should be commended for developing their strategies for surviving abuse, but as an adult those mechanisms should be trained out of because they are no longer necessary.
This allows the person in therapy to feel good about their former selves (which is really helpful because abuse) while still letting them leave that person behind.
Is that not an approach that includes "scars make us beautiful" by not immediately condemning what could be called psychological harm to a person, and framing it as a method to survive and thrive under adversity?
Found it! Didn't get to unpack many books or put together any bookcases, but I remembered enough about that book while cleaning and doing other chores to be able to find it on Amazon: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment
And thank you about the house!
You should read The Narcissistic Family Amazon . It has helped me and some others like yourself.
Yes--I found the article revelatory when I first read it as well!
Have you read The Narcissistic Family? It also gets at this exact thing--check out page three of the Introduction (which you can see if you choose the "Look Inside this Book" option): https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
So sorry to hear that. Yeah, it's hard when people get older having lived with a personality disorder for a long time, it's almost like it becomes more ingrained in them, and they can begin to view treatment in ever more frightening terms and can really dig in. It's obvious that you're a very kind and patient daughter to her (as well as friend to your siblings). Wishing you all the best, and please don't blame yourself for stuff to do with her behavior (or their behaviour for that matter).
About the narcissist stuff, yeah, I think it's hard sometimes to disentangle peoples bad behaviour from personality disorders, and it easily gets in to labeling and judging which can be a big diversion from the real issues. If she was diagnosed with bipolar before, it's actually common for borderlines to be misdagnosed with this. But anyway, diagnoses only matter for doctors so they can give the right treatment. More important for you is to come to your own understanding.
At the end of the day, she is a person who is suffering (as you've said), her suffering is leading her to have problems with emotionally relating to close family members, and that in turn is causing more suffering for you, them and herself (as is the cause of your original post).
If you want to be a good friend to your siblings it makes sense that you would just be super frank and open with them about what to expect and what your mothers limitations are when it comes to managing her close family relations. So at the very least you can minimize the amount of hurt and confusion you go through when she does these hurtful and self-sabotaging things like with the presents.
So you were absolutely right to warn your siblings. It's not your fault if they react incredibly defensively to what is all factual information that you expected to be able to discuss with them like adults. They are old enough to be talked to like adults... Perhaps they have picked up some of her coping strategies.
May I recommend an excellent book that really helped me in understanding and dealing with difficult family members (colleagues, etc). What is good about the book is that it is written in a very compassionate and non-judgemental way, it focuses on family units as much as "disordered individuals". It's free of jargon, and with lots of real life case studies that help illustrate that there are real people behind these labels.
I can also recommend The Narcissistic Family, which helped me understand exactly OP's point for the first time, extremely helpful.
The Narcissistic Family:https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?
Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?
Check out the book, The Narcissistic Family: https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703?asin=0787908703&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1
You can read the intro on the Amazon website--see especiall p. 3 of the introduction about ACOC and the narcissistic family.
Read this book: The Narcissistic Family
It will change your life.
No worries, there's lots of good info! If you are interested in the narcissistic side of things and family models, I can recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703