Hi Bill T. Bloody, I work to support male survivors of sexual abuse/assault. If you are looking for book suggestions, then I would recommend "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. My boss has been working with male survivors for over 30 years and he insists that it is an essential read for any male survivor. He has met Mike Lew and told me that he is an incredibly compassionate and empathetic individual. Lots of my clients really found something that resonated for them when they read it. I hope this will be helpful in normalizing what you are experiencing.
Is the therapist you saw at all aware that the exercise unleashed all this for you? They should be helping you or referring you to someone who can - a kink positive therapist could be very helpful.
In the meantime, there aren't a lot of self-help books for men recovering from childhood sexual abuse, but the classic Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew is a very good resource.
Hey there,
I graduated with my BSW in June and complete my last placement at a Correctional Facility for male offenders. My placement was over the span of 4 months and my supervisor gave me a book called ‘Victims No Longer’, written by Mike Lew. It was encompassed by a lot of personal stories and experiences shared by men recovering from childhood sexual abuse, but helped explain behaviour patterns and how sexual abuse can affect your development in terms of areas of growth and how you see yourself.... and how sexual abuse can be overlooked, or brushed off by society (particularly 40-50+ years ago) in terms of how childhood sexual abuse can affect you in so many different ways depending on so many factors, with the mindset that no experience whatsoever is the same as another! [such is social work]
I’ve attached the amazon link!
Goodluck :)
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/006053026X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_OwiFBbVVGM0MR
Good luck! Also, this is a pretty good book specifically about male survivors of childhood sexual abuse that may be helpful. I read it when I was with my ex and got him to read portions of it also. It provided some interesting insight.
I’m so sorry. As somebody who is still on the painful journey of dealing with the effects of incest abuse, perhaps my experiences can be of some help.
My immediate concern is whether or not this person is still in your life in any capacity. If you still have contact with this person, it needs to end immediately. I went TOO long with my abuser in my life and I very much hope that this isn’t the case with you.
Like everyone else has said, you were not turned gay. You were sexually abused, and that fact has no bearing on your orientation. I would immediately advise you to check out the book Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, written specifically for males recovering from childhood sexual abuse. Each chapter focuses on one of the many aspects of abuse that you are no doubt trying to deal with by yourself right now. It also gives insight into the lives of others who have gone through similar experiences and, if nothing else, will help you feel a lot less alone in your experience. It will hopefully also show you that it is completely possible to move past what has happened and love another man without doubting why.
I also strongly encourage you to seek therapy, as you need one-on-one time with somebody who will listen and help you navigate your specific situation. Therapy is the only reason I know about the book I just mentioned. Fortunately, it also has chapters dedicated to the process of seeking out a good therapist.
It took me a very long time to navigate the feelings that sprung up because of the abuse, and I absolutely understand the concern of whether or not you were ‘turned’ gay. Luckily I have wholly and happily rejected that idea. If I believed that the abuse dictated my orientation, it would have led to the rejection of the love of my partner, who I credit with giving me the boost I needed to confront the abuse in the first place.
I am a survivor of long term systematic childhood sexual abuse, at the hands of a woman more than twice my age.
It took years for me to tell anyone about it who wasn't a therapist. Men are so conditioned to want sex that it seems inconceivable that, even in a severe power imbalance, a male wouldn't be up for sex. Obviously, it must have been my fault.
Surviving sexual abuse has taught me some very wrong lessons about the nature of friendship and the nature of love itself, that I have spent a lot of time and money unlearning. It has caused me to make very questionable and damaging life choices, and I am astounded that I survived my 20s.
Examples of some of the fucked up things sexual abuse has taught me:
If someone is friendly to me, they want sex.
If a relationship of any kind is valuable to me, I should engineer sex as a way of keeping it
Only bad people want sex. If I didn't want sex so much, nothing bad would ever happen to me.
I should never refuse sex, no matter how I feel.
I should initiate sex as often as possible, otherwise I have no utility.
I should never initiate sex because I am a bad person and having sex with me is hideous.
It is manageable now. It never goes away. I will fight some of these battles daily.
I remember very well the day I told someone about what had happened to me. It felt like the biggest risk I had ever taken. I was convinced I would be laughed at and told my experience was something to be prized. Luckily the people I told were all stoners and were very cool about the whole thing.
It's been hard in some ways. The resources available are limited and geared towards women. I'm not saying women should have less resources, I'm saying healing is difficult when the majority of the literature is addressed to women and uses language that assumes men are the aggressors. I am sorry for all women who have suffered at the hands of men. Nevertheless men need their own tools.
If you are a male and are in recovery from any childhood sexual abuse, you should read Victims No Longer, a book about surviving child sexual abuse, for and by men. I remember reading the introduction and weeping - it was such a relief to encounter a book written for me, that I didn't need to translate and recontextualise.
Recovery is possible, guys. Survival is possible. Hell, it's even possible to thrive.
Yep shame is the poison that isn't talked about. Depression and anxity get all the lime light but shame kills and wreckes lives just as much or even more.
Sexual surragacy is illegal here. Sex work and therapy are legal but not togther. It got to the stage that paying was the only option left, I was thinking about it for 10 years before it happened and it took my therapist encouraging me to get there, it was rough. Luckly the escort I chose is really good and she's had lots of other beginners so it went really well. I can only afford it like twice a year.
The pressure of knowing how sex, dating, flirtling works after we get past our early 20's is immense. It's super hard to deal with and I've also found it super hard to find help with. I ended up talking to a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse, she also said she doesn't work with many men. She's really good but also expensive, for me anyway mostly due to currency exchange rate. The videos are mostly geared towards women but it all applys to men as well.
The trap I'm trying not to fall into now is thinking that the only way for me to get affection is to pay for it. Wishing you all the very best, it's heart wrenching I know. I cannot find words for how hard it is really.
http://www.amazon.com/Victims-No-Longer-Classic-Recovering/dp/006053026X this is probably the best
This is another pretty good book
And you could try googling "rape resorce center" or "crisis center" and hopefully find some resources that way as well.
www.1in6.org also has some info that may help
The information is available in the following books: Victims no Longer, the Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Child Sexual Abuse by Mike Lew
Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter.
So yes the studies have been done and are out there for many years.