It sounds primarily like childhood trauma to me. Childhood trauma changes the way that your brain works and the connections it makes. There have been a lot of studies about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and the long term affects of it.
Children process trauma in a different way than adults. Kids who have experienced trauma sometimes act out and act erratically. Children (and adults) don’t always have the skills to process what they have been through.
It might be helpful to look into books on trauma and to talk to a therapist. The book What Happened to You is well written and talks about trauma and resilience.
"What happened to you ?" : The neurosequence perspectives in this book was like a balm to me. https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Conversations-Resilience/dp/B08PW4Q284/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3BVCSVSSUIW0N&keywords=what+happened+to+you&qid=1655055561&sprefix=what+happened+to+you%2Caps%2C302&sr=8-1
Trust this helps all of you.
Counseling is a good way to sort through your feelings, identify patterns of behavior, and grow as a person. You could also talk to your doctor to get a diagnosis and meds.
Based on your initial post, it sounds like you have experienced a lot of trauma. Childhood trauma impacts the way that your brain works.
Your body responds to perceived threats by going into fight/flight/freeze mode. Growing up with trauma, your body goes into flight or flight frequently as a defense mode. Your brain has been conditioned to be that way. It sounds like you automatically go into fight mode.
Learn more about childhood trauma and its impact on the brain and body. Look up ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and the studies about their impact. The more you learn about it, the more tools you will have to make changes.
Resources:
NumberStory.org is a great resource for understanding childhood trauma and ACES.
“Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can be highly stressful experiences that can happen to any of us before we turn 18.
ACEs are not our fault, and we didn’t have control over when or why they happened. They can be a single event. Or they can be an ongoing struggle where our safety, security, trust, or even our very sense of self is threatened or violated.”
Books:
What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing
It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to Break the Cycle
I feel you ...
I dont know how else to help you other than some inspirational tools and books I have read which have personally helped me heal...Here is one
... It helped me map some of the episode sequence which left the
invisible wounds... As they say the first step is to "Touch the Wound"
before you can "Heal the wound"
I also wanted to share 3 resources I found immensely useful to get my head around a taxonomy of words to help express my deepest inner feelings which was step-1 of the healing process.
Sharing to heal ...:)
I'm glad you reached out. I also retreat when my mom goes on the offensive with me. I chose gaming and a solitary life, felt so much better being without her (even the good times). Eventually in my road to heal myself I finally got angry. I learned I'm worth being treated better, and with that realization the anger should come, which helps you be the champion or hero for yourself that nobody has ever been.
Also, fuck that host for also making you uncomfortable. There will come a day OP when you will be able to say "my job isn't to entertain you, this is how I am, take it or leave it." There will come a day when you'll tell your parents to fuck off with their abusive and shitty child rearing which really put you at a disadvantage from the start for a healthy, happy life.
It's up to you now to find the way back to the happy path. They threw you in the woods, but you have the help of the internet, professionals, and communities like this to light the way.
I'm reading a book right now I'd like to recommend - "What Happened To You?" by a neuroscientist (and Oprah chiming in) and I'm finding it incredibly illuminating. It helps you understand developmentally how your parents' behavior led to where you are now. and it's not your fault. That book is not only relevant for children of narcissists but identifies ANY kind of traumatic events in someone's life and what it does to the brain. Above all it is helping me feel more sympathetic for what my mother/father went through as kids that led them to their current point, but it doesn't diminish my suffering and damage, which is a total first for me. And sees me as the hero in my own life, instead of the whipping girl.