I just got this book and it’s been really helpful for me - my partner of 7 years just came out as FTM I wish I had had it two weeks ago when she first came out it might have helped ground me. Also do you have a couples therapist? https://www.amazon.com/Reflective-Workbook-Partners-Transgender-People/dp/1785927728
Hey! Partner of a pre-transition trans woman here, who currently goes by he/him. I’ve actually been trying to stay off of reading this subreddit because it’s been bad for my mental health, but I saw your post and thought that I could share a glimmer of hope with you. Feel free to dm me if you have any other questions!
The first step you both should be taking is therapy - separately and couple’s therapy. I’ve been in therapy for months now, and with the help of my therapist and on my own, I’ve moved on from the mourning phase, to embracing my partners transition and our life moving forward. HRT is very difficult to start where I live (to get into a gender clinic can take 9 months to a year) so I’ve been doing research on general practitioners that prescribe HRT with informed consent (my province doesn’t have a list of doctors who are trans friendly so it took me forever to find a doctor that’s willing) honestly, just start small. Help your partner in any way you feel comfortable. Every person’s relationship is different and life after transition is going to be different for every relationship.
My therapist recommended me to buy this workbook — I haven’t started it yet, but if you want to stay by your partners side, it may help. The Reflective Workbook for... https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1785927728?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share (you don’t have to buy it on Amazon, it’s also available at other book stores)
You need to do a lot of self reflection to see if it’s possible loving a woman — right now you think you might never be able to be with a woman, and that’s okay. (I personally never had to do this, I am pan)
My partner and I are going to a fertility doctor before he starts HRT and are doing sperm cryopreservation (sperm freezing) so we can have kids sometime in the next few years. It’s not impossible to have kids, you just need to do your research and be prepared.
Good luck with yours and your partner’s journey!
Help her find this group early on, and let her have a private identity here to work things through. If she indicates she will try to stay as you transition, you could also try offering her this book: https://www.amazon.com/Reflective-Workbook-Partners-Transgender-People/dp/1785927728
This is a very popular one and I actually spoke with the author at the beginning of Covid and she is amazing!!! Also if you would like some Facebook groups I could suggest some. You two are sooo cute 🥰😍🤩🥰😍🤩
The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People: Your Transition as Your Partner Transitions https://www.amazon.com/dp/1785927728/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_11BBCZ7ME2B0B36RXEAF
(Post 2/2)
> Thoughts about your son
You've got great instincts here. As for impacts? Let's assume for a moment that your partner is trans here. Your some would be learning some of the most important, fundamental lessons that we want any child to learn--the importance of being true to yourself, of standing up for what's right, of what strength in the face of big change looks like. That's good parenting right there, isn't it?
And, just as importantly, being trans has a heritable, genetic component. We can't say how big of one, bit the evidence is pretty clear at this point. If your partner is trans, there's a much higher possibility than the background chance that your son is too.
> I’ve been googling around, trying to find some sort of support or articles I can use. Unfortunately, so much that comes up is heavily fetishized or isn’t really applicable to our situation. I’m really trying to be supportive and keep our life together in one piece. As much of a shock as it was, I’m not angry at him or anything like that. I just want to know the next step, you know?
You're in luck! I'm a teacher, so girl howdy do I have reading for you!
> how do I continue to best support him as he explores this?
Do exactly what you're doing. Seriously, you're nailing it.
Also, if you're not seeing a therapist, seriously, get on that.
> How can I help him determine how deep this goes?
You can't. Only he can know the truth of his heart. All you can do is be there for him.
This is some of the hardest stuff there is, and no joke? You're doing amazing. However, if your husband is trans and you want to stay, you're going to need to go on a journey of discovery and transformation no less significant or dramatic than his. part of that is helping him, for sure, but a lot of that is also going to be growing and changing as a person yourself. My suggestions:
If either you or he needs or wants to talk to someone who's Been There, please please please feel free to DM me, okay? This is hard and you're doing wonderfully, but nobody should have to go through all this alone.
Hang in there.
Oof. I'm sorry, that really really sucks.
A plug I make all the time--whether or not your relationship finds a new equilibrium post-transition, this was a great resource for cis partners to figure out their feelings, it can be a HUGE help: https://smile.amazon.com/Reflective-Workbook-Partners-Transgender-People/dp/1785927728/ If your partner has close friends they trust, encouraging her to talk to them about it is also a good idea. You'll always be there to answer questions and reassure her, but you can't be her only support right now. Her world's been rocked too!
As a book geek I went to books a lot during my early days. (It does not help that my therapist is also an avid reader and quotes and recommends many books and sources as food for thought.)
I found the "The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People: Your Transition as Your Partner Transitions" as a good resource for my partner. It helps her with a lot of the questions on how she feels about my transition without imposing any answer as right or wrong.
My therapist also recommended me How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker. Along with their Life is not binary it helped me greatly to come to term that life, transition and even our transition results are not black and white and that everything is a spectrum and there is space for everything and everyone.
First of all, your reactions are totally normal and there is nothing wrong with feeling hurt, anger, anxiety, sadness or any other emotion right now. This is a shock, and your brain is likely to process it like a loss, based on my journey and others described here. So don’t feel guilty for your reaction; be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to feel everything you need to feel.
Secondly, it sounds like you do still hope there is a future in this relationship. For this reason I would suggest not making any decisions based on how you feel right now. Let time pass, and meanwhile, try to get some kind of counselling or (failing that) do some self-therapy. This is a fairly good workbook which helped me: The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People: Your T... https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785927728/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_api_glt_fabc_RZPNA7R844VVMRNQPA69
Thirdly, you could also do some research into what a gender transition involves so that you are prepared for the process. And also maybe look into options for having children in the future, just so you can reassure yourself that those options exist. Some trans women freeze their sperm before starting HRT.
And finally - COMMUNICATE. Both of you. Keep each other updated on your thoughts and feelings on the transitions, your hopes and fears about the future. My partner and I remained very honest with each other throughout the process and it was painful at times, but it eventually led to us becoming much closer, and it felt like we were on the same side, rather than against each other.
I can honestly tell you that 15 months ago I felt exactly like you do, and my feelings have changed beyond recognition. I’m really glad I didn’t make any decisions based on how I felt back then. My love for my partner has deepened and I am more attracted to her than ever, despite the fact I used to believe I could never fancy or be in love with a woman. But equally, if you find that you can’t get to that place, it is okay to end the relationship. Nobody should blame your or judge you for that. Good luck.
Thank you for sharing your emotions, thoughts, and process <3
I (also bi cis f, 24) am in a relationship with a nonbinary individual who just came out a few weeks ago. I cannot recommend therapy enough. Your grief is valid and understandable, and so is your desire to be on this journey with them. My therapist recommended this workbook: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1785927728/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_1?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1 . I plan on buying it this week, so cannot yet speak to if it works yet.
Here are other resources she shared with me:
https://www.genderspectrum.org/ "Gender Spectrum's mission is to create a gender-inclusive world for all children and youth. To accomplish this, we help families, organizations, and institutions increase understandings of gender and consider the implications that evolving views have for each of us." They have an online community for young people, family members, and professionals, and several support groups.
Trans-Cendence International has virtual support groups online for anyone under the transgender umbrella as well as significant others, family, friends, and allies (SOFFAs). It usually starts with a combined meeting of Trans and SOFFAs and then splits off. To participate, you would need to pre-register for a meeting at www.trans-cendence.org.
Pacific Center for Human Growth (out of Berkeley) has a group for partners of trans/gnc folx. They're meeting online now, with nothing saying that you have to be local to Berkely. That might be an option for this person?This is also another great website/resource hub, but may be already known to this person, as it's fairly google-able.
https://www.transgenderpartners.com/resource-for-partners-2
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I'd be happy to talk more <3 I'm right there with you