Perel has a more recent book out which is even more relevant here: Rethinking Infidelity. She argues society is way too judgy about cheating, all things considered.
Talk about it, go to therapy/couples counseling, and maybe seek out some podcasts and/or books to help. There’s no one way you should feel, you can’t help how you feel but I would say it’s reasonable to feel hurt and there might be some work to get through that hurt and build trust again. https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=nodl_
I think it’s fair to say she unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship...and her lack of interest in sex does not mandate that you not be. Certainly divorce (or cheating) are options, but ‘ethical nonmonogamy’ is probably the best and kindest route.
It can be structured so that she has plausible deniability and along a DADT arrangement.
Maybe you only ‘indulge’ on work trips, etc. Perhaps jointly look at the book by Esther Perel “State of Affairs”
https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583
NP. Episode 1 is relevant "S1 Ep. 1: I've Had Better" also if you like the podcast she has a new book called "The State of Affairs" which you might be interested in: https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=sr_1_1/130-2798782-1806409
yes, but no.
this is my story https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/08/my-life-in-sex-we-tell-each-other-everything-about-our-sex-with-other-people
no, there is no way to cope. - on your own. no, there is no way to adjust. - on your own.
there is a chance - a slim one - that you both restart your relationship in a new way.
but if he cheated on you - and now wants a free pass with opening the relationship so everything is fine - then no, that is most likely not going to happen.
read https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583 if you want to read how other couples handled this
I really love Esther Perel's "Where Should We Begin" - it's real recorded MC sessions with her clients that cover a variety of topics. The way that she probes to get to the heart of issues is just a master class. You can usually get a decent idea of the topic being covered from the episode description, so you can hop around to conflicts that you think would be relevant to your own journey.
(Also, her book "The State of Affairs" is equally powerful in reframing infidelity and really examining why we do it and how a relationship can survive it )
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity https://www.amazon.de/dp/0062322583/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glc_i_A433MHB1EARGYBNH47F6
A good book on Infidelity
I just send them a link to https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583
I'd say the downvotes are probably because the tone comes off as a bit dismissive of people's concerns. Also I thought of one more recommendation you might really like: Rethinking Infidelity, both a free TED talk and a book. I think you're on to something in your arguments!
Might want to read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583
It might give you some perspective on your situation.
Been reading a lot on this topic and quite frankly telling someone isn't always a good option. Most of the times it only serves the one who is confessing his betrayal, because it is relieving them from the guilt. It's usually more motivated by self-interest than love or compassion, you're just passing the hurt on. There are a lot of couple therapists who suggest to keep it for yourself if it is a one time thing. You can also check out this book.
I suggest you don't tell her but really think about why you cheated on her the first place and be honest with yourself. If you did it because you feel you're missing something in the relationship then try to change that part in your relationship or come to terms with the fact that you are not entirely happy. Ask yourself if you are in love with someone else, or if your partner is the one for you. And then make a decision. Sometimes a ONS / kiss is a dealbreaker, sometimes it's not, but only a symptom. Make sure you learn from that experience and act on it. Either improve your relationship or leave.
This is heartbreaking. If you want a different perspective check out Esther Perel. One of her quotations is something like: everyone has multiple marriages in their life. With some, it’s to the same person and with others they find someone new. She talks a lot about curiosity and empathy. I highly recommend her perspective.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/
Esther Perel: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798?mt=2
https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583/ref=nodl_
Edit: clarity