So relatable. Most of the time I feel lost and like I'm just flailing around not accomplishing anything. I sort of thrive on checklists or step-by-step direction and processing my CSA has been the exact opposite of that. I bought this book: The Courage to Heal. It's taking me a long time to get through, but I think maybe it's helping? I started journaling. Like, if I could get all the swirling thoughts down on paper, maybe my brain could make sense of them and move on? Sometimes I think it helps. One day at a time sometimes feels impossible when you're just trying to get through each minute.
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335
Yeah, the other commenter was being more polite, but the fact that your response to this is y'all going to couples therapy to focus on your rejection is horrible, to me. She's not rejecting you, she's reacting to a siren warning throughout her brain and body that she has developed logically because of her experiences. She needs something called a "trauma informed" therapist and you need to generally research trauma. Read a book called The Body Keeps the Score. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
You calling it "such a strong aversion" as though it's unreasonable just really rubs me the wrong way in context with the rest of your post. It's literally the most normal thing in the world for traumatized people. This book will help you with that. Some of us can't be touched ever. Some of us can't have sex without dissociative blackouts. Some of us hide from partners and have panic attacks after sex. Birth is an invasive experience not just in the way you're probably thinking, but because of the people touching you, lack of privacy about something intimate, sensory overload, and hormone rush, which is medical. Even non-traumatized women feel like this after birth, it's extremely common. Your overall implication from this post is that she is overreacting. Please separate in therapy and work on yourself, but also you clearly need to make more of an effort to reach out and understand her. Work on yourself to increase your ability to not just think about yourself. This post was awful, thanks.