What is Reddit's opinion of
Trauma Bond Recovery Journal: A Guided Workbook for Mindful Self Exploration, Healing and Reflection?
From 3.5 billion Reddit comments
By popularity on Reddit, this product is:
63 reviews of this product found across Reddit:
Learn more about why your bf does this to break the spell: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Break the trauma bond that feels like live and keeps you addicted to him: https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Help heal from the damage he's done: https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Bond-Recovery-Journal-Exploration/dp/B099TN9WCN/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=SBK5BH1L0AYE&keywords=trauma+bond+recovery+journal&qid=1670371685&sprefix=trauma+bond+recovery+journal%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-5
Get emotional support and logistical help: https://nomoredirectory.org/
Learn about relationships from this resource for teens and young adults and get help from people who care: https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help/
Make a plan for escaping, even if you're not at this point yet (by the time you're at this point, you'll want a quick way out and won't have much energy to be making the plan): https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
You do not have to be on the lookout for people potentially liking you. Your boyfriend is demanding you. You deserve actual respect, love, kindness, and care.
There are people out here realizing after decades of abuse what they've been through and escaping at 50, 60, 70 - and going on to finally get to experience life and joy and freedom. You're never too old to fight for yourself. You're never too old to escape. Until you are dead, there is always time to seek joy and love and peace.
The trauma bond sucks, and it does take dedicated effort to break - but it is also breakable. You are not stuck. You are struggling right now, but you can get there.
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Here is how to reality train after gaslighting:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Here is how to self-affirm and start regaining your self-esteem:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/do-affirmations-work
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/
There is help and support out there for you to help you through this.
They can provide emotional support and logistical help, such as access to counseling: https://nomoredirectory.org/
Create a plan even if you're not ready to leave yet. It will help later and help you get to the point where you are ready: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/#gf_1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
There is a happy future for you, OP. I'll be here to believe in that twice as hard for you when you can't believe it for yourself. <3
It's so heartbreaking to see how hard on yourself you are and how mean you've been taught to be on yourself.
None of this is your fault, OP. Beyond any of the other abuse, threats, manipulation, and intimidation (like putting you in charge of his life, literally trying to wrestle a gun from him), the trauma bond is so damn difficult. I've even seen survivors with substance addictions refer to it as an addiction. It is possible to overcome, but it is so hard and it does take a lot of time and dedicated effort. You're not wrong or broken for struggling with this. It's a huge part of the cycle of abuse. On average, it takes a survivor 7 - 9 (depending on study/country) attempts before successfully escaping an abuser. The vast majority of us have gone back at least once. It sucks, but it's not your fault. The trauma bond is a very poor survival mechanism by the brain that maybe helps us survive but makes it so much harder for us to leave so that we can actually thrive. We've all been there. It's a part of being a human who's gone through abuse. =\
You are not the problem. He should not continue to harass you, stalk you, manipulate you, abuse you, threaten you, intimidate you... He is the problem. Unfortunately, you do have to be the solution. It's incredibly unfair. He causes the problems and doesn't let you leave, but you still have to be the one who figures out how to walk away and stay away. I'm so sorry.
Anyone and everyone can end up in an abusive relationship. Even the most courageous, independent, informed, and resourceful of people can end up being abused because that's what abuse is about: sneakily tearing you down and twisting you up and making you feel like it's all your fault. The accountability for that lies only with the abuser.
I hope things get better for you. You deserve peace, safety, love, respect, kindness, compassion, and care. You deserve amazing things.
It feeds the trauma bond and keeps you trapped. </3
Here's how to break that bond, though! This book can also help. I want you to live your life happy, too. You can do this!
Have you done much reading on the trauma bond and how to break it? <3
Here's a list of things to do and people to talk to rather than give into the urge to engage with him!
It's hard, but you got this!
The trauma bond is so hard, but thankfully, it is breakable. <3
Here's tips on breaking that trauma bond (what you're calling cognitive dissonance, which it is in a form)!
It can also help to talk to someone, like a DV advocate. They can also help you access affordable counseling while you wait for your insurance to activate.
And to make a plan to escape, even if you're not ready to enact it yet.
It's not your fault. A respectful, safe person would never put you through what he has.
Your local DV org can help you with accessing trauma-informed therapy and likely a DV support group as well.
Break the trauma bond:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Go to the police and take a break from dating at all. Hunker down and focus on you and your healing. Return to dating when you're actually ready. It's not bad to dedicate your time and energy on you. 🧡
Is your therapist trauma-informed and helping you work on breaking the trauma bond?
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
The trauma bond is really tough - but it can be broken!
You can't fix something that someone else is actively breaking.
Here's how to break the trash bond so you can leave:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
Trauma-informed therapy wouldn't hurt either.
- Trauma-informed therapy
- How to break a trauma bond
- A technique like ACT or DBT, which you can learn in therapy or with books like Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks and Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
- Time
- Attend a DV support group
- Talk to friends
- Foster healthy relationships in your life, including platonic ones
- Find positive things to do (exercise, go back to school, career changes, try new hobbies, pick a new skill to learn, explore your local town, etc.)
- A book like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook or It's My Life Now to foster your healing
Good luck!
Yes, the trauma bond is difficult but breakable.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
Are you able to access trauma-informed therapy?
I'm very glad you've gotten away!
Please keep working with your therapist, especially on breaking the trauma bond and going no contact with him: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
Having him in your life is only a constant re-traumatization and experiencing continued abuse. Your healing will be more effective once you've successfully escaped the grip of his manipulation. I'm sorry. I know it's hard, but just remember: hard is not the same thing as impossible. Cutting him out is a form of resolution.
Tips for breaking that trauma bond. Here's plenty of things to do besides give in to the urge to contact him. You can also contact a DV advocate and talk to them instead. He's a huge asshole. My favorite part was where even he could name his specific abusive tactics, but then the only weapon he had to DARVO you with was "I'm hurting too". Who gives a dookey!? Stop being abusive, then maybe you won't hurt so much. Waah. You're creating your own problems, dudebro. Like, calling you out for "not keeping your composure" - he can't even keep his composure over your existence, but you're supposed to keep your composure when he's attacking you/yelling at you/namecalling you/manipulating you/threatening you. Yeah, sure, lmao. Hypocritical as they always are.
You deserve real respect and compassion, OP. Don't give him too many props for that therapy. Abusers need specific abuser/batterer programs. Therapy tends to just make them worse because it confirms their victim complexes and provides them tools to be better manipulators.
The trauma bond is basically an addiction - but can be broken.
You have not described any genuine apology or account of change from him. "I'm sorry you feel bad" is the classic non-apology apology. It takes no accountability of his actions or why you feel bad. I also noticed he offered to do nothing to be worthy of forgiveness; he simply demanded you believe his lying promises and do so. What do you need to be able to go completely no contact with this abuser?
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
What you're feeling is called a "trauma bond". It sucks, but it is breakable. Besides those links with tips on breaking it, can you access trauma-informed therapy?
Just block him. He has ruined his opportunity for a conversation. Block him and if he starts stalking you (including changing numbers to keep contacting you), report it to cops and get a restraining order. Do not answer any calls. If he shows up at your door, call the cops.
Here's tips on documenting his behavior:
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/
https://www.techsafety.org/documentationtips
Here's how to break the trauma bond, which is what keeps you going back:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Trauma-informed therapy would also be great if you're not in it already.
It's the trauma bond! Many have compared it to an addiction - but like an addiction, you can break its grip. Trauma-informed therapy can also help, if you can access it.
And yes, your understanding is wise. He definitely wields his age as power and authority over you.
Unlearn his gaslighting (plus workbook)
Trauma-informed therapy wouldn't hurt!
A DV support group could also really help.
You got this. <3
The trauma bond sucks but is breakable! Help below:
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Here's a list of things you can do when you feel the urge to reach back out to him: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/distracting-activities/
There's nothing wrong with you. You're being abused and gaslit and suffering the normal effects of such trauma.
Break the trauma bond (more and more)
People to talk to for emotional support and logistical help
Unknowns are hard, so I want to address some of yours.
What if it doesn't stick? That doesn't have to be permanent. Abuse is scary and difficult to escape. On average, it takes 7 attempts to successfully escape. I don't say this to de-motivate you. I say it to let you know that you can always keep trying. Even if you leave and get sucked back in, that doesn't mean you're meant to stay. It means abuse sucks, and it takes a while to de-tangle and get safe.
What if you regret leaving? A pessimist might say that life is full of regrets: life is a series of choices that you can only ever make hoping to make the one that brings the least regret. What I really want to do is flip this back around: what if you choose to stay longer and regret that?
Best of luck.
It gets easier! 👐
Tips on breaking a trauma bond:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
You were with him for five years. Of course you're not just over it in a couple of weeks! Emotional healing doesn't follow a timeline like physical healing, but think of physical injuries. Often, they can happen in an instant. It takes a mere second to be bruised or cut or break a bone. But the healing takes a lot longer. The healing is also best done under medical supervision, especially for deeper wounds.
Emotional wounds also take time to heal and often need professional support, such as trauma-informed therapy. While you wait for therapy, books like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook and It My Life Now can help you begin the healing process in a directed manner.
And you want him because you're still struggling with the trauma bond. These resources can help with that:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Good job standing up for yourself!
The trauma bond is one hell of a drug, but it can be broken:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Trauma-informed therapy and/or attending a DV support group probably wouldn't hurt either.
Are you working with the psychologist specifically on breaking the trauma bond?
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
You got this. You can break away fully.
The trauma bond is so hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. Help below.
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
The trauma bond is so tough. Can you get in with a trauma-informed therapist and/or attend a DV support group? These can also help:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Talking to a DV advocate can also help: https://nomoredirectory.org/
Closure is the gift you give yourself. He's given you an answer by abusing you, yanking you around, and now ignoring you: he doesn't respect you as a person and enjoys that you're suffering. He has absolutely nothing worth offering.
Here's tips on breaking that trauma bond: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Understand better what you've suffered: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Stop. Take a deep breath. In...and out... Take another. In...and out. And one more. In...and out.
What you're dealing with is extremely difficult and frustrating and scary. But not being able to break the bond YET doesn't mean "never".
It's a process. Here are things you can do to help that process.
Break the trauma bond tips:
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Workbook to aid recovery, help you make a plan, and begin to recover your sense of self: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Abuse-Recovery-Workbook-Psychological/dp/1647391849/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3MWZXJRKAPOHQ&keywords=emotional+abuse+recovery+workbook&qid=1664433870&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIzLjU3IiwicXNhIjoiMi42OCIsInFzcCI6IjIuNTQifQ%...
Attend trauma-informed therapy.
Attend a DV support group.
Attend DV group therapy.
Talk to supportive friends/family about what you're going through.
Talk to a DV advocate for support and help: https://nomoredirectory.org/
Make a plan, even if you're not ready to enact all of it yet. Enact pieces you are ready to handle: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
Line up things to do and coping methods for when you're out and begin to crave him, such as these distractions ideas: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/distracting-activities/
Spend some time journaling about what you might be getting from this relationship that contributes to it being hard to leave (company, not having to be single, great sex, someone who loves to talk about worms as much as you, etc.). Then you can brainstorm ways how to fill that need in other ways that don't involve him. This will help you see you don't need him and help your plan for how to not go back once you leave.
You can do this. I believe in you.
You can break down this feeling, but you do have to specifically work at reality training. The resources below can help.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Your boyfriend broke you down over the course of years. It's reasonable that you need more than a couple of months to untangle all that.
Are you working on breaking that trauma bond?
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
It's good you're working with a therapist!
Closure is the gift you give yourself. Figure out what you need to say one last final good-bye without him, and do that. You may get a lot out of writing a letter to let go of him - and then ceremoniously burning it instead of sending it. You already tried re-initiating contact and it went terribly. Your therapist is right. You need to figure out what you need from yourself to let him go.
The trauma bond is really hard but it is breakable. Do you have a trauma-informed therapist and/or good friends/family you can talk to? How about talking to a DV advocate? How about making an escape plan so it's there when you are ready to follow it? How about trying a book like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook?
How to break the trauma bond.
Unlearn all that gaslighting.
A workbook on how to start prioritizing yourself again.
Why Does He Do That? will help you see through his tactics - read it free here.
Accept that you can leave and feel bad for him. Not feeling bad for him will probably come after you escape. Feeling bad for him is not a reason to stay. You're afraid and feeling bad for him is your excuse, and that's okay. That's human. But it's not a reason to stay. It is not a reason to keep a relationship with someone.
Practice utilizing your empathy for you. You feel bad that he has no one. What about you? How many people has he pushed out of your life? Do you not deserve love, support, and comfort (none of which he gives you)?
Talk to a DV advocate for some emotional support and clarity.
Nobody breaks the trauma bond or unlearns gaslighting overnight. It's a long process.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/gaslighting-in-relationships-signs-how-to-spot/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted
Trauma-informed therapy and/or a DV support group would do wonders. I highly suggest therapy.
You can also try books like the Trauma Bond Recovery Journal, Gaslighting Workbook, Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook, or It's My Life Now.
A DV advocate can help provide emotional support and set you up with some resources for healing.
You need help. Please let yourself get that. Not only do you deserve it, but your kid needs you - the best you and needs to see that it's okay to get help.
Trauma-informed therapy
Talking with friends/family
Talking with a DV advocate
Breaking the trauma bond
Utilizing workbooks like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook or Healing From Hidden Abuse
Fostering healthy relationships in your life, including with yourself and your friends
As a side note, one thing that has helped me heal was to let go of the label of codependency, which made me feel like I was at fault and to blame for "accepting" abuse. Lundy touches on this in Why Does He Do That? but survivors aren't codependent with their abusers: we're controlled and trapped by our abusers. We may develop or struggle with codependency afterwords, but we aren't codependent with our abuser. We're abused by our abuser.
In that case, I would dedicate time towards breaking the trauma bond. The truth is that actual, healthy love...means knowing you can walk away if need be. What you are suffering is an addiction. Not love. I'm sorry.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
Friends will either reveal themselves to be safe and worthy of your friendship - or people who aren't safe that you need to cut out.
The trauma bond sucks.
These will help:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/
You can call a friend to chat when you have the urge to call him. If a friend isn't available, talk it through with a DV advocate (they are there for emotional support, too): https://nomoredirectory.org/
And when the feelings are just too overwhelming, do something from these lists instead: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/distracting-activities/
Please get out of couples counseling post-haste!!! It is SO dangerous for abusive relationships, and any counselor worth their salt will refuse to see you if they know the relationship is abusive!!! You are seeing firsthand, right now, part of the huge problem of couples counseling with an abuser. The counselor is treating this as something you two need to work together to solve. Instead of asking your abuser, "what are you doing to regain trust?", the counselor has instead turned it on you to forgive your abuser without even proof of change. The truth is that this is not a relationship problem. It is an abuse problem, and that's 100% on the abuser who is perpetuating abuse. You do not share responsibility of abuse occurring. It's not on you to figure out how to rebuild the relationship. It's on your abuser. And he does that by getting into an abuser/batterer program and/or seeing a therapist specifically trained in rehabilitating abusers. The program and/or therapist will work with you to uncover the extent of the abuse and keep the abuser accountable, but you will not be involved in confronting and challenging your abuser to unlearn his abusive mentality.
Your abuser didn't make an "oopsie". He didn't accidentally break your trust. He preyed on a younger person and spent years specifically dedicated to destroying your self-esteem, ripping apart your sense of self, distorting your reality, and making sure that you feared and obeyed him. He doesn't rebuild with you. He rebuilds for you.
It would also be good for you to work with your own trauma-informed therapist. General therapists are not trained in complex trauma like abuse and can end up gaslighting you by proxy and re-traumatizing you, such as with your couples counselor. A trauma-informed therapist will help your healing journey, which should be focused on what you need, not on what your abuser or the relationship needs. For the past however long you've been together, you have been neglected - by him, by the relationship, and by yourself through him forcing you. Whether the relationship can be saved or not, that also depends on you finally getting taken care of.
The pull you described having towards him in your other thread is really common and we all mistake it for love. It's called a trauma bond, and it keeps you thinking that you need him to survive (trauma brain assumes you cannot stop the abuse, so it survives by accepting the abuse, which can be good for surviving - but terrible for escaping). The links I shared here will talk about what the trauma bond is and how to break it.
I must also note here, because I saw it in your other thread, that you are attributing his gross cruelty towards you as a mental illness. I know this is a common myth because our abuse culture society promotes that survivors are responsible for their suffering and abusers are responsible for nothing, but there is no mental illness that causes abuse. Read that again: there is no mental illness that causes abuse. Abuse is not caused by any mental illness. Abuse cannot be solved or cured with medication or traditional therapy because abuse is not a mental illness or disease. Abuse is a mindset. It is a worldview. It is a corrupt set of morals. An abuser is perfectly in control of their actions. They deliberately and consciously choose to enact and perpetuate abuse against their chosen targets.
By and large, abusers do not have any underlying mental health conditions (not even NPD, which is the current scapegoat for abusers!). They are completely rational thinking. They know to hide their abuse from others and keep it private. They understand what they are choosing to do. They simply don't view you as human or deserving of their respect, so they do not feel any compassion or sympathy for you and do not take your feelings, needs, comfort, boundaries, or safety into consideration. The only thing they care about is their desires. Their wants. Their demands.
The minority of abusers do have a concurrent mental health condition. When this occurs, the mental health condition needs treated IN ADDITION to the abusive mentality. Treating the mental illness will not solve or end the abuse (and in fact, in many cases, it tends to worsen it because abusers are extremely selfish and treating mental illness takes a lot of time, energy, and work from them, and they will use that as a justification to be worse to you or hold them taking medication or going to therapy over you in order to control you). Mental health conditions can interplay with abuse. They can impact how an abuser chooses to enact abuse. But they still have an underlying abusive mentality that allows them to justify and choose to abuse. In fact, having a mental health condition is, in most cases, actually more likely to make you a target of abuse than perpetrator of abuse. People who abuse only have one thing in common: they can justify the decision to do so.
I learned this and much more from a book I'd like you to read. It's called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and you can get a free pdf copy here. It breaks down an abuser's mindset and helps you understand that their abuse is their choice, and only they can choose to stop it. See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill, free here, is a good follow-up if you got a lot out of Lundy's book and want more. It has bits interspersed with interviews/interactions from couples with a reformed abuser that may give you more insight on just how extremely, exceedingly rare it is for an abuser to change - and what that change even actually looks like. It also goes into the extreme depths of depravity of abusers and will be a triggering read. There are multiple descriptions of pedophilia, racism, murder, torture, rape, child abuse, women slavery, etc. However, I suggest it in particular because of one section that perfectly outlines that an abuser becoming non-abusive and healing the relationship means doing as they have forced you to do for so long: neglecting their needs and focusing on you. (At some point, things have to become equal, but they have a lot of damage to repair before then. They need to be able to prioritize you rather than themselves if they are going to rebuild.)
All that said, I know it's not going to magically convince you to leave your abuser, so I am including vital and necessary resources for you here to manage trying to salvage your relationship.
Did you check the link? It has tips. As I said, therapy will also be SUPER beneficial in doing so.
You can use this book, too: https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Bond-Recovery-Journal-Exploration/dp/B099TN9WCN/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=39G3KMT95D6FB&keywords=trauma+bond+recovery+journal&qid=1662502793&sprefix=trauma+bond+reccovery+%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-5
You also need to block him so it's harder for him to contact you.
You can join a DV support group, too.
Here's people to talk to and they can help you find a therapist: https://nomoredirectory.org/
The trauma bond really sucks - but it's also completely possible to break.
Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook is a good one; it's written to be inclusive of people who haven't escaped yet.
Are you able to get into trauma-informed therapy? Do you have any friends/family who know what you're going through? Are you able to attend a DV support group? Community can be so important to leaving.
DV advocates are always there for emotional support. They can also help you make a plan!
Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) is a good book to take apart all the gaslighting and manipulation he's put you through and help you see through the lies. Perspective can help you get out.
Here is a list of things to do to distract yourself when you leave and the trauma bond tells you to take him back.
It's hard, but it's possible. You've got this. Keep trying. You will get there. On average, it takes 7 attempts to escape. You're not alone. You don't have to do this alone. We're here with you.
The trauma bond is one hell of a drug. I've seen people who suffer drug/alcohol addiction compare the trauma bond to an addiction. It's difficult to break - but it's also possible to break. You got this.
Please reach out and talk to a DV advocate whenever you need support. Talking can be more useful than writing sometimes. And, of course, you can always post here.
- Block him. Block his friends. Block any new accounts he makes to harass you. Consider changing your number.
- Get a restraining order. Report him every single time he violates it.
- Move. New environment, new life. It's not fair, but you need space. Living that close just isn't healthy or tenable.
- Trauma-informed therapy.
- DV support group.
- Self-help and workbooks, like:
- Somantic and/or craniosacral therapy.
- Talk to people. Rebuild your support system. Foster friendships. Get out and meet new friends. Ways to meet people:
- Join a hobby group (try meetup.com and facebook)
- Join a group physical exercise (gym group classes, dance - salsa or zumba or hiphip or whatever, self-defense, yoga, pilates, neighborhood powerwalking group, tai chi, krav maga, jiu jitsu, muay thai, crossfit, ninja gym, rock climbing, parkour)
- Attend local events (see local radio station sites, local government site, facebook)
- Take a class to learn a new skill (see your local library, community center, and/or community college)
- Volunteer
- Talk to a DV advocate when you need emotional support while you foster friendships again.
- Rebuild routine back in your life. Sit down and actually plan out a weekly schedule for yourself. Include time for chores, errands, work, and sleep. But also plan out some specific fun time: time for hobbies, exercise, relaxation, self-care, etc.
Of course you're not just over this. That's not how trauma, particularly big-T Trauma works. But that doesn't mean this is what the rest of your life looks like. There is healing. There is opportunity. There is happiness. <3
The trauma bond really sucks, it is possible to break!
I also suggest learning more about the cycle you're caught in by reading Why Does He Do That? which you can read free here.
That trauma bond is hard to break.
Have you read Why Does He Do That? (free pdf) yet? It's really enlightening and may help give you the perspective to fight for you and your son.
Are you able to get into trauma-informed therapy or attend a DV support group? Can you talk with a DV advocate?
Here's how to deal with coercive self-harm threats.
It's not on you to sacrifice you and your son's life to try and save him. It's his responsibility to take care of himself.
You got this.
These may be of help.
Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook
Yes, it's normal to miss him. Here's tips on breaking the trauma bond. You may also find use in trauma-informed therapy, a DV support group, and/or books like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook, It's My Life Now, and/or Thriving After Trauma.
Have you heard of sexual coercion? It's a form of sexual harassment/assault/abuse. (Just mentioning it as you mention he used to guilt you, so I'm just thinking it might be helpful.)
I'm so sorry. The trauma bond really is no joke at all.
You got this. You have a plan. You will get out. You and your son will get safety and healing. <3
I'm not sure if I've shared these with you yet, but if not, I hope you'll find them helpful
Break the trauma bond (scroll to end for the tips)
Emotional abuse workbook (written to be inclusive of those who haven't escaped yet)
DV advocates to chat with for emotional support
Acceptance & Commitment Therapy workbook
How to build up self-esteem
How to self-affirm (may be useful for one of your affirmations to include something like "I'm a capable and deserving person; I can survive breaking off my relationship")
Are you able to get into trauma-informed therapy?
Here are other tips on breaking the trauma bond:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Please focus on breaking the trauma bond.
He has threatened your life. He's put hands around your neck. He hits all the major warning signs of potential homicide. This is not a joke. This is not an overreaction. This man can and will kill you. Choking is the number one indicator of potential homicide. Threatening to end your life, even "indirectly", is another major indicator. This man is a murderer in wait. He will kill you. If you go back, he will kill you. Do everything you can to stay away. Alcohol doesn't make him abusive. Alcohol gives him an excuse to continue being abusive.
Why Does He Do That? will be a helpful read for you in understanding the truth of who this man is. He doesn't love you. He doesn't have anger problems. He may have an alcohol problem. But his major problem is that he's abusive. He thinks it's okay to hurt you. To emotionally and physically hurt you. He has no qualms against killing you. He doesn't care about your safety or your wellbeing or your health or your life. He cares about himself and how big and powerful he can feel.
Yes, going back is a bad, terrible, horribly dangerous idea. You still have so much life to live. Please don't risk that for this piece of trash abuser who has both threatened to kill you and tried to kill you (the difference between life and death when choking is seconds - and choking can cause internal injuries that kill you weeks to months after the initial incident, even if you seem fine).
You deserve to live, OP. I hope you'll see that.
There's nothing wrong with you. You can live without him. That trauma bond is one hell of a drug, but your life doesn't actually depend on him. He is only a danger to you. You need food. You need air. You need sleep. You do not need him. You can break the trauma bond.
Please get yourself help. You are not trapped. You can unlearn this mentality and get out.
- Get into trauma-informed therapy
- Attend a DV support group
- Call a DV advocate to talk (they're there for emotional support as much as anything else)
- Talk to you family and ask for their support
- Break the trauma bond (one more)
- Keep a reality check journal. Document all his abuse. Every mean thing he says or does. Everything cruel, hurtful, upsetting, manipulative - write it all down. Re-read it whenever you start to think he may change or he starts love bombing you
- Try the workbook Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook and/or Gaslighting Recovery Workbook
- Unlearn his gaslighting
- Make a plan even if you're not ready to act on it yet. Make it
- Read Why Does He Do That? (free pdf)
- Stop putting yourself down and calling yourself names. Do some self-affirmations every day
You - and your family - deserve more than him killing you. You deserve to live your life. You feel trapped, and that makes sense. But you're not trapped, and you can get out. It starts by letting yourself believe that. Tell it to yourself. Every day. Say it out loud to yourself in the mirror. "He's not going to change. I want to leave. I want to live. I will leave." Say it every day until you believe it. He got you to believe his abuse by repeating it over and over again. You'll unlearn it the same way - re-teaching yourself your worth by reminding yourself of your worth. The only way to regain what he's stolen from you, including your energy, is by leaving. We have been there. I promise, you can do it. Death is not the answer. Living - thriving - is.
A trauma-informed therapist would be a really, really good idea.
Here's other things you can do:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/distracting-activities/
OP, he's a cheater who has you convinced that you are a terrible human being for dating/having sex with people who aren't him when you weren't even together!!! He used this as a justification to try and murder you. Choking is the number one predictor of death in domestic abuse. You are 6 times or 750% more likely to be murdered by your abuser once he chokes you. You're actually 750% more likely to die by an abuser who chokes you than the same one if they had pulled a gun on you. Strangulation is a factor in 45% of all DV homicides. The line between life and death when being choked is mere seconds. And choking can leave internal injuries that kill you weeks after the initial incident (always get checked out by a doctor).
You are strong. You have been through constant emotional abuse for years. You have survived beatings. You survived attempted murder. You have survived this asshole emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, mentally, and physically trying to tear you down to the ground and leaving you in pieces, and you think you're not STRONG!? You're a mother fucking badass. You survived all that. You can survive everything. You can most absolutely survive leaving the man who wouldn't even bother shedding a tear for you if he killed you.
What makes you think you can't leave and that you need him for survival is the trauma bond. Here's more tips on breaking that. He's made you addicted to him. You are breaking an addiction. And the truth about addictions is that the substance you're addicted to is what kills you. Getting sober is what saves your life.
You don't deserve anything he did. He's a piece of shit. He's less than shit. At least shit is the end result of the process of your body sustaining itself. He's just a selfish, entitled jackass who can only make himself feel good by tearing you down and bruising and breaking you. If you want to truly understand where he's coming from, read Why Does He Do That? (free pdf).
OP, he doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve anyone. Here's how to unlearn all the nasty gaslighting he has put you through.
Please get yourself help and support in the form of as many of these as you can:
- Trauma-informed therapist
- DV support group
- Infidelity support group
- DV advocate
- Friends
- Family
- Self-help and workbooks like:
- It's My Life Now
- Recover and Rebuild
- Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook
- Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life
- Trauma Bond Recovery Journal
- Gaslighting Recovery Workbook
- Healing From Hidden Abuse
- The Self-Love Workbook
- Self-Love Workbook for Women
- Thriving After Trauma
- Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in 7 Weeks
- Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
You deserve the world, OP. Don't put yourself down. Affirm yourself. Say it with me: "I will not only survive escaping [abuser's name], I will THRIVE doing so."
You can do this. Don't look back.
Popular alternatives to Trauma Bond Recovery Journa...
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
