That combination is quite common. It's difficult to find books on adults with ODD, same for adults with ADHD. It's more likely you'll find books about adult ADHD than adult ODD, though. I think learning about ADHD might be a good foundation to start with anyway. Dealing with executive dysfunction is a significant part of life for people with ADHD.
People seem to think highly of anything Russell A. Barkley has worked on. He does a lot of ADHD books. This is about defiant behavior in teens... not exactly what you're looking for, but it might still be helpful?
How To ADHD on youtube is also a great resource. This video specifically helped me reframe the way I thought about myself after my diagnosis. I think it's also helped my husband understand ADHD better too. We use the phrase "climbing my wall" quite frequently to explain when my brain is buffering. I didn't have language to communicate that so clearly before.
You need to read this book
Your Defiant Teen, Second Edition: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship by:
>The psychiatrist diagnosed her with oppositional defiant disorder which can come about with untreated ADHD which is how she was diagnosed. It is typical for someone undiagnosed to self-medicate and act impulsively which is what she was ultimately doing.
You will be surprised how common this is, oppositional defiant disorder is very very common in undiagnosed ADHD, and even in treated ADHD it is common. Here is an article by one of the authors of the book I linked to above
Giving you full disclosure with me. I lost my sister to suicide when she was 22. But she never showed any oppositional defiant symptoms. My dad on the other hand has ODD down pat, and he self destructed two marriages because of his ODD and his inability to manage his emotions which his two ex wives simply label "anger issues" (even though 95% of the time he is a very nice guy). My dad I am confident is ADHD as a child and still as an adult but he is in denial.
ODD at its very core is escalating your emotional intensity to tell the other person to BACK OFF so I get my way, I get what I want, or stop stressing me for I can't handle reality. ODD is a combination of two things.
Part 1) The inability to manage your emotions with you frontal lobe, emotions triggered by your current enviroment and the stimuli you can't manage -> Which in turn causes your brain stem to release stress neurotransmitters and hormones -> Which in turn escalates your emotional arousal -> Which in turn causes your frontal lobe to shut off, while at the same time your emotional brain is hypercharged -> Which in turn diminishes your judgement and you do actions that may cause you to get what you want right now, but short change your long term goals/relationship, or just causes you to act stupid but you cause the other person to back off for you are a crazy unpredictable mess.
Part 2) Learned behavior that your brain associates this type of behavior as something that is useful or productive so you use it, both when you are emotional but also when you are not emotional as a manipulation tactic. Part 2 can still occur even if the ODD has long since been counterproductive, for example it may have help you got what you wanted as a toddler as a 3 to 4 year old, was kinda useful as a elementary child, but now as a pre teen and teenager is completely counterproductive (you are a royal mess, you are drama, no one wants to be with you and trust you) but you still do it for it is now a habit that has to be unlearned, but the unlearning process has to occur in specific stages just like all habits can't be quit cold turkey, but instead replaced with good habits in exchange.
What I am trying to say, is that you are in a serious situation and that I can not tell if your daughter is suicidal or not, but just understand the situation is serious but that does not mean she is either suicidal or is not suicidal.
Instead interpret this as intense and very serious situation, for she is either suicidal, or she is trying to manipulate you with a suicidal gesture, or both. Understand the only real thing you know is that she is not in control of her own emotions, that she is impulsive, and this hurts her as much as it hurts you.
And thus your first goal should be to try to de-escalate the situations, not to let her manipulate you, nor for you to go problem solving pro active mode, but instead to just be cautious in general and to focus on problem solving emotions, before problem solving family relationships.
Well if you give him some control in the decision then he will be less oppositional, defiant, disobedient, passive aggressive etc. He is doing that for he thinks that is the only way to get what he wants for he feels he has no control in the situation and since you are his parents and its your way or the highway the only thing he feels he can do is "hit the brakes" and be a PITA. Your son may be great but even if he is the most awesome kid in the world sometimes your kid can wear down your patience :)
Once the kid understand that you share the same goals as him. You want him to succed, and you do not want him to drug him so he is not himself anymore he will be more receptiant to compromise since he understands you two share the same goals you just differ on the way to earn that goal.
And once you can assay his fears, for his fears are legitimate, but unlikely then he will be willing to try the medication. He has no clue what is the chance of those side effects happening, he is no medical expert, and you guys are no medical expert so outside experts such as a doctor that he feels is on his side (not his parents side but his side) as well as that ADHD expert I linked to will allow him to answers his legitimate fears, and once his fears are answered he will be willing to take a chance if you can also "sell the idea that meds will make his life easier and he will get more of what he really deep down wants."
Your son wants to succeed, he does not want to coast for the sake of coasting, he wants success but if success seems unlikely or requires so much effort that he feels exhausted he will give up for this is human nature, but ADHD people are much more sensitive of "mental exhaustion" for it is harder for us to refuel our own internal motivation.
The person I linked to is one of the best ADHD experts out there, you can find many of his videos on youtube under Dr. Barkley. He also wrote a book called Your Defiant Teen, Second Edition: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship. It will help you speak with more empathy when you speak to your teen and via this everyone's life in the family will improve for we fight not because we hate the other person but because we love them but we also want our own personal goals and dreams.
Barkley also recommends the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.
I wish your son the best, I have no doubt he is smart, but the times of middle school, high school, and college are the hardest times for an ADHD person for it is lot of skills you are just naturally not good at yet they are important and you can not run away from them like you can with a job. A job you need money but you get to choose the job that suits your talents. Only time that even compares to school years I listed are when an ADHD adult recently becomes a parent and they are overwhelmed by all the new work and responsibility and they have not yet adapted.