Do your kids a favor, pick up a copy of Toxic Parents somewhere. Read it yourself first, then let your kids read it.
My dad was a drunk from when I was 4 to when I was 12. I'm 33 now and he recently gave me the book to read after reading it himself, and we are have a lot of difficult, but good, healing discussions.
You actually do have a choice. I promise. You only have one life to live. I suggest two paths to help your independence:
1) Therapy
2) Read Toxic Parents. Don't read too much into the title. The book discusses how some parents can condition their children into living their lives to please them--not in a malicious and abusive way, but nevertheless in a detrimental way.
Someone further up this thread posted this. Just reading through the preview allowed on amazon, this would be good for you and your wife to read.
Aye, there's the rub of the skeptic and atheist.
> What a piece of shit person you must be.
If you're right, you get to pat yourself on the back for how awesomely perceptive you are.
If you're wrong, well, you get the idea.
Just so you know, my advice was sincere and if you check out the book you'll see it's a pretty relevant suggestion, I currently have it out from the public library.