What is Reddit's opinion of
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert?
From 3.5 billion Reddit comments
By popularity on Reddit, this product is:
40 reviews of this product found across Reddit:
By making it a point to actively love her and I never stopped wooing and courting her. Love is a million small choices everyday, most of them aren’t even conscious, but you can consciously decide to love and put your spouse first. If you are lucky she’ll do the same back. Also I really like Gottman’s Seven Principles:
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
It’s exactly right - communicate, turn toward one another, always view charitably, give the benefit of the doubt. Admire her, NEVER EVER go nuclear or fight dirty. Be generous, she’s your team, you win and lose together, her losses are yours, your wind are hers.
I suppose it’s easy for me, I’m an hopeless romantic. I tease her that I’m the chick in this relationship. I flirt with babies. I like rom coms, not action movies, I love kissing, snuggling, holding hands or just being in the same room reading.
Check out the John Gottman institute. https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_fm-uFbMJTCF6R
He has been studying marriage for many years. All of his books are science-based. He runs a marriage institute in Seattle.
My husband and I have taken a few courses (just weekend seminars) and found them refreshing and helpful.
I will add, while his books don't reflect any religious content, he does recognize that for many couples, faith plays an important role in their marriage. Take that however you want.
Good luck!
Edit: I couldn't see everyone's posts when I posted. Clearly John Gottman is popular in marriage circles!
I recommend buying and reading this book. https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797 John Gottman is a genius when it comes to what helps a marriage last. It’s realistic and truly science based. Has helped my marriage a lot and I’ve only read a 1/4 of the book so far.
Hi Spirit,
I’m sorry you are going through this most common of marriage killers - benign neglect that turns into calcified resentments, animosity and worse. None of it is intentional, in fact most of it is rug sweeping annoyances because you don’t want to fight. In the end it can become insurmountable.
First ask him and yourself, do you want to save this marriage? Remember, you both said “I DO!” Go some reason...
If both of you answer yes, then you’ve stopped well short of insurmountable. Can you ask parents or siblings to watch the kids for a long weekend or even a week? If so, can you s-end a weekend or week, just the two of you, spend the weekend/week talking, holding hands, cuddling, reminiscing on all of your great times. Maybe write each other a love letter. Tell each other why you life is better for your spouse being in it. Go to the Gottman institute website and pick a book to read together. I like the Seven Principles: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
I think it would be a great basis for several dates nights as a marital book club. Read a section at a time and then do the exercises. Date night is discussion and comparing results.
Text her pics of baby. Text her saying you are thinking about her or that you love her. Text her that you wish you could hold her in your arms. Text her hieroglyphics made of emojis. Text her about some naughty plans you have for her when she gets home. Ask her how her day is going? Ask her what she is thinking of.
This is such an easy lift and the early child years can be so dangerous to a marriage because this is usually when one or both spouse take their eyes off of the ball and start taking each other for granted. Over time this can kill your marriage. Instead invest in your marriage. Court and woo your wife everyday, remember how you treated her when you were trying to attract her? Do that. I bet without noticing she will likely respond in kind. That is how you start a virtuous circle that will feed your marriage and will build up an emergency fund that will help you weather the inevitable turbulence all marriages have.
For bonus points check out the Gottmans 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
It might be fun to read it together and to do the exercises. If you do, I’ll bet you will be her hero and will get incredible dividends for your efforts and very likely a much more resilient and fulfilling marriage.
I recommend the book "Seven Principles Of Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman.
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
This book is useful for anybody in a relationship, married or not. I read the book within the first month of meeting my boyfriend. Now close to nine years later, I still strongly recommend this book. ;)
But you're causing the very thing you fear the most. Don't you see that?
If this guy is so great, then this is a relationship worth fighting for. Have you done anything to try and get over this hump? Marriage counseling? Therapy? Read any books on how to build trust with your partner? I feel bad for you but I also feel bad for your partner because it seems like he's giving 100% but isn't getting it in return. I'm not saying that is your fault necessarily. You've been through something traumatic and it has left its mark, but that's not because of him either.
Try this. I still use this book to this day.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_8FG7AXV5Z4TB3VS955XG
Well there’s a really amazing book I read senior year in college (Psychology) by Dr. Gottman. It’s highly recommended, but both people have to be open to reading it and working through it: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=mp_s_a_1_4
I know that books usually are not the answer to things but, this may help. My partner and I even made date nights out of the activities in the book. https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
I think you should also consider counseling to communicate better and fully put to rest all of the issues you were both having. and even actual therapy for the loss of your expected child.
It’s a hard dynamic to break, especially if you grew up watching your parents speak this way to each other. This book really made the lightbulb go off for me — maybe you two could read it together.
Ok, so communication is a real and persistent issue. Without effective, respectful, two-sided communication, you can’t really solve any issues. He can’t hear you — and maybe he also feels like he can’t speak — not because of anything you’ve done, necessarily!
How open would he be to couples counseling? I think y’all need it.
Regardless, you should consider reading Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It will clarify some things for you. I know two couples who found it really transformative for their relationships. Gottman is a bona fide academic, not some self-help guru, and the book is based on his research on which marriages last and and which lead to divorce, and the predictors for divorce vs longevity.
You need to recommit to her and your marriage. If you want more sex, give her a reason to want that to. You do this the exact same way you romanced and got her to choose you in the first place. Marriage is not an end goal, it requires you to continue to commit to, love and romance each other. This isn’t lingerie gifts (that’s sex, which ok, but not in the absence of caring and love), this date nights you setup, C19 makes this more difficult but just means you need to be more creative.
If you pursue your wife the way you did when you first met her it is very likely you will get a positive response and will likely kindle desire on her side.
If you continue to neglect your relationship you can expect the quality of your married life to continue to degrade and this is often a way that marriages end in divorce because of the potentially years of resentments you will both likely build, don’t do it.
This is both a really easy fix and will reward both of you many times over with a much better marriage that is likely more sexual. Further, if she is feeling secure and loved by you she is far more likely to be more open to new sexual experiences with you.
Do this, you have your life, your marriage and your families happiness in your hands.
I suggest making changes unilaterally and waiting a few weeks to see if she notices a change. Then explain that you are recommitting to her and your marriage. If you might consider looking at some of the Gottman books like - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Maybe ask her if she is willing to read this as a two person book club. Do a section at a time and the exercises, then meet to discuss. This a bottle of wine and a pizza could be a fine series of date nights.
Good luck Thomnolyn, you can do this, many before you have and it will pay incredible dividend to both of you.
Good things come to couples that work, not that wait.
I suggest the love languages test (the book is pointless, just figure out how you both want to be loved) and this Gottman book
Also, picking someone that isn't completely fucked up and is willing to work on their issues helps as well (two way street for my relationships).
Best of luck, but you're at the beginning, the ending depends on how hard the two of you work. Good relationships don't come easy, no matter how the movies portray them. And just remember the grass is greener where you water it, for an easy quip on marriage.
Hi Silver,
As an over the top romantic, this seems easy. When a got serious with my girlfriend and now wife, long before I said anything out loud, when I realized I loved her, I told myself one thing I need to do is ACTIVELY love her EVERYDAY. Sometimes it’s just remembering something that delights me about her. Other days it is random love bomb texts or hiding notes for her to find, or doing a chore she doesn’t like and having her find out by surprise. Its unlimited back rubs, snuggling and cuddling. It’s giving her a kiss or hug or just touching arm or leg just because. Remember falling in love, it’s all of those automatic and effortless things. Think about that time do those things.
It’s weekly date nights. With COVID, we have a weekly grocery run that I’ve come to look forward to - we hold hands, we talk and work together to provision for our family. It’s a small but awesome thing.
I found that if you treat your spouse to a few little love gifts, unless things are bad, most spouses appreciate it and tend respond in kind. It can create a virtuous cycle. The other thing to remember is that you can only change you. You can change/improve how you behave, communicate, respond and even fight. Making changes here will influence how they respond and act with you.
I’m going through Gottman’s 7 Principles: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
right now, it’s great and could be a great couple read. Sort of a couples book club - each of you read a chapter, discuss, do the exercises, discuss. If you guys are in the right spot, this could be great and marriage enriching.
Good Luck Silver, I know you’ll both great.
John Gottman is pretty much the leader in the field. He has done decades of interesting research.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_o6flDb22B83PG
There's a really good book out there for relationships, called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Even if you aren't married, it's basically relationships 101. For those of us raised in toxic families, we had no model for healthy relationships. I know I made some rotten mistakes over the years, because of it. But I found this book very helpful, and it's written in very approachable language. You can get right into immediately.
I agree with the other commenters about deal breakers.
I was reading a book by the really famous marriage researcher John Gottman (https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797) and his research shows that many long-married couples have about ten or so fundamental issues that they disagree about and what they do is instead of arguing about it all the time, they just find ways to live with them. They even joke about it.
When I argue with my SO, it really helps me to think about where he's coming from. Why does he feel and believe this? How does his past shape his beliefs?
I feel like the most important thing when you're discussing something serious and everybody's getting emotional is to keep the argument "clean". John Gottman talks about the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse" for marriage which he says are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. It's much better to avoid these behaviors.
I've been reading this book lately:
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
If you read it with an assertive, masculine frame you can weed out the blue pill nonsense. The guy actually did some scientific studies and can back up what he's saying.
I focuses on fixing the feelz of women. He basically admits feelz before reals. And it helps you not DEER
As someone who spent my time getting my social psych PhD on the study of marriage and romantic relationships, I would strongly recommend anyone who is planning on getting married read John Gottman's the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The title is a little too self-helpy for my tastes, but Dr. Gottman is a highly respected relationships / divorce research who has 40 years of research and nearly 200 papers under his belt. Even just being aware of what The Four Horsemen can be massively helpful. The TL;DR of Gottman's research was that how often you fight doesn't nearly matter as much as how you fight and how you emotionally feel after a fight.
I am also a big fan of Dr. Finkel (another highly respected relationships researcher) and his book, The All-Or-Nothing Marriage. (See here for a short article summary). The TL;DR is:
>Americans today have elevated their expectations of marriage and can in fact achieve an unprecedentedly high level of marital quality — but only if they are able to invest a great deal of time and energy in their partnership. If they are not able to do so, their marriage will likely fall short of these new expectations. Indeed, it will fall further short of people’s expectations than at any time in the past. Marriage, then, has increasingly become an “all or nothing” proposition.
I’ve known my wife for 28 years, married 20, with older kids (19, 17 girls).
I don’t think you are likely to still feel new relationship butterflies at this stage, and I don’t, but I genuinely love my wife. I miss her when she’s not around and feel very strong love, desire and romantic feelings when I see her, hold her, or think about her. I’m incredibly happy when I hold her in my arms. That is because I prioritize investing in US.
With that said, any marriage is going to have its ups and downs, sometimes annoyance feels stronger then attraction. The key is that you need to understand that love is a choice. Actually, it’s hundreds of choices (many subconscious) every day. Most of these are very little things individually but over time will either strengthen your feelings or diminish or poison them. When I got married I told myself that I needed to choose to love my wife, there are times I had to “fake it until I made it” or alternatively put, I behaved loving even when I wasn’t really feeling it, until I did.
We also had a dead bedroom for 10 years after the birth of our kids. We over rotated our focus on infants, toddlers and young kids, while benignly neglecting our couple-ship. The lesson here is neglect for any reason is harmful. Think of your love like a checking account. If you are not investing into the account then the stresses of quotidian life will drain the account over time. If the balance gets low enough, your marriage, your feelings and your bonds could get damaged, potentially beyond repair. NEVER STOP DATING HER. Our dead bedroom was caused largely because we forgot to focus on each other, we stopped dating, we stopped spontaneously doing things that we knew would delight each other.
How do you invest? By consciously choosing to love her actively. I’m always thinking about how I could delight her or make her happy. Random posit it love notes. Doing chores she doesn’t like, flowers just because. Bringing her treats. Planning getaways, filling the gas tank of her car. Back rubs without the expectation of sex. Kisses, touches, always supporting her, always putting her first. Sending random love texts, sending her love letters. ALWAYS COURT AND WOO HER. I got my girl, we got married. That’s the beginning, not the end of my effort to win her over, to delight her, that is a daily activity, one that I find fulfilling and really enjoy. I’m always looking for activities, experiences and challenges we can enjoy together.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but since C19, I enjoy our weekly grocery shopping dates, we hold hands we talk, we just get to be with each other. We find each other treats, we plan meals.
When we argue or fight, I always remember a picture of her from 2nd grade. This forces me to pull my punches (no literal punches, of course). You’d have to be a monster to hurt that beautiful little girl. This stops me from being gratuitously hurtful. Always remember you are a team, you win or lose together her victories are your, are her defeats.
Lastly, I can’t say enough about reading the Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
You want to fall back in love? Start by choosing to be in love, start by acting the way someone in love would act. Treat your SO the way you would treat someone you wanted to love and marry you. It’s amazing how well this approach works. While it sounds like a lot of effort it is very enjoyable and fulfilling effort.
Good luck, OP, you can choose to do this if you want to, just put your partner first, define your joy by when you make her happy, safe, loved and above all - treasured.
My two suggestions are read this: 7 principles (works for more than just marriage)
And quickly review this: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
Breakup being similar to divorce.
Set boundaries, tell her how things make you feel in the context of you, and when she breaks your boundaries, follow through with your consequences (what ever you decide, typically small at first then escalating).
Sometimes you'll find though, that you're the only one giving and they'll never try. I wasted 26 years on two wives that wouldn't even meet me 10% of the way.
Work to make it good for you (is she even meeting any of your needs?) but if she won't, GTFO!
Good luck, relationships are hard!
So some sugestions to prevent a break-ups in the first place:
Read [The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
](http://The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_Q0NEZ7WJY4S3N20BZ4WV) by John Gottman before you have a problem in your marriage or relationship.
While in your relationship, make sure you maintain your relationships with family and friends, and keep up with your hobbies. This will help you cope if your relationship breaks down.
| Item | Current | Lowest | Reviews |
|---|---|---|---|
| The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A… | - | - | 4.5/5.0 |
^Item Info | Bot Info | Trigger
I really recommend this book. It really helped my own marriage. Best of luck man.
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
It's for marriage but it will work for any relationship: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Also this was like reading about me and my wife (sadly, I hoped it would help her work with me but she'd checked out years before it seems, well assuming she ever checked in! lol): https://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749/
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Works for all relationships.
By your description, that day has already arrived! See if you can bring him in. If you can't (or can't afford a separate counselor), the resources provided by the Gottman Institute are pretty good. They use an evidence based model for marriage issues. A good start is this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Spot on, the house metaphor is in the book not the title!
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
I highly recommend this book. It talks a lot about disagreements and fights in relationships. Gottman is the best in his field and the science and advice is pretty solid.
This book is really good, it has a lot of exercises and questionnaires to do together. They based the principles on years of scientific research into relationships.
You are not responsible for other people's feelings. That is the good news. The bad news is that you are responsible for your behavior, and withdrawing or giving people "the silent treatment" can be very hurtful. I don't think it qualifies as abuse, though. Abuse is a pattern of behavior that is intentionally and willfully hurtful. You are not trying to hurt other people...you are trying to protect yourself.
So, I'm assuming you are unmarried, but to understand your behavior and perhaps remedy it, I'd recommend that you familiarize yourself with a concept developed by a marriage counselor named John Gottman that he calls "Stonewalling." "Stonewalling" is, in essence, withdrawing from an argument by refusing to participate. It may seem like a cold, rational, and necessary thing to do...but the problem is that it conveys a lack of empathy, judgment of the other person, and, in extreme cases, contempt. Gottman lists stonewalling as one of the "four horsemen" that appear when a marriage is doomed. (Contempt, by the way, is another of the horsemen...and it's the most serious. When you hate the other person so much that you feel contempt, your marriage is pretty much over.) So the passage I sent you has some advice on how to avoid stonewalling, and I'd urge you to read his book on successful marriages because I think it might help you repair some damaged relationships and form better relationships in the future.
There are other things you can do. You can reach out to people you have hurt and ask for forgiveness. You can forgive yourself. You called yourself a "narcissist." That's pretty uncharitable, and it's also not true. Narcissists believe that everybody else has the problem. You believe that you have a problem. You see the hurt that you have caused, and you want to repair it. You also want a better life for the people you meet in the future. I believe you will get there.
Here, read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Seriously. It talks about marriage-killers as well as common arguments couples have. You've described a lot of what's addressed in this book. GO READ IT NOW. Get it from your library, buy it online, get it from a bookstore, whatever... just go read it.
Here's an article about his writings and research: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
And here's an interview with him about unsolvable and perpetual problems, which is (IMO) a fascinating distinction for any relationship: https://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/john-gottman
If your marriage a chance, this is your golden ticket.
Buy two copies and read the book together. Best of luck, OP.
Honestly this is a bad sign IMO about your husband. I can't imagine not having my wife's back in that situation.
Good luck but I'd resent the shit out of him for that.
Maybe read up on the Gottman 4 horsemen and 6 signs of divorce. You guys are at the beginning when it's the easiest to fix. He's got a great book too: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Maybe the Red Pill isn't for you. I don't think you will be able to out-alpha the alphas she's surrounded with every day. That ship has sailed. If you get more confrontational and emotionally distant she will surely seek a divorce.
Why did she marry you? What are her dreams in life? Can you even answer that? You can make your marriage a project to work towards both of your dreams.
For a different (non Red Pill) perspective read this: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797
Before the brigade comes in and says "OMG communication issues, don't marry him" -- plenty of people suck at communicating. You just don't want to suck at communicating for twenty-five years straight, growing more and more distant from each other. It would be good if he could see that too.
The professorial thing -- my inner armchair psychologist bets that being told that something is being Done Wrong is triggering something in him from a long time ago, and that'd be a lot easier to tease apart in a great shrink's office. Keep at it, though. He needs to own it, you need to put your foot down sometimes, hopefully the periods of dickishness will decrease over time.
BTW, my shrink lately has been recommending stuff by John Gottman in case you need some more reading material.
I hope your wedding turns out to be awesome. :)
As I told her to read, so should you:
It sounds to me like there is much more going on than just her wanting to fool around. It sounds like she is afraid of hurting you, afraid of what it says about her to cheat, so she needs permission. She is probably using you.
I know from experience how self-centered one can be when they get the idea that polyamory is what one wants, so I can't say I'm surprised by what she's done, but it's not fair, it's not right, and I don't wish this on anyone.
I think the biggest question to ask is: Are you guys friends more than anything else? That might be where you end up. That's where you should end up (if you are friends in the first place), regardless of whether or not you stay married.
Take some time, do some laundry (if it keeps helping you digest the crazy shit you've been through) and take action. Everything is in motion and will keep developing and changing with time, so you might as well exert some influence on how it all plays out.
Actually, it does those as well:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Science can put ethics to the test, just like any other activity.
Popular alternatives to The Seven Principles for Ma...
Dungeons & Dragons Starter Set
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
