What is Reddit's opinion of The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

This book might help you. It’s often recommended by counselors who work with sexual assault and abuse survivors. Maybe it would help you to read it as well, but remember, although you are wonderful to be so supportive you can’t fix her. Be easy on yourself. Take care.

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

When memories of the early childhood sexual abuse that happened to me began to re-emerge later in my adult life, as I first sought therapy, I found a lot of helpful online support from the forums at Pandora's Aquarium (not sure how active that site is nowadays though). Also, maybe have a look The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz.

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

Have you considered trying any body centred work, like trauma focused yoga or TRE to help you process these memories that are coming up for you?

I second sensate focus! It can be very helpful to remove the pressure from intimacy to require orgasms. It allows space for the survivor to reassociate touch as being pleasurable, safe, loving, and consenting. Communication is absolutely key for sensate focus to be effective.

This book was one of the required readings in my sex therapy class back in school and I still recommend it. It is hard work. I would suggest making sure they have coping skills in place and supports before diving head first into this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

Wanting to work past it and actually working past it aren't necessarily the same thing. It's great that you gave yourself some space and took some time before trying to be intimate again.

Acknowledging that you had a traumatic experience doesn't mean that you need to blame him or dwell on it, but you need to give yourself some space to really experience and process that trauma. Crying when you experience a painful flashback isn't something to fight against or feel embarrassed about, it's a normal part of healing.

When you burst into tears don't try to stop crying and worry about how vulnerable or awkward it feels. Really let yourself have a good cry and experience the emotions, and talk to him so he knows what to expect... that part of your healing will involve stopping and crying sometimes but that doesn't mean you want to be done with the intimacy or that he needs to do anything more than be emotionally present and be patient with you.

It's not an easy process, and it involves a lot of trust and patience and vulnerability. My advice comes from a lot of reading and conversations and therapy but ultimately I'm just a random person on the internet. If anything I'm writing doesn't feel right to you then don't feel like you have to force yourself. If you can book an appointment with a therapist who is experienced with sexual trauma then you can pick their brain about specific plans that could work for you in your relationship. You could also try a self-help book that could give you some ideas about what healing looks like for people who have been through similar traumatic experiences.

Hey! I have experienced a lot of sexual violence in the past, and have done a ton of work on healing. It's tough work, of course, and so worth it. I wish you well on your trip and I'm rooting for you. Psilocybin has been a key tool for me, when supported by ongoing healing practices.

I hope I'm not overstepping here, but I'd like to share a book recommendation with you, in case you are interested in something like that. "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz. It is written for survivors of all genders. Sexual assault causes sexual damage, and this book can really help a person understand and directly untangle that. I have given lots of copies of this book to friends irl because it is so, so helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730/ref=pd_lpo_1?pd_rd_i=0062130730&psc=1

Is this something you've specifically brought up with your therapist? Is improving your sexual relationship with your girlfriend part of your treatment plan/goals?

Overcoming sexual trauma is hard even with a supporting partner and a strong relationship. The best resource I've come across is The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. It has a detailed (sometimes too detailed...) overview of how people are affected by sexual assault and practical step-by-step exercises for recovery. Some of them are self-help exercises for you to examine your thoughts and feelings and others are exercises you can do with your partner to help build intimacy at a pace that can be safe and comfortable.

If your therapist has specific experience with treating sexual trauma, ask them about this book and see if they think you're in a good place to start working on this. I'll emphasize again, it can be very challenging. If you decide to give it a try, give your girlfriend a chance to read the book to and have a conversation about how the two of you will respond to difficulties and setbacks... make sure she's on the same page and that she's comfortable with the boundaries you'll set as you work on this.

If you're NOT in a good place to work on these sorts of exercises right now, then make sure to communicate that too. If there are intimate activities that you could be comfortable with, like exchanging massages, co-writing erotic fiction, using toys on her, or other activities that might not trigger your trauma, try to discuss those options with her! The most important thing will be being able to trust her not to press your boundaries if you try to meet her part way. If she's constantly testing or disregarding your boundaries that's a big red flag.

You might want to check out this book then. https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

My partner is also a survivor and is somewhat hypersexual. Healing takes time but you won't be the first one to walk that path. Good luck to you.

This is the first one. Read it yourself first and you can decide when your daughter is ready for it. https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

Another one would be "Healing From Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas. It is more general purpose, but it greatly helps with the sense of injustice.

Depending on how severe the psychiatric impacts are, I would also add Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and Polyvagal Theory by Deb Dana. These books focus on how chronic danger creates incredibly caustic problems in our mind and body, and how to recover from them.

The severity of your reactions definitely seems like trauma is figuring in. The term for how you describe sex is "perfunctory". You may have learned that sex is necessary for acceptance or love, hence your compulsion.

However, desiring sex and closeness is normal and healthy. Your natural drives and needs have been polluted by trauma.

I recommend books like this to help: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062130730/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_585uFbG315WHF

The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

tw: sexual abuse

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Ive come to understand that this can often be caused from sexual abuse when youre younger. This book was helpful for me

Has she gone to therapy to process the residual effects of her sexual abuse/assaults and work through the PTSD?

Seeing someone who works with people to overcome sexual trauma and grow into healthy sexuality could be a tremendous help for her.

She knows her past abuse is negatively effecting her current relationship, and it doesn't have to continue. There is help for her.

The mods at r/rapecouseling can help you find a therapist like this in your area, message them.

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Abuse by Wendy Maltz is a fantastic resource, recommended by many therapists.

I suggest this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730 on mobile do not sure if the link will go through right.

Title is The Sexual Healing Journey, by Wendy Maltz.

A quick and dirty suggestion I have based on reading that book is to try different positions fully clothed, with no expectations and the ability to stop any time. Then build up to fewer and fewer pieces of clothing, eventually trying sex.

It can be so important for your boyfriend to have you as a resource for support. But, his assault affects you, too. Self-care is a necessary part of supporting a survivor.

It depends what you think will be most relaxing and helpful. Maybe you need a day off where you don't talk about the assault. Maybe you need to talk to your boyfriend on that day, but tell him he's not allowed to talk about the assault. Maybe you have to talk to a friend or parent about the assault and ask them for help. It could be helpful for you to see a therapist yourself. A bath, a night in watching a movie, or taking a walk around the park could be the way to relax.

You mentioned that your sex life is going to be gone for a long time. Is this something you've spoken to your boyfriend about? For instance, he might not be capable of sex, but he might be able to do other things for you. There's a book called The Sexual Healing Journey that could be a good resource for both of you.

Book reccomendation: The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

This book allowed me to reclaim my own sexuality and understand how my past experiences were still affecting me. It allowed me to do what I wanted. It is amazing. It is THE book for anyone in this type of situation, and any partners.

Everything everyone is already saying is great.

I am a rape survivor, too and it really did a number on my sexuality. I cannot recommend this book highly enough:

The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors/dp/0062130730

Seriously, whatever you decide to do, also read this book. Read it, bookmark it, reread it, keep it as a reference. It is a freaking lifesaver once you are at the point in healing that you want to try being sexual.

EMDR therapy is remarkably effective in helping people overcome sexual abuse trauma like the kind you describe (specific issues with penetration)

Some therapists offer sliding scale to make treatment affordable for people who need it. You could look at it as a good investment in yourself and your relationship.

Also,

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

are both fantastic resources recommended by many therapists

If you don't already have these books, they could be very helpful. I often recommend these resources here for sexual assault and abuse survivors, and their partners, because they are so good. Many therapists recommend them:

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

> but after an "incident" where one of her close (male friends), made unwanted sexual advances at her, she's completely shut down sexually.

She should be seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people recover from sexual trauma.

Healing from trauma like she experienced is possible, but she needs help.

Is this person still part of her/your social circle?

I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

Sexual abuse and trauma can definitely affect one's sexuality, even decades later.

Therapy can be so helpful. Are you seeing someone who specializes in helping people recover and heal from sexual abuse?

I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

Report him, at least to your college if not the police, but since some schools have awful policies regarding sexual assault, you might be better off making a police report even if you choose not to press charges. If you are bruised still you have physical evidence.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I am a survivor of many instances of sexual assault myself and am working to acknowledge what I've gone through so I can hopefully heal from it. I've been reading The Sexual Healing Journey (on Amazon) for a couple months now and it's been an amazing process for me. The book is focused more on recovering your sexual life than just getting over sexual assault, so it may not be the place you want to start, but I'm about halfway through the book and it's been more about general healing so far in ways that I think could be helpful to any survivors. If you're not in a situation where you want to or can afford a therapist (though many colleges offer counselors for free!), I strongly recommend reading a book to try to help. I haven't been ready to see a therapist but am getting to the point where I think that would be helpful and that it's something I'd like to do for myself.

You're (sadly) not alone in this or the way you feel right now. I find that horribly depressing but also comforting. There are people out there who can and will support you.

Do not feel ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. It's not your fault.

One thing that I've learned while reading the book is that victims often put themselves in situations to perpetuate or allow abuse to happen again from different people until they work through the issues they've held regarding previous abuse. This does not mean you are to blame. The asshole who did this to you is 100% at fault. But it does mean that maybe there are things within yourself that you can examine to help you never experience sexual assault again. Learning that this is common and normal for survivors has helped me finally let go of the nagging question in my head that maybe it's my fault since it kept happening to me.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. If there's anything this internet stranger can do to help or support you, please reach out. You will get through this.

She needs to be in therapy with a counselor who helps people recover and heal from sexual abuse and trauma.

But be aware that sometimes, people can't heal from sexual trauma while they are in a relationship where there are sexual expectations. It's not uncommon at all for a marriage to not survive the recovery journey, or there to be no progress in therapy until the relationship has ended

I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

But healing from.sexual abuse is something she has to want to do for herself

>because of her processing the trauma she’s pushed me away completely. She’s uncomfortable with my touch, has walls up when we kiss, and regularly dismisses my advances, as innocent as they are.

One thing that is very important to understand about this is, this is actually a good thing.

Part of processing and recovering from the trauma of sexual abuse is when the survivor finally reclaims her ability to say "No". Previously, she wasn't able to say "No", so she was never able to actively give consent to sex.

Usually this processing happens in a committed relationship with a man whom she trusts deeply. If he can accept her "No", truly respect and honor it, then she can begin to feel comfortable saying "Yes" and finally to reclaim having sex on her terms.

It takes a very special man to be able to be with her through this time.

I suggest you do some reading about sexual trauma -- my favorite was the book The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. For the far future, when she is ready to begin reintegrating sex into your relationship -- on her terms -- you may get value from Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy by Linda Weiner. (Links to amazon)

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Now, only you can know if you will have the patience to survive this -- or believe that she has the will and drive to overcome it and reclaim a healthy sexuality of her own.

I can't advise you on that.

I would never blame you for deciding, "No, I cannot."

I think being in a DB is also traumatizing, both to men and women, and I'm sure a lot of trauma-based fears are coming up for you. I'm glad you have your own therapist to help you work through it.

I think that there is a reasonable conversation to have with your wife -- in a non-threatening way, with your therapist's coaching about what to say and how to say it -- about your past experience, and your fears, and what she wants for her own sexuality. What is the vision she wants for her sex life? What support does she want from you in getting there?

And, I think you should answer for yourself, what is the vision you want for your sex life? How long are you willing to commit to the marriage in order to see if it can get there?

Therapist gave me this to read: The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition , Wendy Maltz https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

Haven't gotten through all of it yet but it has been actually helpful for both me and partner.

> The thing is she never,ever initiates. I am always the one initiating.

That's a major issue, as your partner initiating is one of the best ways to feel loved and desired.

> I actually believe it was because of her first experience, which seems to have been really bad.

It can be really tough to date a partner who has had a bad sexual experience in the past](https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0062130730). It can have long reaching effects that they themselves may not realize are happening.

> Should I break up? Give her time? I am lost

That depends on you. How patient are you willing to be, and how long are you willing to wait if she decides to try to process her past traumas to the point that she can engage in a fulfilling sex life with you?

You're doing well to reach out here.

First, congratulations on finding this person, you're lucky you've hit it off so well and feel connected like you have.

I'm three years in to the situation you are starting to experience and what u/throwaway163906362 describes below. They are incredibly accurate at describing what my (M53) situation has been like with my partner (F48) on a very similar time-frame.

~~I'll try to keep this brief.~~

You're entering into what can develop into what I describe as an anguishing stalemate. You love the person you are with like no other, but not being able to express that love with physical intimacy due to her past trauma (my partner's in part very similar to yours) will wear you down and cause sadness and frustration, especially if your particular love language is physical touch, or even if you fall generally into the category of person who biologically needs sex and affection inside a committed relationship.

Your post makes you sound loving and supportive and in the beginning stages of being trauma-informed and sensitive to the baggage and issues every one of us brings to the table in a relationship. All that makes this even harder -- we can't just tell our partners to fix their issues or get out -- we have promised to love and support them, especially through something as serious and complex and victim-specific as past trauma.

This situation is particularly difficult if things started out "normal" and "healthy" with physical intimacy at the start of the relationship, because we think we've checked that compatibility box, but then there's nothing.

Here's the stalemate -

If I could wish one thing from the past, it's that my partner would have told me at the beginning of our time together that this trauma was an issue for her and would likely affect our intimacy (I found out around two years in). Your person is being exceptionally generous to you with her openness and bravery -- it's completely understandable why someone would not talk about this in the early stages of finding something new.

I don't know for sure what I would have decided about proceeding with the relationship if I had been informed during the first month or so of meeting my partner. In the worst case, I would have called it off, as I was coming from a painful divorce (of my initiation) and although there were plenty of things I was willing to weather in a new relationship, celibacy due to past trauma probably wasn't one of them. Not knowing the future we had ahead of us, I probably would have left.

At the best, if my partner would have informed me as your friend has done with you, I would have taken things much more slowly, both initially (with physical affection and intimacy as well as emotional commitment and feelings) and in moving in (as I did after 1.5 years).

But the second half of the stalemate is that if you could have shown me a snapshot of everything else we share now (aside from no sexual intimacy for more than a year) as far as mutual respect, love and compatibility in our relationship, I don't think I could have left, even facing how incredibly difficult the last year and a half has been.

So what you could be getting into is feeling torn every day between your real and legitimate needs that are not being met (like the commenter above, I too am in individual therapy, and they describe exactly what I'm struggling with) and loving this person more than you've every loved anyone else.

It's HARD. It tears you in two directions nearly every day. It keeps you up at night. It makes bedtimes difficult, it makes happy memories painful, and it puts a strain on your relationship. Especially with partner trauma, you will feel like a horrible person for resenting the situation and for wanting sex but not getting it. You may wish you could just detach that aspect of your self, but you can't.

The fact that she feels comfortable sharing and being vulnerable with you is a good sign that she feels safe, and that perhaps she's willing to work on individual healing - but that road is long, and there can be many plateaus.

Like the comment above, I don't have answers for you, only cautions. I'm staying, because I love this person and she deeply deserves to be loved and helped with her healing, and we hope to start couples therapy later this year.

I wish you love, luck, and clarity. Communicate, self-examine, talk to a therapist, and please take things slow.

Books that may help:

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=sexual+healing+journey+wendy+maltz&qid=1640878591&sprefix=sexual+healing+%2Caps%2C152&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=allies+in+healing&qid=1640878631&sprefix=allies+in+healing%2Caps%2C137&sr=8-1

You don't. You bring your doubts, your worries, and your baggage. We all do, as people who are dating with past histories.

The relevant question is, "How do you keep it from impacting your new relationship?"

I'd suggest a series of:

Open and honest communication, especially when something scares you, even if you think it shouldn't.

Constantly reminding yourself that your friend is safe, your friend is not your abuser, and your friend understands.

Therapy, specifically a trauma-informed therapist, who can help you to process some of the damage from the past.

Setting solid boundaries, and enforcing them. The mental abuser played hell with your boundaries: your safety will some when you have established healthy boundaries and had them respected by your partner. Make it very clear to your partner how important the second part is.

Perhaps read Wendy Maltz's The Sexual Healing Journey - a Guide for Survivors with him, or read it and ask him to read it, too. There's a chapter for secondary survivors, but just understanding everything will be very eye-opening for him.

Also, keep in mind that the repeat exposure to trauma - mental and physical, over five years? - goes beyond PTSD in your reactions to it. It will have some deeper impact. You may get value out of reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving.

(Both links to amazon)

Last, be patient with yourself. Healing from this kind of situation is not a destination, where one day you will be 100%. It is a journey, a process, which you will overcome one step at a time. Patience and self-love are keys for you.

Recommend reading this.

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730

Both your marriage and being brought up in a Christian cult may have caused harm to your sexuality.

Maybe try asking for podcast and book recommendations in r/sexualassault and r/sexualassaultsurvivors?

According to Amazon reviews, https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062130730/ref=cm_sw_r_em_apa_i_ROSEFbYZ7T46Y might also be worth checking out.

This can def happen after SA. A book that Ive found helpful was The Sexual Healing Journey

Thats sounds tough :/

Ive found this book helpful: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062130730/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o08__o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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A therapist who specializes in helping people heal from sexual trauma could be a tremendous help to you.

If you don't already have these books, the could be very helpful. I often recommend these resources for sexual assault and abuse survivors, because they are so good. Many therapists recommend them:

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

EMDR and craniosacral massage therapy has been very helpful for me. The best thing you can do is heal and then practice loving y ourself and learning what you want without a partner first. Good books are The Sexual Healing Journey and Counseling Adult Survivors

This book is the best. Lifesaver for me. http://www.amazon.com/The-Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors/dp/0062130730/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393823847&sr=8-1&keywords=sexual+healing+journey

Very sad -- not at all surprised -- to hear this.

Look at the reviews on the book's amazon.com page. The trigger warnings are there for all to see.

1) Maltz is not a "psychologist," as is claimed in the promotional material; she is a licensed clinical social worker. That's not all bad, but LCSW's are not formally trained to do this kind of work. (Though there are thousands of them out there doing it.)

2) The original text was published more than 20 years ago in the era of Courage to Heal, compulsory memory retrieval and exposure therapy (per such as Edna Foa). (I am not saying the C2H or MR+ET are "all bad." What I am saying is that in the hands of undertrained and/or insensitive "therapists" working with emotionally raw survivors, these methods are far too often worse than no treatment at all.)

3) The author's insensitivity to the childlike mindset of the typical CSA survivor is more than disturbing. Small children (and, indeed, most adolescents) do not understand their perps' "sexual needs," "sex drive" or "sex addiction." For them, as for any emotionally "young" survivor in early recovery, the perp's mental problems are NOT an issue.

4) Dialectical Behavior Therapy inventor Marsha Linehan (a real "psychologist") at the U. of Washington understood that most CSA survivors have (sometimes severely) compromised ability to tolerate emotions. As a result, DBT is built -- first and foremost -- on skills training in Distress Tolerance & Emotion Regulation. In properly administered DBT, survivors do not start into memory retrieval or "emotion digestion" unless or until they have those skills firmly in hand.

5) Real recovery from sexual abuse is never primarily about regaining the ability to "enjoy sex." Real recovery is (in some part, at least) about developing the ability to see, hear and otherwise sense what potential partners are truly like via Re-Development by retreading the survivor's abuse-damaged developmental path. Topics like Emotional Blackmail may or may not come up in that process, but understanding such concepts is almost always very helpful for recovering CSA traumatees.

6) As is the case with so many (though, not all) of the CSA "recovery" books written by those other than the authors listed in the first paragraph of this earlier post, this book has a lot of good insight here and lack of it there, but is inappropriate for many (most?) in early recovery.

7) How many CSA survivors have I known who had to be retreated after suffering the Results of Bad Psychotherapy? 20? 30? At least.

8) If you would like me to do so, I will be happy to turn you onto some safer, more modern, more evidenced-based and accurate books.

cc: u/GreenSeaDaisy, u/FreeOppression