Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood is another great book about how women are socialized into codependency and the role of the caretaker/mommy to an adult man/"I can save a man"/"I can change a man" role by dysfunctional upbringings and role modeling and societal influences.
Im very sorry that happened to you. It's so gross and disrespectful.
I really don't wanna rub you the wrong way now but it looks like you have weak boundaries and you don't listen to your gut. Im not blaming you!! Just trying to make you understand why you end up in situations like that.
We woman get ingrained with shit like we need to be polite and help men and look after their everything, from their ego to their health. We don't have to. Period!
We need to look after ourselves first and foremost!
Just to add, I also experienced SA and was in more than one abusive relationship. Im 35 now I could finally leave my last one six months ago. Since then I took a full break on dating and im just learning about boundaries and listening to my gut. There's a reason we end up with such men. It's because they feel familiar, mostly because we experienced some kinda abuse as children and therefore connected bad behavior as love.
I also have low self-esteem and tried to fill my inner void with male attention.
I know im rambling a bit but I learned so much the last few months and I wish I could be of help for other women who realise something it's quite right. I mean of fuckin course the men acting like shit are the problem!!!! But I wanted to know how I end up with them. Because there were like a million red flags. There always are, but we find excuses.
To that I wanna say: if You start to find excuses for HIS behavior, you need to stop for a moment and reevaluate the fact that HE has to APOLOGIZE. You don't have to find excuses while he acts like alla good and swell.
About the red flags, they are not just there for decoration! They are a sure sign that sings will go south!!!
Last I really wanna recommend you some books that opened my eyes.
Why Women Love Too Much by Robin Norwood https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much-audiobook/dp/B00AHYGI8W/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=31EM8UKM9H68F&keywords=Why+women+love+too+much&qid=1649838591&sprefix=why+women+love+%2Caps%2C2526&sr=8-1
The gift of fear by Gavin debecker https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/B00ERK0HES/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=2JD0L9E9L9ISG&keywords=the+gift+of+fear+by+gavin+debecker&qid=1649838637&sprefix=The+Gift+Of+fear%2Caps%2C181&sr=8-2