I don't have any advice for you as I'm currently going through the same struggle, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. I honestly feel like I could've written this post, word-for-word. I recently ordered this book on Amazon, and though I haven't finished it yet, it seems to have some great strategies in it, especially for those of us with chronic pain. <3
Re: how overwhelming it can be to bring a chaotic/messy living space in order, especially if your standards for cleanliness are higher... I found this book incredibly helpful for figuring out how to minimize time spent cleaning with maximum results. You should check it out if you have the chance! There's a whole section about mental health and cleaning, which helped me out a LOT when my depression was at its worst.
Regarding the rest... I'm really sorry that you're going through all of that, and I wish I could help. I've been through similar things with my partner, and to some extent am still going through them. If you ever need to vent, feel free to reach out to me. I may not be able to help, but I'm always here to listen, which can be more helpful sometimes!
This is the premise of the book Unf*ck Your Habitat . I’m only into Part two of this 200 something page book and it’s been a great read.
https://www.amazon.com/Unf-Your-Habitat-Youre-Better/dp/1250102952 this book helped me a lot. It's aimed at people with mental health problems to work on their living spaces over time. It's concept of small amounts of cleaning rather than marathon cleaning helped me a lot. I have a pretty clean house because of it without any help from a cleaning person and not much help from my partner (we have one kid but three cats).
Unf*ck Your Habitat: You're Better Than Your Mess https://www.amazon.com/dp/1250102952/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_n.nEzbMCJNH6V. This is a book that has helped me as well. Helps you focus.
It's a woman. She's coming out with a book:
https://www.amazon.com/Unf-Your-Habitat-Youre-Better/dp/1250102952?tag=smarturl-20