This is only based on a hunch (and unfortunately, personal experience) but you may benefit from reading this book.
Have you ever read the borderline mother (it's only 1 audible credit - it's expensive but in my opinion, well worth it) or stop walking on eggshells (I'm still working through this one and there is a workbook that accompanies this one)? The borderline mother really helped me find peace honestly.
Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson was a big breakthrough resource to help me understand BPD and my mother's specific [undiagnosed] personality "type". Here's a quick breakdown of those types.
I don't know why the book is so expensive in print now, but the Amazon link also has a link to Audible and you should be able to get a free trial to listen to it.
Hope this helps and things get better!