There’s a book called toxic parents that really helped me. This is it on Amazon uk.
NTA: Your notes are hilarious as for your first note on the computer if I had seen it and felt it was apporiate to comment (i.e felt we knew each other well enough to say something) I would have said I liked it and you are wonderful, not run you down.
I don't go in their room when my son and his girlfriend stay with us it's super inappropriate and an invasion of privacy. How can you chuck your worn clothing on the floor and pick it up on laundry day if people are wandering into your room.
I don't even go in the cup cupboard or turn the kettle on without asking in their house. Mom needs to learn she is a guest in your home.
I don't think you are going to be able to easily stop her inappropriate behaviour whilst your fiance signs off on it. Sit him down and tell him this needs to stop and it's non negotiable. Then each time you catch her even lifting a dish cloth take her back to the sofa and tell her she is a guest and guests don't do housework, make this loud firm and clear. Set a timeline for fiance to stop her doing this e.g 1 month or you will reevaluate your relationship.
Finally, if he is reluctant buy some embarrassing items for his drawers and pockets etc. Go from minor health remodies to super embarrassing, haemorroid cream, herbal sex supplements for men, indigestion pills, laxatives, diet books increase to lube, extra small condoms, male thongs, a mankini, a book on impotence, hide them in his drawers and see how he likes her finding those. Mmm maybe thats a bit too much but then sometimes you need to bash an idiot over the head with a metaphorical club before he leaves his caveman persona behind!
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On second thoughts hide this book in his drawers after underlining applicable passages
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so sorry i didn't see your reply :( What helped me when initially cutting the cord. I was not living at home, as I was at uni. This also meant i had an excuse to give myself, as i needed to give time to studying, not messing around with my mum's drama. i had a friend who let me stay over when I initally stormed out, with our parents permission (honestly can't remember why my own mother would have been giving permission, but i can remember her being involved.)
I focused on the pragmatic stuff for a while, and just listened to music about dysfunctional families like Because of You by Kelly Clarkson and got emotional and stuff, grieving I guess, but not very effectively. I also managed to contact university therapists too. I felting like a huge spoilt fraud, but determined to use free support whilst i could still access it. the first therapist was awful and made me feel like i caused all the problems, the next one i saw was lovely and really pragmatic and logical, not cuddly, just great at putting stuff into perspective, which i really needed, because (remember, i'm 19 at this point and emotionally kinda immature for my age) it did feel a bit like the world was ending. I didn't like having to come to terms with the mess of my family relationships, and i didn't have much structure for understanding it. I only saw her like 5 times, but each time I felt a whole load stronger and more confident. realistically her advice wasn't perfect (it was good through, all about realistic boundaries), but just feeling like there could be a way forward was really positive for me.
Eventually I did also end up reading a book, on my phone, which helped me find the words, and although it didn't exactly match my experiences, it still made me feel less alone, and strong enough to visualise a future. I found it by accident and for free as a pdf, from someone I was following on tumblr, which coincidentally is what helped me realise that my relationship with my mother was unhealthy as well. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826
Another major step was moving out again after I finished university and tried to be back at home...having my own place, and doing that despite it meaning having far less money, showed me how unhappy home and my mother had been making me, and how important my independence (emotionally and fiscally) is to my happiness. I had tried to seek out private but discounted therapy, then realised it wouldn't solve the bigger problem. That was from reading a particular article (that i now helpfully can't find or fully remember) which emphasized that you can't help someone whilst they are hurting you, and that you needed to get out. It was about romantic relationships I think, but I kept going back to it. It was that, and then having a particularly low moment after yet another fight, that decided me.
Sometime afterwards I realised that low contact is what works for me. Before then, I'd get enmeshed, be devastated, then vow no contact. Then feel guilty and lonely, give in, and the cycle would begin again.
More recently, I learnt more about personality disorder, and how to respond with empathy and boundaries, which was helpful, and very extremely recently, I've started to believe my mother is on the autistic spectrum, like my siblings, my father (not diagnosed but quite typical of a "high functioning" autistic, he probably would be diagnosed if he was younger), and possibly myself (not diagnosed), this made a huge difference and let me have a really good christmas for the first time in forever. I kinda let her do her own thing now and don't worry too much about her being upset (either with me or in general), I avoid talking about trouble spots, and if she does get upset I do not engage with that an inch more than is justified (i still sometimes apologise, but it's okay if that's not enough for her, and i think that's the key thing.) I don't expect much from her, and I parent myself, e.g tell myself supportive and unconditional things that she doesn't (i believe can't) tell me. I can enjoy her company and her life a bit, without feeling too involved in it. I kinda watch (the car crash) sympathetically but passively from afar now.
Sorry that's really long, take what you want from it, it was good to write this stuff out, i haven't written it out since i used to write it on tumblr and she would ring me about it getting upset. lol.
best of luck with your situation, which is individual and unique to you. one month later, how are things??
Inizia a leggere questo libro è cercare un terapista
Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming You... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553814826/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_WbvSybD611MM3