Wrong. If you can handle the Big Words, go read this. It's a 25 year study of divorce that utterly refutes your claim:
https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161
Who am I? Someone with a conscience. Someone who thinks children shouldn't be fashion accessories in "relationships". Someone who thinks it should be hard for parents to split up because their children do way, way better when they stay together - even in crappy relationships, as the study above demonstrates. Someone who thinks minor children deserve maximal protection. Someone who thinks that when your reproduce, you degrees of freedom necessarily get diminished.
It used to be that only white trash or the ghetto underclass lived like this. Now every self important prat thinks they're cool when they spew forth children without the inconveniences of an actual marriage contract. I'll damn well judge all I want. People with your mindset are blight on civil society. What you defend is a subtle form of child abuse.
Really cool story man. I appreciate the openness of the story. It is amazing how powerful family can be both in good and bad. This post made me think of a book I am half way through called the unexpected legacy of divorce. My parents split when I was two and this book is shedding some light on how my siblings and I act in my eyes. PM me for info, you get a card :)
I am about to graduate with an MS in Child and Family Science and get my Certification in Family Life Education. I just have to say that "staying together for the kids" is a lot more complicated than you would think. Statistically, divorce almost always has a major negative impact on children regardless of the reason for the divorce. In most cases having an intact family even if the parents aren't happy has better outcomes for the kids than divorce. Even if the divorced parents co-parent perfectly. Joint custody and visitation arrangements cause the child to grow up in an environment that they have little control over as they are forced to jump between households according to schedules that work for the parents. The child's wishes are not often taken into account because each parent will fight to defend what they think of as "my time". It makes it harder for children to maintain friendships and participate in extracurricular activities. If the parents choose to have the child live 100% of the time with one parent with visitation, they don't form solid attachment to the parent they don't live with. It's often lose-lose for the child.
There's also the fact that each parent will likely start dating again and that takes time and attention away from the child. If parents remarry, there's the extra complication of having step-parents and step-siblings that the child has no say in joining their family. Blended families are very hard to make work.
Children of divorce are highly susceptible to issues with healthy relationships when they reach adulthood.
Of course in cases of abuse or neglect it's different, but if the parents can be civil and stay together to raise the child, research shows that it's better. It's not great for the parents, however. It's hard because you have to decide who's mental well-being is the most important. Yours or your child.
If you want to learn more, I highly recommend reading "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161
This book helped me immensely in learning about the psychology of what kids go through when they have to deal with the divorce of their parents.
When I met my wife, I also bought some books for her daughter that I had my wife give to her (I told her not to tell SD who they were from):
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1593694881/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1582462410/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I hope this helps!!
Judith Wallerstein has written a few books summarizing studies on the effects of divorce on children. E.g. https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161 . You might find them interesting.
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See http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161 on what divorce does to kids.
OK, BTDT, I have some thoughts:
1) You are about to jump on an emotional roller coaster. It's like being bipolar. One minute you're super happy, the next ready to slit your wrists. This is NORMAL. In time, the highs will get lower, and the lows higher. Recognize that you are in a state of clinical depression and the extremes of what you feel ARE NOT REAL.
2) It's hard to do, but you have to work to not harbor bitterness and anger. Carrying it around will harm YOU not her.
3) The kids come first. That means no trashing each other to the kids EVER. Read this - it will help you understand what they are going through: http://www.amazon.com/The-Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark/dp/0786886161?tag=duckduckgo-lm-20
4) There are likely going to be certain times of the day when you are better and worse. Learn not to make any decision during you "bad time". Mine was in the evening when I felt allllll alone.
5) Take time to have fun with the kids and temporarily put miserable on hold.
6) Do not make any major life decision (another partner, buying/selling a house, investing ...) for at least 1 year after the divorce is final. You need to recenter yourself and this takes time. I have seen people make the absolutely stupidest decisions of their lives right after a major life change like this.
7) Surround yourself with people you love and that love you if at all possible.
8) DO NOT start whoring around and bedding everything with heartbeat. This will make you MORE depressed. You've lost a primary relationship and all screwing around will do is delay you dealing with it.
9) Seek the advice and counsel of a minister or othe professional therapist. Your friends love you but they are not dispassionate enough to give you really sound advice.
10) Don't kid yourself, you're about to go through living hell. BUT, if you act responsibly, put your kids first, and deal with your own mental state honestly, you'll come out the other side much better prepared to deal with your next, and hopefully last, relationship.
P.S. My wife ran away with the minister that married us after 5 years of marriage during which I put her through school. I was a mess. I survived. I did waaaaay better the second time.
Peace.