There's already a lot of really great advice here.
Just to add one more time : adhd does not make you manipulative, or somehow less able to clean. I have severe adhd and other shit and still im able to do my chores.
Your SO really does use waponized incompetence to get you to do things.
You don't need a maid, if your SO would act like a grown ass person, there would be no mess. Sure, get yourself a maid if you need it, but by getting one now, you let him get away with his manipulatove behavior, you're reinforcing this behavior. Pls do not get a maid unless he's gone. He will find another thing to not take accountability for and so on.
If you get a chance to read something im begging you to go and read
https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-ebook/dp/B003YL44FY
It changed my and many people's lives for the better. The clutter and the cleaning isn't really the problem. You also mentioned your ex was exactly the same way. We use to get into relationships that feel familiar. We need to see our patterns and break them. I wish you all the very best! 💙
What helped me with some of this stuff was working on understanding my attachment style. It doesn't just apply to romance, even though that's often how it's explained. It happens for every relationship with friends, family, bosses, etc. Whenever I feel lika a relationship is unequal, like I'm always pleasing them or they're always chasing after me, it's usually because of attachment.
I started with these books:
The first one is a little outdated, but gives a good basic understanding of why people are overly giving in relationships. The second I liked better (if you're only gonna get one), but neither book is perfect. It addresses both sides of attachment- being a love addict/codependent/submissive/anxious preoccupied attachmemt style vs being a live avoidant/counterdependent/dominant/dismissive avoidant attachment style. Interestingly, it's common for those of us with trauma to have traits of both styles (together it's called fearful avoidant).
To get a better understanding of all the styles, I went to Thais Gibson's youtube videos, as well as her website for the attachment quiz. She is always tring to sell her courses, but if you fast forward the first couple minutes, the free videos are good.