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Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self?
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That's great that you're telling off your parents in your dreams. That reflects your inner self distancing from your internalisation of your parents.
From what you've described, you've done incredibly well for yourself in work, relationships, recognition of your upbringing, seeking professional help.
Narcissists don't change easily, and only with huge effort, so don't expect much from them. It hurts that they don't care unless it enhances their self esteem, but that is what narcissism is.
A book I've just started reading, which is help me a lot, might be useful. It's called Trapped In The Mirror by Elan Golomb, and recommended by my therapist. It is specifically aimed at adult children of narcissists. It is easy to read though, of course, the topic is emotionally hard work. https://www.amazon.ca/Trapped-Mirror-Elan-Golomb-PhD/dp/0688140718
It might also be helpful for your hubby to read it to better understand your family of origin and the issues you continue to face, especially as you try to break the narcissism cycle.
This is part of a larger conversation and u/Detox1337 explains it very well. If I may, I would like to recommend a book to you that a lot of us on this sub reddit have read: "Trapped in the Mirror." It helps to answer so many questions: https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
Sorry it's not so clear but great that you're aware of things though. There certainly is a lot of information around these days to help.
A couple good books that I stumbled on:
https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611
I found both of those at the local library too so might just do that. (There are others as well and probably mentioned on this reddit somewhere, but those are not a bad start)
> I really hoped given this ultimatum she would change.
There's no cure for narcissistic personality disorder.
> This one still bugs be alot, because I really don't get what makes her have this much hate towards my SO.
What if she doesn't hate your SO? What if a narcissist can only see themselves, as the myth of Narcissus, for which the disorder is named, clearly depicts? Did you notice in the picture how Narcissus is always staring at his own reflection? What if it's so well understood narcissists see only themselves, that books about it are titled Trapped in the Mirror? So that, even though your mother looks at your SO and even though your mother talks to your SO, in reality, being a narcissist, your mother is capable of discussing herself only, because she's always talking to a mirror, just like Narcissus? In that case, it's not that your mother hates your SO. It's that your mother projects herself onto your SO as if she were a movie screen. Would you be able to see it? Could it become clear to you every word your mother speaks about your SO, are clear examples of your mother telling on herself?
I think these books would be very helpful on learning why people become narcissists and what can be done to heal: https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.
However...I recommend this: http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718
These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884
That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.
On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.
And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.
Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.
Hope this helps!
Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?
Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.
And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.
So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.
Obviously I can't make any absolute claims, but it really sounds like your mother is a classic narcissist – in the clinical sense... at least what you're going through reminds me quite a bit of what I've seen myself (I grew up with a narcissistic mother and grandmother).
Here are some quick links I found that seem to describe it well:
http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html
http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html
http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom/
I got a lot out of the following books:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/0743214285/
but there are other, better rated ones on Amazon, so go take a look if you start resonating with it all.
If you do decide that your mom fits the narcissistic pattern – first, know you're not alone. Really, I promise, you're not alone. Second, it gets better – get out of the house as much as possible – get involved in school activities, anything you can to get out.
Regardless, when college comes around – that's your break. Trust me, it gets better.
But you have to put work into it – you need to be mindful of setting boundaries with your mom as you become independent. It's going to be hard at times and she will make you feel bad when you push back – but you clearly have good instincts, so trust them about what feels right and wrong.
edit: link formatting
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