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I'm so sorry for your loss. The only correct response to a death in the family is "I'm so sorry, how can I help." Your boyfriend can't even display baseline human decency. Please think about how/if he makes your life better. You already wait on him hand and foot and that's apparently not enough for him.
Please read this: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
He invests a lot of energy in making sure that you always feel like garbage if you don't do what he wants. It's a choice he makes. Nothing he does is an accident.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_WXVGE4MKDTXHDBW20MN7
Not surprised but jumping in on this PURELY to say:
MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY DRINK. THEY ARE VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY ARE VIOLENT.
They may use the booze as an excuse (and it's almost a guarantee that they will, since that's an external habit that can be stopped and they'd rather blame that than actually change), but when it comes down to it, if alcohol never existed? He'd still hit you.
Mandatory reading for every single woman on the planet: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why abuse really happens and all the bullshit excuses that men use to try to make it seem like it's everyone's fault but theirs.
Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's enlightening. I'm so glad you left, you were being abused. Good luck on your next journey. Go heal. You deserve better! We're here for you.
Ok, the idea that you give up on your career and stay home watering the plants while he works even though you don't plan to have kids is rather strange by itself, but coupled with what you found... there's really very little chance these things are unrelated. Whatever you do, don't become financially dependent on him ever. He sounds kinda gaslighty and manipulative to me, I recommend you read this book as I'm worried there might be a lot more there that you're not seeing, you should be able to find a pdf online
He's not abusing you because his grief is making him do it. He's abusing you because he is an abuser, and grief is what it took to bring it out of him. Somewhere in his mentality is a mysogynistic belief that it's ok to blame and hurt women. At some point in your lives, something else bad will happen, and that side of him will show again. It will probably become more and more frequent, with less provocation required, because he'll get more and more comfortable doing it. And right now, because you stay, because you make excuses for him that it's because of his grief, because you protect him by not telling the therapist, he's learning that he can get away with it, which will probably just lower his inhibitions.
Please read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Please get yourself to safety.
Hey mate, I'm so sorry that happened. Killing your dog is brutal, it's the stuff of nightmares and false accusations are horrible to go through. I'm not surprised you feel it destroyed you as a person and it's gonna fuck you in the head. I'm glad that you got through it. Have you read Why does he do that? by Lundy bancroft? A lot of my clients have found it helps unfuck their head.
NTA. I agree with the others who are saying your husband is controlling and abusive. In addition to the resources listed, you might also want to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I'm divorcing a controlling husband myself, and I'm learning that a lot of things that I just accepted as being the way it was going to be was abusive and controlling.
I very very strongly recommend you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
It’s been a while since I’ve read it, so I hope someone will correct me if I’m wrong, but the biggest takeaway I remember be smacked with is that he doesn’t have to be abusive. He isn’t abusive to coworkers. He isn’t abusive to his friends. He isn’t abusive to acquaintances. He chooses to be abusive and he doesn’t want to change, which is why he never will.
There’s a book called Why Does He Do That that I haven’t seen suggested yet. You may find it helpful. It has a chapter about how abusive men seem to get “everybody else” on their side, including therapists who should know better.
You don’t deserve to be hit, and I hope the best for you.
What’s my source for it being a self help book?
> In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship.
If you're interested in reading you should check out Why Does He Do That? .
He's not interested in listening to you or working on the relationship, which tells me he doesn't value your thoughts or feelings. The fact that he rages while you sit quietly tells me that his goal is to intimidate you into submission. This relationship might not be worth saving without counselling, especially if he doesn't think he needs it. Just proceed with caution and remember that you should be taking care of yourself before you take care of him. You are not responsible for his actions.
I can recommend OP to check out Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It is a great way to establish some perspective on the behaviour of a potentially abusive partner.
Yes, it's assault. No matter how 'hysterical' or how 'difficult' you become, there is no excuse for hitting you. How 'hysterical' or 'difficult' would he have to be for you to lash out like that? Do you think if he had behaved in the way you feel you behaved that you would have reacted physically?
You don't know how to change because there is nothing you can do to change. When someone is abusive, they aren't doing it because there's something wrong with you, they're doing it because they have a compulsive need to control and to feel powerful. No matter how many rules you follow, no matter how many hoops you jump through to be a better person, they will always find an excuse to hurt you, they will always invent a rule for you to break.
This book might help you start to understand what's happening to you, but please do talk to someone, a friend, a family member, your midwife, the police.
Your posts lists a ton of viable reasons for you to make that comment.
Go to a library or order a used copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Your dad is angry and abusive.
I'm so sorry. A lot of your post is familiar ground and it's so hard to go through.
Can I suggest a book that helped me a LOT? Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Coming across this book was life-changing for me, just reading the exact scenarios I'd lived through with the author breaking down what was really happening.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It's awful when the other partner does that kind of thing in front of the kids - how on earth would that make you want to stay in the marriage?
I understand that you sympathize with her abuser, but the fact you projected inward instead of attacking things outside yourself actually sounds very different. It kind of shows that regardless of his mental health issue or lack there of (I'm not a therapist so I don't diagnose), he is choosing to abuse. So either way she needs to get the f*ck away from him.
Dr. Lundy Bancroft argues in his book (Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men), that the possibility of mental illness as a direct cause for abuse is actually very low. According to him and his experience counseling them, people abuse for power.
Which unfortunately, is also by design. This sort of thing is extremely nefarious, and hard to fight. It’s designed to control you, keep you with the person, and maintain their power over you. There’s a book you need to read called “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men
Get it in ebook/digital format if you can, because he will DEFINITELY take issue with seeing the book.
This has absolutely nothing to do with your SK, and absolutely everything to do with your SO.
This is manipulative, controlling, and abusive behavior, and men like this do NOT change for the better. It only gets worse, and the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave due to trauma bonding.
OP, please check out this book. It helped me understand what was going through my ex's head, and find the strength to leave a 10-year abusive relationship. These men seem perfect at first, but there are always subtle red flags, and learning how to recognize them will save you a world of pain.
Before you make a decision, please take a moment to read this book: "Why Does He Do That?"
The author spent 20 years working directly with abusive men and has far more insights into their brains than most people. I believe you'll find the answers you need in there.
That literal, physical relief you felt was your body telling you that leaving him was the right decision. Trust yourself. Trust your body.
You have a brilliant beautiful life ahead of you. Don't waste another moment of it!!!
This is the kind of hill you die on. Anyone who tells you that you need their permission to do something is guaranteed to make your life miserable.
But also congratulations on finding an excellent way to weed out controlling, prudish men. And for standing up for yourself. The Puritan DNA still runs deep in some of the US so the typical 18 year old would probably find it harder to disagree with him.
I recommend this book so you can be prepared for when you meet other controlling men. Be wary of older men as they sometimes target younger women because they think they can control them easier than women their age.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_70M0DA02TXTATE7EX6QJ
> He does tell me Im beautiful and amazing quite often and hasn't done any nasty name calling or anything but he has shown his anger and diverts responsibility or even just acknowledgement by accusing me of trying to be controlling or manipulative in some way, or just jealous which hurts. I do love him but his behavior is pushing me away.
K-bam is bang on the money with this in my opinion. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is great at explaining these behaviours so you can fully understand what he’s doing, it’s so easy to get lost in it all when it’s happening to you.
Hey friend, I'm really sorry that this is happening. You're showing real strength and maturity posting here and trying to work out how to help her. She's lucky to have you and she needs you right now.
The sad thing is that nobody can make her split up with him. However much she's told you there will be so much more going on that she hasn't, he could have made more threats or just got in her head and made her think things that aren't true. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim thats when most serious incidents and murders happen. The best that you can do is support her. Encourage her to read Why does he do that that's the number one thing I've ever found that has helped victims get out or just survive.
It might reassure her to know that statistically DV abusers almost never kill themselves. It's just words that they say. The sad thing is that abusers tend to not accept that they're wrong and see everything as someone else's fault and it's hard to make someone like that change.
Best way to support a victim is be the opposite of abuser, don't tell her what to do or criticise her. She gets enough of that from him. Ask her what she thinks and support her decision to be with him, just say you don't like some of the things he's done. If you criticise him a lot either she'll avoid you or he'll make sure she can't be friends with you.
Do you have support for yourself? It's tiring going through something like this and it's hard work.
This is really sad mate, I'm not surprised it's causing so much pain. Dad's shouldn't sexualise their kids, it's just wrong. Shame is so powerful and it is an easy way to make people feel horrible. Words have power and through no fault of your own it's effected your self esteem. Your mum not stopping it is an extra level of pain for you.
Living with an abuser is hard, our lives can end up revolving around them and what mood they are in. We can end up constantly finding ways to manage it, to even have to accept a certain level of abuse because we can't get out. What things do you try? Does journaling help, meditation or just imaging yourself somewhere else?
A book that might help you is why does he do that it can help us make sense of things and get our heads round it.
Keep reaching out mate, we are here for you and we support you no matter what. We've got your back
I'm sorry that you went through that, it all sounds so frightening and dreadful. I'm glad that you survived it, you're a warrior and an inspiration to other survivors. Have you read Why does he do That? it could really help you make sense of it and know how to protect yourself
He will not change. He might pretend to got a little while to get you back but he won't change permanently. This isn't about age, this is just an abusive person. When you reach your home,.block him on everything and read this https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=sr_1_5?crid=10Z6T1N7CNIE4&dchild=1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+book+lundy+bancroft&qid=1608721243&sprefix=Why+does+he+do+that%2Caps%2C190&sr=8-5
It'll tell you everything you need to know.
Please read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This book seriously changed my life.
You’ll get through this, sister.
Ok, you know what, let's leave my snarky comments aside for a second. Leave islam or don't, whatever. But I've read your post on r/muslimmarriage and you definitely should leave your husband. Give this book a read. Good luck.
This guy is the worst! Once you leave him you will start to get your confidence back. He is awful!
I second joining Female Dating Strategy. They will help you see that you're worth so much more.
Also read Why Does He Do That. It will help you untangle the mess he's made in your mind.
Good luck xx
You're welcome mate. Remember a victim's strong gut instinct about how he'll hurt her is the most reliable indicator of what's gonna happen next. I also really suggest getting this book it's the best book on DA ever written.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, watching it happen to someone is a helpless situation and you can't make someone see something they don't want to. Its hard seeing someone fall deeper into such horrible patterns. Have you read why does he do that? it could help you.
Hi friend! I'm in the UK so can't enter I just wanted to say well done for moving forwards and the courageous things you're doing. You mentioned shame and control, you might find why does he do that inside the minds of angry and controlling men interesting. Definitely take a look!
OP, the best thing to do is to press charges against your father. If a stranger had done this to you, would you still be so hesitant? If I may be so bold, the only reason you are second-guessing this is because he is family - and that doesn't give the man who raised you permission to beat you so badly you ended up in the hospital.
There is a book that might help you make sense of your tempestuous relationship with your father - it's called Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it on Amazon or you might be able to find a free pdf online somewhere. The book talks about abusive men and explores their patterns of behaviour. It describes the cycle of abuse and how abusers cycle through periods of contentment before descending back into abuse.
Your father is abusive, both emotionally and physically. You have done nothing to deserve this. It may be tempting to explain away his abuse with excuses related to his health or drunkenness, but the reality is that this is who your father is. He is the good you cherish in your memories, but he is also the abuse. Two sides of the same coin.
If you can afford therapy, I think it would be really helpful for you to talk through this incident with a therapist. It can be very confusing when the people we love do horrible things to us. Therapy might help you make sense of your feelings and give you some clarity about how to approach a possible relationship with your father going forward.
Best of luck, OP. I wish you healing.
Please consider reading the book Why Does He Do That
You can find the PDF download for free. Keep it to yourself.
I was in a similar situation for six years and didnt read the book until I got out, but holy shit did it hit the nail on the head. It may open your eyes a bit to the abuse you are receiving.
Abusers don't really like to come out as abusers, in fact they'll do a lot of mental and verbal gymnastics to deny that they are in fact abusers.
I suggest you read this book if you would like to know the mindset of a domestic or emotional abuser.
The author ran a program for abusive men (mostly court ordered if I remember correctly). He gets it. Surprisingly it really comes down to a sense of entitlement.
This is definitely a red flag, and it's not a healthy reaction to hypothetical cheating. I think when he said "you're not going to cheat on me so you have nothing to worry about," it was really threatening and was basically the same as saying "if you cheat on me, I really will do this."
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship.
You can read it here for free.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. I'm not saying that your partner is abusive, because only YOU can determine that. But this book will help you to figure out what's going on and give you strategies to deal with this kind of behavior. And if what you want is to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that.
Good luck <3
Your nails are gorgeous! And congratulations on getting away from an abusive and controlling relationship!
I want to recommend several books to help you, even now, 8 months later. The more time you can take for yourself to heal and to learn--probably at least a year--it will reduce the chances of getting into another relationship that includes abuse and control.
* Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
* Bancroft's Helping Your Children Heal from Witnessing Abuse.
* Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence.
I was in a decade-long abusive relationship, which I successfully exited in 2012, and have never looked back. Life just keeps getting better, and I am so happy to finally have a serene and peaceful life. These were invaluable resources for me. Thank you for sharing your story of strength!
Please get this book and get out: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
The book Why Does He Do That was really helpful for me after leaving my ex.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_Iq.kCbCX62B9H
> i don't even know what our problems are anymore,
His problems are:
Your problem? Is him.
> I want to one day have the power to improve other people's lives and specifically to help those who have also been victims of sexual assault to feel like they're not alone, the way I felt after my assault. I had nobody, and I want to be the somebody that's there for them. I want to help people.
u/pencilwithnoeraser, I beg you to get your hands on a copy of the book <em>Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men</em> by Lundy Bancroft (poorly-formated PDF here).
Bancroft is a leading expert on abusers and how they think. As someone with the goal of helping survivors of sexual abuse and trauma, you need to read this book.
I quote Bancroft a lot on this sub. Here's some quotes from him that are relevant to your situation.
> To be fair though, he stopped the abuse, kind of. He made an attempt to stop hurting me. I just asked him to start using his words or walking away when he felt like hurting me. He started doing that instead. He genuinely put in the effort to stop hurting me. How can I look past that? He cared enough to try and change. I don't want to believe he's abusive... maybe he's just broken.
> One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men...have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor.... He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser....Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her....
> Your abusive partner’s cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause you to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. You can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of you have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause.
> ...but the reason he seems to understand you well is that he has studied ways to manipulate your emotions and control your reactions. At times he may seem to grasp how badly he has hurt you, which can make you feel close to him, but it’s another illusion; if he could really be empathic about the pain he has caused, he would stop abusing you for good.
> I got him a few places to stay, he fucked all those up. I even gave him, not loaned, gave him $300 so he could afford a cheap room he was looking at. He wasn't able to make the rent for the next month and got kicked out...My dad is paying him hundreds each week and he has no idea of how abusive he has been to me.
> Imagine the privileges an abusive man may acquire: getting his own way most of the time, having his partner bend over backward to keep him happy so he won’t explode, getting to behave as he pleases, and then on top of it all, he gets praise for what a good person he is, and everyone is trying to help him feel better about himself!...
> You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long...he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.
> i'm just confused about everything. he swears up and down that the relationship was all about me trying to control his behavior and how i'm the abusive one.. but he won't give me examples when i ask for them. he won't tell me what i'm supposed to do or how i'm supposed to act to be better. he won't tell me what he wants. when i have a problem with him, i have clear examples of what he did wrong and what i wish he did instead, like talking to me instead of choking me.
The above is an example of DARVO. Relevant Bancroft:
> Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
> ...you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.
> Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest.
> sorry for wasting your time
Nonsense. I'm glad you posted. I hope what I wrote helps you.
Please read Bancroft. And then reach out to one of these resources for advice/support on ending things once and for all with your Ex:
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I imagine it's really scary and confusing right now. Sending internet hugs - this isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
Unfortunately your bf is showing textbook signs of being abusive.
>He got really angry and threw his wallet in my direction.
>He apologized multiple times and said he didn't mean to hurt me. Then said it was my fault for making him angry
So he's sorry.... but actually it was your fault he got violent (this is called blameshifting)
>I shouldn't be upset with him because he didn't throw the wallet at me, just in my direction.
And he's not actually sorry, because it wasn't a big deal (this is minimising. And also bullshit. It IS a big deal and you have every reason to be upset).
I agree with everyone here that this will only get worse and you need to leave as soon as safely possible. To understand why, read this book:
Why Does He Do That- Lundy Bancroft
You can find a PDF free online and it really explains how abusive partners think and act.
Secondly, I recommend you get in touch with a domestic abuse counsellor/hotline - they can listen, direct you to resources and help you come up with a safety plan to leave.
You don't mention where you are, but here's a list of websites globally where you can get help.
Please know I'm thinking of you, and you are not alone
Why Does He Do That is a book that was written by a counselor who specializes in working with controlling and toxic/abusive men. He uses his knowledge of how abusers think and his history of work to help women understand if their relationship has escalated to abuse, recognize abusive and controlling behavior in their partners, and inform women on how to leave an abusive relationship and thrive without their partners.
This book has seriously helped me and other women that I know. This book will help you to figure out what's going on definitively and with clarity, so you won't feel trapped in your own head any more. I know you said you can't imagine living without him, but if you ever want to leave, this book can help you make a plan to do that safety and come out the other side.
I'm really sorry that happened mate it's horrible for you seeing that happen to her. Are you sure he's bipolar rather than just having an abusive personality The two are often confused with each other. Either way I really suggest getting why does he do that by Lundy bancroft it's a fantastic book
That's rough mate and she doesnt see cause and effect, her behaviour effects you not wanting to spend time with her. Complaining constantly is disheartening, people often don't see how much OCD effects the person and everyone around them. She sounds a lot like my mum tbh, I always said on the 4th day of rowing about something you'd just end up going "yep you're right the sea is purple" so it was easier to just let her go on. Have you read inside the minds of angry and controlling men it can really help get your head round how to manage controlling/OCD type behaviours in people.
Have you seen the casual UK discord server it could give you some welcome relief right now. It's a nice bunch of people
Did you know Amazon will donate a portion of every purchase if you shop by going to smile.amazon.com instead? Over $50,000,000 has been raised for charity - all you need to do is change the URL!
Here are your smile-ified links:
^^i'm ^^a ^^friendly&nbsp;bot
https://www.thehotline.org/ This is the Domestic Violence hotline you can chat with someone about what is going on and find out if you are in an abusive relationship.
Also I found out about this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000Q9J0RO?ref=knfdg_R_pape_pew
Both of these can help you make a decision about whether you want to stay or go - or get into therapy for you both.
As someone who worked at a Domestic Violence Shelter - I can tell you that losing your financials and becoming dependant on your abuser is a toxic mix.
Get help! The Hotline can advise you on who to see. (Often free counseling).
Oh, honey. Your last paragraph just about broke me; your abusive as shit exboyfriend’s essay is not your responsibility, let alone any other aspect of his life. As gently as possible: you’ve made a good start, but you’ve got some work to do so you understand his pattern of abuse and find a way to break free. You are not safe.
Start with this:
Here are some great resources if you’re in the States. Just pick up the phone and call them. Please.
There’s a book called Why Does He Do That
>are all relieved I’m “finally seeing” how abusive and cruel the relationship has been.
[Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
Have you ever heard of the book Why Does He Do That?
Fantastic read. Might give you some insight into his behavior. Hopefully enough for you to leave him.
Listen to the part of yourself that was bothered and disturbed by that. Please. It may save your life. If you stay in this situation, you will hear that part of yourself less and less because you will have internalized all of the things he will blame you for.
I've dealt with a stepfather who did things like your fiance did, though not to that extreme (enough that it did damage and undid trust) and I later became involved with an abusive man, who made my family seem like Mister Rodgers in comparison. This book below saved me.
-only $4.99 on Kindle!
-I haven't personally read this but I hear it's helpful. I also used to work in a related field (trainings/survivor speaker) so I can attest both professionally and personally that Lundy's books are great resources. I've also met him in person and he's the real deal.
This point is made several times in the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft, what you're experiencing is part of an abusive cycle. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?\_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Please get a copy of this book while you're at your friend's house and read it. https://bookshop.org/books/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men/9780425191651
I guarantee it will be an eye-opener.
"But he's not angry and controlling ... he's not abusive."
It's a gradual process. What he's doing is rolling over your boundaries in a big way. And if you allow him to do this, it's going to escalate.
NTA. It's good that you're seeing this early on. Read the book and talk to your friends. You should be able to do the things you like to do and dress and make your face up any way you please without having to ask for permission.
You've gotten a lot of good advice (and some bad advice, please do not call in a SWAT team). But I was also sexually abused by an ex and I want you to know that it can take time to come to terms with what he did to you. It took me years to be willing to call what he did rape. But that's what it was. If you didn't feel safe saying no, then your compliance was NOT a yes. Therapy is definitely needed, but in the meantime, here are some links that will help:
Why Does He Do That?
This is pretty much The Book on dealing with men who are controlling. Bancroft’s books top every list of recommended reading for abuse survivors.
Power and Control Wheel
This would be a great place for you to start, to help you categorize the various behaviors you’ve experienced.
Technology Safety Plan
This is some good advice here about protecting your devices and social media. (Read this for some other ways that technology can be used to control you: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/23/technology/smart-home-devices-domestic-abuse.html)
Plan For Safety
The NDVH is a great resource for all sorts of questions.
61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship
This one can be a really hard read. But it’s another place that will help you put names on his behaviors.
Captain Awkward is an amazing advice columnist who has helped a lot of people in situations similar to yours. Reading some of the letters people have sent in might be helpful. And reading Jenn’s responses can be rather cathartic.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_7GF0RD7N6MJKCPR2X6NT
The Gift of Fear https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0036Z9U2A/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_BXQ1SFQ8YT03QWKV39YY
You must read these books.
"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men."
"The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook"
Hi friend, I'm really glad that you posted this here. It all sounds really hard, kinda like you're living a double life and you can't be a true self. It's so sad that your parents said they'd disown an atheist child.
You know what's best for you in your situation, and you need to weigh up the risks. How much do you want a relationship with your parents? How will you handle having control over your own life? How will they react to you being disobedient? It's a hard balance. Is izzat important in your family?
Reading your post I'm wondering if your dad is controlling. Is he possessive, Jekyll and Hyde? Does he have to control everything? I'd suggest having a look at why does he do that it can help you decipher controlling behaviours.
Pots of funding for support crop up here and there in different sources. Some unis have additional support for certain people like BAME, second language, disabled, care leavers etc. If you feel you fit into these groups you could be entitled to additional support from the uni. There is the government hardship grants as well. It's worth speaking to your local citizens advice bureau to see if there's local pots of funding or any ideas that they have. Instead of psychology have you considered mental health nursing? You get grants for it and you can get work on the nurse bank while you're training.
I'm glad that you've posted this but I'm sorry that you've had a ŕeason to. What you're going through is horrible, it's horrible seeing your mum be driven to self harm and watch helplessly when he does things to her. I wish it wasn't happening and I'm amazed by your strength dealing with all of this.
Verbal and mental abuse is hard to name and hard to stop, when its violent it can be more black and white to name and manage. In some ways watching it happen to your mum is worse than it happening to yourself and as you know there's no quick fix. Nobody has an easy solution for you here, nobody can make your mum get out of this.
The good news is that there are things you can do to manage the situation. The best book on domestic abuse ever written is why does he do that? it has a section on how to support an abused woman. There's also a book called helping her break free which can help. If you involve police or social services you have no control over what actions they take, but you can go to a youth work charity or similar for support for yourself and discuss confidentiality with them. It's ok to get support for yourself right now too.
Can you get your mum to do a safety plan? It can help her come up with ideas to keep herself safe during an incident. Will she download Hollie guard? If she's not willing to leave then she can still do that.
Is your dad's a safe place for you? What does he think about what's happening?
Highly recommend you read this book before you seriously consider trying to let him back into your life: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
"I am hurt and alone and I miss you and I love you and I recognize that I need to heal and I'll do everything right and CHANGE" is one of the most common manipulation tactics to get you back into the abuse cycle. Including truly changed behavior in every interaction with him during the separation.
Usually it is an act, not a true change. Is his motivation for changing to get you back? If so, it's likely just another control tactic.
Educate yourself and recognize that while you may have strong feelings for your abuser, you should not go back to him unless you have absolutely zero doubt that it will never, ever happen again AND you are prepared to get the hell back out the second it resumes.
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q9J0RO/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Therapy for yourself
Good work! Here's a couple of great books for people in abusive relationships:
Lundy Bancroft's book: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Apologies for the heteronormative title. Bancroft is amazing. It's a 400 page manual on the dizzying array of ways abusive people control their partner, and how one can leave an abusive relationship safely. This is a book that you do NOT want your abusive partner to find--have a secure location, like a trusted friend's house, where you keep this one.
Gavin de Becker: "The Gift of Fear" How our intuition signals us to sources of danger and keeps us safe from violence. De Becker came up with a threat assessment system called MOSAIC that is the gold standard. I wish this book was required reading in high school.
You can do it! I left an abusive relationship in 2012, and life has continued to get better for me in ways I could never dream of.
Sexual rejection is common in abusive relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
Time to throw the whole boyfriend out.
In all seriousness though, please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. (Amazon|PDF) In the book, Bancroft describes the different types of abusers. Your ex-husband and current boyfriend are both abusers, likely just different types.
For getting away, please contact your local domestic violence services. They will help you draft a "safety plan" and may be able to shelter you for a few days if you need somewhere to stay in the interim.
>Okay I see, it's different here, I apologise!
It's alright, there's nothing to apologise for.
>I can understand this from your mother's perspective. Even though I was successful in seeking legal justice, it put my life on hold for years, the process was exhausting and my physical and mental health deteriorated, I was hospitalized repeatedly for physical illness and psychiatric problems - I gave birth to the man's child, and my family had to help care for her in the first few years of her life because of this.
I'm genuinely glad you are better now.
>Yeah, these services are not specialised for this purpose, which is why I think you should definitely continue to pursue some kind of assistance from local sexual assault charities and it may be worth enquiring to see if your school can assist with finding this help. They may not be able to, but it can't do harm to ask.
>This book was most informative to me. Also, I get the impression that you were in a relationship with this man (forgive me if I read this wrong), but I also bought and earlier edition of this book, which has helped me understand how people like this operate and how to move past it. Finally, I haven't read this one but it's very commonly recommended to abused women - Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, I am told this is the gold standard in self-help for women who have been in abusive relationships with men.
Thanks for the resources, I was in a relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it, I hope someday I will look back and realise I learnt something or gained something from it instead of just hurt and loss. If you haven't already known so (cuz their books are so popular), I find that poetry does a job at showing us we aren't alone and that there is always hope. Poets I read from are Samantha King, Rupi Kaur, Micheal Faudet, r.h. Sin and Lang Leav. They aren't healing in the informative way but I am addicted to their poetry because of how relatable they are. They talk about heartbreak, loss, feminism, strength and sometimes assault. I don't know if it helps to heal but they are enjoyable to read, though the price of the books can be a bit...
Get Kindle for PC and read this book, it will open your eyes and change your life I promise! Why does he do that? Please, you'll thank me!
That's really nice, but it looks like it's pirated.
Kindle link if anyone's interested - I don't think I want the conversations that would arise with physically having it on a shelf.