This book really helped me: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=KC_GS_GB_US_nodl
Also a therapist pointed about a lot of things that helped me a lot
I really dont feel like all our problems were my fault only :) but when I did the work to make all the self improvements I needed to make, she saw that effort over years and changed too :) we’re 9 yrs in, very happy, just had our third kid
What kind of relationship are you expecting to salvage from him?
He's betrayed your trust multiple times and abuses you forgiving nature. Get out of you can.
Please read the following book before beginning your next relationship. While it's about marriage, there's a lot of good points about what you need in a relationship if you expect it to work and last.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_jgFuDbXGX1TCE
John Gottman's books are research-based.
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B00N6PEQV0/
Sue Johnson's book is centred on emotion-focused therapy, which has good evidence behind it.
https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime-ebook/dp/B0011UGLQK/re
Please get, & work-through, both of you this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B00N6PEQV0/
sigh
I don't know how much leverage your relationship still has left, I do know this book significantly increases the likelihood that one's relationships ( current & future ) can be durable, & can end up not in divorce...
Some people simply can't manage overwork and relationship, both at once...
Active-sabotage by relatives .. sucks. Big time.
Given how habits are now entrenched-enemies of your relationship, you need both to work-through this one, too:
https://www.amazon.com/Immunity-Change-Potential-Organization-Leadership-ebook/dp/B004OEILH2/
I wish you well, and it is entirely up to the combined-might of your work, how much you can have, together.
If one of you gives-up on the relationship, it's finished.
Earn it, if you both mean it.
Salut, Namaste, & Kaizen, Hoomin...
( :
Get this book while you're at it! https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work-ebook/dp/B00N6PEQV0
I am sorry that you feel so bad. You probably are a very good man with great strengths and usual weaknesses. I would encourage you to read John Gottman 7 principles of making a marriage work: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_D2V14H9WJP7K75ZN7X13
Here is a brief explanation of the 4 horseman of marriage: sounds like your wife does some of all 4.
> heresy
Maybe we have different meanings of this word. Heresy is denying the deity of Christ. Heresy is denying that God exists in three persons. Heresy is denying that salvation is through the name of Jesus. That's what the church has historically considered to be heresy. Heresy has little to nothing to do with this conversation unless there's some massive assumptions being made regarding the underlying core beliefs of the other side.
> I read that and am not convinced
And that's perfectly fine. The disagreement is on biblical grounds with informed theologians dedicated to rightly dividing the Word on either side of the issue. I'm okay disagreeing on this. Dr. Ruthven is a professor of theology with a PhD and a history of getting his papers published in theological journals - but even then, his work is disagreed with by other theologians. We simply don't have all of the answers.
And as per your argument - the Dr. Ruthven piece would be my counter and I'll just defer to his arguments and treatment of the issue.
> I'd need to see the study in question and the methods to make an assessment as I don't believe anything at first glance (I could not find it in the link you provided)
The research is done by John Gottman. His consumer friendly book is here. Simple said: it's the best marriage book I've ever read and his findings actually substantiate a lot of core Christian values.
Yep, I have a background in statistics as well so I love the data too - his work has been praised by researchers like Daniel Goleman (author and pioneer in work regarding emotional intelligence). Here's some of his research if you'd like to dig into it.
https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
https://www.gottman.com/about/research/faq/
https://www.johngottman.net/research/
And here's a direct quote discussing this statistic (but I pulled the quote from the book itself, not this article):
https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-accepting-influence/
He's purely secular and is basing his findings simply on data. He would seek to find predictive variables of divorce...even going as far as taking blood samples during fights to see if he could find predictive elements there.
> I don't doubt that a worldly use of authority ends in self destruction much of the time
I don't doubt that as well.
Okay then start here:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_vbgvDbNKVWA6C