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The Practicing Stoic: A Philosophical User's Manual. Ward Farnsworth

Very readable and an excellent reference book.

Staying strong is a fight she can't force you to lose. Only you control how you judge things, and the way you judge affects how you feel. I encourage studying Stoicism, and there is a literal manual.

The Practicing Stoic is a very good introduction in terms of how to apply stoic values to your own life. The hardback is expensive but it's available on Kindle and well worth it.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1567926118/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_F74ZFbXWF85N1

The Practicing Stoic: A Philosophical User's Manual by Ward Farnsworth. Amazon

I found this to be an excellent read. It helped to clarify the basic tenets of Stoicism for me.

I'm not a fan of Steinbeck and I hated TLP, but Marcus Aurelius should be required reading.

If you like Stoicism, there's a new book that does a great overview of it with a lot of citations from Aurelius. I've only just started it, but Farnsworth's others books are best of breed on their topics. His rhetoric book will change the way you write and possibly speak.

From Chapter One (Judgment) of <em>The Practicing Stoic</em> by Ward Farnsworth (bold text is my emphasis):

>The first principle of practical Stoicism is this: we don’t react to events; we react to our judgments about them, and the judgments are up to us. We will see the Stoics develop that idea in the pages to come, but this expression of it is typical:
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>If any external thing causes you distress, it is not the thing itself that troubles you, but your own judgment about it. And this you have the power to eliminate now.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.47

>The Stoic claim, in other words, is that our pleasures, griefs, desires and fears all involve three stages rather than two: not just an event and a reaction, but an event, then a judgment or opinion about it, and then a reaction (to the judgment or opinion). Our task is to notice the middle step, to understand its frequent irrationality, and to control it through the patient use of reason.
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>...
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>The truth of the Stoic claim is easiest to see when we react to an offense given strictly to the mind. Suppose someone insults you. The insult is meaningless apart from what you make of it. If you are bothered, it must be because you care: a judgment. Instead you could decide not to care, and that would be the end of the insult for you. All irritations can be viewed the same way – the noisy neighbor, the bad weather, the traffic jam. If you are riled up by these things, you are riled up by the judgments you make about them: that they are bad, that they are important, that one should get riled up about them. The events don’t force you to think any of this; only you can do it. The same then goes for bigger setbacks, and for desires, fears, and all the rest of our mental events. We always feel as though we react to things in the world; in fact we react to things in ourselves. And sometimes changing ourselves will be more effective and sensible than trying to change the world.

From Chapter Seven (What Others Think):

>The other side of our topic is criticism and insult. Of course the Stoic urges indifference to these things. They are externals we can’t control. But the Stoics also offer specific ways to think about attacks and respond to them. One is to regard the contempt of others with contempt (or to regard the others themselves with contempt), or to welcome the contempt when it is earned by doing the right thing. Any of these responses is better than fearing the opinions of others; for once one goes down that road, there is no end to it.
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>Another family of responses involves humility and forgiveness. Stoics usually can accept insults in good humor by reflecting that any such criticism probably understates their true faults; they are comfortable enough with self-inflicted ridicule to be unconcerned when others add to it. A second recourse is to make an assessment of the criticism. If we are criticized justly, we should accept it and change (or accept it and be done). If we are criticized unjustly, the critics are mistaken and entitled to compassion. They meant well, or at least said what seemed right and best to their limited capacities. And at any rate we all will be gone soon enough.
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>7. Insult and opinion. We have considered one problem associated with social life: the irrational desire for the good opinion of others. Another problem – really the other side of the same issue – involves the irrational dread of criticism and insult. Some lines of Stoic response are familiar; others are distinctive to this challenge. Among the familiar replies, we can begin with a return to principles from earlier in the book. An effective insult requires a kind of cooperation from the victim – a judgment, for example, that the insult matters. The judgment can be dropped or withheld.
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>The success of an insult depends on the sensitivity and the indignation of the victim.

Seneca, On the Constancy of the Wise Man 17.4

>Remember that you are insulted not by the person who strikes or abuses you but by your opinion that these things are insulting. So whenever another provokes you, be assured that it is your own opinion that has provoked you.

Epictetus, Enchiridion 20

>What is it to be insulted? Stand by a stone and insult it; what will you gain? And if you listen like a stone, what will be gained by one who insults you? But if he has a stepping-stone in the weakness of his victim, then he accomplishes something.

Epictetus, Discourses 1.25.28

From Chapter Twelve (Learning):

>Review. The Stoics offer many techniques for improving the quality of one’s thinking. In other chapters we have seen some of them, such as changes in perspective or anticipation of the worst that might happen. But Stoicism also offers meta-techniques – that is, techniques for getting better at the techniques. One of them is to set philosophical goals and keep track of progress in reaching them.
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>If you wish not to be quick to anger, don’t feed your habit; don’t throw it fodder on which to grow. As a first step, keep quiet, and count the days on which you didn’t get angry. “I used to get angry every day, then every other day, then every third, then every fourth.” If you can quit for thirty days, make a sacrifice to God. For the habit is loosened at first, then totally destroyed.

Epictetus, Discourses 2.18.12

>A similar suggestion is nightly review of how the day went from a Stoic standpoint.
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>The mind should be summoned every day to render an accounting. Sextius used to do this. At the end of the day, when he had withdrawn to his nightly rest, he would interrogate his own mind: “Which of your wrongs did you correct today? Which fault did you resist? In what way are you better?” Anger will leave off and be more moderate, if it knows that it must each day come before a judge. Is there anything finer than this habit of searching through the entire day? … When the light has been removed and my wife, long aware of my habit, has become silent, I scan the whole of my day and retrace all my deeds and words.

Seneca, On Anger 3.36.1–3

I like lists so I'm going to answer in list form

• Your experience is normal. It's normal at your age to both obsess about women and to feel like you don't know what you're doing. It's also normal to be attracted to simplistic, strongly worded worldviews. Part of life is learning that the real world is full of detail and nuance.
• The women (and other men) your age are as clueless as you are about how to act. No need to feel at a disadvantage, nobody knows what they're doing! Some people have more practice being social, so it seems like they have it all figured out.
• I would say that the best approach is to work on knowing yourself. Stoicism encourages introspection and continuous self-improvement. If you follow the Stoic exhortations to prioritize your own virtue (wisdom, courage, temperance, justice), you'll be on a path to being a confident, contented person.
• In my experience, romance is about matching. You tend to find yourself matching with people who have similar goals and priorities as yourself. But you can't fake it, you have to really be honestly acting out your inner self. Stoics will tell you to do this!
• To expand on the prior point: say you want to be with a hot woman. She's hot because she cares a lot about her appearance. If you want to match with her, you need to care a lot about your own. Do you care about it enough to exercise and diet and shop for nice clothes? Maybe you do! Great, go for it! But if you don't, that's fine too, just don't expect a match with a hot woman.
  • You might be thinking about a red pill exception to this point, in which a guy who's rich and famous and ugly has a hot girlfriend. This is not a relationship you want! It's more like a business agreement than a romance: You give her money and things, she gives you affection. This is the domain of men who have so little appeal they have to pay for it. It's ultimately lonely and sad.
• You have to have space in your life for someone else, both mentally and temporally. I went to a very academically rigorous university, and very few people had partners. Everyone was way too busy. Once the academic load lightened towards the end, people started to couple up.
• For me, I was greatly helped by reading books. I absolutely recommend Stoic books, my favorite is The Practicing Stoic. For romance specifically, I was greatly helped by Models by Mark Manson.

i really really recommend Ward Farnsworth: The Practicing Stoic

i’m 22 and have about 6 stoicism books- i wish i’d read this one first

This isn't a formula. It isn't A + B +C = happiness.

Take food as an example. You think Michaela Peterson wouldn't want to chow down on a pepperoni pizza with double cheese? No - it is a choice you make. Choices have consequences. That is why we have memories..to stop us doing the same negative shit over and over.

I'd suggest getting into the bigger picture. Read some Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. Seriously. Buy this book : https://www.amazon.com.au/Practicing-Stoic-Philosophical-Users-Manual/dp/1567926118

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As for being an autist - remember 95% of all people are assholes. Gender, race, creed, disability status are irrelevant. Being popular is overrated. Having friends is important - more important than acquaintances. "Avoid, I say, what ever is approved of by the mob" (Seneca). I have a couple of toes on the spectrum and my son is in it up to his knees... I prefer people on the spectrum - you know what you are getting, they are loyal, not encumbered by bullshit, honest, forthright, intelligent and just better people (gross oversimplification but there you have it).

Good luck.

Is this the one?

https://www.amazon.in/dp/1567926118/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_PQF9CDJEN601CSVH9J4A

I was not to keen on that book to be honest. It is good, but far from the best I have read on stoicism (just my opinion of course).

I would recommend https://www.amazon.com/Practicing-Stoic-Philosophical-Users-Manual/dp/1567926118

Maybe instead read The Practicing Stoic by Ward Farnsworth.